New Year?23:05 Jan 01 2009
Times Read: 2,531
So it is 2009. And this is just going to be typed out as I think it so random it will be as my thought have been of late. And I am still sick, can’t see two well, and on med’s. *wink wink* In other words- don’t expect much from this. Just something I want to get down today.
If I was to look back on the last year I would have to see the good parts of it. That is the point, right? To see the good in people, in your life? I see the family having fun, joking around. I see the fights we had, the way one of us would say something totally stupid to break the ice. I would see the small loving things my father would do for my mother, coming out of the gas station to get in the car, me reaching for the candy he brought to be told “That is for your mother- leave it alone.” The times I would call them to talk to one and get the other one answering the phone. Mom would do the “It’s you baby. Come get the phone and see what she wants.” Or his “It’s one of the girls. I don’t know which one… she don’t want to talk to me.”
Those tender moments of dad letting our own nicknames he gave us as children slip out, his tone so loving and caring. Yes I lost dad this year and truth told I don’t remember much of that time. I think I was on auto pilot, smiling, doing this, saying that as I had been taught all my life.
I do know if I did not have Connie and Juanita beside me I would have been so very lost. I remember the fries at McDonalds, I remember the hunt for my keys. Lol So very much a family trait. You two mean the world to me, and standing behind me as I try to get back on my feet… me wanting to crawl in a hole and just be quiet and cry, and you two grabbing a foot and pulling me out so that I want.
September 13 my life changed. I have faced that, seen the other side of the dice thrown down by the gods. But that is not what all of last year was about. Our company won a few awards, business doing well. The family was well, jobs still being kept. My brother faced medical issues, changing on us with his mental illness that we tried to get help with. Mom and Dad stopping that, not wanting to put him in any type of home. As we face this new year that is not an option anymore. Dad was the only one who could semi control my brother, and with dad gone it is just getting worsted then before. Birdy- the social worker is helping so much with that. My older sister is spearing that as she is trying to take some of the pressure off us. The sister who works with me is now a full time care giver of mom, moving out of her apartment, giving up her own home. Something I could not do- I am not a caregiver.
I also remember another loss of last year- my second mom. Cat’s mother was one fiery redhead that could smile and tell you to fuck off at the same time. You want to talk true southern lady- then right there was an example for the books. She took care of her family, and I really think that is all she wanted in her life, her family. I remember thinking how very sad the family looked, having lost her suddenly. A look that fate would give my own family just a few months later. I sit here, sick, throat still sore, head pressure from the cold, and having just hung up the phone with Cat a few minutes ago, thinking what a crappy friend I have been. She had to go thru Thanksgiving and Christmas cooking meals that she kept saying “Hope it taste as good as mom’s.” I should of step up and said something, I should have helped her. Not with the cooking but with understanding it is not “mom” cooking they was looking for.
We can’t be our parents. We can do almost, kind of like, but we are not our parents. She is her own woman, with her own ways. Step up- do it LIKE mom, but it is you who is doing this. You who is getting up and working your ass off. It is you who has to listen to them if it did not turn out well. That is not your mom- that is you in the kitchen. And I dare anyone to say a fucking word to you for doing something to bring your family together. I know I am late with that Connie- but I mean it. Stop trying to be your mom, judging yourself by her. Trust me- we will loss ALL the time. We are who we are, we will make mistakes, we will fuck up so badly we want be able to see how it correct itself. But it will. Why? We are alive and breathing, we are facing the sunrise and sunsets. Your Mom and my dad would want us to take what we learned and move forward. No parent wants there kids to stay in a runt, live in their shadows. If that means you use pickle relish when you never used it- then guess what? That is what Connie does. Same goes for me. I can’t live in dad’s shadow but keep it behind me as a reminder. He is always with me… as I walk my path.
I am sitting here trying to think of anything that happen in 2008 I can mention and there isn’t anything that is popping into my head. I think that is normal thou, for what happen just over three months ago. But there has to be more then my father’s death… he would want me to remember so much more then that… We have a new puppy, I killed a dog by hitting it with my car on the highway, all loans was paid off this year at the bank making the family secure and out of debt, the two business decisions we made about the bank and hotel turned out well for us, my love for taking photos has grown more this year, my inner battle of wanting out of the family business became kind of mute this year, fall leaves was wonderful this year due to getting some much needed rain.
So what do I face 2009 with? I could make a list three pages long of what I need to be doing, what needs to be done. But that is not what I face 2009 with. I face 2009 with sadness over my loss, a crack in my heart still. I face it with a smile at my mother as she smiles at me as I bring her candy from the store. And yes- I do it as dad always did. Why? Because it makes her happy to remember him after 65 years of marriage. And because it shows her someone is still thinking of her.
When I feel I am being impatience I ask myself- does it need done right now? Can I address this another way? I face this year with wonderful friends who know that me being quiet and withdrawn is not me being mad and understand it. They are the ones who I call when I have a few minute, who I meet on Friday night to have dinner with. To laugh and just let the week go.
I face it with two sisters that I know is there if I need them, who will stand by me no matter what. They might not see the point, but they know I would never do anything to harm our family and what we have worked many years to make. Still- family is the one thing you can not buy and we all understand this.
With people helping my brother. I wish all the best in his new life as people talk of him moving away from us, getting his own apartment. He is happy about it, all the new things to do. I really hope this works out alright. I hope his new med’s help and that he finds the calm he use to have when I was a child, being pushed in the swing by him, him being here when I got off the bus, waiting with our pet. A child hood of him taking care of us… I hope we are doing the right thing in trying to take care of him in his later years.
And a puppy who still thinks I am the biggest chew toy she has ever met. :)
All in all- 2009 is starting out mighty good it seems. I just have to remember the good with the bad parts, see the love around me, and ....punt. lol
COMMENTS
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LadyKrystalynDarkstar
00:08 Feb 01 2009
aww thank you. :)
XxLDRxX
00:44 Feb 01 2009
She is one of the nicest people on her, and was one of the first to help me with my first profile ,nearly two years ago lol.