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June 16, 2010 5:35 AM





Well ... it looks like the clock has been stopped, at least temporarily.



As I mentioned in a previous entry, a member of VR has been looking into a way for me to get my amnesia idea done. She believes that she has discovered something promising, and I must say it may have potential. So, I figure I might as well give it a try. If anything, I owe her at least that considering all of the time and effort she has put into this.



So, I guess my plans have changed.



I have actually known about this for a few days, but was waiting for more information on the matter before commenting. Truthfully, I would have had to delay everything for another week anyway due to the number of things I still had to get in order. I hadn't realized how much I had left to do until the other day. I suppose that's what happens when you let things pile up.



I find myself somewhat down and disappointed. I'm not sure why. I should be ecstatic, and a couple of years ago, I would have been. Perhaps I am skeptical as to whether or not this will work or if I can pull it off. Or maybe deep down, I just wanted everything to be over. I suppose it could also be a combination of those things.



I guess we'll see what happens from here.

COMMENTS

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Silverhawk
12:36 Jun 16 2010

you know...time is only a limit that you put upon yourself....but there's one thing you missed...you are loved and you are cared about...a great deal. I care about you and I love you as my friend, even though we've only just known each other a little, I'm blessed for knowing you...and what is love if not a blessing?



You've truly committed yourself and yet, you are still here...I'm thankful for that...I've been praying for that in my heart...and I'm still praying for you and you can count on it, it's just the way I am.



Why not, instead...make yourself a living example to those who need help...by helping yourself...send these things you've prepared to these agencies..not as a last request, but simply send them because of your earnest desire to reach out and take someone else by the hand.



Remembering the past is not nearly as important as making memories in the present. As it is, I may as well tell you, I've had people writing me concerned about you.



Since being here, I've helped a lot of people...but I'll tell you true, I'd much rather work intercession for those who knock upon death's door than have to work the heartbreaking intercession for those who are left behind, grieving and asking why the love they felt for someone wasn't "enough." I've counseled one who watched her ex die when he stabbed himself after going to great lengths with his parents to intercede and stop him. I counseled another who instead of killing herself, chose life instead and ended up killing her own father in self-defense.



I deal with death premonitions on a regular basis Adam...it is always a roulette wheel, the ball spinning and spinning...and I never know when it's going to stop....I just know that it will. Sometimes it runs me crazy, not knowing...but that is the nature of it and I cannot change it.



However, I must ask you one question and you can answer it here or in my inbox...Do you think that Love is something you feel? or is it yet what we give of ourselves?



Be Blessed Today and Every Day From Here on Out...I don't know about you, but I'm glad to know you and aside from that, who else could I chat about wrestling or day to day with? :) I love you my friend..don't forget that...I give it of myself simply because it's worth it to give to you.

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xxBlueFairyxx
02:57 Jun 17 2010

I am glady your still with us Adam. I have been following , but I have been working 14 hr days, I want you to know you have broken my heart.

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DestroyingAngel
08:31 Jun 17 2010

*hugs hard*

This is the best news I've heard on here and the only genuine smile I have had in so long! The clock has stopped, and I know it stopped FOR A REASON, Adam.

You can do this. I know you can!

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POST COMMENT

June 14, 2010 8:34 AM





I have so much to get finished in the next two and a half days - so much that I regret putting it off until now.



Obviously, I have to write my letter. I plan to keep that basic and accompany the note with a disc containing my VR profile and what I feel are relevant journal entries. I think that is best rather than simpy re-typing everything I have already written.



I also wish to put together an article of sorts detailing my theories and feelings on suicide and send them to the appropriate organizations and/or individuals. Seeing as my decision came after years and years of mental and spiritual deterioration - not to mention that fact that I have documented much of what I've gone through - I believe I have something to offer on the subject. In fact, I feel this may have even been my "purpose" that I have been searching for my entire life - to help others via my own experiences. To become the Suicide Doll, so to speak.



