Letting Go19:54 Apr 21 2006
Times Read: 677
Stepping into our bedroom, candles gently lighting the surroundings, I take a deep breath slowly; it smells of vanilla and roses, and the remnants of you. I sip my wine from the heavy crystal glass; bitter tonight, but still sweet. Deep satin covers line the mattress on the back wall, untouched from daybreak and your impression; pillows lay scattered near a mahogany headboard that holds our secrets and whispers of the night. I look around slowly taking everything in, your belongings so untouched. Tears begin to slip from my from my solemn blue eyes, down a porcelain cheek and onto hardwood floors that graced your feet. Nearly sensing your hands on my shoulders I hold my breath, moments pass and I finally let the air from my lungs escape, it hurts, as my chest grows heavy.
Walking to my dresser, I put my hands on it and lean forward, raven hair falls loosely on my flushed features, looking up I barely notice as a distorted vision of myself stares back, and I never see the tears but feel my eyes burn and that’s enough. Smearing them from my face I drink the last of the wine hastily. Pulling open a drawer, I pick up a silk nightgown; pink with ivory lace, you loved this one.
I slowly unfasten my cream blouse, it falls gingerly to the floor and gray dress pants soon follow. My hands, gracefully remove a white lace bra, slowly beginning to pull down the edges of the corresponding panties. I gaze at myself now, an image of Eden, admiring what your hands have loved. Slipping the pink silk over my head and closing my eyes, I imagine you standing at the back of me smiling in content. For a brief moment I am relieved. Only, I open them to the reflection of an empty room behind me.
My finger traces the mauve walls as I saunter to the bed; “I have loved you here,” I sigh to myself softly. Reaching the bed before long, I stare at it intently, not wanting to disturbing the luscious past. Crawling to my place, laying on my side, I rest one hand where you would have been; your bodies imprint an empty shadow of when you were here. Curling my other arm under my head and bringing my legs to my chest, I feel much like a child, so incapable and mystified. My arm stretches out for you, but finds your pillow instead and pulls it into me; it’s soft, your musky smells linger on it and my heart breaks again.
A side table next to me holds a delicate vase; deep scarlet roses reside in it, I can see they’ve begun to wilt, and I wonder if I am like them, wilting slowly. They were your preferred; you always said they were so enchanting, so beautiful. However, held this poignant splendor. So delicate, except could scarcely be held for the thorns that cursed their slender stem.
The wine has dulled the hurt slightly and I sense I drank too much; its aroma hangs on my crimson lips, now swollen due to tears. Frustration is my only companion now as I drift gradually, slipping into sleep. My head falters as I try and resist letting today go to the abandoned night. Eyelids struggle to stay open, except they now begin to close against my will, slowly letting go of the light.
I welcome every moment as my figure lays motionless on the duvet. The silk gently rests upon my curves, dark hair covers the pillow and anguish lines my face, a stature of torment. My thoughts are filled with you and fall into wasted dreams of yesterdays.
You have known every wicked secret of my night, every guilty pleasure. Have touched every inch of flesh on my body. Driven me crazy with craving you, and pushed me beyond any limits I thought I could have ever found alone. Have done unimaginable things to my mind, body and soul that have bound me to you perpetually.
Hours surpass me and my littered sleep is broken up by a quiet sound. Opening my eyes I see almost nothing as they adjust to the dark room. Candles have burnt down to the wick and nothing but the moon shining through sheer curtains aides my sight; it looks haunting in here now as blue shadows swim across the floor. The room’s full of darkness, and as I stare across it, it becomes an abyss. The furniture taking lifeless forms, reaching out carefully towards me, demons you can no longer protect me from anymore.
Chills gradually make their way up my arms and I realize with the white curtains shifting, long and nearly transparent, the French doors to the patio are open. A breeze flows into them, and they dance delicately into the room, beckoning me. They appear almost alive, so tender compared to the obscurity within. I hear the ocean beyond our house and gracefully move off the bed; salty air fills my lungs as I reach a small hand up to push the curtains aside, giving way for the moonlight that illuminates my soft skin, making it glow against the silk. Raven hair falls loosely on my back, caressing me as it sways with each step.
I walk out, and the night silently embraces me.
The moon is so prominent and haunting it could consume me. Stars stain the blackness above me, and I gaze in marvel at its sheer size. It has never been as beautiful as it is tonight, and I take a breath, trying to commit every facet to memory, every evocative piece.
I place my hands on the rail; gazing out into an endless ocean that only reflects the splendor beholding it above. I watch as each wake crashes deafeningly on the shore, distorting the sand and pulling it quietly back into the sea. My heart only desires to be so strong, and I long to be the sand, so my pain could be as easily erased as words washed away by the waves.
