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Okay, that's something to learn about. Makes me understand about standings. I don't think my place is half bad. It's doing quite well. I'm sorta glad for my wasted time doing others bidding in capturing people in the past. I don't want to be an ass like they were. I'm much too kind.
I'm starting to think I know more about covens than I do the ToS. xD In fact most of this stuff is sort of simple.
After getting two members in one day. I'm getting my old skills back. Still a bit shaky but I can't help it. I totally feel like a rock star and my spoiled member is resting. Win! ^.^ haha, love ya! ;P
I don't like what's been going on. Maybe a 2 day leave would do me some good. Might make someone cry though. lol I could live with that. Ah, that's if I go. I'll inform some.
I wish I could kick them ALL out! God damn. You're rude and disrespectful. Oh? You're a friend of my mothers, okay, this is my place too. What's this? Oh, okay, don't like me I'll fucking leave. God damn. If only I could say such shit. I'm too damn nice and adults these days can shut the fuck up! GRRrr! I need to find my dumb bells, I swear. Dumb bells and metal!
As for the dream I just wish I could get rid of one of my pets. I've had evil thoughts about them. Ugh. I don't like thinking so badly. I'm not that evil.
Found this cute song when I locked myself in my bedroom for a while:
"He's large and ugly giant monster, headless on my back
This urgent haste in my head
Materialized in this dark hole world
No one can help me there
I know this pain has gone too far
The fear is now so loud
Kill a child I'm trying to protect myself
Against your old controlled hate
Pollution of mind filled all the space and destroyed my light
I've regretted something. It's why I get nightmares. Just jolting up and screaming oh god.. I hate those images and how it feels so real. So much blood on my hands. A very scary thought.
People reading this will think I'm nuts. No- I'm not talking about killing or anything that bad. Just some horrible mental images.
If only I could get rid of this one thing in my life I'd maybe feel better. Maybe.
My new ACM is wonderful. She shares the same views for the coven as I. Let me just quote one of my rules: #4 You don't need to be an artist to be here. We set no labels.
Yes, my coven is about art but not just in the sense of artwork. I choose the word art to be very simple. 'Art' as in any form. The most important thing that I want for my coven is to remain peaceful.
For those that want to join and have art experience, it's more than welcome. In this coven we learn from eachother.
The only thing I might hate is a snobby conformist. That is why I'm trying to hold back on joining an alliance but someone is planning something and well.. never say never. However, if a coven that I don't like joins it, I won't say a word as to why I want to leave, I'll just end up leaving. I don't want drama at all. That is why I choose to be quiet at times. Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
One thing that I have to thank from being time consumed in making my coven is that it helps me ignore alot of half truths and bullshit that I see written across the board. :P
Thanks you guys. Great advice WallFlower. :) I won't give up. I never gave up with my mentorship, I just have to find out what I want to do with everything and when it's all set up. I'll be a great CM. That's what I aim for. :P
Any time I message him it feels like a heart attack. T.T Just waiting to get it approved. If it doesn't then I'll go with another theme. It's when I don't get an anwser that it feels worse. >.o
It's just the net. No worries. I'm just feeling really naked on my profile because I'm not in one.
Thanks, love ya too. :P Just wishing I had my coven. xP
PRIVATE ENTRY
01:09 Jan 14 2011 Times Read: 824
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
17:54 Jan 13 2011 Times Read: 830
I got desperate. I called that store back and then my mom called eomeone that I hate to see if I could get a job there. Ugh. Fuck this shit! I just don't ever want to go to BTW again. x_X They hate me and I hate them. Come on life give me a bit more luck. Pretty soon, I'll end up making them FTC me.
When I was a kid - I remember the grown ups going to AT&T to send telegrams - darn thing's expensive - short one liners - but hey, fun and is worth it.
05:49 Jan 12 2011 Times Read: 857
That exsistance is bliss. Just wishing for the snow storm. Maybe I'll do something and get out of other things. To have went though some stuff it feels better than some of the things in life. At least in this adventure there is no getting damaged. The only hurt is in the heart. Which isn't so bad when I have none.
All of what I've read makes me want to vomit. There just isn't any forgiving that. So I cut myself off of the world. So anit-social. Heh. That toxic world. I've hurt someone in the end. They'll not forgive me but eh, shit happens.
