The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

February 21, 2008 3:22 P:M





Well, it certainly has been quite a while since my last journal entry. The reason for that is because there simply hasn’t been much going on with me *Laughs* Not much at all, actually.



I typed up a synopsis and sample chapter for the Monday Night Wars book and sent it to ECW Press a while back. They liked it, but said it should be more detailed. I spoke with someone I met here on VR and she may helping me with the book - which is good, because I’m not sure I can do it on my own, to be honest.



I changed my VR name and added some new photos and a portfolio, as I bought a digital camera not too long ago. I figured it was about time.



Other than that, pretty much nothing is happening. Work is still going okay, but nothing exciting is really going on.



*Laughs* Wow, my life is fucking boring!

COMMENTS

-

---

peachjuice
02:27 Feb 26 2008

I think my life could beat yours in the boring part. At least you have a job! =) I no longer have a job because my old boss basically said so what after my grandmother died and wanted me to work. So my mom told him he could go do some not so nice things to himself and said I quit. Now no one is hiring and I'm poor. =(

---

ByakkoKurani
10:25 Jul 16 2008

very interesting lol

---

jaliacorbeil
12:53 Feb 09 2009

You want boring? Try living the way I do!! xD

---

POST COMMENT

February 12, 2007 9:44 A:M



Hmm, I really seem to have caused quite a stir with my last journal entry. I've had a bunch of people write and tell me not to take my life and how upset they'd be if I did. Wow, I really didn't think it would be such a big deal when I wrote it. It's nice to know that some people do actually care, but I feel a little upset and guilty for causing so many people to feel bad.



As far as it changing my mind ... well, it hasn't, really. But something else has happened, too, but it's REALLY up in the air ...



I've wanted to live in England for a few years now, and have been considering it lately. I've been talking with my friend Sam here (who lives in England) and she said she could probably get me a job at her workplace, and try to help me find a place and stuff. It sounds good, but like I said, it's certainly far from a done deal ... a lot has to happen to make it possible.



For one, I'd certainly have to leave the job I'm at now. It just doesn't pay enough, and if I do make the move, I'll obviously need to save up money. I've been thinking of going back to my old job as a bellhop/porter at a hotel, but we'll see.



Thing is, where does this leave the amnesia idea? I still want to do it, but it probably wouldn't be a good idea, at least not right away. I'm sure it's something I need ... but maybe I'll have to wait until after the move.



One thing's for sure, I guess trying the England option is better than suicide. I really don't want to die, and with that said, I suppose I should think through as many options as possible. Guess I got a lot of thinking to do over the next little while!

February 1, 2007 2:50 P:M



Things really aren't going well right now. Haven't heard a reply from David Farrant yet, and I don't think I'm going to. *Shrugs* Oh, well. Looks like I've got one card left to play, and that's Voso. After that ... *Sighs* Nothing. Well, nothing good, anyway.



I figure I'll try Voso and if that doesn't work then I'll start making plans for my suicide, which will probably take place about a month afterward. Give it a LITTLE more time - give things one last shot to get better. Maybe try to have a bit of hope that SOMETHING will happen to change things. Probaby not, but hey, at least I'll know I gave everything a fair shot.



You know, I really can't believe how much nobody gives a shit about what's happening to me. All the people I've asked for help ... and here I am, with fuck-all. Well, fuck them! Guess I'm on my own - well, that's fine, because I've suspected and felt that for quite a while now, anyway.



Another thing that's got me really down: I cancelled my baptism. I was supposed to get it done on Sunday (today's Thursday), but I E-mailed the priest yesterday and let her know that I didn't think I was ready. I'm just worried about the things I'd have to say (as I mentioned before) and if I commit suicide after saying that I'd follow God - well, I don't think it'd be good *Laughs*. I'm not sure where I'm gonna end up, anyway, but no need to add any more fuel to that fire, right?



Not much else going on, except that we got robbed at work the other night. Wasn't exactly a dangerous situation, just some stupid kid came in with a small knife and got about 90 bucks. He wouldn't have even gotten that much, except that someone had left about 40 dollars worth of 2 dollar coins in one of the tills. Was more of a pain in the ass than anything, really, having to deal with the cops and stuff. Neither me nor the girl I was working with felt that we were in any danger - it was pretty obvious that this guy had never done anything like that before - he was really nervous and shaky, and was in and out in about 30 seconds. *Laughs* Oh, well - some idiot wants to ruin his life over a pathetic sum of money, not much I can do about it.

