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I keep checking my profile just to see my BunBun'd!! Thanks Moonie...it just keeps the smile plastered to my face!!!!🖤🖤🖤

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MooniePie
01:52 Aug 20 2023

I'm glad!!! You put a smile on my face. 🖤🖤🖤

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Okay so new month new journal entry....I am not too sure about what I do want to write about and what I don't, so I think this time I shall just let it flow out however it decides to and let it stand as is. Typically I write these in word so I can make sure everything is perfect before sending it out into the world...carefully crafted and constructed so I am only saying just enough instead of what just naturally flows out me. Much like the history of my life...always just so as to make sure that whatever was really going on would not be seen or known. To make sure that others were comfortable around me, never make waves, always smile and be polite...I never had to be told I wasn't ever going to be enough...it was in every action and inaction, every fake smile and rehearsed loving gesture...perfectly and expertly timed so others would see and praise...them...

I know that typically my entries are always lighthearted and funny, however the past few days I have not been able to fully beat back the bullshit that renders me lifeless...useless...so I hope that I will be forgiven this depression session just this once. I know that I should be writing this in my personal journal instead of here where it will be read by many others but sometimes I just get so tired of hiding behind a laugh and a joke...silly meaningless rhetoric that I typically hide behind and use as a shield...or a wall in hope that no one will ever see or know this side of me..to protect others from my inner darkness and demons. I learned young to hold it all in, to wear the façade...to be the façade...that only lead to self deprecation and loathing...an existence but not a life.

I decided after my last losing battle with this shit to never again be who I am not, to never become the barren forgery they had always pushed me to be...I am not plastic...they could not force me to bend my knees before them then and I will damned if I let the memories of them force me into that subjugated position now. That however does not mean that I do not wrestle with their teachings and the mental mind fuck that was placed on me since birth...but I do not have to remain captive to it...perhaps that is why I writing all of this here and now...my way of trying to beat it all back...I just know that if I stay here...lost to the long thoughts and in the oppressive weight of it all...I will lose...and I wasn't built to lose.

~Toodles~

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Vampirewitch39
18:10 Aug 16 2023

You write it right here, so you can see we all have those times, days. *hugs* You are not a looser!

Some days just take all your energy to take care of yourself, take it. Deal. And come out swinging.

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I am just not the most patient person....waiting sucks!!!

“You broke the spell and wanted something else; Well, go fuck yourself with other people.”
`Laura Pergolizzi~