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Five minutes to the new year...

Less than an hour left until the new year. I promise to try and do a proper update tomorrow.

I keep going over it in my mind. I could get rid of the source of this pain but doing so might bring me even greater pain. So should I keep it or throw it away?

COMMENTS

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furcifer
03:44 Jan 07 2009

Our pain, misfortune, misery and all the things we hide away from everyone else are as much a part of us as all the other things in life. I need my pain. It's part of who I am.

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I'm so confused about everything these days. It all seems so futile.



A woman dies not long after cancer is diagnosed, leaving behind four young children. Her youngest will remember nothing about her.



A wife sits by her husband in his hospital bed knowing she could be about to lose him. They have already lost their son.



A mother stands at the site of her child's death. Suicide took away one she loved.



A girl sees a guy who abused her with a string of other women. She knows she cannot save them from him.



A teenager weeps at the funeral of her boyfriend. They could not kill the cancerous cells.



A family stand around a grave. They still mourn the loss from years before.



It's all there for me, all so real. I feel so trapped and unable to talk to anyone right now. Sitting alone, tears rolling down my face... I've been faking happiness most of the time recently. Don't want them worrying about me... I don't want him to worry. I've put him through enough already.



I sat and looked through my email contacts, scrolled though my mobile phone book, looked through a book of addresses... And I realised that I could turn to so few people for help and that I'm afraid to have to ask the handful I know care...



I don't know whether to fight or lie down and let it happen. Should I keep going and try to overcome this or accept that I can't do it? I kept asking why I should be alive when others who deserved life more were taken away. Maybe I questioned it too much...



Will I be alive in a year's time? Will I see the end of 2009?

Life On The Refridgerator Door made me cry :(

So Christmas is over for another year and I've got more books to read :)



Presents

Books

I Can Has Cheezburger? - A Lolcat Colleckshun

Cat Nav - Mike Mosedale

The Little Book Of Bagpuss (from David)

Fascinating Facts And Curious Questions (from Auntie Mary)

The Little Book Of Camper Vans

Passive Agressive Notes - Kerry Miller

Circus Of The Darned - Katie Maxwell

How Much Poo Does An Elephant Do? - Mitchell Symons

Strangers - Taichi Yamada

Do Polar Bears Get Lonely? - New Scientist

Freaky Phenomena - Joel Levy

Bloodletting - Victoria Leatham

Your Mother Doesn't Work Here - Kerry Miller

Manic - Terri Cheney

Skin Game - Caroline Kettlewell

The Zombie Survival Guide - Max Brooks

Cutting It Out - Carolyn Smith

Life On The Refridgerator Door - Alice Kuipers

Plague Of The Dead - Z A Recht

Nemi - Lise Myhre (from David - which of course he bought in August and then I bought myself months later when I had money)

Nemi II - Lise Myhre

Perfect - Anorexia & Me - Emily Halban

The Book With No Name - Anonymous

Mock The Week - Scenes We'd Like To See

The Devious Book For Cats - Fluffy & Bonkers

Pippa Funnell - The Autobiography (from David)

Connecting With Horses - Margrit Coates (from Auntie Mary)

Healing For Horses - Margrit Coates (from Auntie Mary)

Horses Talking - Margrit Coates (from Auntie Mary)



DVDs

Tru Calling - The Complete Series



CDs

Nemi - The Sountrack



Games

Pippa Funnell - Take The Reins (PC) (from David)



Clothes

Necessary Evil top (from Damien)



Other

Voodoo Doll

Crime Scene Tape toilet roll (from Philippa)

Flat Stan coaster (from Philippa)

Christmas cookies (from Kirsty)

Homemade chocolate truffles (from Lana)

Lush Champagne Snow (from Megan and Debbie)

Racing bugs (from Auntie Mary)

Dalek (from Davy)

Socks (from Davy)

Festive socks

Striped slipper socks

Charlie Black body spray

Carved wooden horse pen

Snow globe



Plus the compulsory sweets, chocolate, candies etc



I think I've listed everything. Twenty-nine books might seem like a lot to some people but I asked for most of them and any that I didn't ask for sound really good too. Merry Christmas everyone.

Merry eat-too-much, unwrap-wanted-and-unwanted-gifts and argue-with-your-family Day everyone.

Two days to Christmas. I have to go home tonight to wrap presents. It doesn't feel like Christmas...



And I really wish I'd brought my good tweezers home from uni. My eyebrows have started to grow back and they are really annoying me.

I bought another dress. It's PVC. And very pretty.

I got fitted for my 24 hour ECG trace this morning. I have wires running over my upper body and even though I'm no longer in the hospital, I still feel anxious. Anxious and down. I think I'm being more successful at faking happiness today. I know I shouldn't hide it but...

I'm making the effort. I'm laughing, smiling, joking around... But as soon as Damien looks away I can feel the emotion leaving my face, draining away... I guess this is what I'll have to do; act normal whenever anyone is looking at me and then allow myself to sink back when they aren't. It's too much effort to keep the 'happiness' going all the time.

I'm trying to fake happiness again tonight. They know I wasn't feeling great when I came over but I'm going to try to pretend I'm okay now. Even though I'm sitting here with Damien, Aph and CaptainLucy, I feel so much like crying. I think I'm going to have to go out for air in a minute. Otherwise I might burst into tears in front of them. Although, it's not like they haven't seen me cry many times before... Maybe this was a mistake.

It's windy. The door keeps creaking. The squeaking noise is getting a little annoying. The wind isn't howling as much now though.