So they sent me home saying that if I showed up not dressed they way they wanted then they'd FTC me. Fucktards just don't want me there. My only options are to get a job now somehow or hurt myself. Joking, I wouldn't do the latter. lol Just thinking of the expression break a leg. xP
I'll call the one store that I wanted to work at. I never got a call from them. T.T Oh well.
-Yawns- I'm sleepy but I'll be needing to go out later today. Just hope everything's okay for everyone.
Just playing around with cursers and updating my profile some. I should keep this website. I like it. So far things are working on here. Usualy from the past it's been a bit hard to find anything that works. heh.
I feel better knowing that I have learned a few things. I'll pass on my knowlage to some who don't understand in the future if it ever comes down to it. It's all about tiral and error and well, I'm going to rock it when it's all done. :P
Maybe I'm just jealous that absolute crap gets better comments than my work still. It's nothing new. Many artist's go through it. :/ Eh, never giving up as always because I know that deep down inside if things were stolen then it means I must be talented.. right?
Ugh! Once I had a full portfolio on here of my photography, and some douche used it on another website.
But, as far as being an artist goes...paint on paper and what not, I suck, horribly. And I never get comments and even though I get discouraged, I still keep trying. Because I mean, I do it because I enjoy it...you know, as a hobby.
If I could have this song up again I would but they had taken it off of the playlist site. I just enjoy it alot. It'll be another post in my journal about how much I think it's fun but it'll be worth it. I think it explains why some people don't like me. I'm not so lovable. Go figure.
I don't post silly pictures. My writing speaks for itself. I'm an artist and all things holy. Ect!!! I don't care about rates. Translates to: I write a bunch of crap! I'm too good for you eventhough I never say the word bitch, 'nuff said! I love art but let's face it I don't even believe in pictures, hence why nothing is on my profile!
Eh, some profiles annoy me but it doesn't matter. People are human.
That is what I ment. Guess writing in another color didn't make that clear enough. I love words but sometimes people who think they're too good for others don't even have any art work up. Trying to claim that they are something that they just aren't. Eh, well some other people who are similar have some 'art' up but lets just say.. no. They aren't that great at writing or art. Ugh, I'm a ranter. >.o
So I went to 'work' late and they wanted to FTC me. XD Haha! Fuck, if it were a real job I'd quit! So they told me to bring them 3 business cards and leave. That would count as my day. Hell it was fucking snowing outside and there were train delays. I mean you people know I wanted to stay online instead of going to their shit. Man I hated that guy. So I looked in the bottom of my bag and pulled out 3 random cards. They can suck on that!
These people drive me nuts and God, you better let me have the job I want so that I can get the fuck outta there. Man. Suits. Ugh.
So I took the train back early. Yes, early. ^.^ I slept on the train and then I hear there two wanna be hoodlem gangster older teens yelling "Holy shit! It's a goth vampire. Hahah Scary vampire!" Then I wake up some more and I see this guy getting pissed at them for trying to bother me. It was Angelo! This ugly dude who always liked me and all of my old punk friends would call him an asshole. xD Hahaha, I felt special. xP The these two other older guys started yelling with Angelo agenst the hoodlems who got scared and got off of the train.
It was cool. I didn't care if some stupid kids called me a vampire but I know that dude was being real sweet. He has a good heart but, naw, not my type. :P
I'm going to really miss being there. What I'll make might even really suck but something tells me that I want one. That I deserve it already. It might be just another dead fail of the one I make but I'll see what I can do. It's just something that I think I could use, not just for myself but maybe some others. Maybe I could teach someone or save others. It would be a place where no one is judged a place for freedom.
I know who I'd want to help run it too. >_>
Ah with a job that will be on the way, I'm probably making a mistake. I won't be on as much and I miss everyone. Only being on for about 2 or 3 hours sucks. Oh well, so let it be. I want what I want.
I really wish I could at least find that charger. I'd love to get things started. I have most of it planded out. Heh, maybe I'll just write and stuff while I'm in that monkey cage. Then by the time I'm done, I could just have alot set up. Time to go soonish, though I must say thanks very much for having me. Taking me in when I was tainted. It ment alot to me and your respect was appreciated.
