The Brain Pain12:25 Apr 26 2023
Times Read: 195
I am a predominately independent person, okay fiercely independent. I fully understand and accept that everyone needs help from time to time and I have no problem being that person for others to come to for help. I enjoy helping others, my friends and chosen family. I have broad, sturdy shoulders, great for leaning on and I can and will carry them and whatever they may be struggling with. I am not the fix it type, I don’t try to fix people, I don’t see them as broken, because they aren’t. I just listen and I show the fuck up, my friends and chosen family are the best as they do the same for me and I truly appreciate each and every single one of them. This comes with a huge but, like a major, mahoosive but.
I have a huge problem with admitting that on occasion I too may need help. I have a mind set of I am fine, I will be fine, I can handle everything on my own. It is not that I worry my friends will see me as a burden or that I do not want to worry them. The people who care about us will naturally worry about us, there is no stopping that train. Nor do I see it as a sign of weakness to seek help when needed, on the contrary, it takes an exorbitant amount of strength to seek out the help when it is needed. For me the problem lies in that feeling of guilt and indebtedness, obligation, of being beholden.
Growing up in the way that I did, nobody did anything out of the goodness in their hearts, it wasn’t about showing love and concern or care, it was about the end game. I did for you, now you do for me. The parentals were Gods of guilt and manipulation, wielding and harnessing it with true sight. They studied their targets well and knew every chink in the armor, could see and use every vulnerability to their advantage. They did revel in the power they possessed, often flaunting said power behind closed doors while promoting that perfect plastic family to the masses.
I tend to feel like a horrible person because now when others do help me I wonder what their true agenda is. I question, all the time, the why of it all. Pick apart the hand that is offered, constantly searching for any speck of less than honorable intention. I know full well that the people I hold dear would never, ever do this to me, yet it changes nothing. I want to believe in them, have pure faith in their intentions and love for me. They have proven themselves to be the best of people and do not deserve this from me. They know and accept this side of me, have never judged me for it or been angered or offended by it; but it does anger me that my first reaction, my first instinct, is to turn away and protect myself.
Trust me, they have rightly kicked me in the pants when this shit rears its ugly head and I hope they continue to do so. I don’t why I am sharing this, it is deeply personal and not something I am very proud of. I guess with all the help I have needed as of late, it has just built up and needed to get the hell out of me. Opening up like this scares the hell out of me, I don’t do it often or well. I much prefer to sluff it all off with a quick retort and a laugh…but truth is truth, there is no running from it, no hiding from it, so why bother trying to do either? Truth will out as they say. Toodles
COMMENTS
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Vampirewitch39
02:08 Apr 27 2023
*hugs* Speaks to me. I also battle the whole "They will judge you" when asking for help. Not how I was raised, tuff it out.
captainglobehead
02:06 Apr 28 2023
Cut from the very same cloth.