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That's fucking it! I don't care anymore.. well this guy makes me all sorts of shy. xP But I'd really, really like to meet him. He's left me the best messages in my inbox that I've had. :3
I was afraid to have this feeling again. I didn't want to seem like I'd move on so fast but maybe I'll give this a try. Even if nothing happens later on, I'd like to meet up with him. x.x
;) I keep googling this band. I like this song cause it explains my fire feeling. The whole allure of playing with fire or having it be part of your personality.
Yeah. I read that as "get's my rocks off with socks." - Sorry Ezio.
I don't know if I've heard of this band before. :D
11:39 Mar 29 2011 Times Read: 644
There's something that I want more than anything. Yet, I don't think it'll ever happen. I just don't think I'm good enough. :/ I hate what I can't have.
I just figured it out but well, I can't surf on the net still. Cause my uncle never did that thing yet. T___T I really wanna surf the net and gain some images and text now so I can fuck around some more. T_T God damn, just when I'm learning I can't do what I want. Oh well, least I made a few cool coven things. Pretty soon I can have enough graphics for my place. xP I should work on some alliance stuff. >_> But, idk.
I can't stop playing with it. T_T I'm probably going to end up making a million graphics now that I've gotten better with my paint. I might even make a few things for this profile. >_> Maybe. Just wish I could get the text to change color.
I ment it in a non-literal sense though. I need my spark back. >_>
06:31 Mar 24 2011 Times Read: 706
I can't express what I feel. I thought things would be diffrent. I guess, what I wish I had sometimes was for someone to hold me and say that "everything's gonna be alright." instead of me telling myself that.
I just, can't express it cause I'm tired of the bad thoughts running through my head and how I can't man up and tell anyone. Plus, hell, I'm old and it's all too late. Just gotta stay quiet for my sister's sake anyway.
Yeah and this was yet another stupid entry. No need to bother reading it. It'd probably be best if no one read this.
Stomping my foot down can bring me some power. You need me. So when I threaten to leave and you tell me that you say such harsh things cause you won't let me go, it sorta feels nice. lol But one day I want to leave, start a life when I get older. I'm taking care of everyone for now.
Cat's gotta land on her feet. Even if I'm your spawn and you're more evil, what can I say? Learned from the best. Although, haha, I hope you never join VR. You'd so get me banned. I'd have to delete my journal and then you'd see some fuckers on here and say "WTF you fucking with her for?" Haha XD I'd so block you. >_>
I can't say what I wish to say. I just don't want to tell anyone. I'm tired of feeling like this but I don't want to show up. I want to be isolated. Sometimes I wake up and wonder how and why do I put up with it all? I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
I don't know. I guess the news that I heard about my child hood friends bummed me out. Cause if I truly think about it, maybe my life ain't so horrid. They ended up being street people. :/ I'm disappointed by that. Oh well!
In regards to the bottom half (cuz I don't get the first) I have friends that have disappointed me too, and in the end I realised I was much better off without them anyway.
Top half means that I didn't wanna share my bad thoughts with the rest of VR. Music helped me. :P
23:26 Mar 21 2011 Times Read: 727
Went outside to pay some bills. Bumped into a friend. Felt sorta awesome. I don't wanna hang out with him though. I seem to be picky with who I hang out with. He's a druggie. I just don't approve of that. Yeah the stoners of my old high school were okay people but I don't want anything to do with them. It's hi and bye.
I'll admit it was nice talking to him on the bus. I got to mention the thing I found about the poll kids and we both laughed cause they were assholes. He got to tell me about how college sucked. Then he mentioned my first offical ex. xP Ahh, sometimes I wonder why I was ever with Samuel. I guess he was just a pratice guy; summer fling when I was 16. I have higher standards these days. I guess he'll always haunt me cause people always seem to bring him up to me. -_- Guess that's because he would always stalk my friends and ask about me. Creeper. O_o
XD Hahaha What is he 22 now or something? I don't regret it though. I knew it wouldn't last back then. I'm mature about these things. Plus hey, everyone is or was a teenager at one point. What the hell is love anyway? Heh.
