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9 entries this month
22:14 Nov 20 2024
Times Read: 15
That was one of the oddest readings I've had for myself in a long time. I don't know what to make of it. It could be because I'm off with not feeling well. But I dunno, because it doesn't really 'feel' like that's the case. If that was the case, I don't think it would have been so cohesive in its flow.
Odd. Coursier and coursier.
03:43 Nov 20 2024
Times Read: 44
The version of me at this time last year would never of thought I'd be where I am today. I never thought I'd be in school getting a certificate, with ability to go for my associates, in Graphic Design. I never thought that on top of that I'd be going to school for a Life Coach certification. The ball is rolling on that program. I went and filled out the paperwork yesterday. I'm just waiting for the final approval. If me now were to tell me then 'just wait...you'll bloom', the me then would have laughed and said 'yeah, right'. She never would have thought she'd find herself with people who love and care about her. Or that she'd find herself randomly smiling because a thought of them crossed her mind.
The me then was so fractured. She was so closed off. She was so... alone. She closed down because she didn't think she deserved. She didn't think she deserved to be treated well. She didn't think she deserved to have joy. She didn't think she deserved love. She just didn't think she deserved at all. I look at her now and all I can think is "She was so sad because she thought she was broken. People made her feel like she was broken." I didn't realize how much healing I needed to do for myself. I didn't realize I still carried the pain of lost family, broken friendships, abusive friendships, abusive relationships, toxic relationships and just so much. I shoved it down. Covered it with a smile and thought that would make things go away. It didn't. Not even close.
I remember the darkness I was in. It had started to take a toll on not only my mental health, but my psychical as well. I felt so hollow, so empty, I thought I was dying. In a way I was. I knew I couldn't continue on like that. I think part of me knew if I just continued on like that, I wouldn't make it. That even if my body was still alive, I as a person, would be just a shell of who I used to be. The only reason I lasted for as long as I did was because someone loved me enough over the years, then and now, to stick by me.
I stepped away from here for awhile. I needed to. I knew the ones that mattered would understand. With that I began to heal. There were times I didn't know if I was going to come back. There were situations that left a stain for me for a very long time. Because I let those situations erode my self esteem, I couldn't see past that stain. While the stains still maybe there, they are easier to look past now. They don't taint it like they once did.
Also, those stains have become overshadowed by things that are so much more wonderful. Things I never would have thought. Now, the thought of not having them pains me. It's funny how that random moment of coming back led me to this moment right now.
And all I can do it just sit here and smile and think to myself.. "this.. all of this.. is so right."
05:30 Nov 17 2024
Times Read: 79
I've started to keep the tarot deck I use for just myself next to me. There are times I just get that random feeling to pick them up. Since it's happening more frequent it is easier to keep them within reach.
I can't describe how amazing it feels to see each reading flowing towards a positive outcome. Even with certain road bumps, the outcome always flows towards an excellent journey.
The journey feels so right and I couldn't be happier with it. It feels really good.
Like really, really good.
Maybe even fuckin' amazing. :)
I
04:41 Nov 14 2024
Times Read: 112
Sometimes those feelings just come from nowhere, somewhere, everywhere. They hit so hard they can rock you to your core. And there is nothing you can do but just feel them. Then when you think the moments have passed, they roll through again. Taking even more than what they did before.
Becoming so familiar with silence is both a blessing and a curse. Sometimes I'm not sure which one it is more of.
19:39 Nov 12 2024
Times Read: 176
I need to breath.
So help me.. so fucking help me.. if you try to fuck up this like you did the last friendship, it will not be pretty. It won't succeed, but try me. I just found out fully what happened during a certain situation I only knew a few details to. Fucking trash actions.
I would trust a rusty nail through my foot to not give me tetanus before you.
I need to go find something to do. My fuse is way, way too short today.
02:17 Nov 08 2024
Times Read: 213
My laptop came today for school.
It's...so small. It's a Dell Latitude. I forgot what it's like to type on a laptop that is small and doesn't have the higher graphics card. I have school orientation Saturday. Then there is another I must attend. I'm like shit.. I gotta look presentable. Well, from the waist up. hah. Noooo Paaannnts for meeeeee!
I need to work on navigating the class site. I started to look, but I am just so... I cannot focus tonight. I am excited and nervous. I forgot how amazing it is to have people who want to share in your happiness and support you. It makes this so much better. My heart is just filled with so much joy.
Over the years I've become so.. hyper-independent. I always have been, but it's gotten to that that extreme point. I never want to be a bother. I never want to interrupt people in case they are busy. I never want someone to think of me as a burden. I'm starting to get a little better with certain people, but they still can trigger at random times. There are times I don't even realize I'm in that headspace. It just happens. Okay, enough of that tangent.
I'm babbling. I need sleep.
22:03 Nov 05 2024
Times Read: 277
I need an attitude adjustment today.
And not just a 'sit in time out' kind of adjustment.
Holy Jeebus.
00:23 Nov 05 2024
Times Read: 319
It's all fun and games until you remember you have to put together a bookcase and end tables.
Tomorrow is going to be filled with way more swearing than normal.
16:34 Nov 02 2024
Times Read: 374
Sleep is the only time I fully relax. All through the day there at least some part of my body is always tense. Mostly I carry that tenseness in my neck.
The past few days have been filled with a lot of self doubt and uncertainty in myself. I think more than I realized. I noticed last night when I wasn't paying attention I kept almost 'hugging' myself. I was like eh.. I'm tired.
Go to bed and when I drift off, my body automatically curled into a semi fetal position. I would uncurl my body.. start to drift again and find myself curled up once more.
That's when I realized it was a response to the past few days. I didn't even realize the feeling of shutting down and going into protective mode. It's so second nature at this point.
I feel like I didn't sleep at all. My body is so tight, my neck I can barely move. It maybe an edible night because this is unpleasant.
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