Your memory overtakes me again, and my eyes begin to burn, tears falling freely from my face. Small hands tightly grip the rails, knuckles turning white with misery. Suddenly I know I’m not sleeping anymore, and I’m still here with all that’s left of you and yesterday. Letting out an agonizing cry, I fall unto my knees; sobs wrench through me, shaking my fragile body while my chest tightens and I feel as if I’ve died a thousand times over. There is no one around to hear the echoing cries except the foreboding night, and when I finally open my eyes, I stare into the empty sea, considering my release.
Pulling myself up from the cold wood, I brace my body for only a moment and then swiftly scamper down the stairs; my legs can’t carry me fast enough. Cold sand touches my feet, and I tear it up, running to meet the crashing shore. My mind is bleak with thought, and my heart is filled with every thought of you as emotions and fear of a life without you shred every fragment of my soul. I can barely see the waves anymore; tears tarnish my vision so badly I fall before the merciless sea, and skinned knees begin to bleed. My fists hit the sand uselessly as I kneel before my demise.
Bleakly staring at the waves, I contemplate my fate. Hair clings to my tear drenched cheeks as my lips quiver; I’ve never felt so utterly vulnerable and alone. Will I welcome the bitter sea? It can’t possibly hold me like you have, but it’s the only comfort.
Standing there in front of the infinite ocean I take the first step; icy water encases my foot and for a moment I stop. A cold touch caresses my shoulder, catching my breath I look for a shadow in the waves, a broken reflection of something to indicate what is awaiting behind me. There is nothing.
Spinning around, I feel as if the air is drawn from my lungs when I’m met with a figure of you. The moon has formed a dark silhouette of you; a hand reaches out to me benevolently. Thousands of thoughts run through my mind, images flood every crevice and I’m mesmerized. My trembling hand reaches for yours, and a firm arm pulls me from the pitiless sea.
You reach around me and in a moment in lifted off the sand and cradled into your chest. Turning, you begin walking slowly back down the beach, holding me tightly to your body. The blue moonlight illuminates your face, and I see tears stream down, your eyes close as they fall quietly on me. Reaching up I wipe it from your cheek, your eyes open and look upon me, and my heart misses a beat when silver pools stare back, no longer the sapphire they were before, just emptiness.
Immediately I start struggling against the embrace holding me, arms feebly trying to push you away, legs kicking for release. Your arms hold me tighter and I let out an anxious cry.
“Please…” is the only whisper that escapes your lips. My small hands beat against you before you lay me on the sand, kneeling before me.
Looking worried and confused, you reach out to touch me. I draw back similar to a frightened animal, shivering in the cool night air, shrieking when your cold hand touches my leg. Instantly you pull it back, turning your head away. Getting up, you walk from me laboriously, fists clenched closely to your side. Leaning forward slightly I look at you. A few more strides and you throw your head back, letting out a howl of anger and frustrations; so callous and inhuman, it bellows through the air, and you carry on your way down the beach.
When you’re so far ahead you almost vanish in the shadows, I gradually get up from the sand, following behind you, careful not to make a sound. I have to know. “This can’t be you,” I say to myself. “I was looking at you when the life left your eyes. I was there holding your hand, heard the echoing sounds of the monitor go flat, seen the doctors desperately try to save you.” I continue to follows the prints in the sand. ”No, this isn’t possible.” I murmur aloud.
Gradually the sand turns to stone, and the comfort of the beach has given way to inclining rock, not serrated and harsh, although smooth. Your footsteps have been lost to them, and I cautiously climb the slops to see where you have vanished. The waves crash against the rocks; I can hear them, almost lawless. The moonlight brightens the harsh setting and you can make out the white caps on the water, see the broken picture of a pasty moon distorted on its surface. And off to the side, sitting under the stars, there is you.
Your knees are propped up in front of you, arms rested on them as you play with something gleaming in your hands. I watch you from a distance, carefully eyeing every subtle movement; studying you as if this is the first moment I’ve laid eyes on you. You know I’m here I can sense it, you just haven’t acknowledged my presence yet.
What seems like hours pass, and I haven’t moved from my spot, neither have you. Maybe you haven’t realized I’m here yet, or perhaps you don’t want to push me. You patiently sit there waiting, like I’m a cat that is curious however, too scared to come forward. I crawl ahead warily, and a stick breaks beneath my hand, your head turns slightly then ignores me again. I continue till Im just a few feet to the side of you, you still haven’t looked at me yet, and I begin to wonder. I move slowly up beside you and sit quietly. Still not having made eye contact, you look straight ahead without a word, and then you pierce the silence.
“I’m sorry,” your voice is strident and haunting. “I didn’t mean to frighten you.” You go on, “I’ve never felt so helpless as when I saw you standing before the water, I didn’t want you to see me but I couldn’t let you descend into nothing.” Biting your bottom lip you let out a sigh and run a hand through your hair.
“How is this possible?” I say in a whisper.