COMMENTS

-

---

jaliacorbeil
13:03 Feb 09 2009

I give a shit...Actually, I care a lot about you. I don't even know you, but I do care, maybe because I feel, from reading your journals & your profile, that I can relate to a LOT of what you write about thinking about the shape the world is in, and loneliness, and not belonging...I know it only too well. I hope I didn't creep you out with what I messeged you saying...You got offline quickly, so I am kinda worried & obsessing that I have pushed away yet another person that I want to talk to....As for the getting robbed thing, sounds exciting!

---

POST COMMENT

January 8, 2007 4:58 A:M



I went down to the church the other day to see about being baptised. The priest gave me a book to read that contains more information about it. A few things, though:



I'm concerned about some of the things I'd have to say, as I'm not sure I could live up to them. Basically, it states that I'm saying I'll go to church - not sure about accepting a particular religion, though. Baptism is pretty much an initiation into the Christian religion. I'm not sure if I want to accept a religion, though. I don't have one, and I'm not really looking to follow one.



Also, just some of the things I'd have to say ... I'm not sure I could follow them. One is to renounce Satan. But what does that REALLY mean? I mean, I'm a firm believer in doing things for the greater good. If I have to explore Satanism to get something good done, then that's what I'll do, plain and simple. Not sure if that would interfere with what I'd say during the baptism ...



There are other things, too. Guess I'll have to ask when I go down there. Another thing is that it says in the bible she gave me something about people presenting me (like Godparents). Well, I don't really have anyone to do that. I'm not comfortable asking anyone I know. Another thing that makes me uncomfortable is that the priest also said that this would take place in front of the congregation. I wasn't really looking to make this a public thing, I was hoping it could just be me, the priest, and God.



I have to go down there again and look into things. Hopefully, I can get this done in the end. I'd sure like to, and it's gonna depress me if I can't. But we'll see.



As idiotic as this may sound, I sent an E-mail to the Pope the other night. I was originally gonna ask him about the amnesia thing, if he knew anything, but I just gave him the link to this profile (as most of what goes through my head I put down here) and see what he thinks. I mean, I've heard that he knows when the Apocalypse is going to occur, plus he is the strongest link to God here in Earth, so he is obviously extremely knowledgable. I have no doubt that he can help me somehow - if anything, maybe I should have done this sooner.



Anyway, I know that the chances of him replying may be slim, but I figure that if he is meant to help me, he will. I guess we'll find out.



I've also been thinking about the Goetia Spirits again, Voso in particular, and how he could help me out. I'd rather not go there, and hopefully I won't have to. There's also another route that's gone through my mind, but I don't want to do that, either. We'll see, I suppose.



All I know is I'm sick of living like this, I'm so depressed and I'm fucking sick of it. So hopeless and miserable ...



You know, I just thought of something: I said before that I figured that if I killed myself, I'd just get dealt another shit life, right? But what if this life wasn't meant to be the one where I do what I'm supposed to do? I mean, if what Tiffany told me before is right, I know I've killed myself in at least one other life. Even if I've had numerous lives where I've ended it myself, I'm assuming that was the plan - I mean, God wouldn't let it happen if it wasn't, right?



Maybe what I've done in previous lives has even affected the other ones - kind of like leaving things for myself when I've been reincarnated, even if indirectly.



Hmm, this is something to think about ...



Well, enough of this shit - time to finish watching my Cyber Sunday DVD and get some Kit Kat ice cream, lol!

December 27, 2006 9:53 P:M



Ah, the holiday season. As much as I love the holidays and the feel of the entire season, I'm also kinda glad when they're over. I look around and see everyone else with their loved ones and stuff, and ... well, I kinda wish I had that too, you know? I'm a little ashamed to admit that ... sort of selfish, I suppose, but it can get depressing.



I worked through the holidays, except for yesterday (which I was supposed to then too, but I got called off at the last minute), so it wasn't so bad. Slept for most of Christmas day, so that was good. Kinda kept my mind off things, plus there's the extra money. And we were at my grandparents' yesterday, so it was okay. And when I got home, I watched one of the new DVDs I got for Christmas, plus WWE 24/7 changed some programming and there was a great pay-per-view from 1993 on, Battlebowl - I LOVE Battlebowl! I wish WWE would bring it back. So, things turned out alright.



