The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

[**NOTE: Please do leave a comment and let me know what you think I should do. I have been shrouded in utter confusion for a week now. Anything to help me out with this letter would be fanominal! Thank you! Sophie**]







What more can I ask for,

But for you to stomp on my heart?

How can you make promises and promises

And then break them?

Really?? Are you truly a man that has a heart like you said you were?

I cannot see that now.

You say you want to hang out and then you don’t

Really?

What kind of man are you?

Not a true man so it seems.

You left me over some home wreaking slut,

Who was so desperate for some one to listen, that you left me?

Who seems desperate now?

Not this girl sitting here waiting for some sort of sign that you do still care.

Not this girl who cries her self to sleep every night in a big, cold and lonely bed that we once shared.

You must love seeing me hurt.

Knowing that I am more confused than any other being in this world,

Telling people one thing and then dangling me on a string.

Honey, that string is mighty short.

And you are cutting it close.

I am not going to sit around and wait for acknowledgement that I exist to you.

You..

You are something else.

Said my horrible dream wouldn’t come true

Because you were ready to spend you life with me,

And like a child,

You ditch me 5 days before you were going to marry me,

With excuse after excuse,

List after list.

Tell me the fucking truth.

Be brutally hones with me.

You either want me to be with you or you do not.

What is it going to be playboy?

So you say you need to find yourself.

Well news flash,

You should have done that before you proposed to me!

You should have gotten all of that out of your system.

You said I do not trust you.

I didn’t before but now I don’t know if I should believe you.

Where do I fit in with your chick friends?

I don’t like being ignored.

It took me a long while to get this all down..

All my confusion and anger.

You don’t trust me?

That makes no sense.

If I cannot do something that’s out of my hands,

Get the fuck over it.

Get a bucket and fuck it.

You say you were going to come over and hang out with me.

And then you bail out, with no call not even a text.

That is straight up shady as all hell.

If you couldn’t tell I am royally pissed.

At least I call when I say I will.

I am, where I am when I say I am.

And I never ever said you had to stop speaking to anyone

Why?

I trust your judgment.

But now I hear you are chasing after other females.

How is that for a stomp on the heart.

You tell me you want to work on our trust issues,

Well please tell me when you have tried?

I am still waiting.

You are not there mental or physically.

I am supposed to be your friend,

But I seem to be the only friend you ignore.

That hurts.



Have I wasted a year on nothing?

Should I have said no to you when you told me that you wanted to marry me asap?

Should I have believed you when you said you loved me?

What should I believe…?

You have me so confused right now,

I feel like I have hit a brick wall.

My brain crashed into a bloody pulp as you watch my car fly into the median

And left me lifeless.

With out a heart beat to survive.

I have no idea what is going through your head,

Because you will not tell me.

You will not talk to me.



You said you would be my friend through thick and thin.

Where is that now?

Where is that friend ship when I just need a hug because I have had a shitty day.

Where is that friendship you speak of when I need to talk about anything?

Where is the love and caring you spoke of last week?

Please tell me.

I may have some intuitions,

But you are the hardest person to read.



What is the excuse this time?

What did I do wrong this time?

Where did I go wrong?

Why is it that after you started talking to weird people that I did not care about, that you left me?

Why didn’t you just try to talk about it instead of avoid me for days?

I can only see one reason,

But I completely believe you when you said you would not fuck around on me.



This is my heart in a billion pieces.

Probably never to be put back together again.

I have come to know what it is like to be humpty dumpty.

Can I trust you again?

I had complete and utter faith in you until Tuesday

I had no fathom that anything was wrong.

You wouldn’t even talk to me,

And now you are talking shit behind my back.

That is low.

There is only two real reasons I can see here,

And none of which depict anything you have said to me.

A. You dumped me for some skank because you got cold feet.

B. You are still a playboy and are dangling me on a string to have waiting for you.



If you want me,

If you truly love me,

Now is you time to shine.

Prove it.

Ask me to play a game.

Ask me to the park,

And keep your fucking word that you will spend time with me.

I am fed up.

I am sick.

I am TIRED.

I want you,

The one I promised to spend my life with,

Not this cold heartless being you have been showing me.

I want the hugs, the cuddles, the love, the kisses.

I want the old Hollywood back.



Where did he disappear to?

Where did he go?

Or was that just a front?



Or am I some sort of pawn in your game now?



I hate crying myself to sleep,

And rolling over and not seeing you there,

Or waking up that extra minute early so I can see you before you wake up

And see you off to work.

Just to see you are not there.



I want to see you dancing in the shower again.

See you dancing around in the living room to your music, and singing to every song you know.

I want to see you next to me in the room reading your book.

I want to watch t.v. with you.



I miss all of those things,

Yet you stripped those from me without warning.

Leading me to believe that everything was fine.

Lie…

I don’t know how to say anything to you,

Unless I write it all down.



