FUNNIES
"Cougar attacks Cyclist. Cops are searching for assailant in Singles bars"
To Quote SilverBow: "Bubble, bubble, toil & trouble; Goddess, I hate laundry!"
"I will not tell you that good and evil exist, I can only tell you that the world is ignorant and from there you will have to make a choice."
"In reference to the political correctness movement, the undead are sometimes jokingly referred to as the "living-impaired". Vampires were sometimes likewise referred to as "Undead Americans" by characters in the TV series Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the spin-off Angel." - wikipedia entry
"The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of childhood into maturity"
"The fight is over ... but which side has won ? The fight is over and they took his gun. The fight is over, or has it just began ?" - Ipi Tombi
"If we could reach beyond the bounds of blame
And make history blind and peel away the easy balm of words
This is all we’d find: A mother’s cries, fear in an old man’s eyes, a child’s blood on the walls!
No easy price to pay, no harder way to fall" - Written in 1993 as a response to the massacre at Boipatong, and to the assassination of Chris Hani.
Relationships Quotes
"I know I can not stay the same, but I lack the strength to change it. I have life figured out too, it is all about FEAR."
"Dogs always know how to wreck a perfectly bad mood."
"Having your period is not an excuse to be the ultimate asshole!"
"Learn to trust !"
"I am alive, created to strife for love. To soar on the wings of friendship"
Words to Live by ....
.... change begets change
.... you don’t change by beating yourself up
.... I am, my own worst enemy
.... a happy married couple praises the other to a friend
.... marriage is honesty, openness, and understanding. to be sensitive to each other's whims, weaknesses, idiosyncrasies and eccentrics
.... sometimes fear is not what is seems; it could be excitement
.... relaxation is the opposite of anxiety
.... i must never answer my own questions
.... never use the word “but … “
.... avoid using the word “should …” these you usually your believes, not those of others
.... learn to respect and accept change
.... in marriage treat all major "disasters" as incidents, and treat minor incidents as trivial. these are more or less daily events.
.... Spiteful words can hurt your feelings but silence breaks your heart!!!
.... Dreams live longer, then the dreamer ever will.
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage." - Lao-Tzu
Relationships
You know, men have the same emotional structures that women do, men are also conditioned to devalue their emotions, women are encouraged to express them, but the idea that they're different emotional creatures is mindbogglingly stupid. We ought to be focusing on our commonalities.
Just a few hours of counselling can help to temper any biological differences by focusing on "feelings, not facts"
The whole "Mars and Venus" thing is Bullshit.
Would-be husbands and wives must talk about things like sex, money, careers and kids before they walk down the aisle. People often do talk about these things, The problem is, we do not talk about them properly. To remove Relationship Political Correctness, actually talk about someone gaining weight, being sexually attracted to someone else. There's a whole long list of things that you're feel that you are not allowed to talk about.
The point is not to limit the range of what is talked about or start with pre-conceived ideas of how the conversation is going to go. So with have kids, we start with prenatalism. Couples often decide they both want kids, but not discussed is how many, couples often stop the conversation after they want "two or more" - That mean major details unaddressed like whatever to have that 3rd child and how they will cope with how their kids impact their careers and finances.
Funny Quotes
"I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it any time!"
"A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn!" - nethack
"Terra... wait for me. I'll be back. And please, don't let a lecherous young king, who shall remain nameless, near you!" - Locke, Final Fantasy 3
"Uwee hee hee... Don't tease the octopus, kids" - Ultros, Final Fantasy 3
"I became a policeman because I wanted to be in a business where the customer is always wrong" - Anonymous
"Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I." - Steve Jobs, CEO Apple Computer
"When I wasn't sure what the word charisma meant, I met Steve Jobs and then I knew." - Larry Tesler, former Apple Chief Scientist, "The Triumph of The Nerds" by Bob Cringely.
"Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window." - Steve Wozniak, Apple Computer
"Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk ?"
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss !!" - Lazarus Long
"We have terms: He harasses me, and I take it." - Christopher Titus, on his father
A "swift kick at his back door" is no way to get a dragon's attention !
