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these tears just flow out of me

like a river.

a sign of weakness,

but i cant hold up my wall when

it comes to the memories.

they flood my mind, and

make me miss you more

and more everytime that i think about them..



i loved you so much,

because you where the best person in

my life..

and then i lost you at such a young age.

my life changed with

just one phone call.



9 years later,

and the memory is still fresh

from the last time that i ever

saw you alive.

smiling, laughing, and healthy.



i was to young at the time

to understand that you where sick,

but then again,

you were good at hiding it from

everyone too.



you never let anything get you down...

and you always knew just the

right thing to do to make anyone

smile even if you whernt feeling your best.



the memory of loosing you

is still the most painful.

these tears sting my eyes,

and my cheeks.



the tears of blood,

and sting of the knife against

my wrist,

is still nothing compared to

the pain of loosing you.



for some reason,

not even these crimson tears

are taking away the pain.

there are moments in life,

that i just want to end all of the pain

and just be with you.



but i cant. because i

feel you here, with me

watching me.

and making sure that nothing happens.

because i know that you

dont want me wtih you.

which kills me more then anything.



because if there is a god,

its said that he was going to make

you all better, and healthy looking again.

but i wonnt believe it tilli see you



these tears of salt and

these tears of crimson

arent taking away the pain.

i just want all the tears to end.

because i want you back

or to be with you.



but neither is possible right now.

i just hate this so much.

i miss you more then you know.



i still carry our picture around. i was

only 3 when the picture was taken.

but i carry it around with me

because i feel you attached to that

picture.

i feel you near when ever i

hold our picture in my hands



i miss you Grandpa :(



RIP February 28th, 2oo3

(poem)



hiding who i am.

hiding is killing me.

i feel like i am about to burst...



tired of wearing a mask for those around me.

the love of the darkness, as opposed to the

light is starting to come through.



no where to express who i am...

i am about to burst.

the mask is starting to crack.



the light is fading,

and the dark is comming through.

the true me, is about to be seen.



feeling nervous,

but not about being judged.

feeling nervous about the unknown.



jumping in head first

into the dark relm, because

i know this is where i belong.



no more mask, no more hiding.

everyone is looking.

i know they are judging.



they can see the darkness around me

and some are running,

but i dont care.



the real me is out there,

and now everyone can see that.

no more hiding.



the mask is laying down

on the ground in peices,

it was falling off to slowly.



i ripped it off,

and now everyone can see me

for who i really am.

im fighting this life,

fighting the soul of mine.

not knowing what i want anymore,

and my body breaking.

i am sinking

in a dark abis, and no one

can pull me out,

because i am in to deep.

lost here,

where am i? what am i supposed to now?

all alone,

fighting against the dark

fighting against the light.

dont want to leave,

because for once,

i have a chance for just me.

but i guess that this

is where i should be.

the darkness is calling out to me,

and the light is fading away.

this is my time.

no more fighting,

no more trying.

i guess that this is the time

the time that for me join the darkness,

and time for me to die.

because there is nothing left

here for me.

tired of fighting,

and tired of trying.

just dont know what to do any more.

so i am going to embrace the darkness,

and welcome the death of the light of my old soul,

and welcome the darkness of my new soul..



now that i have the soul

of the darkness,

i feel better.

i feel like the fight is over.

that i have won this battle,

and my time is now.

the new me, is ready to start out the day

and embrace this feeling.

the darkness that once was light,

feel so much better.

i feel more like me.

its been almost 9 years since you have left..

and its so painful to even think that its been that long.

you where my bestfriend, and i was young.

i still hold tight

a picture of you,

its the only one that i have.



there has been times that i swear

that you where here,

even after you death.

i cant help but feel

like you are here,

watching over me.



been almost 9 years since you where

gone, and i can remember the time,

when i used to be your little girl

a prissy little thing,

and i was the apple of your eye.



after i lost you,

things started to change.

the color started to fade.

with out you,

i just dont know what to do.