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I just woke up from a nightmare after about 5 hours or so of sleep. There were a succession of holidays in it. One had a party that I was unaware that was happening that had an overwhelming crowd.

I'm doing the sober thing right now, but in my dream a bottle of Jack Daniel's that magically appeared in my hand and I drank it like water. The next thing I knew my fiancee was wrapping presents for St. Patrick's Day.

Recovery is painful enough without dreams where I'm using. I wake up discombobulated at best. This is all kicking off the last day I get to see my beloved alcohol and drug counselor. At least we'll have a tiny bit to talk about regarding the dream.

I'm nervous about everything regarding my mental health and recovery being up in the air. I was just starting to get to a point where I was ready for answers in my life and now she's leaving. She may or may not know them, but there seems to be one person in the building that does.

My case manager worked with a non-profit that serviced homeless individuals for 15 years. She has a lot of experience. Does she have any answers to the nature of my perpetual suffering though? I'm completely alone in the world bar my fiancee and family, and I have issues with my family from this "psychotic" thinking manifesting in the first place. Patience isn't one of my virtues but I'm not left with many options.

My counselor is retired but came back on a temporary basis. Her contract wasn't renewed and my last visit with her will be this upcoming Monday. I can't emphasize enough how much she's helped me from philosophy to mental health concerns, and of course getting sober.

I wrote her a poem as a gift. I turned on Pandora.com and tuned in to my classical station which is how I typically write poetry. It was Tchaikovsky and nearly put a tear in my eye. I felt okay while writing the poem.

15-30 minutes later it sank in that this is our last session (unless she comes back as a temp again). She's helped me tremendously and I don't know how to come to terms with losing someone who has touched my life so deeply.

I understand that people need to live their lives. It's just that losing them is hard. She never gave up on me despite the odds and for that I'm eternally grateful. I'll miss her and this last session will be a tear-jerker.

It's about 3:00 AM my time as I'm starting this. Fortunately, I have an appointment with my counselor tomorrow. She's a very open minded woman who has helped me in countless ways. I've worked with her for a couple years and finally kicked the booze. I've been sober for over six months now.

Her specialty though is anonymity. She's a very mysterious woman. She has to be, dealing with my mental health issues as well, that pop up so frequently.

Sometimes I'm insanely depressed, while other times I'm at my wit's end searching for answers that I can't expect to ever find (although desperately need). Most of the time it seems as if we're killing time and she's gauging my mood but I'm going in there with an agenda tomorrow (I'll be making a list shortly after this entry). She reiterates that I keep taking it slowly, but I'm insistent on pushing myself to near insanity.

She is very intelligent, well read, and seems to have a clever anecdote for every thing that pops into our conversation. Honestly, I'm not sure what to chalk her experience up to. Sometimes I wonder if it's from having similar experiences to what I'm going through, or experience in dealing with people suffering from mental illnesses and addictions.

I usually see her weekly but she took a vacation two weeks ago and Monday fell on the Fourth of July. Needless to say I'm excited to hear her kind words and comforting thoughts since my own thoughts seem to be overwhelming at this point in time.

My overall mental health has greatly improved as of last night. I still have questions though as to why my life went so... differently than I had anticipated.

I stated in my profile that I had my first "psychotic break" at 21 but there were a couple iffy years leading up to that. I was clinging to "normal"cy but everyone in my life at the time had other plans for me.

Co-workers asked series of questions gauging my responses, talking about being "high up there", and "seeing the signs".

Meanwhile, my family taunted me with porcelain animals. I can only guess that they each represent a faction, mindset, or set of characteristics that set people apart. There were 5 in total. Bear, Dog, Cat, Seal, Elephant.

Needless to say, an ex-best friend of mine, suggested I check out a book at the local community college library. Doing so, haunts me to this day. There were seemingly 5 options to sign up with/for and things underlined. All of this was done in red ink. It must have been convenient for those who ruined my life to blow it off as "those were just notes being taken." I could have chosen an option, but it just seemed like a give/take scenario that I wanted nothing to do with at the time.

I wound up quitting the job so the co-workers faded away. The book was burned for some unknown reason when I could have simply returned it and not had to pay the 13 bucks to replace it. Finally, the 5 animals turned into a "delusion" by my family as they ostracized me and slapped me into a psychiatric wardS.

I've been on my own now for ten years in the mental health system. I've made absolutely zero progress in figuring these haunting memories out. What I do want are answers and there very well may not be any if it is indeed just "schizophrenia". Fortunately, I'm too intuitive to give up that easily and I will have my revenge whether it's surpassing them in the hierarchy or by other means...

Revenge is a funny thing. It shouldn't be used as a motivator, but it does seem to work awfully well. You could say I have a lot of drive and nothing to lose.

I was offered to be in a mentorship when I logged on to check my messages. I have to admit I'm not overly fond of the site, at first glance. I was on the site about 6-7 years ago but my account was lost in the shuffle. It was probably due to inactivity.

I'm not overly eager to sit here point whoring, however I would like to make some acquaintances. Perhaps I take everything too seriously and need to lighten up, but I don't find spamming people's profiles a fun thing.

I guess I'll just take my time and try easing into the site. I can be a bit stubborn from my isolation. An example is instantaneously saying "No thanks" to the mentorship, even though it could be just what I'm looking for.