As depressing as the holidays can be for me, though, I do love them overall. I'm happy for other people, and it's such a great time of year. My sister Trish had a great Christmas - she had so many places to go, *Laughs* - both of Mike's (her boyfriend) parents', her dad's, and then our grandparents' yesterday. Mike's sister is also one of Trish's best friends, so it all works out into a wonderful time for her. I'm really happy about that - I'm so glad she has a great life.



Well, guess I'm off to work (was supposed to be off tonight and tomorrow, but I'm going in tonight instead of last night, as that's when we're getting our weekly big order). Hope you're having (or had) a great holiday - take care.

December 15, 2006 7:31 A:M



Well, some good news to start this entry off: I heard from Sam (the girl I wrote about in my last entry) a few days ago, and we've been keeping in contact. I just E-mailed her at her E-mail address on her profile, and she replied the next day. Shit, if I'd known it'd be that easy I would have done it a long time ago!



Sam is very happy now, and you can't imagine how much of a relief it was to hear that. She's away at college and studying veterinary medicine, although she said she may change that, as it was something she was interested in before her memory was lost.



I asked Sam if she could tell me anything about what she did to get the amnesia, but she can't remember and from what she can tell thus far, didn't leave anything behind to let her know what it was that happened. But she did say that every once in a while she'll come across something that she left behind for herself, so something could come up. To be honest, I'm just glad she's happy and doing well, though.



Hmm, not much else to report, lol. Christmas is in 10 days, and fuck it sucks not having money around the holidays. My job really doesn't pay too well, and money is kinda tight. Sucks, but hey, what can you do?



I actually did have a job interview at an accounting firm yesterday for a cleaning position, but they wanted a someone with a driver's license, which I don't have, and I didn't find that out until I got down there. It was cool, though, 'cause they felt bad and were really kind about it, which I thought was nice. The woman interviewing me said that she'd keep my resume on file for six months in case something comes up. After the six months, she encouraged me to send another resume in case something pops up.

December 10, 2006





I'm very tired right now, but for whatever reason, I can't sleep. So, I figured it's about time for another journal entry, since there are some things I need to get out, anyway.



The new job's going better, but it's still too far away, and I've been looking into other places. So far, nothing's panned out, but there are still a few options left. We'll see.



I got the idea a while ago to try and astral project to attempt to see some things about one or more of my past lives. I really think that might help. Unfortunately, I'm probably ways away from being skilled enough to do it. But I'm still liking the idea.



There's something else, too: There was someone I used to talk with on here named Sam. Around May or so, she stopped visiting VR regularly (probably due to her graduating and not being able to get on when not at school). She was one of the people who knew about what I wanted to do (about the amnesia thing), and actually wanted to do it herself, too.



Anyway, a few months went by without my talking with her. I finally spoke with Sam again in September, and ...well, her memory was gone. Yeah, that's right. I don't know what the hell happened, and quite frankly, neither did she. She said that she could remember bits and pieces of her childhood (such as one of her birthday parties when she was younger), but that was it. She said that the day it happened was just like any other day - all of a sudden, it just happened. Apparently, nobody said anything about her being gone for any length of time, which is one of the things about this situation I find very weird. And to be honest, it kind of has me worried that it could be something medical, too. I mean, come on - people don't lose their memories for no reason.



Whatever's going on, I'm very concerned about this entire thing ... but I'm also feeling very guilty, too.



I didn't start really worrying and thinking about this until a few weeks ago, even though I've known about it since September. What the fuck kind of person am I? Am I so self-centered and wrapped up in my own shit that I can't even take the time to worry about someone else - especially since there's a good chance that I'm partially responsible for what may have happened? I mean, it's like I said, she got the idea from ME - and unless it's something medical as I said before, then yeah, I played a major part in what's happening to her right now. But hell, I haven't even WRITTEN about it until now! What does that tell you about me?



Anyway, I tried messaging one of her friends to find out, but she hasn't been on in a while. I've thought about making a forum posting, but I dont' really want to make a public issue out of this. I just really hope I hear something soon.

November 12, 2006 - 4:07 P:M





Well, it's been a while since I wrote here last, and quite a bit has happened, so I thought it was time for an entry.



I started a new job a little while ago at a convenience store. It's going okay, but I'm not sure how long I'll be there. It's just too far away, plus I'm trying to learn so much, as I'm starting pretty much from scratch - I had no experience working a cash register, lottery machine, or much of anything else. Plus, they sell hot and cold food there, so there's so much to learn about that as well. I'm picking it up, but I think I need to maybe find something where there isn't so much going on, so I can get more practiced on certain areas (like cash and stuff). I dropped a resume off at another convenience store just up the road from here earlier today. It's a smaller place, so maybe it'll be a bit better for my situation. So, we'll see what happens there.