You turn to look at me, and the words that pursue break my heart, and I know whatever death has twisted you into, you would never harm me. “When I saw you fading away the moment I was dying,” His voice brakes and I can see him fighting back tears. “I knew I could ever leave you. I could see the light, it was so vivid and beautiful, it was nearly blinding but the thought of losing you eternally horrified me. I wandered the sinister darkness for what seemed like forever, there was nothing!” Shaking your hands in the air you continue. “It was like when you close your eyes, and you can’t hear anything, it’s just this empty abyss. That’s when I heard her. At first there wasn’t a face, just this calm evocative voice. She said I could no longer go forward, and that I had a choice to make. That I could leave you, this world and everything behind, or choose to stay but I would change immensely; that I would be eternal.”
“I don’t know how she knew I agreed, but she knew. I felt something cold on my lips then, felt it slip down my throat, warming my body. I could feel breath in my lungs, and when I opened my eyes, there she was in all her magnificence, wrist bleeding.”
I look at you horrified.
“In accepting this,” You look at me, your eyes pleading, “I have not only given up death, I have given up life. Given up every hope of heaven or hell, to stay with you my love.”
I reach out and wrap my arms around your neck, pulling myself to you. Starting to cry I struggle to make words but nothing comes out. Reaching up, you hold me like a small child.
“My whole life you have been this immense part of me, that even in death I couldn’t let you go.” Your voice trails off for a brief moment, and I lay in your lap staring at the sea. I can feel every tense muscle in your body against mine, your jaw clenches and I know you want to say more to me, but you’re uncertain.
Propped above on your arm, you look down at me. I can feel your stare burning into my back, I’m not sure why, but I turn around to face you. Meeting my eye’s you hold my gaze, unblinking. There is something different about you now, it’s almost entrancing; you look lustrous, so desperate and majestic. My hands move up to caress the sharp angle of your jaw, and regal curve of your nose. You smile tenderly, lips that look as if an artist sculpted them from stone; your roman features something out of a marble gallery.
“You haunt my every waking moment, but I can’t come to you as before, I’m not that man anymore.” Your voice leaves you lips so sinuously, crossing the cool night air to me, “Say you will come with me, now…tonight. You are mine and I would you with me always.”
Just staring at you, so wondrously, I can barely manage words at all. Your somber eyes hold me here, my heart beats to hard I’m sure you can hear it pounding loudly, as if it would fly from my chest.
“Say it love, say you belong to me and you will come with me.”
“I…I can’t live without you please don’t leave me again!” I say frantically.
Leaning in, you hand lifts slowly to caress my cheek as you speak in a soft whisper. Your breath moving a small curl against my temple as your lips brush against my forehead.
“Never…” Are the only words, as your fingers outline mine and take my hand.
His hand moved down over my face gracefully, tracing my cheek, then neck and shoulder leisurely, descending to draw the ivory lace of my silk gown. Fingertips grazing in slow circles as you take your time enjoying the heat you know your touch ignites beneath my skin.
My body writhes against your touch, back arching softly, head tilted slightly to the side to expose my body to your hands. My breasts grow taught beneath the fabric and lace, and a hand plays circles over their pulsing tips. His voice whispers in the darkness sending chills up my spine.
“I will have you my love, you will never be alone again. You will never hurt again, or feel loves pangs.” You kiss my mouth softly, your tongue feeling the soft contour of my lips. They part for you so easily, and I give in. You explore my mouth as if you have never kissed it before, as if this were the last kiss you will ever pull from my lips. I moan quietly and your mouth pulls away, trailing across my jaw, your tongue feeling every inch of flesh down my neck, and collarbone. You kiss my shoulder, slipping the delicate strap of silk off with your teeth as your hand gently pushes the other off. The silk gingerly cascades to my waist, falling from me like a bead of water.
For a moment you sit back, admiring me; my body lit by only the light of the moon. A hand reaches around my lower back pulling me into you; slowly lowering me so the smooth, cool surface of the rocks. They embraces me.
Your mouth leaves kisses down my chest and my flat stomach, it sends wave after wave of chills over my skin, the little bumps making my sensitive to the night air. Again your mouth travels up my body, over my breast and rests on my shoulder, subtly moving to the delicate skin on my neck.
I stare star lit sky as your mouth pleases me, can hear the crashing waves from earlier have died down to mere lapping on the shore. “The sky looks so enchanting,” Thinking to myself. I hear you whisper to me, “I’ll love you forever and always…” and a relieved smile crosses my lips as a lone tear gradually makes its way from my eye.
“… I’m sorry” are the last words to break away from wanting lips. Abruptly I feel the quick twinge of skin breaking, and a deep, burning pain in my neckline; my hands squeeze your shoulders, nails clinging to you frantically. Holding me tightly, firmly against your body, there is no escape. Still gazing at the moon, I let out a stifled cry into the night, and no one hears except the moon. The fiery sensation leaving my body shuddering, I know I am yours.
Tears slip down my face, falling onto the flat stone below me. And I, below the poignant lonely moon, have never seen it as vibrant and beautiful as now.
COMMENTS
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Dragonrouge
17:00 May 01 2008
A wonderful dream!Quite a romantic image!
My applause are reverberating by... the silence!