23:53 Oct 20 2024
Times Read: 298
I've always known that I missed out on some stuff because of putting myself on hold. My last two years in high school was a mixture of work. some friend time and then being available for my mom when she was going through Chemo and her surgeries. Once the surgeries were done and she went into remission, I was graduated. I took a year and then went to cosmetology school. Once I became licensed, I went back and took the extra hours to be certified as a instructor.
I never did get a chance to become fully certified because months after I finished, my mom died. I was 22. Just turning 23, my partner and I moved in together. Excited to start out 'newly engaged' life. hah. What a shit show. It was so toxic. I moved back a little over a year later.
Then at 24.. my dad was hit head on by a drunk driver. I stopped looking for work and became his caretaker for over a year. They had to reattach his foot. That means pins, and metal and stitches, incisions, infections and so on and so forth. This wasn't my first time with incisions. My I had helped my mom with one of her surgeries when I was 17. It became infected because of the area it was in. So, I knew the general idea of how to care for wounds and the like. However, dealing with rods and things that look like bbq skewers coming out of someone's foot is a totally different experience. Rehabilitation was difficult. He was in the mindset of poor me. At that time I'm sure he was also dealing with depression from my mom and the accident along with PTSD. But those were different times.
I tried to fit my social party time and debauchery into the time slots that I could. It wasn't easy, but I did it. lol
At that time I was also going through my own health stuff. I talked to Dr.'s. They would give me the run around and blame one thing when it wasn't that. Finally it just got to be where I dealt with it. It was difficult trying to care for someone when I was having issues with my back and then at random times would just.. lose feeling and mobility from the waist down.
Fast forward to 2006 and there I am needing emergency surgery because I was paralyzed from the waist down and the lower half of my body just... shut down. Nothing prepares you for the sentence 'We don't know if you will ever walk again. You are compressed from your L-1 through L-4 lumbar area". At first it was crushing. Then, I said.. Watch me. I did.. a few days after surgery I was walking with a walker and leg braces. Cauda Equina is rare. Just in case someone is like WTF is that. That's what was going on then, and some of the issues I'm handling to this day. I'm open about it. I don't shy away from questions because.. it's part of who I am. -shrugs-
From about 2006 to a few years ago, when my dad passed, I was on hold. I was still trying to navigate a new way of living while keeping an eye on someone who was close, and at the end did, self destruct with not caring for them self. Now that I look at it though, a lot of him died the day my mom died. I just didn't realize it until I became older.
There are things I'm leaving out that have also molded me into who I am today. I just don't feel like hashing it all out. That's what therapy is for. heh.
With all of that I missed out on those experiences a lot of people get to have while growing up. The figuring out what they want to do with their life and making it happen. Then all the sordid tales that come along with it. I mean I do have numerous sordid tales, but it could have been a lot more. lol Then figuring out who I was as a person. I've never really been closeted with my sexuality. I mean let's be honest, there is no way I could have kept it a secret with how flamboyant I am. lol Even after talking with my friend about some recent discoveries, I've been friends with her and her husband for over 20 years, since cosmetology school, her first words were "I'm not at all surprised. That's why you've always been my friend. You are you with no excuses." That hit me in the feels.
I've always been on the outside of the 'norm' and I will never apologize for being who I am.
It's also made me become even more selective about who I invite into my life and just how far I allow them in. It's also made me selective about how I choose to use my time. I don't play games. I don't do the wishy-washy b.s. I have no desire to pretend and be inauthentic. I don't have the time or the patience to say one thing and mean another. Which is why I'm pretty straight (heh in some cases) forward when approached with certain things.
So, yeah, I've missed out on things and now I've come to realize I don't have the time to miss out on them anymore. And really, I don't WANT to miss out on them anymore. Hence, my 'to-do- list of things to get done and do.
Realization can be a bitch. It just depends on how much of 'that bitch' are you going to let rule and control you.
Okay, done with my stream of consciousness.
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