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Today I read the foreword to a certain book that had me in fits of emotion.
I bought and downloaded it before I ran out of gas last night, and I actually have a hard copy from when it was first published that's just buried in the attic somewhere. I figured it was going to be more than worth the $5 I spent, and I was right. Rather, they were right, but yeah, a good investment I'd say, just from reading the first 50 pages.
Sometimes, it serves to go back to the beginning, as a wise person said to me. I had a work meeting tangentially related to this yesterday- we were talking about how we can curate customized training plans for the division that matched the current job roles and career families, but also, how to ensure that as the basic underpinnings change, that we recognize that even those technically advanced, hyper-specialized folks need a refresher to catch up on the drift since they last operated at a fundamental level.
And with that in mind, I took a step on square one. What followed was a critical re-examination of key assumptions I had made in the past and a) a clear sense of where I went down the wrong path, b) a renewed sense of confidence in myself and my beliefs and c) that I wasn't and am not crazy, or at least not alone in my potential delusion.
The similarities were remarkable, even the time periods were quite coincidentally close. The feelings that those words engendered reminded me of the first time I had reached out, and to some extent affirmed my own answer to the fundamental question of existence- who am I?
At the end of the day, only we can really know ourselves, but it helps a lot of you have a paint stripper tool handy to shred one's preconceived notions, bring you back to basics, and get you back in the game from the correct footing.
Lyrics
Back in black
I hit the sack
I've been too long, I'm glad to be back
Yes, I'm let loose
From the noose
That's kept me hanging about
I've been looking at the sky
'Cause it's gettin' me high
Forget the hearse 'cause I never die
I got nine lives
Cat's eyes
Abusin' every one of them and running wild
'Cause I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back, back
Well, I'm back in black
Yes, I'm back in black
Back in the back
Of a Cadillac
Number one with a bullet, I'm a power pack
Yes, I'm in a bang
With a gang
They've got to catch me if they want me to hang
'Cause I'm back on the track
And I'm beatin' the flack
Nobody's gonna get me on another rap
So look at me now
I'm just makin' my play
Don't try to push your luck, just get out of my way
'Cause I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back, back
Well, I'm back in black
Yes, I'm back in black
Well, I'm back, yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back, yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back, back
Well, I'm back in black
Yes, I'm back in black
Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah
Take my love
Oh, yeah, yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah, ooh, yeah
Well, I'm back (I'm back)
Back (I'm back)
Back (I'm back)
Back (I'm back)
Back (I'm back)
Back
Back in black
Yes, I'm back in black
I've hit the sack
Never let the opportunity pass. Do it now. Try to make it it, no matter the potential cost.
13:49 Aug 29 2024 Times Read: 172
I've been advised to journal more often to help release some of this emotional pressure that's pent up, which I think is a good idea. So since I'm stopped back in to clear some things up, and there's a journal feature, why the hell not?
I'll try to be as honest as I can, in the hopes that there's value in these words for someone in the future. Even if it's just one person that can glean some wisdom from the exercise, it'll be worth it. Other stuff will have to remain private, but still needs to be put out there, for posterity, I suppose.
And why now? Can't really say for sure. It's on my heart is all. Language isn't capable of fully expressing what's roiling inside me. And I'm trying to take a clinical approach to self-examination- therapy is a must to deal with the deep seated childhood traumas, but also, there's others out in the world that have, and are still, suffering from many of the same issues. We should have the courage to put ourselves out there, take the risk that we might get hurt, be willing to accept advice offered, even if it conflicts with our preconceptions, because at the end of it all it may be that there's someone just like me that could use a kind word, a gentle touch (emotional), or a firm redirection of thought and subsequent action.
The trouble with finding our own truth is that it's buried below layers and layers of bullshit. Over time as we suppress who we are, we add more and more paint to try and pretty up our corpse, but it's just not real- it's just the facade that we hope the world will come to accept, and not reject out of hand because we don't fit the mold that society wants us to sit neatly in.
We all crave companionship and while some do find it, maintaining it is increasingly difficult, especially when it's on a level that doesn't connect with the deepest parts of the self. When a bond is created so deeply that you can be truly honest with the other about who you are, what your real desires are, and have those needs satisfied, it turns into something magnificent.
But when it's torn away without your consent, the pain is unbearable. People can die of a broken heart. And I don't mean just losing a partner that you loved and will continue to love. I mean where that other has become an integral part of your being, and you theirs. Sometimes we let in people that don't commit all the way and they're able to close off and extract themselves, taking that piece of you with them, but because they planned it, they're able to cope more easily. It's the unexpected that does the most damage.
The shock and suddenness of realizing that you're emotionally, spiritually and energetically bleeding out is enough to physically kill. See the old couple who've lived their lives and known no other love, that they became so tightly interweaved that it would be impossible to tell where one ends and the other begins. They are one being that cannot live without the other half. That level of sorrow is terrifying and yet, to have that connection is the single most beautiful experience we as individuals can have.
And so the dichotomy of togetherness presents some huge challenges. How far can we go in trusting to let someone in? Do we even fully comprehend the risks, the impacts? Like standing in the rain, watching others walk by oblivious to our hurts and needs, we desperately want someone to come over and share their umbrella with us, or better yet, invite us into their home. But the fear of strangers has us unable to reach out and call for help. We're drowning in sorrow and we were never taught how to swim.
When the chance comes along and you see that lifeboat with a hand reaching out, grab it. Do it. They may not be able to fully rescue you, they may even be about to hurt you, but you're going to drown anyway.
Lyrics
So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters
Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words, I don't just say
And nothing else matters
Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know
So close, no matter how far
It couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know
I never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words, I don't just say
And nothing else matters
Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters
Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know, yeah, yeah
So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No, nothing else matters
If you want to say hi, I'll be here for a bit. If not, I understand completely. But also don't hold on to who I was then. This is me now and you may be pleasantly surprised.
COMMENTS
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LunarTides
22:30 Aug 30 2024
*high fives you*