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I'm relegated to Damien's room tonight and it's annoying because I'm listening to the geeky party downstairs and I'm not allowed to go to it. I fell down the stairs and bashed myself up pretty badly. I need painkillers.

I need to stop saying "fricking". I've started to say it a lot and I have no idea who I picked it up from. Damien says it's probably from all the times he, Aph and CaptainLucy have quoted from Austin Powers. I'd rather go back to my usual word "bloody" though.

I'm going to make the effort and try to update my journal every day again. Aside from occassions where I literally do nothing in which case there's not much point. Unless there are people reading this who actually enjoy entried that consist entirely of something along the lines of "I slept in late, got up and had some food and watched TV until I fell asleep again" etc. That's hardly exciting. Not that my life is a continuous source of excitement but still...



I think it was about 4am when I curled up in bed and Damien finished his game shortly afterward. Of course we then had the usual random conversation and cuddling before sleeping. All too soon I had to get up to pack my stuff before leaving for the yard.



At three minutes past nine my mum phoned to tell me she was on her way. It took her over forty-five minutes to make the twenty minute journey across town. It's Black Saturday and the Parades were out. I texted Megan to ask her to organise a horse for me. And she did. Bless her. Then I got to the yard and found there was no need. Horses had still to be assigned.



I'm riding Tula at the minute to try and ease the workload on Teddy and because I think she's fantastic. Megan rode Fred up to the barn to keep my company while I tacked up. Tula followed me without me needing to hold her reins at all. She is such an angel at times. Megan said again how pretty her face is but said I had to call Fred handsome so he doesn't get any more feminine. She's insistent that he's gay.



Tula's been using Jacob's tack since he's suffering from some form of long term lameness. I don't know the details but he is still on the yard. However, today the tack had been re-labelled. It's now officially Tula's.



There were only six of us in the lesson today and Tom worked us all really hard. We did turns-on-the-forehand, outward half turns, flying changes, canter poles, drill work and lots of general schooling.



Tula was full of herself again today. I felt it when I got on her. At one point we were cantering as a ride and she was trying to buck. She really wanted to move. However, she was drenched in sweat by the end of the lesson. It was literally dripping off her. Even the area where her bridle sits was sweaty so I walked her to cool her down and my mum removed the worst of the sweat with a wisp of hay.



Then I got to do something I've wanted to do for weeks. I got on her bareback and she was so comfortable. Just like I imagined. I really want to ride her properly without a saddle now. Maybe one day. If I raise about £1000 towards her, my mum will consider buying her. Time to find a job.



After I took Tula back to the barn I stopped to talk to Tom and Steph and they both really flattered me. Tom said that Tula goes so much better for me than for any other rider and Steph agreed. She said she'd noticed when I'd been riding. I didn't even realise she's been watching.



Apparently Tula won't give other riders an extension of stride and rarely picks up the correct canter lead whereas she does both for me easily. I was quick to flatter her because I do think she has real potential but I was walking on air because of their compliments. They don't say things they don't mean.



Having to head back to the mundane world was eased by the fact we got to see the mare and foal in one of the front fields again. The little colt was so cute. He'd been lying flat out on his side when we'd arrived. Foals are always so adorable.



We stopped for lunch on the way home as usual but I ended up feeding half of mine to two young cats that appeared near the car. One was a black and white and the other was a grey and white. I felt guilty eating when they weren't so I gave them most of my chicken. They were sweet.



I went straight to my aunt's house rather than going home so we could organise the details for tonight's party. Then I returned home for a few hours to organise things here. I spent a while trying to list everything that needs done in the next week. There's a lot.



I'd brought the cake down the street but my mum was in the kitchen facing the front door so I couldn't get it into the house. I had to hide it near the side gate and for her to go out for the newspaper before I could sneak it in. It was almost 5pm at this point but things were still proceeding, mostly, according to plan. Of course, there's always a problem, or three, somewhere...



David started talking about going out to see a band which would mean mum couldn't have anything to drink. Enter my plan to get a glass of wine into her as soon as possible. Getting my dad to drink wasn't a problem. He was drunk when I got home. He sobered up just enough for the party at least.



We were having Chinese for dinner. That was the plan. And since it's less than ten minutes away on foot, we were walking round to get it. Then I couldn't find the menu anywhere so everyone had to chose their dish off the top of their head. Thankfully it worked out okay but I'm never carrying an awkward box filled with five meals and extras any distance ever again. I felt like I was being stabbed in the spine.



