If all my words are lies, how can you ever use them against me? I'm a liar. The best kind of liar, one who hates lying.04:13 Jan 04 2025
Times Read: 93
Heh... Too true Moonie. Too true. "If you don't want to be the fool, don't play the part."
Me? Hell I've played that part to a freakin' T. I mean I don't twist up when someone says they just want to be left alone into a 'woe is me' and then attack them for it... but hey. I try to live my life so I don't have regrets. Few understand that. One thing about that philosophy is... you have absolutely zero control on how others behave, and they can make you regret things. The thoughts enter, but soon they leave and all that is left is to learn. Learn how to be better how to be a person others would think of when they need help. Someone they can count on. No matter what.
I've come up short. For whatever reasons I can muster, the fact remains. I have certainly failed. Disappointed and hurt key people I swore I'd try my damnedest to only love and protect. Are there excuses or people to blame? Absolutely not. There isn't any one person to blame for my broken ways of thinking. Hell... I argue in circles because I am in a constant fight with myself. Questioning if I'm taking into account the other persons point of view as thoroughly as I can. I still fail. There ARE things I will fervently refute... but being a Narcissist? No. The more time has elapsed the more I find too many similarities in the descriptions to my character and even though I try... I just fail. I adore arguing... but to destroy and cause pain? No. It's the joyful kicks and smart bickering that gives birth to lovely little memories that I adore with all my... putrid, horrid heart. Painful, hurtful, hostile disagreements they drain me and are exhausting but I do endure them for the sake of learning... NOT for the sake of defeating, NOT for the sake of breaking the other person. NOT for the sake of hurting the other.
But for those whom I've hurt and broke during those... there are few to no words to express how I am sorry for not being more careful and kind. I dwell the real arguments, not in a negative sense. but trying to learn how i could have handled them and been better in every possible way. Treat people better.
Few things hurt me to my core than being described and told that I don't understand nor take others into consideration- That I don't reflect on anything but my next response. But what does that actually look like? I can say all day that I try. But that doesn't mean anything. Because I could be lying. It doesn't mean anything because that's not how I come across. That is NOT How I am read and understood. And that is entirely my fault. I TRY so hard... to be careful with the words i choose... and I win the heaped commendation of being manipulative. Now... even though I have TONS of questions as to WHO and HOW i've manipulated ANYONE... the fact remains that I left that impression. and THAT matters more to me. Because those that describe me this way... can't just be spouting nonsense and imaginative phrases for fun. They really do feel this way. And again... I did that. They HAVE to be right about me... and what is there for me to do than consider these words, for years. The only thing I have ever reached in lost thoughts about this is... TO BE BETTER. To try harder. To learn. And I truly.... painfully seem to just keep failing. No one is to blame for that but me. And I keep saying that I try. More for my benefit than any readers. Because despite what i try, reflect. Write. Think. Feel. Put into Prose and Poetry... it is all considered a lie. A manipulation. Which... is depressing but it is what it is. And I live with that. I don't ignore it. I don't post about it as much as my rants and negative feelings for which I seemingly have NO safe space to put.
Which is strange really. Other's write and paint and expel their internalized thoughts how they wish and it's called having an outlet. But I write these, for me. Piling line after line of this horrid spew. And somehow my thoughts... don't amount to thinking about anything at all. As if I were putting all this energy, for years, into words. Language. My absolutely favorite thing... just to put up an elaborate, cosmic false persona. Which... I wish was true. Because that would mean that I don't feel anything, that my heartache didn't exist and I could simply stop writing my fake emotions into rhyme and rhetoric. So Yes. I am flawed. I have been hurtful to others. I AM and have tried to dwell on that... Which is why I question.... how different people... see me in different ways. Why they sometimes contradict, and sometimes they agree. I Think about that... ceaselessly. But strangely enough... my musings on these very issues... have been twisted into playing the victim. So, what does true reflection and contemplation look like? What can a person do to cast even a shadow of doubt on what another has decided to be my eternally flawed character?
There is no answer.
I don't want the answer.
Because I don't want to be given the steps, to a dance I'll be condemned for dancing. I will try MY way. Because my goal is to actually grow and be better. Not seem like I'm trying to placate any one person or conquer ONE persons hill they desire to die on.
No one is offering solutions to how I can do better. Nor be better. Nor do they have to. But they sure are quickened to retell me what I've been telling myself and fearing about myself in the mirror for years. Things I've been struggling with for so long, the exhaustion is commonplace for me. I doubt myself and every step I take. I second guess and doubt again. That I'm a beast. A monster for every words I've ever chosen. Every choice I've made. That I am so smart, and deceiving. Manipulative. Controlling.
And I believe them. I believe every word.
Because when someone tells me something different. Describes me in any positive way... I have SO MANY questions. Doubts. And I go to war with myself. Wondering just how I do that to myself. And how Am I tricking or convincing so many others, that I am anything other than the terrible words I've said to myself and others have echoed.
I'm not very smart. Never have been. Nothing in my life reflects any sort of viable intelligence. I'm just a kid, playing with words when the lucky moment strikes. I'm pathetic when it comes to wit and having conversations without them turning awkward or into arguments. I'm a monster, deserving of any ill thoughts flung my way regardless of how true they may or may not be. I'm callous. And lack an egregious amount of common sense. My emotional maturity leaves much to be desired. I thought I knew how to love. But that changes with the person. No two people can ever loved the same way. Small lessons I swore I was learning.
Believe me when I tell you... I hate myself. Always have.
But... I also LOVE the experiences I've had that bring everlasting smiles to my face. And those... are provided by others who, quite adamantly, disagree with every reason I have to hate myself.
But what's intriguing is how some take time teach me... show me... my flaws.
And get me to understand.
And others... just want to hurt and destroy.
Again... the internal war ensues.
I AM FLAWED.
I HAVE FAILED.
I WILL FAIL.
So I shall keep living these moments where something keeps trying to kill, what is already Slain.
If you know your convictions to be lead straight and true, and you desire to kill me.
All you have to do, is say the word. And have me erased. Don't toy with your food, lest you become it.
Just remember, no regrets.
I can explain and question every last little thing. With whoever dares to give me the time of day to actually have a voice.
But if the shrouds is what is chosen, and my silence preferred.
All Slain can ask you is this... "What manner of reflection and action will please you, that you don't already doubt?"
And Slain will quote himself:
"Know me well enough to call me a hypocrite, otherwise all you are doing is making yourself feel better."
Because... after all...
this is all about him.
The guy playing the eternal fool. A court jester. The unashamed Joker...
Ooh. Ooh. It's even in my utterly accidental name choice.
Tell me, who is ever Slain, that isn't a victim?
You didn't think I picked that name because I see myself as a god, did you?
Victim, signing off.
Here... let me help:
InB4, This is all lies
and that
and that.
and that.
and that.
and that too.
COMMENTS
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immortalxkiss
04:59 Jan 04 2025
I cannot speak on others experiences with you, I can only go on what I've dealt with, and after over a decade of knowing you, I'm pretty confident with my view of you. I've never seen you as conniving or manipulative. Yes, you do tend to argue in circles at times, but I don't see that as a fault, really. We may not be as close as we once we're, that being mostly my own fault, but I value your friendship so very much. You are a good, decent person, Slain. Don't let the opinions of others drag you down, because they don't matter. And the whole saying you're a narcissist, are any of those people claiming such a clinical psychologist? If not, they shouldn't be throwing shit like that around like it means anything. It's just a stupid word they use to make themselves feel better. Keep your chin up, sir.