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Rave Culture was pretty sweet last night. There was cyber goth strippers, but unfortunatly not very attractive haha And there was a fight between them and some other skanky cyber haha yay! There was the usual light show stuff.

My face is peeling off! Stupid dermatologist neglected to tell me the gel was actually a chemical peel so now my skin is flaking off, my flesh is literally burned and it hurts. woo hoo

So I've come to realize via a good friend, that I've always just settled in life. As far as my relationships are concerned I've always gone out with those I knew I was smarter than and all that and now that I've met someone who is well, 'good enough' for me, not to be pretentious, I'm a wreck! I'm nervous and speechless, which is a first, I talk a lot heh. This is the first person I've met that makes me feel intellectually inferior! The first time we cuddled I was shaking uncontrollably. It was ridiculous, I feel like a stupid little girl, I can't find anything to say. UGH! He makes me anxious and crazy. And on top of that, Im so worried I'm not good enough for him, not thin enough and all that.



Yes I complain about these things a lot but its almost therapuetic, so please humor me and forgive me poor spelling.

Now that Im moving on, my new found freedom is glorious. Not being limited by someone is refreshing. And I'm having so much more fun. It's like the world can see single written on my forehead haha. I was out last night and this guy bought me shots. That has neve happened before. And this old friend of mine is being friendly teehee. Which is great because I've always thought he was so freaking hot. Life is great.



Tom had called me last night and I asked him if he got a ride to this show the other night which I was going to drive him to but I didn't want to see him so he said he'd get a ride. He didn't find one so I said I felt bad, he gave me some attitude so I said fuck you. Hahaha I always wanted to tell him off ^^.



I win!

Well it's over. It's really over. He's gone. I am left with my memories and shadows of the past to mull things over. To try and find some reason to it. Why he lost interest and drove me away. I find an errie lack of emotion today. Just nothingness. I've shed so may tears for him I can no longer cry. I almost wish I could.

I realized something last night. Im not in love. Im in love with what he and I used to be. How things used to be. All these memories, sneaking out at night to meet under the train tracks and walk the warm summer nights, and kiss under the oak tree behind the school untill three in the morning. How he used to touch my face and tell me Im beautiful. When those three little words really meant something. They way he used to look at me. Those butterflies in my stomach. But now it's so different and I was so blinded and enamored. I can't imagine him belonging to anyone else, or any other touching him, or even looking at him. But I guess I need to let go, I deserve to be treated better.

Start whinning mode:

Im going to vent my frustrations and say, Im so lonely! I feel so unloved as of late, and I know my friends and family love me but I've been only seeing tom once a week at best. I don't want to lose him or let him go, he's mine. Forever. Creepy, yes. Obsessive, maybe so. Even crazy ol bats like me need love once in while!