Something I'll find out when I'm ready and older. :P At the moment I still have to get on my feet and make sure that the family is okay. Family comes first. No matter how much hell they're giving me. T_T
I hate that I don't talk to the people I once talked to. I hate being trapped but yet most people I don't want to talk to. I miss Jason and people like Kenny. Jason.. I guess he wasn't someone that I needed to know on the computer though. :/ Cool guy but a bit of an asshole. An asshole who was awesome to me. xP Ha, good memories. But that's about it. Just memories.
I had his e-mail and his other e-mail but he never replied cause he was always changing his e-mail. His phone? Well he didn't have one. Heh, he was having problems even living in his home.
I never really did talk to people did I? Like not talk to them but really have a conversation and get to know them. Always wearing a mask. When will I take down the mask? On here I guess.
No, no meeting creepers. On here or FB. No, no, no, no means no. :x And then I ask why me? I'm not someone to see. o_O
Sorry just had to vent that after 3 guys kept asking me. Freaks me the fuck out. I don't wanna meet people. T_T Heh, reminds me of that Mad TV sketch. Can't post a link for an example though. X|
Time is very limited. I can't go onto anything that I want to. No naughty links. No links for me at all. In fact if my mom weren't out of the house then I probably won't be on.
So, want to send me a link even for something on you-tube? Can't see it, sorry. :x
Meh, well, today is goodbye. My computer's an ass. Uncle never updated what I needed. :/ I'll be back one day. I'm really tired anyway. Heh, I know I've spent way too much time on here. >:)
You make me want to give up again. I don't want to go there. I hate when you force me. Rejections are the hardest thing I guess. Fuck societies. Wait? Don't most people on here say that? Heh. :P Jobs fucking suck and I'll never become a suit but I'd love to get something one day.
Link! The funnyest thing that I've read in a long time. Someone wrote about the pole kids. rofl. God I hated them.
2. pole kid
A group of children at Edward R. Murrow High School who sit around a large pillar in the lobby all day long, regardless of what class they should be in, and display their immaturity in a variety of ways, much to the dismay of any unfortunate soul who may inadvertently glance at this disgusting display. They often run around wrestling or screaming, or doing other things which the rest of the population of Edward R. Murrow High School found funny when they were in sixth grade. They usually fail the majority of their classes, and don't shower often. They are always picked up for cutting by the deans because they are more often than not slightly developmentally delayed, and have trouble learning from their mistakes.
Some of the misconceptions made by this group are that they are diverse, sincere, mature, intelligent, and clean. All of the aforementioned beliefs are absolutely false. If anybody would like proof, just visit the school.
In short, they believe themselves to be some sort of elite social class which is all-accepting and has risen above the status quo by which everyone else is debased. In reality, the truth is that they can be summed up in one word: dirty.
Rose... yes, yes we are going to hell. :D And it's never been so sinfully delightful to get there.
PD... I have no soul (Some mix up with "God") but, I can compensate. :P
17:59 Mar 17 2011 Times Read: 822
The 12 hour limit is such a bitch. Oh well, time to spend some time on here before my time is up for the little time that I have because my uncle still hasn't gotten back to me.
Okay here's the deal. My uncle has gotten surgery recently and I needed something for my computer. He's yet to reply to me or update something for me so if I'm gone for a few days.. yeah. :/ But hopefuly it won't be so bad. I hate to leave for a bit but, well, I only have about a day left on here before something expires. I'll be back soon. Don't worry about a thing. I could never leave my addiction behind.
arrrrrrrgh! dont leave me here on my own! LOL take care and be back soon :P
PRIVATE ENTRY
09:36 Mar 17 2011 Times Read: 828
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
The 20th
00:32 Mar 17 2011 Times Read: 836
Purim is comming up. I just tasted chocolate hamentashen. Haha, I still love the classic poppyseed. I don't really celebrate it but I try sometimes. For those of you who have no idea of what I'm talking about it's sorta like a Halloween. :P Yet, different.