The meal was nice and we had fortune cookies which are fun. We followed it up with the presentation of the cake, the blowing out of the candles, my usual birthday candle induced giggling fit and then the opening of presents. Mum seems to like everything we bought her which is good because she is nearly impossible to buy for. After presents came dessert and then the party broke up after some further conversation.



I'm tired now. Although not as bad as earlier when I was really having trouble keeping my eyes open. It's been a long and full day so I think I shall probably head to bed very shortly because I want to make it to at least part of Mecon tomorrow.



Sweet dreams, reader.

The group Drow set up on Facebook now has 58 members and that's in just one day. I feel loved :)

That last entry was the longest and most thourough one I've done in a long time. It was kind of cathartic. I have to get back to doing proper entries again. I've written in my LJ a lot lately. I need to stop neglecting my journal here.



If anyone wants to add me on LJ, feel free:



Ravensbloodzero's LiveJournal

My mum's been back at work since the start of the week after having a fortnight off. Normally we do a lot while she's on holiday but this time I had a horse on loan for the first week. Well for four days of it anyway.



I'd originally wanted Teddy but he was needed for lessons so I chose Tula who I started riding recently. She's only five years old but I used to ride her mum and I've known her since she was a three day old filly.



She's doing really well with her dressage at the moment and her jumping is really coming on. She has excellent footwork and does lovely turns-on-the-forehand. I think she has great potential to be a fantastic little alrounder. I just wish I could afford her.



We didn't really go far in the second week of her holiday either. On the Tuesday I went into town to do birthday present shopping with my aunt. We got some nice things so I hope my mum likes them. It's technically her birthday now since it's past midnight. We'll be having a small family party later.



On the Wednesday we went to the zoo. They had four foot tall Pelicans. I'd never seen a Pelican in real life before. They have red eyes. They're pretty cool. There were also two Shetland ponies and a Shetland foal, all of which were adorable.



Other babies included Marmosets, Tamarins, Sea Lions and Gibbons. The Gibbons were fascinating. They were so agile. There were also fruit bats and black cockatoos, both of which I wanted to take home with me. The weather stayed dry and it was a good day overall.



On Thursday we took Damien down to the bank to get money changed before going to Bangor. I'd spent the evening before at his House helping paint designs on the jacket we'd started work on the previous day.



A lot of the trip to Bangor was spent in Replay. Roy was winding me up about my hair colour as usual. We had a walk around the marina as well. There weren't any seals this time but we had a laugh at some of the names painted on the boats.



Friday is a blank. I'm sure we must have done something but I don't remember what. Maybe it'll come back to me later.



Saturday morning was spent on the yard as usual. Tula, who didn't want to canter the previous week, was full of herself and eager to go. We had a nice ride because of that but there were five owners in the ride and only four riding school horse-mounted riders and Tom was showing real bias towards the owners this week. They got to do more than we did and he called them the Divas and us, the Pretenders. Megan was annoyed about that even though she's technically an owner now.



Afterward I took Tula for a walk to cool her off and she happily munched hay outside Fred's stable while I rode him bareback around the carpark. He's very boney.



Wednesday this week did not start well with the disasterous meeting with the photographer's lackey really ruining my mood. However Damien thought I looked "fucking fantastic" and he really managed to cheer me up afterward.



Speaking of Damien, it was his 27th birthday on Thursday. We were in the pub on Wednesday night after Sci-Fi and raised a glass to him at midnight. Well, a few seconds afterward. I stayed over as usual and then bought him a chocolate cake which went down well. He also got his dinner purchased by me. He's had his birthday present for six months since he spotted it in Forbidden Planet when he was over for my 21st and was worried that they wouldn't have it so long afterward.



Yesterday (Friday) morning saw me going to see the doctor again. He was supposed to discuss me going on new anti-depressants as well as what was going to happen with the thyroidism medications. I also wanted to ask about getting more sedatives. Things didn't quite work out that way.



We arrived at 7.25am, five minutes before my scheduled appointment, only to discover that the shutters were down and no one was at the surgery. Doctor Flynn soon arrived but so did five other patients. I was fully expecting them all to be seen before me. Two of them were.



Once in with Doctor Flynn, he took a syringe of blood, told me he was going to chase up about my therapist's appointment and asked me to phone him at 8am on Tuesday morning. What a waste of time.



He'd told my mum the other day that it would do me good to get up so early or something to that effect. There's just the small fact that the illnesses make me need more sleep and getting up at 6.40am didn't exactly help matters. I went back to bed afterward.



