The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Sometimes people come into your life & you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or help you figure out who you are & or who you want to become.



You never know who these people may be (possibly your roommate, neighbor, professor, long lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger), but when you lock eyes with them, you know at the very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.



And sometime things will happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, & unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming these obstacles that you would have never realized your true potential, strength, will power, or heart.



Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by mean of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness & sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul.



Without this small test, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe & comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.



The people that you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you will become,



Even the bad experiences are learned from. In fact, they are the most poignant ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love & how to open your heart & eyes to things.

Make everyday count. Appreciate every moment & take from those moments everything you could possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before & actually listen... Let yourself fall in love again, break free, and set your sights high.

Hold your head up because you have every right too.

Tell yourself that you are a great individual & believe in yourself. For if you don't believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you. You can make your life anything you wish.....Create your own life & then go out & live it with absolutely NO REGRETS. Most importantly, if you love someone tell him or her, for you NEVER know what tomorrow may have in store. And learn a lesson in life each day you live.

Today is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday.... Was it worth it?

COMMENTS

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hannahrose
07:58 Apr 04 2013

I COULDNT HAVE SAID THIS BETTER! I AGREE WITH YOU 100%

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POST COMMENT

FUN REFLECTIONS ON LIFE!



1. Never raise your hands to your kids.

It leaves your groin unprotected.



2. I'm not into working out.

My philosophy is no pain, no pain.



3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.



4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.



5. Do you think illiterate people

get the full affect of alphabet soup?



6. I've always wanted to be somebody,

but I should have been more specific.



7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?



8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone

going faster than you is a maniac?



9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day

when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.



10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every

other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the

locks, they are always locking three of them.



11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends.

If they are OK, then it must be you.



12. They show you how detergent takes out bloodstains. I think if you've got a tee shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.



13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you

it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful,

but I only have photographs of her on the walls.



14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and

said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."



15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library,

the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Its funny how

you can do nice things for people

all the time

and they never notice.

But once you make one mistake,

its never forgotten.

"Be careful..the ones that make you smile are the same ones that can shatter your heart."

"Lollipops turn into cigarettes. The innocent ones turn into sluts. Homework goes in the trash. Mobile phones are being used in class. Detention becomes suspension. Soda becomes vodka. Bikes become cars. Kisses turn into sex. Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst things you could get from boys were cooties? Dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and mum was your hero? Your worst enemies were your siblings. Race issues were about who ran the fastest. War was only a card game. And the only drug you knew was cough medicine. When wearing a skirt didn't make you a slut. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? And we couldn't wait to grow up".

The ultimate measure of man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is a beauty, admire it. Life is a dream, realize it. Life is a challenge, meet it. Life is a duty, complete it. Life is a game, play it. Life is a promise, fulfill it. Life is sorrow, overcome it. Life is a song, sing it. Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tragedy, confront it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is luck, make it. Life is life, fight for it.

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.

In your life you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again, but you do...

ATTENTION TO EVERYONE WHO LIKES TO PARTY AND HAVE A CAR OR MOTORBIKE PLEASE. this might teach you a very important lesson in life.



I went to a party,

And remembered what you said.

You told me not to drink, Mom

So I had a sprite instead.

I felt proud of myself,

The way you said I would,

That I didn't drink and drive,

Though some friends said I should.

I made a healthy choice,

And your advice to me was right,

The party finally ended,

And the kids drove out of sight.

I got into my car,

Sure to get home in one piece,

I never knew what was coming, Mom

Something I expected least.

Now I'm lying on the pavement,

And I hear the policeman say,

The kid that caused this wreck was drunk,

Mom, his voice seems far away.

My own blood's all around me,

As I try hard not to cry.

I can hear the paramedic say,

This girl is going to die.

I'm sure the guy had no idea,

While he was flying high,

Because he chose to drink and drive,

Now I would have to die.

So why do people do it, Mom

Knowing that it ruins lives?

And now the pain is cutting me,

Like a hundred stabbing knives.

Tell sister not to be afraid,

Tell daddy to be brave,

And when I go to heaven,

Put Daddy's Girl on my grave.

Someone should have taught him,

That its wrong to drink and drive.

