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We don't work and strive for perfection anymore. Everythings cheap and easy. Things used to be quality, top dollar or at least what you can pay for. Now it's the lowest bidder and fastest results. Why? We fend off death more and more each year so we can be a decogenarian in a mechanized chair with breathing tubes down our nostrils. Bags up our asses, tubes down our Urethras and the right to bitch and moan about the younger generations. Because that's what at least those in democratic republic countries do. Bitch but never do.



I volunteer help out, work hard and earn my down time. And because I'm so passionate about doing it right over doing it fast I'm obsolete and too blunt even in a fine dining environment.

I work, and try, and do so that my boys won't he some pissant disgraceful whinnying, irresponsible do nothin who blame their problems on anyone and evrything but their own unwise decisions. Instead I'd love to see them take responsibility such a strange concept I know. Be courageous as their hearts are filled with fear and never think it is easier to give in then fear failure.



The more I talk to people, the more I see false persons not worth 2 minutes of fish flopping sex it took to create them. Because it is each persons right to make these choices I plead, beg, grovel, choose again. So easy to lie, give in, and snub decency. So easy to be angry when we do no understand or agree instead of breathing, and asking why, or what to grasp a fuller depth of what we should learn to understand.



I'm losing my faith in humanity, I'm Downsizing myself, so I don't lose all my ideals but I can't comparmentalize it all. So I end up losing some of it. I dint care as much for the souls I would try to help, I've begun getting used to being misunderstood. I've even begun to get used to the nightmares that wake me up 7 times a night. But I'll never be used to this lonliness. And I've thought too much tonight.

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PandorasBx
14:20 Jul 31 2010

You aren't alone in being lonely hun. Sorry about the nightmares *hugs*.

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Requiem
20:09 Jul 31 2010

It is impossible to think too much. I am glad you think, and I am glad you make the effort to be a human.

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Bender for the win.


Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

Yesterday, my ex- girlfriend and a woman whom I'd thought was on decent respectable friendly ground with suprised me with the most bullshit display of selfishness I've seen. I only say that now because I know why she was upset. I went to spend a brief few hours with my boys before going to a wedding reception for my friend Paul. I invited her, for many reasons but none were despicable. She picked me up from my son mothers and as we discussed I was get her a white flower I had no problem with that. But I didn't want it to wilt and die in the hours I spent with my sons. This is the conversation we had today about why she was upset.



Me : Lol that's good. Feeling better and out of that funk?



Her: I was upset not in a funk



Me:Ok still no clue as to why? (mind you she lied the whole day and told me she didn't know)



Her:I was upset in where I was in my life and trying to figure a way out. I prepared myself for the forgeting of the flower and it made me upset. I honestly thought you would have forgotten about it and if you forget that means you didn't want to prove to me that you cared about me.



Me:You were pre upset for something I didn't forget but instead wanted to make sure was fresh and alive for you. ( ya know as alive as they can be after cut. )



Her:All I want is to know that someone cares for me and I want him to show me in different way other than telling me. (granted I was bad at presentingy feelings other than with word)



Me:Yeah well I spent the whole damn night trying to please you and make you happy as a friend, as someone I respect and as someone I wanted to be there with me. Instead I was damn miserable but it's ok cause it was about you. Not my friends wedding reception. I'm honestly upset with you and don't want to talk to you anymore tonight. Have a good night Kelsey you don't need last names lol.



Please please telle if I was out of line or anything. But I'm really pissed.

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Requiem
00:16 Jul 28 2010

*is fucking nuts at the homing beacon*



Granted - I am clueless when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I suck ROYALLY at them. Some folks tolerate me and think I'm keen, but .. they need medication. :P



That being said, I don't think you were out of line. I don't understand her standpoint. There might be more there, and you might be taking the hit for someone in her past. Not fair, but it happens.



*shrug* Only open communication - complete, mind you, from both - will get it all out there.



'Kay. Shutting up.

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ThePinja
02:12 Jul 28 2010

Lol. Well In her first serious relationship, but honestly I'd thought we'd gotten past the crap. And the thoughts I'd entertained of getting back together are now null and void. I don't know if friendship can exist.

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PAGAN
13:08 Jul 31 2010

not out of line. you thought about your date she just didnt appreciate it and to be honest if you'd gone for the flower earlier she still wouldnt have been happy because it would have wilted.

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PandorasBx
14:16 Jul 31 2010

She has issues babe, that much is clear. You did nothing wrong but behave in a considerate way, no foul on your part and if she gets mad over something like that I wouldn't want to see what else she has in store for you...

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Going to the horse track this Saturday. My friends wedding reception for friends who couldn't make it to Hawaii. That bastard lol. It's dressy casual, I hate khakis but oh well. Any tips from anyone who's been to races? Animal rights extrists need not damn me I'm not betting lol.

I've really gotten sick of my closest friends and family talk of nothing about how afraid they are something to the point where they just won't act. Do they really think they are the only ones who live with fear?



To Err is to be human, to fear is to be wise.

Though to refuse to act upon fear is to never have lived. I swear i've said it before. And this... is newer.



I would rather live knowing the torment of failure, with only a breaths wind of happiness than live hollow, dreaming of things I know nothing because I did not try.



