The Darwin Awards.12:30 Feb 19 2019
Times Read: 793
I'm sure I have mentioned the Darwin Awards before, it is basically about humans so stupid that you are thankful that they got themselves killed, basically doing y'all a favor by removing themselves from the proverbial gene pool.
Here is a few I copy-pasted from the site. Enjoy.
*1
"Confirmed True by Darwin
(18 December 2018. Maryland). Like a plot out of Sherlock Holmes, officials found a dead body mysteriously crumpled at the bottom of an UP-escalator at an Amtrak station at the New Carrollton stop at 2AM.
Perplexed and with no eccentric fictional detective to call, officials did the next best thing. They watched the CCTV cameras. The footage showed the man running UP the DOWN escalator shortly after midnight. When he reached the top, no doubt out of breath, he lost his balance and tumbled backward, falling all the way down the moving stairs and hitting his head smartly at the bottom.
The Darwin Awards editors love to run up the down escalator. Even more fun is running down the up escalator. Remember when Mom told you to stop horsing around on the escalators? Well, you do now!
Pieces of clothing were found stuck in the escalator when news crews arrived on the scene, and fabric may have been a factor in the fumble. The death did not impact train service, and no trains were running at the time of the tumble. "
*2
"(5 May 2018, Odisha, India) Driving home from a wedding, Prabhu Bhatara idled the car on the roadside to relieve himself in the woods. From a squatting position he spied an INJURED bear--but instead of calling the authorities to help the bear, he opted to get a #selfie with the distressed animal.
Meanwhile, instead of intervening, the passengers in his car pulled out their mobiles and filmed the carnage...
As he neared the bear, the passengers advised him against his plan. Mr. Bhatara, however, was determined to fulfill his selfie mission. Once he was within reaching distance, though, the bear was not as injured as it seemed (or it was just having a bad hair day) and lunged forward, pinning Mr. Bhatara to the ground, "killing him on the spot," according to Forest ranger Dhanurjaya Mohapatra.
Then, perhaps disgusted at this epic display of homo-sapien apathy, a stray dog joined the fray in an attempt to save the man, and tried to fight off the bear! The bear, however, seemed to believe that the world had one too many selfie-seeking humans and finished off poor Mr. Bhatara.
According to media reports, once the body was retrieved, forest officials treated the bear for its injuries. The dog, although probably still disgusted, was unharmed. "
*3
"(3 September 2018, New Zealand) Sometimes the fastest method results in the deadliest outcome. The tale of Howard Miller, 39, professional welder and Darwin Award Winner, illustrates the pitfalls of ignoring high school chemistry with a time-saving invention.
Always helpful, Miller spent his last moments helping a friend weld an exhaust pipe onto a classic Holden Kingswood sedan. He arrived at the garage shed with an experimental welding kit: an LPG bottle, similar to a propane tank, in which he had mixed both components that make up oxy-acetylene welding gas: acetylene and oxygen.
Now, that last detail should send a shiver down any welder's spine! Professional welders know that these components are kept in separate tanks because, when combined, they burn hot enough to cut metal. A tank of mixed acetylene/oxygen + no flow regulator = an accident waiting to happen.
Like a scene from Breaking Bad, Mr. Miller had unwittingly constructed a lethal explosive!
Once Miller unveiled his jury-rigged device, his friend regognized this dangerous equation and repeatedly warned that it was crazy! Finally he high-tailed it out of the shed while Miller, undeterred by a bit of panic, attachec a torch head straight onto the bottle and lit the welding tip.
Sans regulator, the flame crept back into the bottle and the inevitable explosion flattened the shed, which also contained about twenty litres of paint thinner and gasoline. The force of the explosion was so intense it shattered the windows of neighboring properties.
Needless to say, the friend is in need a new car.
The deceased winner, a gentle and generous man, would surely be grateful to know that no one else was hurt in the fracas. And as a consolation prize, his tragic experiment will benefit others by demonstrating a potential consequence of skipping chemistry class. "
*4 This one really made me laugh.
"(27 Nov 2018, Arizona) The Buckeye Police Department reports that a man accidentally shot his own sausage while shopping in the meat aisle at Walmart. Arizona law does not require a permit (nor a holster for that matter) to carry a firearm, so our hero felt free to carry his piece "commando-style" (unholstered) beneath his waistband. When the unholstered gun drifted down into his jeans, he reached in and pulled the trigger while repositioning his weapon. This loose cannon's low hanging fruit didn’t have a chance. Firearm supporters can add this event to the arsenal of ammunition against gun control. Guns really do make a difference.
Darwin Award? Odds are, our gun nut (pun intended) shredded his ability to breed and wins the uncommon Living Darwin Award: still alive but unable to reproduce. Otherwise, his reward is an Honorable Mention -- "better luck next time." We await further information. "
*5
"(14 November 2018, Andaman Islands, India) John Allen Chau, a self proclaimed world explorer inspired by Livingston and Jesus, was killed by the very tribe of natives he was offering eternal life. According to the BBC in Delhi, Chau bribed six fishermen to ferry him to the off-limits island so he could offer the Sentinelese tribe gifts of scissors, a soccer ball, and Jesus.