Maybe if his parents had,

I'd still be alive.

My breath is getting shorter, Mom

I'm getting really scared.

These are my final moments,

And I'm so unprepared.

I wish that you could hold me Mom,

As I lie here and die.

I wish that I could say, "I love you, Mom!"

So I love you and good-bye.

Happiness needs sadness.

Success needs failure.

Benevolence needs evil.

Love needs hatred.

Victory needs defeat.

Pleasure needs pain.



You must experience and accept the extremes. Because if the contrast is lost, you lose appreciation; and when you lose appreciation, you lose the value of everything.

*17 most important things to remember in life*



1. Never give up on anybody;miracles happen everyday.



2.Be brave even if your not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.



3. Think big thoughts, relish small pleasures.



4. Learn to listen. Opportunity sometimes knocks very softly.



5. Never deprive someone of hope, it might be all they have.



6. Strive for excellence, not perfection.



7. Don't waste time grieving over past mistakes. Learn from them and move on.



8. When someone hugs you let them be the first to let go.



9. Never cut what can be untied.



10. Don't expect life to be fair.



11. Remember:Success comes to the one that acts first.



12. Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.



13. Remember that nobody makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who help you.



14. Never underestimate the power of a kind word or deed.



15. Laugh a lot.A good sense of humor cures almost all of life's ills.



16. Don't miss the magic of the moment by focusing on whats to come.



17. Watch for big problems. They disguise big opportunities.

I've learned that we don't have to change friends,If we understand that friends change.



I've learned that something that you do in an instant, can give you heartache for life

.

I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words, it may be that last time you see them.



I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.



I've learned that either you control your attitude, or it controls you

.

I've learned that my best friend and I , can do anything or nothing and still have a good time.



I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you are down, will be the one who helps you get up.



I've learned that sometimes when i am angry i have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.



I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them too, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.



I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you learned from them, and less to do with how many years you have lived.



I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others, but sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.



I've learned that just because two people argue, doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.



I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret, it may change you life forever.



I've learned that sometimes the people that you love most in life, are taken from you too soon.



I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved, and the rest is up to them.



I've learned that no matter how much i care, some people just don't care back.



I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and just seconds to destroy it.



I've learned that it's not what you have in life, but who you have that counts.



I've learned that you can keep going, long after you think you can't.



I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.



I've learned that even when you feel you have no more to give, a friend cries out and you find the strength to help.



I've learned that our backgrounds and circumstances may have influenced our lives, but we are responsible for who we become

Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, 'cause hate in your heart will consume you too.

Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

Being sad with the right people is better than being happy with the wrong ones.

It`s funny how hello always ends with a goodbye,

it`s funny how good memories can start to make you cry.

It`s funny how forever never really seems to last,

it`s funny how much you`d lose if you forgot about your past.

It`s funny how friends can just leave you when you`re down,

it`s funny how when you need someone they`re never around.

It`s funny how people change and think they`re so much better,

it`s funny how many lies can be packed in one "love letter".

It`s funny how people forgive even though they can't forget,

it`s funny how one night can contain so much regret.

It`s funny how ironic life turns out to be

but the funniest part of all, none of that`s funny to me.

15 things you probably never knew or thought about....



1. At least five people in this world love you so much they would die for you.

2. At least fifteen people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyones would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. If not for you, someone may not be living.

8. You are special and unique.

9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.

12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.

13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget the rude remarks.

14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.

15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

Life's Highs...