My life with out you has seemed an empty shell.

But now I am tired of trying to get a hold of you to hang out.

Why?

Every one says you do not care what so ever for me, that you hate me even.

And you say you want to try to work on the trust while we are on a break.

But be honest?

Is this break because you got cold feet?

Or because you want to put a few more notches on your belt before you are tied down?

I want the truth,

I do not think you comprehend anything that you are putting me through.



I have been blamed for everything you have done,

And then to only hear that you are doing the same behind my back.

Low blow.

What do I believe,

What should I believe?

Who is being real with me?

I cannot take this anymore.



I do not think you realize how much you mean to me,

And how much your little quirks mean to me.

You have gone above and beyond asshole.

You can hold a conversation with your other exes,

Yet you will not talk to me,

Return calls or text messages?



Please tell me.



I have poured out my soul here.

I am showing my softest side,

My most sensitive side.

And I hope you know,

I could never ever lie to you more than me not knowing how to express myself by saying nothing.

Why?

Because at that point in time I don’t know how to say what I feel.

And the laundry?

Really? I do not like washing other peoples clothes,

I do not know how they want it washed, and if it is screwed up,

I will not be the one to blame.

If I cannot get a ride some where?

BIG DEAL! No one can take me.

How can I be held responsible for that!?

You made up some really lame excuses.

Nothing that could have been talked about when you got home.

But you supposedly hate my guts.

But I know I cannot believe that.



I want you.

I need you.

I miss you.

I love you.

I cannot not have you in my life.



You are the first person I have felt so strongly for ever.

The first person I am willing to fight for tooth and nail.

But you don’t see that do you?



I didn’t think so.

You keep that attitude up so as to not let any one see how you really feel.

I know different,

And I believe I know different,

Why?

Because I know you.

I heard your sniffles on the phone.

I know different than what you have said to a select few.

You are the one putting up the barrier as to not let anyone in.

To let no one see how you are really feeling.

Your are in that 3rd stage of grief:

Anger and bargaining.

I hear it from those select few.

You better watch who you talk to,

It seems to get back to me,

And I don’t have to ask.

It is just told to me.

I HATE IT!



I want things between us to work.

But I want to see you attempt to do something.

I am trying,

But you won’t come around so that I can prove it to you.

How are we supposed to work on trust issues if you will not come around?

It is a two lane high way,

And so far I seem to be the only one driving down it.

Where are you?



You are parked at the brothel,

Staring at girls,

Downing drinks.

Denying any problems we had by getting loud and obnoxious to any one who will listen.

What happened to the Hollywood I knew?

The man that proposed to me with a ring pop?

The man that sprayed my teddy bear with his cologne as for me to not miss him?

The man that held me close when I just wanted to cry because I felt like it?

The man that couldn’t sleep with out me?

The man who wanted to spend every waking moment he had available with me?

Where is he?

I haven’t seen him.

I wish I could.

A wish is a wish.

I am showing you my heart.

I am spreading my self thin, knowing you will crush me again.

But I am willing to take that risk.

COMMENTS

-

---

TrailorBoy
18:58 Aug 25 2009

WOW...Glutton for punishment?

---

POST COMMENT

I am on the floor

Clothes torn to shreds,

Make up smeared down my cheeks,

A bloody lip,

A black eye.

And you point and laugh…

Not caring that you just killed my spirit,

And took my dignity.

All the while I am screaming and crying .

You beat me to a pulp,

And you do not even seem to care.

You said you loved me,

You said you cared.

But it got me nowhere.

It got me nothing but a broken heart.

This betrayal,

These lies,

They are killing me slowly,

Painfully

Ripping me apart.

Piece by piece.

Inch by inch.

Wishing that the truth will save me from the darkness of death.

Now wanting that driving fire,

The one that made me feel so alive,

Giving that person that I gave my heart to,

A promise of eternity

Wishing I set that love aside

Instead of giving him that chance.

A chance.

Yet another one,

And it is one that is breaking my heart,

My soul,

My being,

To pieces.

Ripping me to shreds.

I do not know if I can recover from this again.

A pain.

A hunger.

One I cannot understand.

This yearning for simpler times,

For a simpler me.

Wanting what I cannot have.

But a yearning for what I need.

The one who completes me.

The one who makes me whole.

That being that makes my heart sore.

For now I feel sadness,

Burdened by so much,

But with out the part of me that wants to care.

I have left it behind.

I cannot seem to grasp onto my soul…

My shadow has left me.

It engulfs my being,

Turning my body into a thirsty shell.

Surreal…

The life I once had.

That’s what it feels like.

Like I have been there,

But only in a dream,

That dream where everything seems perfect.



Awkward…

Is how I feel now.

Like I don’t belong.

With coming back to my surreal reality,

After living unconfined,

Happy.

It makes me look back and what my reality where

I was happy, and

Unconfined.

Where I did not feel like I was on house arrest.