On a personal front ... fuck, I don't know. I'm still searching for an amnesia solution, but I'm starting to lose hope. To be honest, suicide has crept into my mind a lot more than I'd like in the last little while. I've been thinking, though ...



Would suicide really end things and give me peace? My friend Tiffany here on VR told me once that she had a vision of me in a past life after I'd hung myself. This seems to support a theory I've had for a while:



Everything seems to be about the soul. If you've read my "Love, Hate, and Evil" article, you know that I believe both love and evil are in the soul, and when it's there it doesn't go away. Well, it seems that the same holds true for important aspects of your life - such as the road you take through your life and things like that.



I've been thinking - maybe the reason for reincarnation is due to the fact that the person reincarnated did not accomplish what they were supposed to in their previous life (lives). I mean, my theory on the meaning of life is to determine your eternity (where you will go, who will be there, etc.), but perhaps you must fulfill certain things before that happens. If that's the case, what's the point of suicide? I'll just get dealt another shit life, right?



You know what really sucks? If I'm right about this whole soul thing, that would mean I've NEVER felt love - ever. I mean, if I've never felt it in this life, that would lead me to believe I never have. That's pathetic in a way, really.



I guess there's always the chance that I already have fulfilled what I'm supposed to here - learning what I've learned and letting people know (like the articles I've written). But then again, maybe not. I'm not sure I want to take the chance.



Besides, maybe my previous life (or lives) have all ended with me killing myself, and now that I know what Tiffany told me, this may be my chance to break the cycle.



The thing is - and I've said this before - I can't see myself ever being happy without the amnesia thing. That leads me to believe that IS the answer. I just have to find a fucking way to get it done.



To be honest, I really don't know. I'm kind of confused, really.



Anyway, on a bit of a lighter note, I looked more into that idea for a T.V. show on our local television channel. Unfortunately, they're gonna be running the current schedule until June, so I can't really do anything until then. That sucks - hell, I don't even know if I'll be alive in June! *Laughs*



So, yeah, some confusing shit happening right now for sure. *Sighs* Oh, well. As always, I guess we'll see what happens.

September 30, 2006 4:21 A:M





I don't know what the hell's wrong with me, but I can't seem to sleep in the last few days. And now here it is almost 4:30 in the morning, and I'm wide awake. Which normally isn't unusual for me, no (being nocturnal and all), but considering I've barely had a few hours sleep in the last couple of days, it's kinda strange.



Fuck, I hope I'm not getting insomnia or something. That's all I need. But no, it's a little too early to be thinking that. Could just be stress, I suppose.



Hmm, wish I had something exciting to write about seeing as I'm sitting here and probably not going to sleep anytime soon. Well, I had a job interview today at that clothing store. It went well, but it's one of those jobs that has more than one interview. So, we'll see what happens there. Plus, I just found an all-night convenience store that is looking for help, so I'm gonna apply there tomorrow. Being able to stay on midnights would be nice.



*Sighs* Other than that, not much going on. Guess I'll go try to sleep again.

Sept. 27, 2006 2:13 P:M





Hmm, haven't written in here in quite a while, and I'm bored, so I figured now was a good time.



I'm sitting here watching an old ECW show on WWE 24/7. Taz vs. 2 Cold Scorpio is on. A lot duller than I thought it'd be with those two in the ring. Oh, well, *Laughs*. Maybe it'll pick up.



I never did go to Ohio. It doesn't look like I will, either. It appears that Egypt Valley is on a Nexus (I believe that means the energy there is warped and negative), and it's not a good idea. So, we'll see what happens there. I'm still looking for a way to get the amnesia thing done, but I'm not sure what to do now. *Sighs*



I'm looking into starting a show on our local cable channel dealing with alternative/gothic topics such as the paranormal/supernatural, the apocolypse, suicide, good and evil, etc. I submitted the idea the other day, but haven't heard anything yet. Hopefully, I will soon.



*Laughs* Finding another job has taken longer than I thought, I admit. It looked like I had one at a hotel, but now I think I'm gonna a job at a clothing store in our outlet mall. I'm sick of the hotel business, and would like to get out of it. Neither job is midnights (which is what I want), but I can keep looking. Hopefully, I can get back on nights soon.