1. Laughing hysterically

2. Dancing your heart out

3. Star gazing

4. Shopping

5. Going to the beach

6. Listening to the rain

7. Ice-cream on a hot day

8. Feeling wanted

9. Getting that warm, fuzzy feeling when you think about the one you love

10. ReceIving text messages

11. Personal jokes

12. ComplIments

13. Late night phone calls

14. Christmas

15. Hugs

16. Kisses

17. Knowing someone misses you

18. Knowing someone is thinking of you

19. Good dreams

20. Skipping school for a day

21. Lying on the grass starring into the sky

22. Going up to the snow

23. Jumping into a warm bed on a cold night

24. Seeing your guys/girls name on your mobile when it rings

25. Your first kiss

26. Talking for hours about absolutely nothing

27. Looking back on the laughs

28. Receiving presents

29. Giving presents

30. Birthdays

31. Air conditioning when it's hot

32. Being full of energy

33. Seeing your boyfriend/girlfriend

34. Watching someone do something stupid, and them thinking no one saw

35. Nice smelling perfume/cologne/deodorant

36. Good hair days

37. Turning on the radio to hear that your favourite song is being played

38. Running into an old friend

39. Strolling along the pier at night

40. Finding $5 on the ground

41. Being home alone

42. Reading a good magazine

43. Sun baking

44. Sleeping in

45. Watching the sun come up

46. Seeing a shooting star

47. Waking up to find the person you love in your arms

48. Weekends

49. Holidays

50. Jumping on a trampoline

51. Sitting infront on the fire on a cold evening

52. Smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies

53. Singing into your hairbrush in your room

54. Bubble baths

55. Turning up your sterio as loud as it will go

56. Being so happy it makes you cry

57. Summer

58. Finally completing somthing you started a long time ago

58. Achieving a long time goal

59. Warm nights

60. Falling in love...

I think that the only reason people hold onto memories so tight is because memories are the only things that dont change; when everybody else does.

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."

So God agreed.



On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed.



On the third day God created the cow. "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed again.



On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"



Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."



So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.



Life has now been explained to you.

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is having friends.

At age 16 success is having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is having sex.

At age 35 success is having money.

At age 50 success is having money.

At age 60 success is having sex.

At age 70 success is having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is having friends.

At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

Never allow someone to be your priority while you're just their option

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

I've learned that things change, people change, and it doesn't mean you forget the past or try to cover it up. It simply means that you move on and treasure the memories. Letting go doesn't mean giving up... it means accepting that some things weren't meant to be."

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's learning to dance in the rain.

Imagine there is a bank account that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day.

Every evening the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course?

Each of us has such a bank. It's name is TIME.

Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds.

Every night it writes off as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to a good purpose.

It carries over no balance. It allows no over draft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day.

If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no drawing against "tomorrow."

You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success!

The clock is running!! Make the most of today.



To realise the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.



To realise the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.



To realise the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.



To realise the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.



To realise the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who just missed a train.



To realise the value of ONE SECOND, ask someone who just avoided an accident.



To realise the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal at the Olympics.



Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with. And remember time waits for no one.



Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why its called the present.

You've got to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you've got, and remember what you had. Always forgive, but never forget. Learn from mistakes, but never regret.

"You can close your eyes to things you don't

want to see, but you can't close your heart to

the things you don't want to feel."

Live with no excuses and love with no regrets

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one that has opened for us.

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."

Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt and dance like no one is watching.

"I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry."

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

"Eleven Hints for Life"



1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return.

But what is more painful is to love someone and never

find the courage to let that person know how you feel.



2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who

means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was

never meant to be and you just have to let go.



3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a

porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away

feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.



4. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose

it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been

missing until it arrives.



5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an

hour to like someone, and a day to love someone-but it

takes a lifetime to forget someone.



6. Don't go for looks, they can deceive. Don't go for wealth,

even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you

smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day

seem bright.



7. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go,

be what you want to be. Because you have only one life and

one chance to do all the things you want to do.



8. Always put yourself in the other's shoes. If you feel that it

hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.



9. A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wreck

a life. A timely word may level stress. But a loving word may

heal and bless.



10. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best

of everything they just make the most of everything that comes

along their way.



11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with

a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone

around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die,

you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.

COMMENTS

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NellMorgan
01:18 Feb 25 2013

Hugs for you

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POST COMMENT

In the end, it's not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away

Let's test the way you think :-



thepenisinhermouth.



Did you read 'the pen is in her mouth'?



Nah, me neither.

Johnny and Marissa, Sitting in a Tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes an abrubt, tragic miscarriage. Then comes blame, then comes despair. Two hearts damaged beyond repair. Johnny leaves Marissa, and takes the tree, D-I-V-O-R-C-E!

a hug is the perfect gift for any occasion one size fits all...

You may not like me,

but Jesus thinks I am to die for ;)

Hate is just a special type of love that we give to people who suck!