A +25 sword of DM Slaying? Where can I find one?
A crate of UZI's, a carton of whiskey...lets go to Disneyland!
A criminal lawyer - is there any other kind?
"The network told me to get rid of Number One, the female first lieutenant, and also to get rid of 'that Martian fellow'...meaning, of course, Spock. I knew I couldn't keep both, so I gave the stoicism of the female officer to Spock and married the actress who played Number One. Thank God it wasn't the other way around. I mean Leonard's cute but..." - Gene Roddenberry
"Come now Worf. What about a bite on the cheek for old time's sake ?" - K'Ehleyr (Reunion, TNG)
"A little wine, some poetry, a tour of your ship...Wait, Jean-Luc! Come back here!" - Lwaxana Troi
Riker: "Chocolate ice cream, chocolate fudge and chocolate chips. You're not depressed, are you ?"
Deanna Troi: "I'm fine, Will."
Riker: "Would you like me to leave you two alone ?"
"War is instinctive. But the instinct can be fought. We're human beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands! But we can stop it. We can admit that we're killers ... but we're not going to kill today. That's all it takes! Knowing that we're not going to kill today!" - Kirk (A Taste of Armageddon)
Warner Bros. did a focus group for Babylon 5. Peeled of 20 folks for an in-room review, the rest of us watching through mirrored glass. One guy hates the show vehemently, keeps saying it's not science fiction. Finally the guy running the group says, "Could you tell us what you feel is an example of good science fiction?"
And the guy says, "Power Rangers."
"I damn near went through the glass at him." - J. Michael Straczynski
"I think the season 6 opening would be just a still, unmoving camera focused on me, collapsed at my desk...." - J. Michael Straczynski
"My goal: to blow up your subwoofer" - J. Michael Straczynski
"Any character can die. However, if I killed Ivanova, Claudia would kill me. Mutually assured destruction." - When asked if any character could still die, in the face of several women fans (friends of the question asker) would quit watching if Ivanova were killed. 11 October 1996 in the IRC chat
"One odd thing...seems like any time I have to leave Burbank airport, I end up going out of and returning in via gate B5." - J. Michael Straczynski
"Will I write a Season 6 ? I dunno, I go back and forth on an almost hourly basis. Basically, I think either it'll work, or it'll start a massive war in a region noted for a resentful populace and any number of leftover nukes." - J. Michael Straczynski
"For the life of me, I STILL don't what some people see in a bunch of big sweaty loud-mouthed men in fluorescent spandex throwing each other around a ring!" - Brian Enjo
"Sorry, I'm lost, I didn't know that the subject had changed to Congress...." - J. Michael Straczynski
-- [rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5] Re: More Crusade Rumors... 3 Feb 99
"Straczynski, pronounced just right and with the proper force behind it, can actually strike a cow dead at twenty paces." - JMS
"It's not like I'm hard to find...." - JMS
"You don't hide under the bed anymore?" - Philip Hornsey
"Not since the monsters moved in down there." - JMS
"Will we be seeing any of these monsters in the first season of Crusade?" - Philip Hornsey
"Depends on their agents." - JMS (19 May 1998)
"Yes, those stage doors are secured, and there are guards, and unless you're a Minbari you're not getting in."
-- On the B5 set's fire exits (2 Nov 97)
"The synopses are not for general distribution outside the TV stations; if other people are getting them, they're breaking the rules and ruining the dramatic impact of episodes by letting the shape of the episodes get out before broadcsat, and as far as I'm concerned, that entitles me to fuck with them."
-- 2 Oct 97
Re: time off
"Crystal, with all the things that've happened, if Bruce were one day transformed into a six foot lemur with a club foot and serious overbite, I feel reasonably confident that I could find some way to work it into the series."
"It's kinda like being hit in the head with a 2x4 about once every two minutes...after a while, you kinda start to like it"
-- J. Michael Straczynski (Aug 20th, 1997)
"Yes - Warners has rented a C4 cargo plane and will drop tapes all over Canada -- it will kill lots of cats, but this is a necessary sacrifice."
