The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

This Is My Chocolate Cake
07:16 Dec 31 2010
Times Read: 705








“This is my chocolate cake. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

My chocolate cake is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.

My chocolate cake, without me, is useless. Without my chocolate cake, I am useless. I must eat my chocolate cake true. I must eat faster than my enemy who is trying to eat his. I must eat mine before he eats his. I will...”





After hours of endless searching…up and down consumable packed isles of Kroger…after hours of intense egg scrutiny…weighing…squeezing…this package…that package…German…Super Moist…trapping clerks and then interrogating…”Where’s the cooking oil?…*shake shake shake*…WHERE IS THE COOKING OIL GODDAMNIT?!”…after the fierce money fight at check out…I returned to home base and began.



Slowly…like unbuttoning a woman’s blouse…I poured over the instructions…carefully measuring…1 1/3 cup…1/2 cup…sifting flour…1 egg…2 eggs…3 eggs…preheat…PREHEAT YOU FOOL! I tell you now…I mixed like I’ve never mixed before. After wiping the sweat and flour from my face…with shaking hands…I poured my mix…then into the ancient oven my glass…yes…glass…mix filled cake pan slid…*check it again…CHEK IT AGAIN…yes…yes…350 degrees F…whew*…(how come there isn’t a degree symbol on this keyboard? Wtf!)…then all I could do was…wait.



I waited for what seemed an eternity…then suddenly the timer chimed…it was as though the bells of Heaven were ringing! Can you smell it? CAN YOU?! After my creation cooled…with a sure hand…I furiously frosted…my mission completed.



After documenting the results (see picture)…I sampled…it’s DELICIOUS!



I now posses “The Power of Chocolate Cake”! O…M…G…I can feel it coursing through my veins as I type! Yes…oh yes…this will be an awesome New Year.

The New Years Resolution
20:58 Dec 28 2010
Times Read: 718






I’ve made one…ONE…New Years Resolution in my life…and that was…”Never to make another New Years Resolution”…and I’ve kept it!



I mean…think about it…*points to head*…if I would have made a New Years Resolution every year…that would mean I would have given up something FUN…or…TASTY…54 times! 54 TIMES! Now…if I were to give up 54 FUN…or…TASTY…actions or consumables…why…what point would there be in living?! I couldn’t eat anything I liked…couldn’t do anything I found pleasurable…I would have given them all up!



Think about 54 times…really…think about it! Right now think about 54 actions…or…consumables…you would put on the New Years Eve Resolution chopping block. No no no…not 5 or 10…54! What would you have left to live for? And no…you don’t get to do red M&Ms one year then brown M&Ms the next…don’t try to get around this dilemma like that…just don’t! And we all know…don’t play stupid with me…that a REAL New Years Resolution has to be something one holds sacred and/or dear…such as “Cigarettes”…Ah ha ha ha haaaa…yeah…it only counts with something you will miss! 50 f*cking 4 somethings you will miss! Give up cigarettes for New Years…*snorts*…Ah ha ha ha…I crack myself up!



Does the New Years Resolution exist to destroy you? Make your life a dreary struggling nerve wracking mess?



And let’s face it…many New Years Resolutions will never…NEVER…be kept! You know when you’re making it you’ll never keep it. And what do you have then? GUILT! Almost all year long…after all you will keep said Resolution for a week or two…almost all year long you will suffer the guilt of being a New Year Resolution failure! 54 years of feeling like a New Years Resolution failure? Jesus…it’s not a wonder people are dropping from strokes and heart attacks! 54 years of FAILURE…GUILT? That’s crazy! Why do that to yourself? Don’t you have enough failure in your life? Do you really need to add to it?



Alright…alright…ALRIGHT…one could make a New Years Resolution something charitable…such as…brushing bums teeth…BUT…AGAIN…think about pilling up 54 charitable actions! When would you work? How would you pay your bills? You’d be doing nothing but New Years Resolutions everyday! EVERYDAY! You’d wake up and start brushing bums teeth…then move on to foliating crackheads…then move onto petting stray cats and/or dogs…then move onto…then move on to…then move on to…then move onto…54 f*cking times everyday! There’d be no time for anything else! It just doesn’t work!