"Dammit I'm mad"

is "Dammit I'm mad"

spelled backwards.

In school when teachers say 'Live like there is no tomorrow' If there wasn't a tomorrow do they really think we would be here?

I'm going mental- want to come with me?

It's not whether you lose, it's how much fun you HAVE losing!

Reading your best friend's status and thinking, "Ha! I know exactly who that's about!"

Fake its the latest trend and everyone seems to be in style....

Nothing is impossible. Some things just take longer to achieve

What is the clinical term for men who need viagra?

Mycoxafailure

I am very impatient with impatient people

First, love yourself. Everyone else, get in line.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bulls**t before.

Everything is so much funnier when you're not allowed to laugh.

Just because i don't hate you, doesn't mean i like you, so please go away :]

..Drunken words are Sober thoughts...

I don't talk to you anymore, because I keep telling myself that if you wanted to speak to me, you would

On front of t-shirt:



ABRACADABRA!!!



On back of t-shirt:



F***, you're still ugly.

can i PLEASE have your photograph ?

...

...

...i collect natural disasters

Some girls need to learn to NOT put on so much make-up.

Your face isn't a coloring book sweetie.



that's why i find girls looking lovely without make-up

69% of people;

find something

DIRTY

in every sentence.

Regret nothing,

Deny everything

Sorry, I can't go to hell, I have a restraining order cause I am too much of a prankster. =P

Don't drink and drive, because you might spill some!

When I fall asleep texting you, it doesn't mean I just got bored. it means I liked texting you so much that I didn't want to stop.

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. dad: son, where were u today during school hours? son:at school *Robot slaps Son* son: OK i went to the movies DAD:Which one? SON:Toy Story *he slaps son again* son: OK, it was day with a porn star dad: what. When i was your age i didn't even know what porn was! *he slaps dad* mom: HA HA! After all he's your son *he slaps mom*

A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.

When I said you couldn't get any dumber, it wasn't a challenge...

I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice got stuck in my nose

When you know why you like someone, it's a crush. When you have no reason or explanation, it's love.

You failed me when I needed you the most... stupid cell phone!!

3 men were drunk,they stopped a taxi.The taxi driver figured that they were drunk,he just switched on the engine & switched it off & told them, 'we've arrived. 'The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him.The taxi driver was stunned cause he was hoping that none of them must have realized that the car didn't move an inch.So he asked,what was that for? Control your speed next time,u almost killed us.

How many times do i have to say "excuse me" before "GET THE F**K OUT OF MY WAY" becomes acceptable?

Men are the best cooks. Because with two eggs, one sausage and a little bit of milk, he can fill a girl's tummy for nine months.

I have a friend whose status says "Suicidal - Standing on the edge of a cliff". So I poked him.

Remember my name

Remember my face

'Cause there ain't no other honey

That can take my place

Revenge? nah, I'm too lazy.

I'm gonna sit here and let karma f*** you up.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

They say.....Hollywood can't teach us anything....but.....Fergie taught me how to spell D'E'L'I'C'I'O'U'S && G'L'A'M'O'R'O'U'S..And... Bruce Almighty taught me how to spell B'E'A'U'T'I'F'U'L then Gwen stephani taugh me how to spell B'A'N'A'N'A'S



SO in your face !

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

The awkward moment when you want to laugh in a serious situation.

I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the weirdest hairdos.

If I actually did "live like there's no tomorrow". I'd be in jail. :D

I could agree with you, but then we would both be wrong.

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.





Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.







By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.





P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.



S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



*

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.



S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



*

P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit

*

P: Dead bugs on windshield.



S: Live bugs on back-order.



*

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200

feet per minute descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



*

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.



S: Evidence removed.



*

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.



S: DME volume set to more believable level.



*

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.



S: That's what friction locks are for.



*

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.



S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



*

P: Suspected crack in windshield.



S: Suspect you're right.



*

P: Number 3 engine missing.



S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

*

P: Aircraft handles funny.

(I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and

be serious.



*

P: Target radar hums.



S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



*

P: Mouse in cockpit.



S: Cat installed.



*

And the best one for last

*

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.