In a letter he wrote to his family, this Vancouver resident and Alabama native said he wanted to make contact with the 60,000 year old tribe because "The eternal [life] of this [Sentinelese] tribe is at hand."
He paddled to the island in a kayak and was immediately "attacked by arrows but continued walking," stated the global news agency AFP. The fishermen then witnessed the natives "tying a rope around his neck and dragging his body" along the shore. They were clearly rejecting his gifts.
The tribe, the most isolated on earth, has taken a well documented, zero tolerance approach to visitors since a British occupation almost wiped them out during the 1800's. It's no surprise Chau's remains remain unrecovered.
Was he a martyr as friends claim on Instagram? a missionary according to his parents? or just a selfish selfie seeker? or a genocidal maniac bringing the tribe life threatening disease, as his bible quote from Revelations 7 indicates? He said he wanted to "see them around the throne of God worshiping in their own language as Revelation 7:9-10 states." We'll never truly know the answer, since the tribe doesn't seem to have updated their social media accounts in quite some time. "
*6
"(22 July 2018, New South Wales AU) The ban on shopping bags has taken a terrible toll. A 58-year-old woman was run over by her Mazda CX7 after she pulled over to check whether the grocery bags were in the trunk. The car, evidently not secured by the parking brake, ambled backwards along Ambleside Drive in Castle Hill and killed the wee woman. A little mistake, a mere bagatelle, caused such a tragedy! News reports failed to reveal whether shopping bags were, in fact, inside the vehicle. "
*7
"(20 February 2018, Poland) Darwin Double! After a road collision near Stary Krzew, two men emerged from their damaged cars and began arguing. The argument grew into a physical fight...then shrank down to bloodstains on the asphalt when the men lurched into the adjacent lane of traffic. A lorry weighed in on the fight, permanently terminating the road-rage between a 29-year-old from Krakow and a 40-year-old from Zambrów,
Victims of their own aggression, the men are Poster Children for Meditation Outreach. "
*8
"(June 2017, Russia) In a tale of Russian intelligence--or lack thereof--an amorous couple died while procreating in the back seat of their Russian-made Niva SUV situated near a beautiful lake. "Situated" rather than "parked" because the vehicle transmission was in neutral. The rocking motions of the passengers, Mr. Chernov and Ms. Kryuchkova, caused the small SUV to roll into the lake and below the waterline, whereupon the 22-yar-old man and woman were drowned. "
9*
"It was not traffic he was trying to beat...
(22 January 2016, Michigan) Referred to as a "distracted driver," Clifford Ray Jones, 58, was driving without pants -- without seatbelt -- and with a porno flick screening on his mobile device. Add a wide-open sunroof on a cold winter Sunday, and you have a recipe for disaster.
He should have kept his hands on the wheel instead of the stick. In the wee hours (at 3:40am) Clifford's Toyota went out of control on the onramp to I-75, rolled, and crashed, ejaculating our hero through the sunroof in a spectacular climax to his life. Come and gone, Clifford and his beloved wanky will be fondly remembered in our archives. "
*10
"Confirmed True by Darwin
(17 September 2014, Pakistan) Two correspondents nominated the gullible acolyte who volunteered to be killed and resurrected by a holy man--and not a holy man who was experienced with the procedure, but a beginner who thought he'd give it a whirl!
For five years a popular Sufi had been performing miracles for villagers in Mubarakabad. Now he was ready to increase the stakes to a full resurrection. But he was not interested reviving any old corpse--the novice naturally preferred to breathe life back into fresh meat. So the Sufi put Word out to his followers that he wanted to kill and revive a faithful man--a faithful married man--a married man with children! The Sufi seemed to be stacking the deck to resurrect a person with a strong incentive to return, a person with no desire to malinger in death. And in the grip of an overwhelmingly obvious Darwin Moment, 40-year-old Muhammad Niaz stepped up and volunteered to be murdered the very next day.
Lest anyone claim that Muhammad was mentally ill, which would disqualify him from a Darwin Award, please remember that resurrection by saints is an idea that is popular in Christianity as well. Bible verse Matthew 10:8 says that Jesus commanded his acolytes, "Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse lepers, cast out demons," and Catholic saints have been recorded as performing the miracle of raising the dead.
On Tuesday the idea was announced, on Wednesday the follower was killed, and on Thursday the overly optimistic Sufi was behind bars for murder. Generally no Darwin Awards are given for murder, but in this case the acolyte volunteered for the scheme and earned his just reward. "
Stupidity is strong with the human race, makes me want get out the "peacemaker" and smash some kneecaps.
There is probably a dozen if not more contenders here on VR. "oh I'm a vampire, I will just drink some blood" and then you die from blood poisoning due to its toxicity or end up with some disease. Please do hurry up remove yourself from the population, it gets very tiring shaking one's head and face palming at such antics.
While I have found random violence no longer holds much meaning for me anymore, as it doesn't make much difference in the grand scheme of things, I would still happily fracture the skulls of the severly stupid, if only so I don't have to see or hear them anymore.
Admittedly sometime stupid antics can be funny, but usually only if they end up injuring or killing the idiot doing the antics.
COMMENTS
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Dakotah
22:29 Feb 20 2019
Darwin disapproves.