Today I'm not even faking happiness but that's understandable. It was the psychiatric appointment. I guess I'll talk about it later. I just want to curl up and cry right now. It hurts so much inside. The plans are pushing their way to the front of my mind again. I'll convince them I'm okay and then I'm going to end this pained existence.

Faking happiness is hard. I'm not sure how I'm doing. Hopefully I'm pulling it off. I can't let him know how much I'm hurting inside.

COMMENTS

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StoneCrow
12:13 Dec 19 2008

You might go the joker route...? Course that leave a nasty scar, but a rather interesting conversation piece.

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I'm uploading photos to my portfolio. I'm not even sure why I'm bothering. I feel sick and I don't know if it's hunger, medication illness or the depressive ache inside. Maybe it's all of them. There's so many things causing me pain right now but I have to put on a brave face and pretend to be happy. I have to convince them. Then, when they aren't looking, I can relax and return to the familiar misery.

I'm trying to fake happiness today. I ended up crying in bed last night. I can't let him know if I do it again tonight. I need to make everyone think I'm okay.

I’m not in a great state mentally right now. I don’t really know why. I’m back home and currently sitting on Damien’s bed. I know he really wants my depression to get better so I can be truly happy. I want that too but I don’t think it’s going to happy. I think I’ll always have the depression even if it’s not in control of my life. I know I have to think of the long term future, that it isn’t going to get better over night, but knowing that I might have to live with this for the rest of my life is a horrible thought. Especially since I’ve been informed that my thyroidism may go into remission with several years of treatment... In remission is very different from cured. There’s also the possibility of operations and/or daily medication for the rest of my life. If that’s decades, I’m not sure I can deal with that.



I’ve been thinking a lot lately. A hell of a lot. I haven’t been trying to get better for me. I’ve been doing it for Damien and for the others that truly care about me. I’m really not sure I can keep going though. I haven’t cut since September but that’s only because I know how disappointed he was that I hadn’t been able to go to him. Sometimes I want to rip into my flesh so much. I want the release it brings. Sometimes I want to destroy my body, mutilate it so people won’t want to be near me. There’s a part of me that thinks they would run if my body was ruined and then I could die. I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t want to chase them. But I know that ultimately I’m only going to bring them pain and destruction.



Therein lies the dilemma. They want to save me. I’m not sure I can be saved. I’m sure I’m going to try them down with me. He says I won’t. I care a hell of a lot about him, about all of them and, considering the hell they’ve been through with me, they must care about me too. So do I try to save them from being dragged down with me and potentially cause them a lot of pain by pushing them away? Do I stay and risk hurting them by taking them along on my journey through hell? How would they feel if I faked happiness for the next few weeks and then vanished from their lives without explanation? Would they be angry if I caught that last bus all the way to the terminal? Hurt? Unaccepting? Betrayed?



I’m trying to live for them now but all I want to do is give up. I’m so sick of fighting, so sick of trying. People always get rid of me in the end. It’s happened again. I didn’t want it to come to taking sides, especially since James has fallen out with me for no reason, but Philippa has chosen him over me. I don’t think it was a conscious decision but her words and actions make it loud and clear. She’s chosen his side and it hurts so fucking much. I’m so sick of being cast aside, of thrown away with no consideration for my feelings. Drifting apart hurts but not as much as this does.



I’ve realised that they’re both fickle. The two people I called my best friends in first year can now barely be called acquaintances and now that they’ve shown their true colours I’ve stopped making the effort. I’ve taken to staying in my room, often for days on end. It’s en-suite. I’ve got drinks. I can go without eating or else keep non-perishable items in there. I could stay in there for weeks if I wanted. Or do what I was for a while and go to the kitchen to cook and wash dishes in the early hours of the morning so I wouldn’t have to see anyone.



I hate hearing James talk to the Freshers the way he used to talk to us. He uses his ‘nice’ voice and chats away about going for drinks or whatever. Alcohol has become a problem for him. He’s always drinking and he shouldn’t even be touching the stuff with his illness. He could die because of it and I’m not sure how I’d feel if he dropped dead. I don’t know if I’d be upset or relieved he was gone. The James I knew, or thought I knew, already seems to be dead. Philippa is just as fickle. Last year was all about Sarah. I got sick of hearing about her but this year it seems that she’s moved on to Paulette who is thirty-three, likes getting drunk with people who are pushing twenty and does inappropriate things when not sober. Which are then caught on camera. I don’t even get invited any more while other people do. And I’m not talking about nights out at Oceana. I mean trips to the cinema or just out to the bar for a break between assignments. It’s all just getting to me.



I’m supposed to ask for help when I need it, talk about things when I’m down... But I end up feeling like a burden. Other people have always given me their problems. I don’t want to give mine to the people I love. Damien has told me to talk, that it will help and I guess it does. But I feel like it’s important for me to do things on my own. I just... can’t. I’m not strong enough. I’ve been trying for so long and I do just want to give up. I don’t want to cause pain. I’ve told him he should just walk away because this is long term and not easily fixed. I know going through it will be hellish and that dealing with it all will probably be a nightmare for others. No one else could cope in the past. The fact he’s willing to try, and wants to, makes the friendship even more precious. I don’t know what to do. I’m not living for me. I’m living for him.

I need to fake happiness. I can't let anyone know how much I hurt inside right now.

Just over seven hours until my next photoshoot :)

I'm not up to writing much these days. I seem to be a little worse each day. I keep hoping I'll go to sleep and not wake up again. I'm sick of being here. I'm sick of the place. I'm sick of the work. Most of all, I'm sick of the people. Most of them can drop dead for all I care. Some of them, I hope actually will.