S: Took hammer away from midget.

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Maleficus
23:25 Feb 24 2013

Very droll. Anymore jokes?

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There are the normal ( . )( . ), the silicone ( + )( + ), the perfect (o)(o) Some are cold (^)(^) and some belong to grandmothers \./\./ And let's not forget the very large (o Y o), the very small (.)(.) and the asymmetrical ( . )(.) We love them all! Broadcast this message and say ┌П┐(◉_◉)┌П┐ to breast cancer!!SAVE THE BOOBIES!

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Isis101
22:59 Feb 24 2013

LOL! Cool!

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If you're going to get in trouble for hitting someone, might as will hit them hard.

For all of the people who talk about me,

and think it's affecting me.

It's alright, I just sit back and think to myself:

D***, I've got myself a fanclub. =P

If you're ever feeling down about yourself,like you can't do anything right,just remember;

you were once the fastest,strongest,most victorious sperm out of millions!

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NellMorgan
00:25 Feb 23 2013

XD Good point.

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Do whatever you want, and if it's something you're going to regret in the morning, sleep late

Money cant buy happiness . . . but somehow, its more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.

"Love me or leave me... Hey?!?! Where's everybody going?!?!?"

You Talk More S**t Than Your A** Can Produce

for all men who tend to forget their lover's, boy/girlfriend or wife/husband's birthday....



A diplomatic husband said to his love, " How do u expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older? "

You are slower than turtles running through peanut butter

Opportunity may knock only once

but temptation leans on the doorbell.

You should put a condom on your head, because if you're going to act like a dick, you might as well dress like one.

WORK SARCASM



1. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?

2. Do I look like a people person?

3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

8. You!... Off my planet!

9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.

10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

12. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

13. Allow me to introduce my selves.

14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.

16. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

17. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

18. I have a computer, a remote control, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

19. Not all men [women] are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

21. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

22. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

23. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

24. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

25. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

26. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

28. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

29. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

30. I plead contemporary insanity.

31. And which dwarf are you?

32. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

33. Meandering to a different drummer.

34. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Each day I get up in the morning praying to God that everyone should get a friend like you...why should only I have to suffer!

If looks could kill, You would be a weapon of mass destruction

Don't follow me, I walk into walls.

Sex is like MATH.

You ADD the bed

SUBTRACT the clothes

DIVIDE the legs

and MULTIPLY

god made rivers, god made lakes, god made you .... well we all make mistakes

You can fall from the sky, you can fall from a tree but the best way to fall is in love with me

Good Girls are only Bad girls who did not get caught!!

Ociffer. Iswear to drunk I'm not God. There's no blood in my alcohol system. That's my stuck and I'm story to it.

Womans Prayer:

Dear Lord,

I pray for wisdom to understand a man. love to forgive him and patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for strength i'll just beat him to death.

I smile because i have no idea what's going on.

Lets TOAST to Lying,Cheating, and Stealing....if your gonna Lie..Lie for a Friend. If your gonna Cheat...Cheat Death, If your gonna Steal...Steal a Heart!...If your gonna DRINK...Drink With Me!!!...Cheers.

I don't need your attitude, I have one of my own

I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to tell you how I really feel

SEX is not the answer. SEX is the question and YES is the answer!!

I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.





.......



I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.





.......





Never try to drown your troubles... Especially if he can swim.





.......



Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.





.......



Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.





.......



A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.





.......



By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a son who thinks he's usually wrong.





.......



Teachers are those who help us in resolving problems which, without them, we wouldn't have.





.......



There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.





.......



Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.





.......



There are three sides to every argument: your side,my side and the right side.





.......



An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.





.......



When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Did You Ever Wonder.....

*If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?



*Is it ok to use the AM radio after noon?



*What do you call a male lady bug?



*When a dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it.



*Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?



*Why you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?



*Why there are floatation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?



*Have you ever imagined the world without hypothectical situations?

Please don't interrupt me while im ignoring you.

Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey!

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes



Damn, I'm good at telling lies!



***



My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:



Marrying you screwed up my life.



***



I see your face when I am dreaming.



That's why I always wake up screaming.



***



Oh loving beauty, you float with grace



If only you could hide your face.