Wanting my life to be simple again.

Like it was only a couple of days ago.

Needing it.



This once surreal reality confined me for far too long.



Is it selfish for me to want my life to be the way it was on Monday?



I envy that me.

The one that did not have a care in the world.

The uncensored me.

The unconfined me.

Not the prisoner you see now.

I just need you,

And I want you.

I have to have you.

You are my drug,

My addiction.



The smell of you lures me,

Closer to the unknown,

Away from what I already knew.

Away from my known world

My already beaten path,

You showed me a life that could be different,

A life with you in it.

Feeding my every desire,

Like my own special brand of heroine.

Like an adrenaline rush as you jump off a cliff,

Into blue unknown below you.



But the question I ask of me is,

Should I take that plunge?

I have gotten a taste of that sweet heroine,

Should I have more?



So much I want to know,

And life seems so short.

Should I live life to its fullest?

Carpe diem?



I don’t know.

It all confuses me.



I so want to take that drug,

The one that makes my skin tingle,

Makes my heart jump from its lifeless state,

And make myself feel alive again.



How I want that flowing through my veins.

I am not good at mushy stuff,

But when it comes to you,

It flows through my very being,

You make me want to hug you and hold you and make love to you.

And when all that happens,

A fire ignites in my heart.

Your touch sends shockwaves through my body.

Your kiss sends tingles down my spine.

A look from you once made me weak in the knees.

But now gives me butterflies at the thought of seeing you.

And when we make love,

I never have seen you be so gentle,

Caring, delicate and passionate

As contradictory as a couple of those words are.

They make sense in my mind.

Your touch,

And the heat that flows

Between our bodies,

Passion that races with our hearts.

A whirl wind romance,

That I thought I would never know of.

Heart ache,

It comes and goes.

A pain that can take forever to heal.

Time heals all wounds.

At least that’s what they tell me.



But true love is supposed to span the ages,

No matter what pain they inflict upon you.

No matter how they hurt you,

Or if they break your fragile heart,

Into millions of shiny glass shards on the floor.

On the very floor where others walk,

Not noticing what bloody mess they are stepping on.

Not noticing that they are turning that very heart into a cold hard bloody puld.

While you sit there up against the wall,

Watching it happen,

Listening to it break with each step.

Watching, as days pass,

For a cure,

For a once warm happy heart

That turning cold and shattered.

For a person to warm that heart and put the pieces back together.

It will happen right?

I won’t get my hopes up.

For they will get crushed.

Once again.



Who knows?

Right?

Love and happiness.

Sorrow and hate.

Topics both contradictory in subject matter,

Yet I always seem to find myself wondering

Why can’t we have one without the other?

To feel pain is to heal,

As love is to hate.

All such passionate character traits in life.

So does that mean there is no peace without war?

I guess there is no other way.

We live in a world where

Good and evil play each other with neither one in the winning seat.

It’s a tie game with serious over time.

Where does life go?

What is its purpose?

What is its meaning?



I once thought that I understood

But now I feel myself utterly confused.



Which way is left?

Which way is right?

Up or down?



I am finding myself shrinking into a black abyss,

A never ending darkness

With no profound sense of being.



No light at the end of the tunnel



Where do you begin if there is no end?



So to see that I am enduring

The suffering and confusion

Will I soon know happiness?

Love and clarity?

There is no telling where this tunnel will end,

Or when the rain will stop.



It is like I got wiped out while surfing,

With the rip tide pulling me down deeper,

Pulling me further out.

Making it harder to see the shelf and the shore.



Suffocating.

Everything is becoming lifeless and dull.

Waiting to be found,

Before I die of profound confusion.

As I am running along life’s path,

Enduring the bumps

the twists, the turns,

the wind constantly trying to blow me over,

making my once clear path

seem blurry and unreal.

What I once thought was so right,

Is starting to seem so very wrong.

Not just wrong, but the questioning kind of wrong.

Wondering if that path

The one with the green twigs,

will be the right one.

The one that will bring me

utter happiness or complete and utter loneliness.

Or will my other choice in path be the right one?

Sitting and thinking..

So much to consider,

And not enough time.

Abandoned

and I am not recognizable to myself

Feelings

I can not feel any more.

What is there to do when I am left without?

Shall I watch the blood of my former body run into the gutter?

Watch and see the vague figure of a man

whom bleed me dry...?

Shall I pierce my hand to see if I feel pain?

Who am I now?

All I am is buta shadow of my former self.

Longing to see the ones I care for,

but I am not allowed.

Wanted to act on impulse,

but not knowing what that impulse is any more.

Run?

Hide?

Eat?

Drink?

Revenge...

That is the one.

I wish to seek out who hath killed me and my soul.

To bring pain and fear into their lives.

But that shadow of a man is gone.

He must be a bastard.

When will this out of body expirence end?

When will I be drawn back into my body?

This nightmare needs to end.