Well, there you have it. *Laughs* Guess I haven't really done much with my time off, but oh, well. It was relaxing, if nothing else. But I'm hoping that a lot of things in my life can get on track soon.

August 13, 2006 8:49 A:M





Hmm, it looks like the whole Egypt Valley thing might be out. I found out that others may be at risk of being harmed if I were to go through with it. And I can't really do it completely alone, because I've been told that I've done this before in a past life. Apparently, I didn't accept help and things went wrong. No point in continuing that cycle.



So, as far as I'm concerned, if there's any chance at all of anyone being hurt because of this, then I'm just not going to do it. Not the Egypt Valley way, anyhow.



I have decided to send out a bunch of E-mails to government officials looking for a surgical way to go about this (I'm gonna send out a couple regular-mail letters also). It's a long shot, obviously, but I guess it's looking better than the other option. So, we'll see what happens.



*Laughs* Also, I quit my job the other day. They stared giving me a hard time about my teardrop tattoo after two years of saying fuck-all about it. They said either cover it, or I couldn't work there. So ... um, yeah, *Laughs*. I know it might seem stupid to some people, but this tattoo has meaning to me. Plus, there was the principle: Come on, two years of not saying anything and then they're gonna turn around and start being idiots about it now? To be honest, I was hating it there anyway, which probably contributed to it more than anything.



So, I'm enjoying a little vacation for now. Gotta try and figure out for sure what's going on as far as Ohio and stuff. Plus, I have to start typing the notes and stuff about my life to leave behind for myself in preparation for the amensia thing, in addition to all the E-mails I have to send out. I figure even though I don't know what exactly is going on, I'd better get that done, seeing as I have the time right now.

July 27, 2006 10:20 P:M



Something kinda weird has happened. Apparently, a girl I talk with on here, Amanda had an accident and is now suffering from amnesia.



Hmm ... I found that disturbingly strange. I found it weird that someone close to me is afflicted with the thing I'm looking for. It bothered me especially because of all the strange things that take place in Egypt Valley. As insane as it may sound, I was starting to think that maybe someone or something was trying to send me a message (possibly a warning or even someone/something laughing at me) through Amanda. Who/what and what that message is I don't know, but ...



Oh, come on, don't you think that's a LITTLE strange at least? I'm looking for amnesia, and the girl who's like my online little sis just HAPPENS to have an accident and wakes up with it?



I thought at first that Amanda may be just pretending to have amnesia to teach me a lesson or something (she has been dead-set against my idea). But, she promised me she wasn't, and I believe her.



I asked her what she had been told about what had happened to her. She said her father found her the other day on their living room floor by the fireplace in a pool of blood. Needless to say, this didn't do wonders to ease my worries.



I have given it some thought, though, and maybe I have overreacted a little.



I've spoken to a few people about this, and everyone - including Amanda - seems to think it's just a coincidence and I need to relax a little. Amanda even said that her parents told her she has hit her head a few times this year in the same place she had the accident. So, maybe this time, it just was a case of the numbers catching up with her.



I guess that makes sense. Maybe I did overreact a bit. It really goes to show, though, just where my state of mind is at these days - scared and paranoid. I guess I'm just worked up about the trip to Ohio and everything. Nothing's really happened to cause any alarm or anything, so I guess I'll just chill about it until something does.



So, yeah, maybe I jumped the gun a bit, but put yourself in my shoes - what if this was connected to me? Do you have any idea how terrible I'd feel? I had to at least look into it, it was too important not to.



As far as Amanda goes, her memory hasn't come back yet. The doctors have said it may or may not. She told me that it may not because of the damage to her head (she suffered a cracked skull). But she told me it is healing, and of course, that is the important thing - that she will be okay physically. She's kind of down about not being able to remember her life but that's understandable, of course. I'm sure it's very confusing. I really hope her memories will return soon.



Well, I'd better get going to work. Ugh - I can't wait until August 26, when my month off starts - well, in a way, anyway! *Laughs*

July 22, 2006 1:00 P:M or so



Hmm, some interesting developments have occurred in the last few days since my last entry.



I talked with my friend here Tiffany about my plans to go to Ohio to Egypt Valley, and she suggested coming the first week of September, as her boyfriend may be coming down around that time. I told work I needed the time off then, so now I'm getting my leave of absence on August 26. I really wanted to get away from that place sooner, but oh, well. *Laughs* Then again, there's a good chance my trip isn't going to be anything to look forward to, so what am I bitching about, really? I guess I'm just anxious.



