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Have you ever had one of those days that everything just seems to be in shades of one colour. It happens to me rarely but when it does i cant shake the foreboding feeling of helplessness until the next day. And i dont mean helplessness in a bad way as i am not a quitter never have been but more a sense of helplessness that no matter what u do in any situation u face the outcome will not b positive and a sense of inadequacy can fill ur soul till it changes the way u view things, to me it manifests itself in a one colour day..... always the same colour and its blue. Once i used to fight it, grit my teeth get a squint in my eye and meet it head on, my stubborn streak refusing to bow down to anything. Usually that resulted in my meeting frustration and a sense of loss. These days i guess i have learnt to go with it and ride out the storm and pray it goes quickly. Usually it takes quite a lot to rattle my chain and i basically spent quite a few yrs on the streets as a youngster and learnt to adapt be quick with the one liners and to fight. However on shade day all my spark has gone and i honestly think a girl guide selling cookies could bring me to my knees in a battle of wits.Mayb i should cower in a corner or even hide under the bed armed with a rolling pin or something but and this is the only time i will admit this.......but.....at these times being a gemini sux. Have u ever really listened to the words in that men at work song....who can it b now..... if u have then u know how i feel. Its almost like i bring to myself my own rain making the day feel cold and grey.Mentally im giving the world and everyone in it the finger but outside im waiting....holding my breath.....dreading the sound of my walls collapse ans it will happen as it always does and when it does my day of blueness is over and i begin to put my walls back up ready for the next day of shades. My friends have learnt and come to understand that on these days the best place for them is to b a few states away and just leave me to battle it out for myself. Its not that i get grumpy or anything like that i just seem to withdraw and at these times the only one who can reach me is my daughter she seems to have that knack of walking through my mind her footprints leaving a world of colour that slowly blossoms until she forces everything but her softness and her gentleness out of my world.... and yes that may come as a shock to most but i have kids.... love them with every breath and miss them with every beat of my heart and the times i do get to spend with them i have learnt to treasure beyond any others as i know i miss so much of there growing up being this far away from them. I am beginning to think my princess has a telepathic link as she always seems to know when im down and she always rings just to let me know she loves me and that is something i could never tire of hearing. Usually just after she says that she kicks my ass and tells me to get motivated, and that is her beauty to me she can b gentle or she can b steel and she knows just when and how to b which. I dont think at her age i was ever as smart as her in regards to reading ppl but i like to think mayb a bit of her wiseness has rubbed off. Not really quite sure where this is going to b honest i just seem to b typing with no end in my thoughts but mayb i have done all this to make a point to myself that in times of shade days that its the warmth of a loved one who can take u by the hand and walk u back into the colours and for that mayb we should stop and tell them we love them.... mayb it sounds weird but i think that for me my shade days r to remind me that i need to tell the ones i love how i feel.....and that being the case i guess shade days r a good thing after all..........

Somedays you can sit in a chair in your own mind and not only look upon what has been but relive old pains . Im not sure why when we are by ourselves we seem to dwell on hurt and mayb sometimes even anger. But i know that when i immerse myself in those feelings i come alive, as though from them i draw strength and know that beyond pain is happiness or mayb even a sense of reason. Then there are days much like today when the chair in my mind is empty im not there, but the thoughts, the feelings come unbidden to haunt me. I would love to know why that is and id love to understand what my mind is trying to either warn me of or tell me. Sadly its never the case.....