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I tend to keep things to myself, not for fear of criticism, but for fear of being found out by someone I might know in real life.



How sad that is, this tells me that I am not myself, my true self around the people I have known all my life. The fear of being found out also keeps me from being myself around anyone I might meet online.



How scarey it is for me, that I might live my entire life and not have any single person truly know me.





I sent this to someone after reading a piece in his journal. A piece that really made me envious of his ability to just let go and write without wondering what anyone would think or say or do.



I don't mean to make it sound like I have a pathetic life and I'm ready to slice my wrists open. Far from it, I have a wonderful life. I just find myself always wanting more from it. Is that selfish or just ambitious? Is it bad to be either?

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StoneCrow
14:59 Nov 26 2008

If you are true to yourself, true to your life and all of its wonder and creativity and hardships and tears, you are not being fake or hooded in your ways, you are being what you are and what you feel is right for you. Being protective of your entity in this life is something everyone does to a certain extent, so it is not unique or something to dread or be fearful of, it simply is. Be and understand you are beautiful to you and those who love and appreciate you.

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Nightgame
18:17 Nov 26 2008

I could not possibly put it as well as Stormcrow just did but I do feel some of us need the ambition to be better or stronger or just more in order to complete ourselves.

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StoneCrow
18:37 Nov 26 2008

Heh, Stormcrow...methinks I am not as old as Gandalf in LotR...hehe. Well maybe, but I am better looking :P

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SeleneTremere
19:38 Nov 26 2008

Just more...yes, that's it.



Better looking than Galdolf? Is that possible?? *laughs*

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Last night was chicken with rice and pinto beans. The hubby usually isn't crazy about this because he likes his rice mexican style, not cooked with the chicken broth. Last night, however, he really liked it.



I'm thrilled...NOT..lol



No time for dinner tonight. I have a meeting for my son's graduation party at 6 and my daughter has a volleyball game at seven. I'm not sure how I'm going to manage this since the meeting is usually at least an hour and the game is a good 20 minute drive.



She's 10 and still loves having me near by and still wants me to go to her games. The meeting is getting cut short.

Yesterday was pork carnitas cooked in a mushroom gravy sauce with mashed potatoes and fried corn.



I need to pick up some Thanksgiving ingredients..and something for supper tonight.



I think I'll do something with chicken.

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StoneCrow
23:08 Nov 24 2008

~mouth watering~ ummm, and your address is...?

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The woman entered the room and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the soft, plush chair in the corner.

The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach, and stared in her direction. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.



He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh.



He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often hidden territory, his movements deliberate and assuring, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.



Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big!,,,,,it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her.



As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again.,,,,,because she loves shopping for shoes.

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StoneCrow
17:01 Nov 24 2008

Ummm, be back in a few long moments ~tromps off to secluded place to erm...never mind~

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cadrewolf
17:23 Nov 24 2008

wow, cold shower time.

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SeleneTremere
18:09 Nov 24 2008

lmao!

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Leaving work at 2 today. Our local high school football team is doing pretty well these days and I haven't been to a single game.



This one is a couple of hours away and it's the Area game. We get a lot of surrounding counties who want to talk shit about the team, saying they're just lucky, they haven't met a 'real' team yet...shit like that.



It really pisses me off that the people talking shit are ADULTS. These kids MAY be lucky, they may have just been playing some sucky teams, I don't know. BUT, dammit..these kids have worked hard and it's their self esteem these people are jacking with. I don't know, I've never ever been able to talk shit about kids when they are trying to do something worthwhile. At all my kids meets, whether they be cross country, track, softball, volleyball or powerlifting, I've always told the other team mates they did well and I've always chastised my kids if they didn't do the same thing.



What is it really telling your kids to do when you sit around and talk shit about other kids that are trying their best to do a good job?



There's teenage rivalry, then there's parents who are trying to live through their children and trashing anyone who gets in the way.



I was never into sports when I was younger..NEVER. I was into marching band and choir. So when my kids showed interest in sports, I was elated! I wanted them to have interests in more than just music (they have that too). I never experienced that horrible kind of rivalry.



When is it too much?

I had a really good day yesterday. My good friends from work took me out to lunch. My sister came by with cards and a stuffed animal (a rottie because she knows I love em so). The work crew had a cake made and I had dinner with my entire family without anyone arguing.