I'm going to write a reflection of my VR year in April but I'm starting it now. Just going to keep it private. I wonder if it'll be long but it'll be awesome. haha
As for my last entry I'm still being a whiny brat but one day I'll look back on it all and laugh. Hopefuly.
And yes, we probably are all whiny brats - in some level - but still, we rock on.
*sneezes*
10:23 Mar 15 2011 Times Read: 868
Back to it being nice outside and me working like a slave to help everyone. Part of me doesn't mind and wouldn't mind but the fact that I can't get what I want once in a while pains me. I can take being over worked but I just wish for once that I didn't have to fight my rights of being able to use the computer. I mean.. that's all I even ask for these days. I don't even ask for much. Don't even ask for the clothes that I loved.. I don't even ask for games.. or anything. I just wish I could be happy. I push away some others that have been talking to me recently. Just slightly because I'm not ready for another relationship and even a friend relationship. God I'm so lame. I'm in pain on the inside.
I mean, she won't even let me sleep in my bed. The way to solve this problem would be if I could get a job and start supporting them and myself and then trying to help myself mostly but no one will hire me and I just feel sick of trying. -_- I fucking hate this whole year. It's not worth the trouble, or is it?
Then go for it! Get that job and buy that bed you want to sleep in.:D Once you dont have to depend on someone to provide things,you will feel so much better.
21:30 Mar 14 2011 Times Read: 873
I can see some things and I'd only tell one person. Looks like I'll have to keep my mouth shut. Ahh! xD
I posted an event in a public thread. Maybe that'll cheer me up. Hell, at least I have that to look forward to. For those that tryed to cheer me up that was sorta nice but I don't know what's come over me. Maybe I'm just feeling a bit too human. Lost and wanting.
Fucking sad mood. Fuck it. I don't even know why! -_-' Wtf?
I know I've probably posted this video before but I just can't help it. I hate you people so much but I love you. I'd do anything, hell I've done alot for you guys. I love my family but you're so killing me inside. Fuck, you won't even let me go to bed. I hate that shit so much. You guys make me so fucked up by treating me like this but hell, at least I'm on VR and not in the streets like most people my age. eh.
Everything was going well. Then the neighbours threaten to call bullshit on us. Threaten. Doesn't mean they have done anything but if something happens... I'll... have nothing. Poor Daisy. I love you. :/ Don't do it people. I worked hard to get her back. Like so body destroying hard and now that happens. If she ends up getting taken then there's not getting her back.
Not a real love thing. Don't read it the wrong way. xP
13:20 Mar 11 2011 Times Read: 920
During the day I can think of so many things to write. Yet, I don't write everything. This love. To be set free without being judged. Then bam, on a vampire site none the less I get people trying to conform me to societies norm. Am I ugly, stupid, rude, ill manared, or am I simply an artist; human, flawed, jouney riddled, scared, and more interesting than you can believe?
Of corse, my story may not include drugs, drinks, cybering, porn watching, hissy fits, soap operas, ugly, uglyness from vain people who have nothing better to do than bitch about me. That my friends is the down side. I swear, i can't comment in anyone's journal unless I'm invited to do so. Again, this is a public site.
I hate writing non-sense about boasting. Hate. It's why a few things have been privated. There are some things that I wish I had recorded in words and something I only wish I could forget.
My main question is, am I bad or just misunderstood? Heh, in the last seconds of writing this my Medusa kitty huged my leg. xD Aww, I love the tricks she does. I think her attention needing is cute. She purrs as I pick her up.
Blah, this morning made me feel like a softy. For some reason I really wanna turn into a softy. This will be a goal of mine. One step at a time.
She's getting so big. This morning I picked her up and gave her a.. um, hug. Yes, I said it. But she didn't noticed. >_> One day she'll probably be bigger than me but I'll never (double negative) not be able to pick her up. I'd train hard to be able to pick her up even if she gets old. Cause someone's gotta count on family for a pick me up. :P Yeah, today I'm lame.