-- When asked if Season 5 would be seen in Canada, at RebelCon, 9 Aug 1997 [Maintainers note: Hopefully, TNT will make accomodations to also kill cats with their Season 5 broadcasts, so those of us here in the States won't be treated unfairly.]
"I think I want the china, the good silver, the portrait of Uncle Frank. And joint custody of the Vorlon." - Richard D. Bergstresser Jr.
"Vorlons are like cats, you never really own them." - JMS
-- responding to Janet Christian's suggestion that the online discussions about Claudia Christian's departure from the show read like a divorce(27 Jul 1997)
Question: "Could you have the Hansons do a cameo on Babylon 5 so you could MMMMBop them out an airlock?"
JMS: "That would require placing them in a vacuum which would be redundant."
Question: "In the Babylon 5 universe, do porn flicks involve spoo?"
JMS: "You are a thick, twisted, demented individual, please marry me." -- IRC session 30 Jun 1997
"You understand the concepts of breaking down a human psyche." - Kirk Darling
"Well, sure...I work for Warner Bros." - J. Michael Straczynski (20 Jun 97)
"You don't want to get dust into your space suit or it'll screw up the works and you'll die, which is a definite design flaw." - J. Michael Straczynski
"Retribution and revenge cuts both ways." - Gene Roddenberry (1921-1991)
"The United States Military is a fully owned subsidiary of the corporate and financial establishment. It plays no role in defending the American people. The function of today's military is to seize the world's dwindling resources through force of arms and provide a taxpayer-funded security apparatus for multi-nationals and energy giants." - Mike Whitney
"As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron." - H. L. Mencken
"The troops say the Iraq experience has changed the way they see the world and their place in it. It also has altered their outlook on such American traditions as the approaching Memorial Day holiday." - Michael Martinez
"From space I saw Earth indescribably beautiful with all the scars of national boundaries gone". ~ Muhammed Ahmad Faris, Syrian Astronaut
"The first day, we pointed to our countries. Then we were pointing to our continents. By the fifth day we were aware of only one Earth". ~ Sultan Bin Salmon al-Saud, Saudi Arabia - Astronaut.
"Warning to George W! The red phone does not reach Bat-Man." - Greg Tobey (This hour has 22 minutes)
"Americans are looking ahead to a future where wars are not messed up, where reckless expenditure is reined in, where "White House competence" is not an oxymoron." - Justin Webb; BBC News, Washington. 13 May 2006
Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
- Laurence J. Peter
TIME TO LAUGH !
President Mugabe is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes.
They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader ask the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a war vet comes along and knocks him dead with a log, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Mugabe," that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mugabe searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a Zimbabwe Air Force jet carrying Mr Mugabe were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Mugabe. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yes, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions...
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds...
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust...
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
NOW ITS TIME TO REALLY LAUGH !
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
******************************
P: Testflight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
***********************************
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
**************************
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*************************
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 2100feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
********************************
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
**********************
P: DME, volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME, volume set to more believable level.
*******************************
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
***************************
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
******************************
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
********************
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*******************************
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
**********************************
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
**********************
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*************************
And the best one for last .................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
DO NOT MEDDLE .....
Do not meddle in the affairs of artists, for this is satire. A few mouse clicks in a photo Editor can have you looking good in lingerie and bondage.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good dipped in chocolate.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
Do not meddle in the affairs of Vorlons, for they are angry and too quickly subtle.
Do not meddle in the affairs of Unix, for it is subtle and quick to core dump.
Do not meddle in the affairs of witches, for you shall become small and green and go 'ribbit'.
Do not meddle in the affairs of Ninja. Ever.
Do not meddle in the affairs of Chuck Norris. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you are only seconds away from death.
Do not meddle in the affairs of White wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.
Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are kludgy and can reformat your hard drive
Do not meddle in the affairs of system admins, for they are easy to annoy, have the root password; are quick to anger and have no need for subtlety.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cyborgs for you are conductive and can support 110 volts.
Do not meddle in the affairs of professors, for they are subtle and quick to flunk you.
Do not meddle in the fashions of wizards, for they are seasonal and quick to fall out of forbidden. |