Something hilarious - well, I think it's hilarious - and ... well, stupid, happened the other day. You know how I was exploring another option for my amnesia idea, about contacting a shadowmancer? Well, I visited the home page of the site I got most of my info from, and guess what? It's a fucking fantasy game! It's all fiction! You know, I found that out and just had to laugh. I know maybe I should be more upset, but I just found it funny. Besides, I'm glad that a laugh was thrown into this fucked-up situation. I'm also happy in a way, 'cause now I only have one option to think about. It makes things easier in a way.



So, yeah, some interesting changes. But things have been simplified a bit, I guess, and that's good in a way. So now, I guess the countdown to Ohio is on!

July 17, 2006 10:52 A:M



Well, quite a bit has happened since my last entry here. My family (whom I was living with) moved, and my own apartment wasn't going to be ready until July 1, so I had to move in with them for a month, and then move again. It sucked, but we did it.



So now, I'm sitting here in my own apartment with my own computer. Yup, I bought my own. I figure a computer is more of a necessity than a luxury nowadays, so it was time to take the plunge, *Laughs*. Besides, I need it - more on that in a minute.



It sure is great living on my own again. Nothing against my family, but I like to be by myself and these days I need time to think. I love being able to watch wrestling as much as I want again (well, I could have before, too, but it was harder), and I just love the peace and quiet (speaking of wrestling, I ordered the WWE on demand channel, WWE 24/7, and am loving it! I highly recommend it to any wrestling fan).



As I said, a lot has happened since my last personal entry. I spoke before of perhaps not doing the amnesia thing, and getting therapy instead and trying to become a teen therapist. Well, I've scrapped that idea - not about possibly becoming a teen therapist, but about not going the amnesia route. I truly do feel it's the best thing. There's a very good chance I'm too far gone for therapy (I'm not sure if I could afford it, anyway), and I just feel this is the right way to go. I have even thought of two routes to go.



The first is to go to a place in Ohio called Egypt Valley. There is said to be 3 legendary witches buried there in Salem Cemetary. I thought if I could try and summon them, they may be able to help me. I'm not stupid, of course. I know they may actually harm me, not help. Actually, Egypt Valley itself is said to be very dangerous. It's possible I may be risking my life by just going down there at all. But, as insane as this may sound, that actually appeals to me in a way. It just seems right. Think about it: One way or another, all the shit would be done and over with. Either I come back with what I went for, or I don't come back. It's cut and dry, and as I said, it feels right.



I'm not going to sit here and pretend not to be scared. Are you kidding? There are plenty of things about this whole situation I'm terrified of: What kind of person I'll come back as is one. And yes, dying trying to make this happen is another. But the thing I'm afraid of even more than dying is going down there and having nothing happen. To me, that is the worst thing that could happen, because, while I don't want to die, living like this until fuck-knows-when scares me even more. But there is another option I'm exploring also.



There are magic practioners known as "shadowmancers". These people are said to have the ability to bend light, cloaking themselves in shadow, among other abilities. Obviously this is not what I am interested in (although it may come in handy some day, *Laughs*). But if shadowmancers do indeed possess these kinds of talents, they are clearly very powerful and may be able to perform a spell, ritual, etc. to induce amnesia. But we'll have to see. I do like this idea, though, I must say. It seems safer than my other one, and if I can get this done without risking my life, why not do it?



I have a lot of research to do on both of these options. I'm hoping to get at least most of it finished by a week from this Saturday (today is Monday). I have booked a month-long leave of absence from work starting after that (I was just going to quit altogether, seeing as they've been pissing me off lately, and considering I need the time off anyway. But they offered to give me the time off and hold my job for me, so I took it. Now that I think of it, though, I really should have just given my notice and left, considering the extreme unpredictability of this whole situation - let's face it, I have no idea what's going to happen here! *Laughs* But, oh, well - I'll deal with that when the time comes), figuring if I do get the amnesia thing done, a month should be a long enough time to start to settle back into my life and get a somewhat decent grasp on things. I'm hoping to have come to a decision and to be able to start making any travel plans that may be necessary. But we'll see.



So, as you can see, there's quite a bit of work for me to do. But at least I seem to be on my way.

April 18, 2006 6:24 A:M



Well, didn't get around to finishing yesterday. Oh, well. I was on VR for like 2 or 3 hours straight talking to like 4 or 5 different people. Started talking to 1 or 2 and it just grew! *Laughs* Funny how it starts and just goes from there! I really do love this site, though. Everyone is really cool and seems to get a long for the most part.

