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Is this real?



I hope so...I hope it lasts longer than my heart is trying to tell me. It would break my heart to let him go. But if he must go, I shall do my best. How does that saying go... "If they come back it was meant to be" ? Bullshit.



I hate the fact that I crave his attention, but he must focus on other things....what am I rambling about you say?



I live with my Squishy now. He's sleeping and I'm awake. I cherish the times he holds me, cuddles me, tells me that he loves me, and even says that I'm his. But how long will this last? How long before he starts to wonder if I'm getting on his nerves, when he starts to wonder if this was worth it...like he said, he traveled through 2 states to be with me - Am I worth it? Do I make him happy? Am I what he wanted? Or does he secretly wish for someone else, wish that everything that happened was just a dream and he would wake up to reality, still single.

I must hide this fear of mine...it is an irrational fear, but it lives and breathes inside me. It makes me hold him a little tighter, kiss him a little longer, miss him greatly when he's not around, but worst of all, it makes me want to cry when I think of him leaving. . .



I love him and I will cherish him however long it will last, and even beyond that, because he made me love once again.

I have the chance to hold him, to kiss him, to cuddle up with him...I have that chance and I'm scared it might slip through my fingers once again.



And if everything works out...



I'm scared he might find me repulsive. Isn't that why everyone else left me? I'm easily disposable, apparently. I want to feel confident when he's around...but many years of verbal abuse tends to take it's toll, especially if it's from people you love and family. Family that say they love you and that's the only reason they say these things. Why shouldn't I believe them? This is why I find it hard to believe anyone that comes along and finds me beautiful, lovely, and what not. Because I have heard it all before and they have left me when I was being difficult. Unfortunately, it's the abusers that tend to stick around. Beating away at your confidence until you have none left. Stripping away your trust until no one is trustworthy anymore.



Blah, I feel like I'm whining. But sadly, it's the truth.

COMMENTS

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Azzriel999
07:28 Jul 01 2009

one day you will find someone that makes you feel safe. when you find them listen to your heart, it will tell you what to do.

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