I didn't have to cook and I didn't have to clean. "All the usual "Mom, come here" or "Mom, I want this" or Mom, can you do that" questions were re-directed to dad and I played poker online most of the night without interruption.



I listened to my little one read a book, my son took out the trash without being asked to and my daughter was off the phone at 9:30. I got to tuck in my kids and kiss them all goodnight (yes! even the 19 yr old!).



Hubby rawked the house and was Very very attentive.



Life is good.

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Angelus
15:25 Nov 20 2008

.. yep, that sounds like a good day.

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xxEmaeraldxx
19:43 Nov 20 2008

Wow! long may it continue!.. P.S. wait 'til Thanksgiving heh!

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It's a singing day. I've got some beautiful flowers on my desk. They're wilting just the tiniest bit, but it almost makes them look even more beautiful.



My parents came by this morning and scared the bejeebus out of me. It's really a good thing I wasn't walking around half naked because they NEVER knock...lol Apparantly, Mom has volunteered dad to make a pot of beans for her work party (no one under 30 and a pot of beans?...watch out!). So he'll make them at my house and take them to her still warm instead of driving 30 minutes from their house to bring them in.



Anyway, I love it when they stop by.



All the kids were up and around this morning without the customary 2 checkbacks. We left the house in plenty of time to stop for breakfast.



...and it's my birthday...



A good day for singing.

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Sinora
15:33 Nov 19 2008

Happy Birthday !

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Maven
15:57 Nov 19 2008

Happy Birthday!!!!!

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It's so sweet that he remembered. After 5 years of online friendship, he still remembers.



You made my day sweet man. You won't see this, but I'll want to look back on this and smile.

What's for Dinner?



It drives me nuts sometimes..truly! The spousal unit doesn't like to have anything twice and there's only so much you can do with hamburger, chicken and pork before you start to get into a rut.



We bbq'd last night. Which means I went to the grocery store, I seasoned the meat, I made the potato salad, pasta salad, rice, beans and pico. He sat in his recliner watching football, taking breaks now and again to check/turn the meat. Once the meat was done, I cut it up for the platter. Yeah..I can see why he was so tired..lol



So my point there was the fact that we bbq'd pork and chicken and hamburger.



I'll be damned if I know what to cook tonight..lol

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RxDarkFairy
04:21 Nov 11 2008

I absolutely HATE this Fu**ing question. Someone else has to decide.... I get tired of deciding for the whole family! my answer..... I'M not hungry.....

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StoneCrow
12:24 Nov 14 2008

You could always reply french fried ass...heh

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SeleneTremere
21:26 Nov 17 2008

I've replied with worse, but french fried ass would be a first for me..lol

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xxEmaeraldxx
21:37 Nov 17 2008

Getting take-outs, and warm-up frozen meals worked for me! Well, he doesn't exactly cook cordon bleu, but he makes a good poached egg on toast. He even bought a machine that toasts and poaches eggs all-in-one LMAO guys!!!

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meeper
16:32 Nov 18 2008

Try organizing dinner in a more thematic way- Mexican, Italian, French, then you have a bit more direction to go on rather than just what proteins you find acceptable :)

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SeleneTremere
17:30 Nov 18 2008

I'd love that idea Meeper, if my family wasn't so picky..lol

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How can you be disappointed and thrilled at the same time?



I'm not sure, but I know I'm there.



This weekend we gathered the troops and went to San Antonio. My son qualified for the Regional Cross Country Meet and we were headed there to cheer him on.



It was a really beautiful day for running. The sun was out but not in full force and there was a very nice cool breeze blowing all day, so we were never really overheated.



We watched the 3A schools run, and truly all that did was gear me up for my son's race. I don't really keep up with many sports unless my kids are in them, but wow is it easy to get caught up in the excitement when you're there in person. If emotions like excitment, anxiety, fear and anger could be felt anywhere, they were felt there that day.



We started out at the medium point of the hill. They look like a bunch of itsy bitsy people from where we stand. Everyone around is waiting anxiously for the heads up whistle. Mom's and dads and brothers and sisters are all lined up along the course. The three mile course is packed with onlookers waiting....and then we hear it. The starting gun goes off, we're all looking over one another, trying to be polite and not step in anyone's camera view, but trying to see if you can find your son in the 168 boys running towards you.



My youngest is there with me. As the pack runs by, she yells out randomly for her "Bubba" to get to the head of the pack! I spot him in the front middle group. He's off to a great start, but he knows he's already got to move up higher or risk being swallowed by the pack.