The evening was spent with Aphrala and then with Sean as well while the others were at Mecon. I wasn't up to being around a lot of people at that point of the night. Fast forward a few hours to the return of Damien and Shane accompanied by Luke, Ellie and another person or two. That was when it went rather... wrong.



I was up in Aph's room where we'd been hanging out. She'd popped downstairs to see people and I figured I'd head down and get a glass of water. Oh what a mistake that was. I either slipped or tripped on my trousers, tumbled down the stairs and, according to Shane, slammed headfirst into the doorframe of Damien's room before collapsing backwards onto the stairs.



I was apparently out of it for a few minutes, blinking so presumable conscious but non-responsive. They said they waved their hands in front of me but I didn't react and it took me a while to recover. At first I could only blink to communicate and then gradually I could talk again. It didn't hurt and that worried them since my neck was at an awkward angle.



I was so shattered earlier but couldn't be allowed to sleep straight away due to the head injury. That was a few hours ago so hopefully it'll be okay for me to sleep now.

Drow started a group on Facebook: Raven Karloff Model Appreciation Group!

and in a few hours it has gained 15 members. It's really nice to see support from people, especially from those I don't know.



In light of this and the fact I'll be meeting the actual photographer for this job on Tuesday, plus the support I've received from everyone here, I've decided to keep going with modelling. I don't want to give up this dream just yet.

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Sinora
17:45 Aug 30 2008

Good for you *hugs*.

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I think I'm going to give up modelling...

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Sinora
18:37 Aug 28 2008

If you decide to give up because you honestly feel it wont take you to where you want to be then that's fair enough.



I just hope you don't base the decision on what that poor excuse for a man told you.



Sounds like you need the honest opinion of someone who knows the industry. *hugs*

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DrowVampire
22:40 Aug 29 2008

Confidence and Self Esteem is hard to come by.



Sometimes you just have to scream at the world in your own way, LOOK AT ME, I AM WHAT I AM, FUCK OFF IF YOU DON'T LIKE YOU POOR EXCUSE OF A HUMAN.



The "sleeping with me, you are hired/promoted thing," is not unusual from what I heard from my 2 lady friends.



FIGHT Raven !

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The modelling interview today was a disaster. I wore a pinstripe corset and knee-length skirt. I did my make-up nicely. I drew on decent eyebrows. I styled a new pair of four inch heels. I showed off cleavage. I focused on my body language to ensure I didn't hunch over or cross my arms.



He called me mutton dressed as lamb... And that was the most complimentary thing he had to say. Apparently my breasts are too small and yet my male friends seem to like them just fine.



It wasn't the actually photographer interviewing me. It was the guy that organises the models for him. He told me I wasn't pretty enough to get the job. I should have taken a picture of me and put it up here to show you. However, he said he could get me in on the shoot. I had a feeling I knew what was coming next...



Yep, as expected. He wanted a "private interview". Thinking he wouldn't say what he meant in the middle of the cafe, I asked him to be clearer. He came right out and said it. I could have the job if I slept with him. I told him I didn't need to proposition strangers for sex. I could get it any time I wanted. Then I got up and walked out. And went straight to another cafe where I promptly burst into tears.

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solitaryangel
01:54 Aug 28 2008

I dont normally comment in the journals of people I dont know - but hun - good for you!



It takes a real woman who knows her true worth not to take that sort of treatment from anyone - you are stunning and this person seems like a total low life.



I think you rock - dont allow this set back to stop you.



All the best

Sol.

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I have to get up in a few hours. I need to stop going to bed late when I have to get up early.

Right, I'm pissed off. I've just eaten cereal for breakfast rather than my leftover chinese from last night. I still had more than half of it left but I couldn't eat any more. As is normal, I planned to have the rest of it for breakfast. Everyone in the house knows that I eat the leftovers for breakfast the next day. Yet, when I went downstairs, I couldn't find my food.



I looked in the cupboards. It wasn't there. I looked in the microwave. Not there. I looked in the oven. Not there either. I looked in the fridge. Nope, not in there. So I asked my mum. She said it should have been on the sideboard next to the microwave. It wasn't there. She then told me to look in my brother's room and there was the now empty container. He'd eaten my fucking food.



He was playing at a gig last night and came in shortly after we finished eating. At midnight, Doctor Who finished on the television and I came back upstairs. At 1am my food was intact but sometime during the following few hours, he decided to eat it. It hadn't been there for a couple of days. It had barely been there for a couple of hours. It was clearly mine since what I order comes in a bright red sauce. He knows I eat my leftovers. So why the hell did he take my food? Gah!

Open inbox. Click on email.