Hey, I gotta check and see how that helped my level, too. I'm at 10 now, which I guess means I officially deserve to be in the house I'm in (Nocturnal Retribution). Maybe I'll message Nicnivian and tell her (although she'll probably think it's sad I'm so happy about it! But, it makes me feel better that I'm at the proper level).

Hmmm.... okay, back to my life ... or existence ... or ... oh fuck, never mind. Anyway, the way I see it, there's only one way out of this.



I've studied the occult for a while now, and have been looking lately for a spell, conjuration or anything that will erase my memory - not completely, I mean magickally induce amnesia. Amnesia - that's all I want. I mean, if I say erase my memory, my ENTIRE memory could be erased. I still want to know how to walk, talk, and everything else. Just forget who I am - lose all the torment and pain.



There's no doubt in my mind anymore that this is not only the right thing to do, but my ONLY option. And here's why:



A) It's the only way I'll ever be of any use to the world. I've always felt I was here for something - to do something to help the terrible shape this world is in - but I just can't do it like this, plain and simple. I can barely concentrate on one thing at a time, there is so much racing around in my head. I'm no good like this. I can leave things behind for myself, stuff I think I would need and should know should I be able to have my memory cleared (notes, etc.). I think I've already learned all I need due to the way I am, I just gotta lose the demons (figuratively speaking, of course ... well, I think!).



B) The only way I'll ever be able to live happily and enjoy the wonderful things in life is if I help the world and lose all the shit in my head. Simply put, I do not believe I can love, and honestly, what kind of life am I going to have like that? No close friends, no girlfriend/wife, no kids ... nothing. Nothing and nobody. Just a body and mind filled with pain, fear, and hopelessness that will be dead very, very soon.

I've spoken to a few people for help with this who have discouraged me from this idea. They likely see it as running away from my problems. Fuck, if I wanted to run from my problems, there are lots of ways I could have done that already! I could have thought of this sooner or just killed myself years ago. I'm not running from my life - I'm trying to SAVE it!

It's not their fault, though, and I can't stay mad at them for long. They just don't understand. They can't possibly, and I wouldn't want them to be able to - I wouldn't wish this on anyone. They probably think my problems could be taken care of through "normal" means - therapy, etc. But this just isn't a normal situation.

Could therapy help me? I suppose, to an extent. If I were to see a doctor, I'm sure he'd diagnose me with oh, about 23,000 mental illnesses, I won't deny that. But just because there may be medical definitions for many of the things I'm going through doesn't mean that's the answer to everything.

You see, the only way I'll ever be able to truly recover from what I'm feeling is if I were to help change the world for the better. The thing you have to realize is that I'm not like most people - the condition of this world doesn't just bother me, it TORMENTS me. Because of the way I've lived for years and years, the only way I'd ever be able to have a decent life and move on is if I were to help change things. That's the corner I've boxed myself into, and there's only one way out, as far as I can see.



The point is, my life is NEVER going to get better if I don't find a way to make this happen. Even those who have been though worse than I have, most (I said MOST, not all) of their lives have the potential to get better (not that I'm saying their lives have been easier than mine, that is not true at all). You know why? Because they can love. They either have someone or some people special to them or will in the future. I don't have that hope. Who's going to want someone that can't love them? And I'm not just talking about romantic love - how will I ever manage to be close to ANYONE?

You know, my sister Trish is the most important person in my life. She's a really good kid (well, 16), and one of the only things that keeps my spirits up. But you know what? I've never been able to be a "complete" brother to her. I care very deeply for her, but like with everyone else, I can't LOVE her. I can't be the brother that she deserves - Do you have any fucking idea how that makes me feel? So, yeah, my idea might not be the "ideal" solution that some would like, but I wish they'd try and put themselves in my shoes a bit more before they go judging. I'm doing the best I can with what I have.



The point is, I know what needs to be done. I have to find a way to make this happen. If I don't ... well, honestly, how long can I live like this?



To be brutally honest, if there is no way to make this happen ... Well, I sat here for a minute trying to figure out a "nice" way of saying it, but there isn't one. If there's no way to do this, it's over. There's no point in staying here. If I don't do it myself, I'll just end up dead some other way before long, and the road to it will be paved with misery, terror, and hopelessness. If I do it myself, at least it will be quick and as painless as can be.