Additionally, I am going to look for a pentagram-designed knife or athame, as I have decided to "exit" with a wrist-slashing. After giving it some thought, that is what seems to make the most sense. It is an effective way to get the job done without being overly gory. And as silly as this may sound, I feel having a pentagram in my hands while performing the act will make it easier given my history with the symbol.



If my family decides to bury me (I am leaving it up to them), I have decided that I wish to wear my leather pants, shin-length leather coat, arm sleeves, fingerless pentagram gloves, pentagram watch that my sister gave me for my birthday a few years ago, and a new plain black T-shirt, which I am shopping for today. I am also requesting that my fingernails be painted black if possible.



On top of everything else, I have a shitload of laundry to do as well. *Laughs*



I hope to have all of this finished by tomorrow. I certainly don't want to be bogged down with errands on Wednesday - I think I'd rather enjoy my last day on Earth!



I am going to visit my mom while I'm out today also, which could be the last time I see her. So, I guess it should be an interesting day, if nothing else.



I will admit to being a little disappointed that, as of now, nothing has occurred to "stop the clock". Not that it is surprising, of course. If anything, the past month has been further validation that I am making the right decision. A few people have approached me after learning some of the things I have been going through and claimed to want to help, etc., but most have simply forgotten or stopped caring - which is generally the case where I am concerned. It hurts, but I'm not sure I can be too upset with them. I have been thinking, and if I am correct about my purpose in life being to assist suicidal individuals, perhaps people can sense in some way that there are not supposed to care about me to any great degree. Maybe I simply wasn't meant to be loved or cared for on any real level.



In any case, it's time to start the first of two very busy days ...

June 9, 2010 4:28 PM





Well, D-Day is one week away. My, how time has flown. Although I pretty much figured it would.



You know, I realized something today: Up until now, I haven’t given any thought whatsoever to how I’m going to actually DO it. I have an idea, but I suppose there is still a little time left for me to make up my mind.



A member of VR has been assisting me in finding an entity to summon in regard to my amnesia idea. As I have written before, I am not as sure about the plan as I used to be, but I would be willing to give it a try given my two options. But, I suppose we’ll have to see where it goes.



I haven’t done as much “living” as I had hoped I would, although it’s not as if I had many plans to begin with. Skydiving would have been cool, but I decided it just wasn’t worth it in the end. But I have done other things, I suppose. Reaching out to my brother and sister was a good step, obviously. I also wrote to a girl I wronged when I was a teenager, which may sound silly, but looking back, that appears to have been the beginning of my terrible decision-making and general fucked-upness. I didn’t hear back from her. Not that I blame her one bit, of course, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed. It would have been nice to get the closure of her forgiveness. Obviously, however, I completely understand her viewpoint.

June 6, 2010 1:39 PM





The following is a Facebook message I sent to my former babysitter today. It is the first time I have ever confided my true feelings to anyone in my life, and I decided to include it here, as the message contains much of what I feel inside.





Hi, Jen:



Sorry again about the mix-up yesterday.



I have gone back and forth in thinking whether or not sending this message is a good idea, and truthfully, I am still not sure. But I already asked if it was alright for me to open up to you somewhat, so I guess it would look pretty stupid for me to now say, “Oops, changed my mind.” I suppose it doesn’t really matter anyway, so here goes:



I guess the first thing I should tell you is that I have suffered from severe depression since I was 16 or so. Actually, I’m not even sure “depression” is the right word. At least not anymore. Anyway, over the past few years, things have gotten progressively worse.



The truth is, I honestly feel hopeless. It’s not the same as being sad, depressed, heartbroken, or anything else I can think of. True hopelessness is something that is somewhat hard to describe and a feeling I believe very, very few people ever experience.



I feel truly alone in the world - like I don’t even belong in it - and have absolutely nobody I can trust or confide in (this message doesn’t count, because it’s the first time I’ve ever actually told anyone these things, lol). I have never come close to falling in love and as stupid as this may sound, I don’t even have friends.