They've passed us and immediately I grab Sara's hand and we turn to make a bee line for the next cheering spot. We've made it just in time for the gator and lead runner to pass right in front of us. I know he has to be in the top ten to advance to the state meet. I start counting boys as they pass us by. One, two, three, four, five, six, damn..where is he?! I spot him before he passes...and he's in 13th place! As he passes, I call out to him "You're 13, you need to pass three!"



I've got a couple of seconds to watch a few more runners go by then it's off to the finish line to watch him come in.



The coach calls me when I'm halfway there. She says at half point Oscar is still in 13th. She needs someone at the top of the hill to remind him so he can move up. I look around and there's no one. I start my way up and damn it feels like forever to get there. I'm thinking I hope I'm truly healed and don't bust anything running so much.



I get to the top of the hill and wait. I can't stand still. I watch the runners coming through. I can make them out around the corner before they pass in front of me. He's still in 13th.

When he passes, I start yelling at him. I want him to hear me because so often he says he's not hearing anything when he's running.

The only way is for me to run beside him and keep yelling.



Holey shit...I didn't thinkI could run that far! Before I knew it I was well, looking back, it probably wasn't THAT far, but it damn sure felt like it!



I knew I wasn't going to see him finish, but I still hurried as much as I could. I was hoping he'd passed some boys before the finish line.



When I finally reached the finish line, I couldn't find him and I was pissed off that I couldn't find anyone from our team who could tell me how he did either. Amazing how you can spot em a mile away when you don't need em, but I was desperate to find out how he did and I couldn't find him.



Then I spotted him. He was sitting on a small hill. Head down, I knew he didn't make it. When I got to him, I sat down and put my hand on his back. He looked up and I smiled and told him how very proud I was of him. All he said was "Mom, I didn't make state". I didn't say anything else. Just sat with him. A guy from another team came up to him and offered him his hand. Told him he ran a damn good race. Oscar got up and tried to shake off his disappointment, but I knew it would take a while. He did get up and congradulate his team-mate who got 6th place though.



It was a very emotional day for both of us. I was so very excited about the whole race one minute, crushed with the results of the race the next and then rounded up to awesomely proud of my son for gettin 13th out of over 100 runners.



We're both sad that this was his last race. I know I'll miss the craziness of cross country meets and the excitement and thrill of the race.

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cadrewolf
17:52 Nov 10 2008

I know this feeling, best wishes to you both for all you gave.....

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Kontradiction
19:27 Nov 10 2008

:)



maybe your son can run in other ways.





marathons, perhaps? 10ks?

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SeleneTremere
21:45 Nov 10 2008

He's already looking forward to the Track season. It's not Cross Country, but the distance is the same.



We'll keep our fingers crossed for the flat track.

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We only want the best for our children. We want them not to make the same mistakes (or any variation thereof) we made.



It's hard to try and let them grow up. I tell myself they have to make their own mistakes. How else will they learn, right?



That's all good and well when it comes to teaching him to change the oil and tell him how often it needs to be done and then hopefully he won't have to pay for some major repairs. It's ok when it comes to teaching them about balancing a checkbook and hoping they won't lose half their paychecks to overdraft fees.



These things I can handle. These things I can say "Honey, let's go over this one more time" to.



What do you do when the heart is involved? I don't know how to pick up those broken pieces.



It leaves me feeling broken and very unhelpful. I want to make it all better, but how?



It's one of those *big sigh* days.

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xxEmaeraldxx
20:56 Nov 07 2008

There isn't any answer that our heart can put into words for that, but the love you give and show will help cushion their blow. One thing you do have.. is strength :)

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It's been too long.



Each time I sit down to type, something or someone interrupts me. Is that a sign that maybe, I shouldn't write? Maybe it's just that I shouldn't write here?



Who knows.



For a while, I was really interested in putting my thoughts down. They seemed to flow out smoothly. (Even if my writing didn't reflect that).



After the surgery, hell, come to think of it, even before the surgery, I just stopped writing much. The need for it just wasn't there.



Will writing this help me to realize my need for it? That's my intention. I guess I'll just have to give it more time.

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xxEmaeraldxx
19:45 Nov 20 2008

I think being online, writing and stuff comes and dissapears in a continous cycle. Maybe you are just having one of those dissapearing cycles... it happens to a lot of people, Me included!! It will come back again..for sure :)

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