***



Kind, intelligent, loving and hot



This describes everything you are not.



***



I want to feel your sweet embrace



But don't take that paper bag off of your face.



***



My love, you take my breath away.



What have you stepped in to smell this way?



***



Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss



But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.



***

My feelings for you no words can tell



Except for maybe "Go To Hell".



***



Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and

so are you.



But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the

sugar bowl's empty and



so is your head



***



What inspired this amorous rhyme?



Two parts vodka, one part lime.

I can only please one person per day. Today isn't your day...and tomorrow don't look good either.

Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Heaven won't take me and hell's afraid I'll take over.

Don't play stupid with me...I'm better at it.

People have the right to be stupid. Some people abuse that privilege.

Someday your prince charming will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

Ways To Get To A Girls Heart-- 1. Hug her from behind. 2. Grab her hand when you guys walk next to each other. 3. When standing, wrap your arms around her. 4. Cuddle with her. 5. Dont force her to do ANYTHING! 6. Write little notes. 7. Compliment her. 8. When you hug her, hold her in your arms as long as possible. 9. Say I love you.....and MEAN IT! 10. Brush the hair out of her eyes 11. Comfort her when she cries. 12. Love her with all your heart Girls- add this if you think its sweet. Guys- add this if you would do any of it

When a GIRL is quiet,

Millions of things are running in her mind

When a GIRL is not arguing,

She is thinking deeply

When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of

questions,

She is wondering how long you will be

around

When a GIRL answers "i'm fine" after a

few seconds,

She is not at all fine

When a GIRL stares at you,

She is wondering why you are lying

When a GIRL lays on your chest,

She is wishing for you to be hers forever

When a GIRL calls you everyday,

She is seeking for your attention

When a GIRL sms's u everyday,

She wants you to reply at least once

When a GIRL says I love you,

She means it

When a GIRL says that she can't live

without you,

She has made up her mind that you are

her future

When a GIRL says "i miss you",

No one in this world can miss you more

than that.

Today I caught myself smiling for no reason... then I realized I was thinking about you

"The spaces between your fingers were created so that another's could fill them in."

"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control."

0th grade



As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.



11th grade

The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.



Senior year

The day before prom she walked to my locker. My date is sick" she said; he's not going to go well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she isn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.



Graduation Day

A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.



A Few Years Later

Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said "you came!". She said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.



Funeral

Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! `I wish I did too...` I thought to my self, and I cried.

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

WHAT EACH GESTURE MEANS:

- Holding Hands: We definitely like each other.

- Holding you tight pressed against each other: I want you.

- Looking into each others Eyes: I like you, for who you are.

- Playing with Hair: Let's fool around.

- Arms around the Waist: I like you too much to let go.

- Laughing while Kissing: I am completely comfortable with you.

10 commandments of being a teenager:



1. Thou shall not sneak out when there parents are sleeping (why wait?)



2. Thou shall not do drugs (alochol lasts longer)



3. Thou shall not steal from K-mart (Walmart has a bigger selection)



4. Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism (destruction has a bigger effect)



5. Thou shall not steal from their parents (everyone knows Grandma has more money)



6. Thou shall not get into fights (start them)



7. Thou shall not skip class (take the whole day off)



8. Thou shall not go to strip clubs (Hooters has better food)



9. Thou shall not think about having sex (like Nike says... just do it)



10. Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street (leave them in the middle)

Last night I was looking at the stars and I wondered... where the hell's my ceiling!

The problem is, God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.

When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and leave the world wondering how the hell you did it.

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?!" inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

What do I do when I see someone EXTREMELY GORGEOUS? I STARE, I SMILE, AND WHEN I GET TIRED...I PUT THE MIRROR DOWN

i'm one of those people that laughs at a joke 3 TIMES:

>>ONCE when it's told to me

>>ONCE when it's explained to me

and

>>ONCE 5 minutes later when i finally understand it

East to the Sea, West to the Land, Death to the Bi*** that touches my Man.

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'."

Subject: How to call the police



George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.



George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.



He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.



George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.



Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.



One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"



George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"



(True Story) I LOVE IT...

19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity



1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.



2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.



3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.