Dear Ms Donnell,



I am writing to you concerning the modelling work offered to you by our company. Due to recent events the photographer in question is no longer with us and we do not feel that it would be beneficial to take you on at this time.



We prefer our models to have natural beauty as well as being beautiful in their made-up state. I apologise for any inconvenience and wish you the best in the future.



Clara West



Any inconvenience caused? Natural beauty? I cut out the completely irrelevant chatter she added but left this to show you. What the fuck is wrong with me? Or what the hell do they think is wrong with me?

Why do I keep fighting? Why am I even trying? I came so close to stepping out in front on a car a few moments ago. And what I regret most is not having the guts to do it.

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DrowVampire
23:26 Aug 21 2008

It takes more courage not to kill yourself. It is not worth it either. You have a strong sense of survival, your purpose in life has not presented itself yet. Or, maybe because of everything that caused you unhappyness, you are not seeing it clearly.



Try Meditating and focus on yourself and to hell with everyone else.



Everyone's opinion matters not. Focus on what you want to do.



When the time comes, someone will see you at face value and not judge you.



You obliviously have a beautiful SPIRIT.

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Since I'm not supposed to have sharp implements I just tried to open a parcel with my teeth. And stabbed myself in the mouth....

I really need to get back to writing proper updates about what's going on in my life. I used to rant at such length and it was cathartic. Now I barely say anything.



I'm learning a lot about myself at the moment. I've changed. There are things that I like but there's also a huge amount that I don't like. I don't like how others seem to see me right now and I don't think I like the person I'm becoming. Is it possible to change too much?



I think that I've pretty much fucked things up with Damien. He really has borne the brunt of everything that's been wrong with me in the past few months. I know some people think I'm being an attention whore but I'm not. I just want all of it to go away. I don't want people to have to look after me all the time. I don't want to be a burden and have to be dependent upon others.



I think he's sick of it. Actually I'm pretty sure he is. Is he sick of me as well? Should I cut myself out of his life? Would that be better for him? Losing him and the friends I made though him would remove the last people in my life that make it worth living. To be honest though, I don't want to go on any more anyway.



I'm sick of hypocracy and how two-faced some people are. Most people really. We can all be a little that way inclined sometimes but some people live their entire lives that way.



And I'm sick of getting fucked over by guys. I want to be desirable but I don't want to be seen as just a sex toy. There's more to me than just that.



And what is it about me that attracts the net crazies? And also guys with foot fetishes. I get a lot of those. But they're not bad like the crazies. Except when they are the crazies.



I had one guy ask if the broken heart entry was about him when it wasn't but he was completely oblivious to the entry that was about him.



There are several guys pushing me for dates when I've told them to back off. They haven't even told me their real names. And logical though just doesn't work for some people. If I don't feel comfortable having someone I don't know stay with me on campus where there are lots of other people and some security guards, why would I feel comfortable going to stay with that person, alone, in their house?



My toe hurts a lot. Almost everyone is pushing me to see a doctor or have x-rays done but there's no point. The most they would do is strap it up and I don't want tp sit in a waiting room for hours just for that. I could do the same with a lolly stick and a bandage.



Aph's off to Denmark for a few days. I hope it all goes well for her.



I really should go to bed. I have to get up to go to the yard in the morning so I guess I'll talk about this week properly tomorrow.



Here's a couple of jokes from Sophie:



Q: What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

A: Dr Dre



Q:Who designed the round table?

A: Sir Cumference



Yes, this is pretty much a disorganised stream of consiousness entry. Deal with it.

Why is it when you leave the room for five minutes, it's that point of the day that your computer decided to do its automatic updates that involve an auto restart?

Teddies don't hug back but sometimes they're all you've got...

I've just been rating profiles and come across one stating that the person had problems with another user in his previous incarnation on the site and therefore would not identify himself. Then he had a picture of himself on the profile. I'd say that someone having a photo of himself clearly visible is a pretty good indication of his identity...

I'm being kind of pissy tonight so apologies if I offend anyone. Asylum was good. The night didn't start out so well but it got better towards the end. I'm over-tired now though and stuff that happened yesterday has made me moody. Combine that with someone randomly talking bollocks at me and being accused by someone online of being drunk when I don't drink alcohol and you get a pissy version of me.

I've realised, it's happened again. I've had my heart broken. I thought I'd kept a safe distance but I guess not. One sentence of rejection is all it took. After everything we shared, it turns out I don't matter to him. And it seems that maybe I loved him...

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Angelus
18:00 Aug 01 2008

if it only took one sentence, more fool him.

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