21:00 Feb 23 2025
Times Read: 30
So wow, yeah, life has a way doesn’t it. I spent over 40 days being sick, like curling in a ball on the floor sick. Me being the stubborn ass that I am refused to go to a doctor. I loathe doctors, sure they have a PhD but they do not know me or my body better than I do. Doctors' offices are just germ infested hot boxes waiting to nail your ass with something worse than what you went in for. All the people crammed into them coughing and snoting their ickiness all over everything and everyone…just ewww no. In the end however I may have been forced to confront the oooggy of the office. Made it out of there alive…barely but alive none the less. Got my meds and spent another two weeks after getting fully recovered for a total of 56 days. Damn, when the world decides to fuck me over it nails me like a train going through a glory hole.
I thought that would be it. Once that was basically behind me, I was like okay that was my glory hole rodeo and now I can relax. Nope…damn I was wrong because that train decided to back up and ride me through in reverse. Because of the choices of one person. One person close to me and the people I live with and love with. They brought a whole family sized bucket of KFC extra crispy shits and flung it all over my world. I came so close to losing everything and everyone I hold close. Chosen family I thought I was secure in and with began to crack and I was slipping through the cracks.. Lost. So damn lost. I have not felt that shaken in years. It just really pointed out to me that nothing is promised. Nothing is stable. Nothing is certain.
We throw around promises don’t we? All the time we do it. Promises to always be there, always be friends, always be family, always this always that always…
I will never make such foolish promises ever again. We never know where the future will take us, what it holds in store for us or our bonds of friendship and family. The tests and trials we are bound for and to will shake those foundations…crack them and sometimes break them irreparably. This time my chosen family may have made it out the other side of this shit, however we are forever changed. We each have a knowledge, a knowing that we are not as unshakeable as we may have thought...
Someone I truly believed would never leave or turn their backs on me wrestled with the thoughts of possibly having to do just that. Which forced me to have to do the same.
My walls shot straight up..those walls we build to protect ourselves from the damages we allow others to inflict as we let them further and further into who we are. I was so certain that yet again life was proving me and all my paranoid theories right. I lost myself and left myself in this hole, this safe space where everyone was kept at a considerable distance…away from me. Now I had others trying to reach out to me, trying to reach into my space and pull me back out just to be attacked by me and their hands slapped away…brutally rebuffed. And they kept coming back…refusing to let me just slip away. Why I don’t know. I will always be unsure of what others see in me as worth it but I am glad for those who do and have.
I do this, don't I? I pull back and away when my life takes a turn for the worst. I say I am protecting people from me and the toxicity I can throw when this happens to me. I do and I am protecting them. I know what I am like, the length and barbs I will throw to push everyone away and back. I get stuck in these thoughts of best to go it alone, best to just hurt them all now and make them see that I really am just an evil bitch. Better for them in the long run to be done with me. Kinda fatalistic and stupid isn’t it? Friends, real friends are there for you when your barbs are sharpest and will still be standing there with you and for you and the bonds you share even after the shots are fired. I have come to understand that this thought process of “protecting” them is a load of shit. Just another way for me to keep them at a distance, to not have to test the bonds, to not have to have the proof that my beliefs of “nothing stays” “nothing lasts”, ect proven wrong. I mean for fucks sake….I cannot be wrong..can I? (please read that with heavy sarcasm lol)
Turns out yeah, I can be wrong. Not often mind you….but yes….it can happen even to me…lol I want to thank each and every one of those who have stood fast and endured all of my bulllshit with me and held on steadfast through the glory hole rodeos. Damn, ya’ll have some good grip!!
COMMENTS
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Cadrewolf2
21:23 Feb 23 2025
Glad you are better, missed you