4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."



5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.



6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"



7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."



8. Don't Use Any Punctuation



9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.



10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.



11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."



12. Sing Along At The Opera.



13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme



14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.



15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood.



16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name "Rock Hard".



17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"



18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot,Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"



19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

LITTLE TONY FROM BROOKLYN ON MATH



A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little TONY.



He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."



The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."



Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU."



"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"



The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."



To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on'," but I like your thinking."





LITTLE TONY ON MATH



Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.



"Why?" asks the father.



"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies TONY.



"But that's right !" says his dad.



"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"



"What's the f ** king difference ?" asks the father.



"That's what I said !"





LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH



Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word ?"



Little TONY says, "Mas-tur-bate."



Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."



Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."





LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR



Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss !!"



The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'



Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."



Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN !"





LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR



One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.



First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."



"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.



"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."



She said, "Excellent, Michael !"

Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.



"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just f ** king beautiful !'"





LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER



Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.



After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."



Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."



The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?"



Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f ** king business."





I LOVE Little Tony !!!!!

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

Suggestions For Women To Respond To Pickup Lines



"Haven't I seen you someplace before?"

"Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."



He: So what do you do for a living?

She: Female impersonator.



"Is this seat empty?"

"Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."



"So, wanna go back to my place?"

"Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"



"I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

"It's in the phone book."

"But I don't know your name."

"That's in the phone book too."



"What sign were you born under?"

"No Parking."



"I know how to please a woman."

"Then please leave me alone."



"Haven't we met before?"

"Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."



"I want to give myself to you."

"Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."



"I can tell that you want me."

"Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you... to leave."



"Hey, baby, What's your sign?"

"Stop."



"Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"

"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."



"May I see you pretty soon?"

"Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"



"Your body is like a temple."

"Sorry, there are no services today."



"I'd go through anything for you."

"Good! Let's start with your bank account."



"I would go to the end of the world for you."

"Yes, but would you stay there?"





"Your place or mine?"

"Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."



After hearing a pickup line:

I like your approach, now let's see your departure.



If you are looking at a girl and she says "What are you looking at?"

say "I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken."



He: Would you like to dance?

She: Not with you.

He: Oh, come on. Lower your standards a little, I just did.



He: Do you wanna dance?

She: Yeah but not with you!

He: You must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!



Q: Does beauty run in your family?

A: It obviously doesn't in yours!



Q: What's your name sexy?

A: Taken!



Q: Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?

A: Yeah, but this time don't stop!



Q: I think you're the best looking girl in here.

A: Really? Well, I'd better go find the best looking guy then, hadn't I!



He: Your legs go clear up to your a**.

She: Most peoples' do!



Q: Can I buy you a drink?

A: Go ahead, but only if you buy my boyfriend one too!



"You look like a dream."

Response: "Go back to sleep."



He: What`s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?

She: What`s it like being the biggest liar in the world?



"I can see forever in your eyes."

Response: "But all I can see is never in yours."



"I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today and your name was included."

Response: "Thanks! Hey, I saw your name next to jerk."

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."



The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Actual Answering Machine Messages.

*My wife and i can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.



*This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name and your number and your reason for calling...and I'll think about returning your call.



*Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is john's refrigerator. Speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.



*Hi. Now YOU say something.



*Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message, and if I don't call back, its you.



*Hello!If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner.

No one will win the battle of the sexes; there is too much fraternizing with the enemy.

random things that are useless

*Ducks quacks don't echo. No one knows why.

*Hitler's mother thought about having an abortion, but was talked out of it by her doctor.

*We shed 40 pounds of skin in a lifetime.

*Like fingerprints, everyones tongueprint is different.

*Right handed people live on average 9 years longer than left handed people

*A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day

*In Singapore, it is illegal to sell or own chewing gum

*"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

*A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

*Coca-Cola would be green if colouring weren’t added to it.

*Donald Duck was banned in Finland for a while because he doesn't wear pants.

*The longest word in the English language is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

*111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

*The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

*The manufacturing documentation for a Jumbo Jet weighs more than a Jumbo Jet.

*If electrodes are inserted at opposite ends of a pickle, and electricity is passed through, the pickle will glow.

*The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

*Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots.