I've checked into this a bit. I posted a couple threads and a poll here asking people here whether or not they believe you go to Hell if you commit suicide. Obviously, I don't want to burn in Hell, so I thought I'd get a few opinions. Last I checked on the poll, the strong majority felt that you didn't. I don't think so, either. I've heard that if you ask God for forgiveness for your sins, it is granted. I believe that.

I've heard it said the reason ghosts stick around is because there's something keeping them here. I believe that - it makes sense, after all. And if I were to die without helping change things in the world, that would certainly give me motivation to stay here, I'd think. I mean, is that what I'm supposed to do? Die, and come back as a ghost? Is that how I'll help? For fuck sakes, I just want to know what I'm supposed to do!

Obviously, this is far from a done deal and will be my absolute last resort. *Laughs* Do you really think I want to die? Well, okay, maybe part of me does, but the majority of me doesn't.



To be honest, I'm not really giving this a whole lot of thought. I still have a few cards left to play, so I'm not worrying about it right now. I'm trying to stay optimistic.



So now, the question is how I'm going to make this happen. Well, I've asked many people about it, but most do not know of any spell or conjuration to induce amnesia. I've E-mailed an occult author about it, but he hasn't gotten back to me. I'm hoping he does soon. I've been thinking of looking into curses, too.

But my best bet seems to be with Voso, one of the 72 Goetic Spirits. Supposedly, one of his talents is to be able to transform someone into any form. So, maybe I'll have to be careful on how I word this, but he could be able to help. Right now, that's looking like my best option. But even if it is, I want to get more information.

If worst comes to absolute worst, I guess I could seek a medical way to go about this. But, to be honest, I really wouldn't trust anything government-related to do something to me. I'm not too high on that idea, really. But we'll see.



Whew! Boy, it sure feels better to get some of that out. I think it will be nice to have somewhere to put my thoughts. I guess that's it for now - shit, I've been writing this for a couple of hours! *Laughs* Oh, well. It's been good for me, I think. Well, better get on with the day. Maybe I'll go to the mall or Blockbuster and get a movie or something to try and unwind. Hmm... yeah, I think that's a good idea!

Monday, April 17, 2006 7:00 A:M (or so)



Well, I've decided to start putting some personal thoughts here - which should stay pretty personal, seeing as not too many people seem to read journals. Besides, my life has basically been an open book on VR, so if anyone does read any of this stuff, it's not like I mind (if I did, I wouldn't be putting it here to begin with, obviously).



It will be nice to have somewhere to put my thoughts. And I need it, especially lately, so I'm hoping it will help me to sort things out.



The last few days have been fucking awful. Nothing particularly out of the ordinary happened, but I was just in so much emotional agony the other day. I'm always aware that there's a good chance I'll never have a happy - or what some would call "normal" - life, and sometimes something goes off in me and I'm just miserable.



This time was a little different, though - I was lying in bed, just writhing in literal physical pain ... clutching my stomach and chest, but knowing that's not really where the pain was ... I honestly thought it could be my soul ... was it trying to tell me something? Was it trying to leave me? Sounds crazy, I know, but that's what I really thought it could be.



I was so scared I jumped out of bed and E-mailed a Bishop in England who I've corresponded with for a few months now, asking him if that's what it could be. He hasn't written back yet - I'm not sure if he is busy and hasn't checked that E-mail address yet (as it is Easter Weekend), thinks I'm a nutcase, or just doesn't give a shit. To be honest, I don't really care which it is. One way or the other, I'll deal with this. And I'm starting to realize that might have to be on my own.



I started having suicidal thoughts that day ... it freaked me out, 'cause that's never happened. But, I've thought about it, and maybe it didn't come so much out of nowhere. I must have always known in the back of my mind that things would be easier if I just ... well, you know. But I guess what kept me here was the belief that I was the way I am for a reason. I still think that, but somehow things are different now.



I'm so glad I was off last night and tonight. I floated through work more or less the first night after all of this happened, and was a little better the others, but I need a fucking break, some time to just relax and think. I am a bit better than I was - I ate a decent meal for the first time in days last night (after eating hardly anything), so that's a good sign.



You know, so much has happened in the last month and a half. On March 1, I had what I though was a revelation - that I was part of this world and can live happily in it one day - and now I'm so miserable, almost the exact opposite. How did this happen?



Well, there's a lot more I want to write, but I'm gonna go change and take a shower and stuff (maybe watch one of the movies I bought yesterday), so I guess I'll save the rest for later.