I'm the cool person with the sunglasses. What is a hug? I'll turn into a softy one day. I wanna be a softy for some reason. I want to feel. I want to stop writing non-sense half dead asleep worried about everything. x.x
07:15 Mar 11 2011 Times Read: 930
Mommy. >:( That joke was in bad taste. I'm so not showing my face in town even if it was funny. T_T
Well, I feel as If I want to vomit. I should be sleeping but my sister's taken my bed and I'm by my mother's side. Making sure she's alright. It's what I do most of the time. Let me say, except for the fact that I've been feeling rather more anemic than usual, I find the days to have been pleasant.
My mother's home attendent has always gotten on my nerves. She's tryed to butt into my business had once tryed to give me orders in my own home. Well this bitch, Lilly, god how I HATE that name, has gotten to be even more of a dolt! She's left out food from the fridge and even some of my mom's meds. Stuff that keeps my mother alive. After that Lilly has tryed to throw away stuff that isn't hers and has had fits when my mother wanted the dumb bitch to do her job.
When Lilly comes over I'm going to have to keep an eye on her.
That's exactly it. Old friends who've gone rotten. And now they'll drive me nuts with such an idiot name that they've given themself. Lol Fuck it, I'm only coming here sometimes and not all the time. Means that if I'm online during that day then I'm probably not online.
I suppose I should eat something. I was surprisingly happy this morning. Like really happy and then I knocked out. hahaha Yes, sick. Like achey zombie movement sick and I don't wanna eat anything, but I might feel better if I had something. Maybe something with a high iron count. Like beef.
I really miss everyone. I wanna be able to talk and hang out and be normal. I just admited to not been able to have attened college. Ugh and then FB died on me! T__T Now, I can't talk to the friends I was talking to. X_X
So much anger and hurt. I hold myself back so many times. Why can't you give me a break. My nuckles are still bloody. Now I'm being forced to bed. I won't sleep for hours but then again I can't talk much. How far will you push me? Where's my limit?
Fuck you and your damn orders. I'm not your slave. YOU deal with the home attendents. I want nothing to do with people who come over and do nothing but stress me out. I feel like I have an over dose of stress this week. I don't need this shit.
Well when I spoke to her she understood. (Wensday appointment) And I did tear a little. Then laughed because I have a bad habbit of laughing when I'm hurt. I have the burden of helping my family. I really feel bad calling it a burden. I have to take care of my sick mother and my little sister.
Ugh, and mommy better not die on me. :/ That'd mean I'd have to raise a pre-teen by myself. God, I feel so stressed.
It used to be that mom'd complain that I couldn't hang out because metro cards cost money but I do have that big metro that I worked for. When the weather gets warmer my treat is to take myself to the beach and have that nice long walk.
I get stressed with not really expressing how I feel. That ache inside hurts. I just need to grow up and take it. Sorry for anyone who reads me whining. I hate sob stories myself depending on the person.
The truth is that I just don't know what I want. One of those days where I just want to hide from the world. I don't know what it is. Do I just feel unloved or is it because I never get to do what I want? It's never about me. Heh, damn, I don't mean to seem selfish.
Yet, I don't want anything. Just maybe, a long neverending walk with some good weather. That'd make me happy. A walk without a worry in the world. Not having to run an errand while I'm out. :/ That's even too much to ask for.
I can't just be "happy". I don't even know how to cry for god sakes. Just tear while no one notices; behind brown tinted glasses. Just putting a fake smile on and helping out the family. Heh. Just being an "adult". Just watching others have fun with friends while I stand, not even sit down, like a bodygurad.
Yeah, VR really is one of the few pleasures in life that I can hold onto.
Everytime his name is mentioned I just wanna kick him in the balls. But I need to get my mind off of it and listen to people more. Heh, fugly uncle fucker.
Fresh new month, no more crap. I hope. And this is around the time that I went back to being on the rave. Just waiting for April to get here so that I can get the one year mark.
Feeling slightly sick though and I might head back to bed.
COMMENTS
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Lullaby
00:11 Apr 01 2011
:3