Okay, time for something good to write about instead of fucked up life shit. "Show me your friends and I will see who you are." -Some dude named Angel.
Today was mostly boring as hell and my legs are killing me from so muchwalking.Before I went home I happened to remember this shop that had a help wanted sign out.
If I get that job I'd die and go to heaven. X3
It'd be like a nerd in a comic store. ;P
Not saying anything more because I don't want to jinx it.
So I'm up but I don't feel too great. I might have caught a cold from standing outside waiting for some appointments in a skirt too. T_T
Eh, I have a fever and I can't take a deep breath without chocking on air. It's my life though. I don't know how foolish I can get but like I just told my mom, "It's my life, I have a fever and I can't breath. I know I have to go soon but I've been through so much that I just really want to do what makes me happy."
Meaning, if I'm going to go through hell, I might as well do as I please some of the time, like log on to here when I can. I'm being such a fool but I can't help it. THis place helps me more than anything. I don't know, maybe it's this whole journal. I can vent and most can't see or read it. It's a recording of my life. Though I bet one day, it'll all be read by the wrong person; I'm willing to let that happen for some odd reason. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not one to express said feelings out loud sometimes and because my feelings get most angry at me.. then if whoever reads it reads it.. I don't think it'll be as bad. I hope.. Eh, wishful thinking! Always wishful thinking.
Waking up and feeling suffocated. I can't breath right. x.x I don't know what it's from. A sleep disorder prehaps? Ugh, I hate this feeling. I'll just go back to bed and see what happens. Maybe it's stress telling me to calm the fuck down. :| Whatever it is, it hurts to breath. >.o
Okay I made it back. Apparently I didn't get lost. I never get lost anymore and I even found a short cut home. o_o
Eh, it sucks. Least I'm sorta getting payed. It's real annoying and the people there are a bunch of hoodlems and gangsters. Eh, I'll survive. Cheers for being a sucky adult!
Alucard: I get that a lot. But then what does that make you? A man? A dog? Or a monster?" "That dog is neither man nor monster. Only a man can truly hope to kill a monster."
[Jan's ghouls are eating the corpses of dead Hellsing commandos]
Jan Valentine: We appreciate you joining us for this late lunch: we are currently enjoying the delicious taste, of the Hellsing membership!
Integra: They're... eating my people...!
Jan Valentine: [over the intercom] - And while you're waiting for us to kill *you*, we highly recommend pissing yourselves! Followed by a course of praying to your impotent God! Then cowering in the corner and begging - always good - but if you act now, there's still time for an old-fashioned SUICIDE! Thank you London! We love you! Good night!
I'm going to chicken out. >_> If they catch me here, I'm fucked but I just don't care anymore. Sure I'm going to suck it up and go there in the morning but let's face it, 3 hours of sleep is pointless and I'll end up tossing and turning in my bed. Fuck the world! It's my life. lol
So when I had woke up, we argued. My sister was being a brat and I said fuck it I'll get ready and leave. My mother hates when I say that because I'm not bluffing. I have no place where I'd go nor would I want to go anywhere.
She started crying and I was laughing but I'll admit a tear shed from me. I just didn't show it. >.> I don't like when people cry even the D: or :( face gets to me when people use it on here. I don't mean to be a bad person but I just want to get away from assholes like this. I've done a hell of a lot.
I know that yeah I have food and a roof over my head but if I don't want to be here it's all up to me. If that were to happen then I wouldn't be near a computer but shit happens. I know that I've wanted to not be here for the longest and that I've written about going many times but one day I'll make that happen. Probably won't happen for a long time but I have my hopes. I'm just tired of doing shit that I don't want to do.
I think that this might be one of my last nights of staying up all night for a long time. :|
Things just havn't been great for me. It's a hardship and everyone goes through such things. The thing is that I'm going to have to be somewhere by 9am and leave by 5pm. Yeah a real 9 to 5 thing. It's a job training thing where they help people get a job. I don't want it.
Reading back on that paragraph I realized that I said the word thing way too much but I'm tired and too lazy to fix it. >_>
I'm going to see if I can get some random ass job just to tell them that I have a job. It's not what I hoped to do with my life but I want to get the fuck out of this so bad. This is all very hard to explain and I doubt that I'll get into it with anyone. All I'm saying is that I may not be on here as much.
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