*40% of cases a pizza will arrive sooner than an ambulance.

*Most toliets flush in E-flat.

*It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is shake and the 46th word from the last word is spear.

*The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.

*In the average lifetime, a person will walk the equivalent of 5 times around the equator.

*A hummingbird weighs less than a penny.

*The longest one-syllable word is "screeched."

*Frowning burns more calories than smiling.

*1/4 of the bones in your body are in your feet.

*The average woman consumes 6 pounds of lipstick in her lifetime.

*The bullfrog is the only animal that never sleeps.

*If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.

*A ball of glass will bounce higher that a ball of rubber.

*Children grow faster in the spring.

*On average, a human being will spend up to 2 weeks kissing in his/her lifetime.

*Mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.

*A sneeze travels out of your mouth at over100 miles per hour.

*Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they cant find any food.

*A "dude" is an infected hair on an elephants butt.

*The average person has a total of 6 pounds of skin.

*Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.

*On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

*On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

*Red is the most commonly colored vehicle involved in accidents each year.

*The swastika was originally a symbol of peace and honor and is still used by Buddhists today.

*Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

*Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump."

*In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

*American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

*The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

*Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes

Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and b****-slap the mother-f***er upside the head.

"I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no f***ing way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell cant paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that s**t up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say "oh s**t I'm sorry I thought paper would protect you, a**hole."

COMMENTS

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ladybriarrose
00:22 Feb 14 2013

*laughs* Perhaps the idea is to use the paper to pen your thoughts on and then it becomes a pen is mightier than the sword (or rock) kind of thing. :)



Brain beats brawn.

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POST COMMENT

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules

from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are

all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!



1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us

complaining about you leaving it down.



1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of

it that way.



1. Crying is blackmail.



1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints

do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!



1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.



1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.

That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.



1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.



1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.



1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect

us to act like soap opera guys.



1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.



1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the

ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.



1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it

done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.



1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say

during commercials.



1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.



1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,

for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have

no idea what mauve is.



1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.



1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act

like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth

the hassle.



1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an

answer you don't want to hear.



1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.

Really.



1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared

to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster

trucks.



1. You have enough clothes.



1. You have too many shoes.



1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.



1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the

couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like

camping.

How To Get Out Of A Traffic Ticket!



A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:



Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.



Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.



Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.



Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.



Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.



Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:



Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.



It was valid.



Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.



The driver owned the car.



Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.



Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.



Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.



Trunk is opened; no body.



Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.



Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES

(You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense)...

1) Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP............. Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man...................... Dum Fuk

5) Small horse... Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach?... Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped in to a coffee table... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift... Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here... Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet... Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone... No Pah King

12) staying out of sight... Lei Ying Lo

13) He's cleaning his automobile... Wa Shing Ka

14) Your body odor is offensive... Yu Stin Ki Pu

15) Great... Fa Kin Su Pah

For the losers who didnt get it..... ur dumb

I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.



Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.



At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.



That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"



The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.



A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.



10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.



Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."



The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

COMMENTS

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dabbler
23:41 Feb 13 2013

Haha, I must Share this, thank you,

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POST COMMENT

I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

COMMENTS

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dabbler
23:41 Feb 13 2013

LOL

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POST COMMENT

15 THINGS TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS THINK YOU'RE INSANE!!

1. Follow them around the house everywhere.

2. Moo when they say your name.

3. Run into walls.

4. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.

5. Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, good morning sunshine

6. Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA"

7. Wear a sticker that says, "I am a retard"

8. Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to all the time.

9. In public yell, "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!"

10. Do what they actually tell you.

11. Jump off the roof, trying to fly.

12. Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people.

13. At everything they say yell, Liar.

14. Try to swim in the floor.

15. Tap on their door all night.

A LOGICAL SOLUTION.

Now here is a problem that finally has a formula for getting to the bottom of an age old problem.

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:



What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?



Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:



If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.



Then:



H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%



But,



A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%



And,



B-U-L-L-S-*-*-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%



AND, look how far a** kissing will take you.



A-*-*-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%



So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bulls**t and A** Kissing that will put you over the top.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...



Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?



Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:



"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.



Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:



1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.



2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.



So which is it?



If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."



This student received the only A.