The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Doritos
22:51 Feb 19 2011
Times Read: 716

Have you seen the latest Doritos commercial? The setting is an office where we have a black man and a white man apparently engaged I some sort of office banter. The black man is finishing a bag of Doritos when the white man asks for one. The black man tells the white man they…the Doritos…are all gone. The white man then says no…the best part is still to come and then grabs the black man’s hand and starts sucking his finger…sucking his finger.



Now…before all you “enlightened” people start bashing on me…yet again…as a racist…just let me state…it doesn’t matter for this post whether it was a black man and a white man…or…two black men…or…two white men…or…two green men. I merely point out the race differences because that’s what it is! I didn’t cast…or…write this commercial…so…piss off.



When have you ever seen a woman sucking a man’s finger that it wasn’t a visual metaphor for sucking said man’s dick? Ever? Was such an action ever perceived as innocent? NO! It has always been meant as a promise of giving oral sex…ALWAYS…end of story.



Is Doritos trying to gain a bigger share of the bi-racial gay community? I don’t know…but…what I do know is…this commercial deeply offends me…deeply.



I will never purchase another fucking product of yours…Doritos. Every time I see your product on a shelf…I will be reminded of this commercial and will gladly pass you by…now…and forever more.



Fuck you.

It Went Something...Like This...
20:26 Feb 11 2011
Times Read: 749








Mr. Tu…”…*shake…shake shake shake*…*adjusts oxygen*…*tap…tap tap tap*…*WTF?*…”



Michael…”What’s wrong Mr. Tu?”



Mr. Tu…”…*shake shake…shake*…Our torch does not seem to be acquiring the correct amount of oxygen for proper use Michael…*shake…tap…shake shAKE SHAKE*…*goddamnit*…”



Michael…” Check the tank Mr. Tu…maybe it’s empty?”



Mr. Tu…”I HAVE investigated the oxygen tank…Michael…*tap tap shake*…and we have oxygen and pressure…*SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE*…”



Michael…”Turn it up Mr. Tu.”



Mr. Tu…”I have explored that option…Michael…*tap tap*…and it has no effect on our flame…*adjusts oxygen feed*….see?…*TAP*…”



Michael…”…*Reaches up for the torch knobs*…”



Mr. Tu…” …*Slaps Michael’s hand*…DO NOT touch the oxygen and gas controls…Michael…*adjusts controls…SHAKE*…”



Michael…”What’s that sound Mr.Tu?”



Mr. Tu…”Sound?”



Michael…”Yeah…the press is making a fweeping sound…*fweep fweep fweeep*…”



The Press…”…fweep fweep fweep fweep fweep fweep fweep fweep fweep fweep fweep…”



Mr. Tu…”Michael…our machine regurgitates new and interesting sounds every night…this fweeping is hardly a matter for concern…*shake tap shake tap shake tap SHAKE…SHAKE…SHAKE*…”



The Press…”…fweep fweep fweep fweep fweep fweep fweep fweep fweep fweep fweep…”



Michael…”Turn the fucking gas up Mr. Tu!”



Mr. Tu…”…*sighs*…We have sufficient gas for use…Michael…*BANG…BANG…BANG*…”



The Press…”…fweep fweep fweep fweep fweep fweep fweep fweep fweep fweep fweep…”



Michael…”…*Turns the gas knob higher*…”



Suddenly at our feet came a fast rushing hiss…followed by a blinding white light…followed by a huge explosion…KAAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!



Mr. Tu….”JESUS CHRIST!”

Michael…”JESUS CHRIST!”



All eyes in Industrial focussed on our area…women cover their mouths…old men holding a hand over their hearts…a few pointing and laughing. I admit…unashamedly…we dropped the torch and ran like Bawny Fwank in a Honky Tonk!



Michael…”OUR PANTS ARE ON FIRE MR. TU…OUR PANTS ARE ON FIRE!!”



Mr. Tu…”…*Pats and shakes and kicks out the flames*…”



Michael…”I SMELL HAIR BURNING…I SMELL HAIR BURNING!”



Mr. Tu…”…*Inspects head with hands*…”



Michael…” DO WE STILL HAVE EYEBROWS MR. TU?! DO WE STILL HAVE FUCKING EYEBROWS?!?”



Mr. Tu…”In a manner of speaking…Michael.”



Michael…’WHAT?!?!”



Mr. Tu…”We may have been…singed…a tad…and I TOLD you NOT to touch the controls!”



Michael…”Wow…it’s a good thing you’re a Vampire or we could have been killed!”



Mr. Tu…”Shut up…Michael.”

Three Cheese Jesus
17:53 Feb 02 2011
Times Read: 794








Let me first state…freely…that I am not an authority on anything conventionally religious…in this arena of life my kung-fu is very weak. Sure…sure…I was raise a Presbyterian…attended services (sometimes…when another troubled youth and myself were not screwing around downtown)…but…I never achieved the status to partake of Communion.



My understanding of Holy Communion is the wafer turns into the flesh of Christ and the wine into the blood of Christ…as far as I know…that’s the idea…a weirdo-rama…mystical…magical…transformation occurs in ones body. Although not sanctioned…I tried a wafer once and I have to ask…WHY DOES JESUS HAVE TO TASTE SO BAD?! FLAKY? DRY?!



Once said troubled youth and myself were rummaging around the Pastors office minding our own business…of course during services or we wouldn’t have been able to do it! I’m not sure what we were looking for…perhaps nick knacks…perhaps we were looking for something to blackmail him with…a naughty photograph or two…or perhaps just to see what a Pastor keeps in his desk. In any event…what we did find was a bag of those Communion Wafers…and we tried one.



WTF?! IT WAS HORRIBLE! WHAT DO THEY MAKE THOSE WAFERS OUT OF?! Are they 2,000 plus years old? Is there a sacred vault somewhere housing these things?! It was clinging to the insides of our mouths! STALE…STALE…DIRTY SOCKS…DIRTY SOCKS! We quickly searched for the wine…water…soda…cat piss…anything to wash those crumbling dusty particles down…or better yet…out of our mouths! We fled from the office in a frantic search for liquids!



Now…see…this is what I don’t understand. Why…when it’s going to magically change in ones body…would it have to be something that tasted so heinous?! Why not Dominos pizza bits? Pizza Hut? Marcos? Is the horrible texture and taste somehow part of a ritual of suffering? Why? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY?! Wouldn’t it be sacrilegious to make Jesus taste bad? Shouldn’t Jesus taste good?! And what about those that don’t like wine?



Why should Holy Communion be a traumatic experience? Why not make it an enjoyable one…*MMmmmMmm…Dominos pizza bits and a shot of Pepsi…MMmmmmmMm*…wouldn’t Jesus want you to enjoy eating His body and drinking His blood (And people think my vampire fixation is weird.)? I think He would. Red cups for regular…blue cups for diet…it’s easy!



I just don’t get it.