I truly believe that I am not important to anyone in any way. And this is based on the way people treat me - insignificantly, as if I am not worth bothering with. I sincerely feel that if I disappeared tomorrow, nobody would be all that upset (the fact that the only person I have to confide in about this is my childhood babysitter who hasn‘t even seen me since I was 12 should tell you all you need to know. Don‘t get me wrong, it‘s nothing against you, of course - I‘m sure you know what I mean, lol).



All if this hurts deeply. And I feel like carrying it around all of these years has eaten away at my mind and soul - to the point where I have nothing left.



I came to a realization several weeks ago: I can’t beat this. For a decade-plus, I had always hoped I would figure something out, that things would change eventually as long as I kept trying, but they haven’t. And while I like to believe I’ve lasted longer in this position than just about anyone else would, I’m out of hope and strength.



I told you when we first spoke on Facebook that I had wished to contact you so I could thank you for how you treated me when I was younger. And that’s true. But looking back, I think there may have been another reason for it also. Maybe I was hoping you could help me again in life or “save” me, for lack of a better term. You’re probably wondering what the Hell I expected you to do, but the truth is, I don’t know. I guess I was just desperate. You were one of the few people in my life that I had fond memories of and who made me feel good about myself. Of course, I now realize how stupid and selfish that was, and that you can’t help me. I think the only person on Earth who may stand even a chance at that is me, and I don’t know how.



Believe me, I would never admit any of this to myself unless I sincerely felt it was true. I want nothing more than to just have a normal life - with friends, a girlfriend/wife, and whatever the Hell else normal people have and do. As human beings, we easily become used to things. Therefore, people take everything for granted - luxuries, essentials, even their loved ones. They always claim they won’t, but they do. Have you ever had a storm or accident take out your hydro for a day? It’s not a long time, but that day sure feels like an eternity, doesn’t it? This is because we often need reminders to show us how much we undervalue things - and people. It’s unfortunate, but I don’t think it makes us bad - just human.



I have always told myself that the one positive in all of this would be that when I finally found someone special, I would know to cherish it. I’m sure there would be times when I’d take it for granted, but I’d like to think it wouldn’t be as often as most people. Of course, that’s easy to say - who knows for sure? But no matter how many mistakes I made, one thing I can promise is that the girl would always know she was loved.



I have seen how happy other people make their lovers - the difference it makes in their lives. To bring that kind of joy to someone must be the greatest feeling imaginable. I wish I could have experienced that. But I guess it wasn’t meant to be. It’s not like I have anything to offer a girl anyway, but it still would have been nice … in a different world, perhaps.



I’m not sure I completely understand how I came to this point. I used to think there was a reason for it - a “higher purpose” - and maybe there is, I don’t know. I have always felt different from everyone else (even as a young child) and realized a long time ago that I was not a normal person. I have made an honest effort to use the way I am to help others, and truth be told, I have succeeded on several occasions (similar to the way you said your friend Jason helped you). Some have even credited me with saving their lives, but I think that’s a stretch, lol.



I realize I’ve gone on quite a bit here, but that tends to happen with me sometimes when I get started (Another reason I was reluctant to get into all of this, lol). I’m not sure what you are thinking by now - probably that I’m a basketcase, I imagine. If so, that’s cool - I am a basketcase. *Laughs* But I’m okay with that. I’ve made peace with a lot of things lately.



I would like to ask that you please keep this between us. Nobody in my family has any idea about these things, and while leading a “double life” of sorts is stressful in some ways, it makes everything easier overall.



I’m not sure how good a job I have done here of putting everything into words, but I did my best. I don’t expect you (nor anyone, for that matter) to understand any of this or come up with a solution for me. At best, this was likely pointless, and at worst, a bad idea altogether. But, nonetheless … there you have it, lol.



Thanks, Jen - I appreciate your reading this and willingness to listen.