5/14/1017:08 May 14 2010
Times Read: 809
May 14, 2010 12:02 PM
Thirty-four days.
I decided to try and contact my guardian angel a short time ago. After reading up on the subject over the past week, I discovered that if such angels do exist, it is likely not a good idea to summon them yourself, as the Bible advises against it (meaning that one could actually bring forth a demonic entity instead of an angel). Therefore, late Wednesday night/Thursday morning, I chose to meditate (with a candle lit, chakra-opening music playing, and incense burning) in an attempt to "receive" a message from God and/or Jesus Christ (perhaps thinking that my guardian angel would be sent by one of them).
Nothing happened. No message, no angel - no nothing.
I have been experiencing a need lately to finally discover my purpose in life and resolve my feelings of hopelessness, isolation, loneliness, and despair once and for all. This is where the idea of attempting to contact my guardian angel originated from. Obviously, I know I cannot continue through life the way I am.
Needless to say, I was very disappointed. I slumped over with my fist covering my mouth and just stared at the flickering flame of the candle. I thought about everything that had led me to this point. I’m not sure how much time I spent gazing, perhaps a half an hour or so.
And I knew.
Later that morning, I did something that always eases my mind and helps me to think - I took a walk in the cemetery. I stood in the center of the graveyard and again thought about … just everything. I made my way back to the front gates and looked around. I closed my eyes, took a long, deep breath, and let all that was inside me run through my mind at once.
And again, I knew.
I don’t belong in this world. To be honest, I’m not sure if I ever have. No matter what I do, there always seems to be a constant cloud of hopelessness and depression over me. And I am so far gone now and so much has happened that I seriously doubt I will ever be able to have a normal life.
It hurts. Never having fallen in love … not even having friends to hang out with or confide in … not having anyone important in my life at all … just being so insignificant to everybody, and knowing almost for a fact that these things will never change. It hurts more than most people can possibly imagine. I've dug my life into quite a rut, and I'm not even sure I completely understand how it came to this point.
I just can't handle it anymore. It has to end. And it's going to - in thirty-four days, on June 17. Unless, of course, a miracle happens and something occurs to prevent it.
See, I am of the opinion that even if a person has made the educated and well-planned choice to take their own life (something I feel is very rarely necessary), they should wait at least a month to carry it out (I have allowed myself a little more time in order to coincide with my days off of work). This gives the individual ample time to either change their minds or have something develop in their life to make them feel it is worth living. I read the other day that approximately forty percent of teenage suicides are done on impulse. Can you believe that? FORTY PERCENT! Hell, my life has essentially been shattered since I was sixteen, and the idea never even creeped into my mind until a few years ago!
This is a very serious - and permanent - decision, boys and girls - so you'd better be damn sure.
As for where God is in all of this, I honestly don't know. I have asked Him to show me what I was created for, but I still find myself in the same place after all of these years. Then again, perhaps I have been wrong all along - maybe I wasn't chosen for anything special. Maybe I'm just another guy. In any case, I guess He has until June 17 to show me what He wants, because I'm lost on the matter. I do know that being the way I am has allowed me to help several people dealing with serious problems over the years (some who have even credited me with saving their life, but I think that is a stretch). Perhaps that was my reason for being here. Somehow, I doubt that, but if it is the case, then I am fine with it.
I don't really know how I feel right now. I suppose "Strange" is the best way to describe it. Disappointed, obviously, sort of relieved, anxious, and yes, somewhat scared also. I'm sure we have all heard the theories that those who commit suicide go to Hell. I don't claim to have the answer to that question. However, if this will indeed be my punishment for taking my life ... then I am ready to accept it. Besides, the hottest flames downstairs can't be worse than what I am feeling up here. They just can't be.
I think in the back of my mind I always knew this is how my story would end. I guess I just hoped that I would figure something out. I haven't given my amnesia idea much thought recently (and I suppose I will poke around about it a little over the next few weeks), but I have exhausted almost every avenue I can think of in the last four years. Besides, there is something that crossed my mind today, something that I admittedly never thought of before:
Even if I were to discover a way to get it done, I would still be placed in the exact same life. So, who's to say I wouldn't just have to go through everything all over again, right from the beginning? Maybe not, but it's a possibility. Would I take the opportunity if something came up? Sure - I mean, why not? But I am not going to actively pursue it.
As far as I'm concerned, it's over. I certainly don't expect anything to happen over the next month to "save" me, but I guess you never know. Besides, my main focus is going to be on enjoying the final weeks of my life. This is another reason why I feel those who have chosen to end their lives should give themselves some time - everybody deserves to do something fun before they die. Me, I have always wanted to go skydiving, so I'm hoping I can make that happen. But, we'll have to see.
I'm certainly not going to lie and say that I am not sad and disappointed by the conclusion I have reached, but I sincerely feel it is the best thing. There are a lot of things I wish I had done differently in my life and I do have regrets, perhaps the biggest being that I will not be around to see my niece Scarlett grow up. But the truth is, she really doesn't need me, and may even be better off without me around. Scarlett is surrounded by many people, friends and family, who love and care for her, so I seriously doubt I will leave a huge void.
It would have been nice to discover a way to have a normal life - with friends (Even ONE person I could trust!), and especially to fall in love. Having been alone so often for so long, I have learned to appreciate little things that most others likely take for granted. And it would have been such a great feeling to know that I had made someone happy. To see somebody all lit up and know that I was the reason (*Laughs* Uh ... does that sound arrogant?). But, I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
Am I a quitter for the decision I have reached? I'd like to think not. I am all but certain that I have tried, fought, and lasted longer in this position than just about anyone else would have (well over a decade). But if making this choice constitutes giving up, then I'm okay with that. I have made peace with a lot of things.
One thing I have learned is that nobody has any business passing judgment on those who have taken their lives or are considering doing so until you yourself have reached that point of despair and (more importantly) hopelessness. While I admittedly feel that many (if not most) suicides are likely unnecessary overall and perhaps somewhat hasty on the part of the victim, those who have never experienced being at such a low place cannot possibly comprehend what it is like. I used to think suicide was for quitters - this was when I was much younger and far more oblivious to many things. Believe me, it is very easy to criticize when things in your own life are going well.
Well ... I guess that's that. There really isn't anything more to say.
Thirty-four days.
I think it's time to start doing something I haven't done in a very long time.
Live.
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