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Damn, i got a call yesterday at work only to find out that I was being evicted. Yeah I had like 5 hours to get my shit out before they came and locked the doors. The sheriff and the realtor saw a joint roach in the ash tray and I had a mad collection of liquor bottles that I have been collecting over the years and they said that my house was a crash house. Yeah b/c of all that shit. But the original reason they came by was b/c they said we weren't paying rent which to my knowledge I thought we were, but we dont have to come up with rent this month which is a huge relief. Now i just have to find a place to live. My ex is bitching b/c I had to move my stuff into his little bitty house. So now I have to get a storage thingy so I can put my shit in it. Yeah what a dick. I thought he was supposed to be my friend. I mean he didn't even help me get my shit out. I had like 5 hours to get all of my shit out. All of it. Not to mention I had other people living with me and they had a lot of shit too. Yeah yesterday sucked. I had to miss work today and yesterday, I'm going to be so fucking broke its not even funny. But other than that I'm okay. Umm, my angel, he is being different, maybe I'm being different. I just dont know how to act around him b/c I'm still trying to adjust to the fact that now everything I do is going to either count against me or with me. He finally told me I had a chance, and we kiss a lot and... Stuff. its so awesome, I love him so much. i'm so scared that i'm going to mess up and he's going to see who I really am, which I feel like he already has but he swears that I'm a good person. So I dont know. I'm here at his house, for the moment trying to figure everything out. i'm so crazed. This life I'm living is insane, first my roomies are selling drugs and then I get evicted which in a sense was a good thing bc I was moving anyways. B/c of my roomies and my suspicions. this is insane. OH yeah did i mention that before i even got home that they had changed the locks to house. That's fucked up!!! Also now I'm just waiting to hear three little words from James, I love you.

Here I am sitting on my ass, in front of yet another computer. I begin to wonder if I have a life. I mean I do but its not much of one and I really need to improve its course of direction. So for the past week i have been house sitting for James. Him and his wife are in ca with his best friend. Yeah he called me the other day and was like we can't find my friend. Can you get me the number for me. I was like yeah sure. I never did. But what really pissed me off was when he was trying to get off the phone with me, and I'm like hurting some kind of bad by now, its been a good minute since i've seen him. I know he's over there with her and tomorrow is the big day. The day he tells her to leave, well supposedly. I know there are few people wondering if he is really going to go through with it.. Including him. I dont think he will. I just have this aching feeling in my stomach when I think about it. I mean how do you start a conversation like that right after you just back from your supposed to be honeymoon/vacation. Tell me isn't there something wrong with this picture. I mean she cheated on him. And they still take their damn honeymoon. They are getting a divorce... And it still happened. I mean what the fuck? But ne ways like I was saying, he was on the phone with me and he said something about having to get off b/c of his long distance minutes where running out. So... After that he said that she was giving him this look of you need to get off the phone. Which to this fucking day I still dont understand why it matters. cliff doesn't even understand why it matters. What is she supposed to expect you to be nice to her all the time, i mean she did fuck up seriously. Worse then you. I swear this whole thing is so fucking stupid. But she gave him the look and then he felt the need to tell me and I was like okay. and then he laughed b/c she was like I didn't not. He told me that too!! God I want to scream some bad things right now. I have been steaming over this for the past week now. He supposed to call me tomorrow but things seem so different now. LIke my mind has been questioning my hearts desires. Do i really want this? I dont know, i haven't seen him since he left and I loved him so much then but when I heard about his trip and how they couldn't find his buddy. That sent me through the roof. But oh well. You know what he didn't even ask me if i was okay, like how are things going here at the house and my house. A lot of bad shit has been going down at my house. I'm under a lot stress. I mean seriously all i've wanted from him these past 3 months was for him to be there for me. Just once and not worry about what she was going to think.. He's so ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm to easily used for my goodness. My heart is bigger than my reason and thus people take advantage of that. Why do people have to be so fucking low? James is being, I dont know how to explain. I need him to be here for me but he has his issue with his wife. OH yeah by the way she is back and things are really bad and they are getting a divorce, no cause of me. I had nothing to do with it. Its funny how I thought I would be the cause and i wasn't. I do truly hate her so much and I think what he is doing is stupid. I wish he would just come out and say how he feels me. I know I have asked him to say these things before, but that was before this shit happened and he couldn't say anything. But he never even emails me anymore, and he says that its b/c he's been so busy with shit at home. God I feel like i'm being used and taken for granted, but heaven forbid I leave him, b/c my love for him grows stronger everyday. I'm starting to fall in love with everything. I mean everything. I notice stuff that I didn't before and its breath taking or it takes me back. He's just so amazing. And I know that I go crazy on him all the time and have said things to him, that would make him never want to be with me. But I have tried to explain to him that if he would just take me and save me from this. Tell me he loves me and wants to be with me. That I wouldn't be this way b/c then I would be happy. The only reason why I go crazy is b/c I hurt and that b/c I can't be with him. I can't wake up to him and go to sleep, safely in his arms. I can't tell him I love him whenever and I kiss him whenever I want. I can't see him smile whenever I want, I can't hear his voice, his laughter, his sarcasm. I mean everything. It just fills me with so much joy and happiness its unbelieveable. He makes me laugh so much. I hate crying and getting upset around him, even though I do it all the time. I hate it so much but I just wish I could have him, and that he would feel the same way about me that I do about him. And seeing him and feeling this way and know he doesn't fucking hurts. My life is going down hill, I have to make some major decision about my directions and where I'm going. I'll post later after I know it is safe to write about it. Hope everything works out with this shit.