Today I am ashamed, I let fear, and depression hold me for the first time in quite a while. I wasted a day, slept because I lacked the mettle to pick myself up. Ever more the cynicism slides off my tongue. The struggle to keep hope, when I know the way the world works. I must seem such a pathetic mass of self pity and wallowed sorrow, but I don't want people to feel sorry. I just wish I had the friends I once had. I look for those who can give me an ounce of support, and I know that I ignored them as much as they did me.



I will not make excuses though, try to reason my way out of it. Life hits hard, and it hits fast simple as that. What I will say, is that I am not the weak rock...weathered by the wind, and rain. Cracks forming and the earths seeds splitting more. No I tried to be the tall strong tree. Plant my roots deep to hold strong against the gale. Spread my branches high, and wide to give shade for when my friends need it.



But I feel as though I am the tree who reached too high, planted myself on the hiltop....and when the storm comes it is my branches that are shredded from me, it is my trunk the woodsman has his eye on. Whether or not I am, I feel so alone. Unable to complete the jobs i've undertaken and continue the responsibilities accepted. I fear complete failure, with the boys, with my life, to the dreams I still hold.



I'm in a horrible place right now...



Do not grant me the strength to stand on my own, but the resolve to find it within myself, Do not give me guile to outwit those who would decieve me, but to find the wisdom in myself to have that guile. And if I fail, I only pray someone better than I to watch over those boys.

Yup carpe these nuts. I'd had it, I clocked out and walked out. Told Juan I'm going home. Damn near two hours to work and two hours going home for four and five hour shifts isn't cool. The 50 hour wok weeks I was promised, the tips, th respect and valued opinion I was told I'd have don't exist anymore.



I've never walked out on a job, not in 8 years in the service industry. My buddy and former boss is willin to give me some shifts while I find a new job or at

least a job to work part time while I work shifts at Alfreds. 11$ an hour is awesome, if you're not a single father of two boys paying 303$ a month in child support. Yeah it's not th most but it's still a lot of money. Money I'm not getting like I was supposed to. Times are hard, jobs scarce in the field I work, but these stingy backstabbing lying scheming "good Christian valued" people are pathetic and don't deserve a hard honest worker like me.



Edit



I've done a lot of dumb things. But since sleep was the unobtainable last night I know the only thing I was thinking. How the fuck do I provide for the boys now... And myself.

Got the 8am phone call from Juan. "Its just business. Cam you work Mondays and Tuesdays till we figure something out?"

Thats my issue, these people just see the business aspect while fucking over my family. Welcome to modern society, no big families taking care of one another. No friends to lean on, let's be out for ourselves at the lowest bidder. I don't belong.... I never will. Noatter how hard I try the world doesn't make sense to me.

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PandorasBx
14:18 Jul 31 2010

You have a very valid point, the people in the world seem to only care about #1, sad but true. And I respect the fact that you strive to make sure your boys are provided for.

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Any night I sleep on my sons bedroom floor his mother passes out in half an hour or less. I don't love her, don't want to

be with her again, and really have no primal desire to bed her again. But she sleep soundly as it was when we dated. I'm up putting away dishes, cleaning off tables and washing some of the nights dishes in preperation of the early morning.



I see her eyes staring at times, and I know this can't continue. I'm a damn good father considering I had none to show me how to be. I am not her husband though, not her lover, nor her dating interest. My soul I don't feel is connected to hers. She sabatoged that, destroyed my trust and denied me 14 months with my son, I won't love her again. It's not in my heart. So what to do.... Fuck Rodney what will you do?! She doesn't cause drama anymore, she hasn't intereferd with my attempts at dating yet. Guess it's time for that talk again, about where we are as parents, about how this is as close to friends as it gets.

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PandorasBx
14:22 Jul 31 2010

Are you living in the same house?

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how many times am I going to see "if you mess with my love, i'll make you pay" or whatever the message is on a profile? Seriously one of these days i'm just going to go to the persons profile you claim to protect make fun of some stupid thing on their profile and see what you are going to do about it lol

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NocturnalMistress
07:00 Jul 08 2010

See, I state on my profile I am highly protective of my fiance and my son, I do not threat, but best believe if in person some little person tries to harm them... My soldier inside is coming out. :P



But not online lol



Its the internet... People take crap too easily ;)

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ThePinja
07:13 Jul 08 2010

Well that's your personal life outside of the box and I completely understand. If Someone tried to harm my boys things will end with adrenaline and pain lol. But online meh. Most of my buddies can take care of themselves and ya know have lives lol.

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For the third day in a row i've been called off my shift. Which means they closed early..... except today they were barely open. I've lost about 20 hours in three days which sucks ass. Getting rent paid I have 3 and a half weeks for that... making sure Ryan gets new shoes, and Zechariah gets new shoes and clothes as well... well thats a kick in the nuts. How can I be a proper father when I can't even take care of the boys? I'm supposed to be able to provide, even if i'm not with their mother. I can't keep doing this so i've got to look for other jobs. My buddy is going to try to hook me up at the cliff house. Slim pickings for the season.

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xxEmaeraldxx
20:45 Aug 01 2010

The fact thAt you care so deeply makes you more of a Father than whatever money can buy. I bet your kids love you ,,much..

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