On America: and why everybody loves us23:21 Aug 11 2008
Times Read: 792
In one of the classes I teach my favorite assignment is allowing an option to write political satire. The following is some exerpts from a few of those papers. Unfortunately, I cannot re-produce them in whole as they are not my work.
"We should rejoice that gasoline prices have risen astronomically, for in this lies the solution to so many of the curses of modern life.
Now, I imagine a utopian future in a world where no one can afford to buy gas, anymore.
As gasoline prices rise and rise, our life patterns will change. (This we know to be true—because even in the first year of our trials, we have logged 9 billion fewer miles on the roads.) As the air begins to clear, environmentalists will rejoice. Finally, finally, people will be forced to stop driving long distances on vacations, taking long commutes, and jumping into their cars to go to the grocery stores for just a few items.
As part of this holy test of mileage and endurance, we will inevitably have to put aside our most-cherished vehicles. The Jeep Cherokees, and the Hummers. The Lincoln Navigators and the Land Rovers. The Mercedes and the Lexus, yea, even these. Abandoned by the roadsides, in the massive parking lots, and on the superhighways, our shining tokens of capitalism quietly await a new purpose!
We will solve the Housing crisis:
Yes, abandoned SUVs will become the new housing solution for our people—especially for the ones who now have no homes to call their own. Those who have lost their homes to foreclosure need not fear—because they will have beautiful new living units made of steel and vinyl and chrome to live in! So compact, so practical…why drive them, when we can live in them? After all, so many homeless men and women have already shown us the way! These pioneering rugged individualists love to be enclosed in their private spaces of metal. Sitting on those comfortable seats like thrones, every man is king in his own steel-encased castle! So inspiring!
Indeed, the new “pioneering spirit” will be fostered in those underprivileged and unemployed who homestead in their own cars. They will learn to pull themselves up by their own shoulder-straps, and carry themselves with dignity, knowing that they now occupy a genuine symbol of American pride. Who could resist the feeling of waking up every morning in a Lincoln Navigator, and surveying the landscape around you from your position on high?
Our wealthiest citizens, those who have always devoted their lives to philanthropy, will find new purpose in re-purposing their now-passé gas-guzzlers as charitable donations! Think of the benefits to all classes of our society--both high and low!
In these new SUV-homeless shelters, in the welcoming circle of donated sport-wagons, the homeless will learn how to form new civic associations and communities and pursue old-fashioned family-values leisure activities in a small-encampment atmosphere. They will learn that stationary pursuits are best--that haste makes waste, and that small is beautiful...Freed from the deadening and demoralizing effects of the long distance commute, they will be sure to contemplate the generosity of their betters..."
Here is a section from another one that I enjoyed:
"Social Issue No. 2: OBESITY: The height and weight of individuals will be measured against State defined criteria for determining obesity which is considered an infraction under the category of sloth and gluttony. The reason being: people over optimal weight for their height are a liability to themselves and the health care system, therefore the State will not provide medical care to anyone who fails to take the basic precaution of proper weight maintenance. Anyone over ten pounds of the State defined criteria for optimal weight must:
a) Agree to enter a State sponsored weight loss program and sign acknowledgement that failure to lose weight within a State established time frame will result in fines and repossession of property including primary dwelling.
b) Must agree to maintain a healthy weight throughout their lifetime i.e. must be successful in attaining the State defined optimal weight for height, age and gender until death or be euthanized upon the third violation of the CPAA Social Issue No. 2 Obesity clause herein stated. The CPAA notes here penalty for violations No. 1 and 2 are garnishes of wages and loss of property respectively. Therefore, it is in the best interest of citizens in violation of the Obesity clause to put the fork down and get off the couch...."
This made me laugh
"Well, when an industry fails in the private sector the best and most practical plan is to let the government take it over. Of course! America’s health care dilemma can be solved by the same system that has brought you the outstanding customer service of the post office! And, don’t forget the fabulous economic efficiency of the social security system. Just imagine the compassion of the Internal Revenue Service being applied to your health care needs!"
And so on...I've decided to assign this style of essay in more classes. ;)
COMMENTS
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imagesinwords
23:27 Aug 11 2008
lol. You totally need your own column. *If you don't already*
BLOODLIFE
23:29 Aug 11 2008
So it's 'your' fault .. lol
Elemental
00:56 Aug 12 2008
What a neat assignment....and such bright students :)
Joli
03:06 Aug 12 2008
I DREAMED of teachers like you!
LordVlkodlak
18:46 Aug 12 2008
I love it!
Teacher
...
Thank you
Irony
22:31 Aug 14 2008
Wheee, the obesity one is spectacular!
Vampirewitch39
23:11 Aug 18 2008
Kind of see the point on both of these. Hummers would make a hell of a home. And maybe if we can get a tax write off for the gym, sports fees, and Dr. not cost you $150.00 for a visit.
:) I love how you are making them THINK.