Where did this New Years Resolution business come from? Who thought this up? Is this some kind of Pagan thing? Did the terrorists do it to destroy the infidels? Mayans? Did the Mayans do it? Those Mayans are pranksters…2012…*snorts*…that’s a good one! I really liked the whole spaceship in the tail of the comet one too…HEY…was it those nutty bastards that came up with the New Years Resolution?!



In closing…be good to yourself…make this years New Years Resolution to never make another New Years Resolution…you’ll be happier!

The Last Christmas Entry Of 2010
06:12 Dec 24 2010
Times Read: 741

*Wednesday morning…December 22nd…6:30 am*



I just now got off work and am waiting to take my car to the garage at 8:00 am…it has been running bad for weeks…the sub zero temperatures have forced my hand in this matter…the idea of walking because of a faulty car does not appeal to me…at all!



I’ve waited at the garage for two hours now…I’ve read every magazine…twice! The mechanic finally comes out and informs me a part has to be ordered and it will be hours until it arrives and then installation could take hours as well. He asks if I would like a ride home and then be called when my car is finished…of course I accept…I need to sleep. I get dropped off at my bungalows back kitchen door…which…I rarely ever use.



As I travel up the short walk to the kitchen door I see a package in a snowdrift beside it. It’s a surprise package from Risky (Neva) of Christmas Cookies that are now frozen solid…including chocolate chip cookies! Well…I had to have one of those bad boys before bed…so…I popped one in the microwave for 15 seconds (perfect) and had an ooey gooey treat before lights out!



An hour later the phone wakes me and it’s the garage telling me my car’s finished and they are sending someone to pick me up. What happened to hours and hours? I get dressed and stand at my kitchen door watching and waiting for my ride back to the garage. I microwave another chocolate chip cookie and am eating it as my ride arrives…out the door I go…mouth stuffed with chocolate chip cookie.



My car’s running great! The engine light is no longer on and blinking…it’s such a good feeling after it’s been running poorly…I am filled with joy! I drive to Walmart and Lowes unafraid of a freezing walk! Everyone smiles at me as I purchase drapes for my bedroom…wood screws…a turkey for Christmas dinner…I saw the Christmas Spirit was in full swing…even the mechanics at the garage were friendly…so many smiles…I give every last one a cheerful “Merry Christmas”!



I arrive home with my goodies…my spirit filled with goodwill…I stash said goodies…I take a healthy piss…I’m washing my hands when I look up into the mirror and see the BIG CHOCOLATE CHIP SMEAR RUNNING ALL THE WAY ACROSS MY CHIN!



*I did not think to take a picture…damnit…sorry.*

We Wish You A Merry Christmas
13:57 Dec 23 2010
Times Read: 754










Mr. Tu…..”Michael…Michael come here and let us sing all our wonderful Vampire Rave friends a heartfelt Christmas Carol on this wonderful Christmas Eve!”







*Michael swinging his arms and marching in time comes into the room singing…*







Michael…”I want a hippopotamus for Christmas…only a hippopotamus will doooo”



Mr. Tu….”…………………………………..Michael……………………….that is enough Michael.”



Michael…”Don’t want a doll…no dinky Tinker Toooy”



Mr. Tu….”………………Michael……………………”



Michael…”I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy!”



Mr. Tu….”…………………………………………………..MICHAEL!”







Michael…”WHAT?! You said you wanted to sing a Christmas Carol Mr. Tu.”







Mr. Tu….”~I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas~ is not a Christmas Carol…Michael.”







Michael…”Yes it is.”







Mr. Tu….”No it is not.”







Michael…”Yes it is.”







Mr. Tu….”No it is NOT…what it is…is a Joke Christmas song!”







Michael…”The Artful Dodger says it’s a Carol.”







Mr. Tu….”That is ‘Oliver’ and has nothing to do with Christmas…Michael.”







Michael…”But I look like Oliver…may I have some more suh….may I have some more suh?”







Mr. Tu….”Michael…stop being an imbecile. Let us sing one actual Christmas Carol and then we will have a nice piece of hot apple pie with a dash of vanilla ice cream on top.”







Michael…”OH F*CKING YUM! Whatever you say sport…you start!”







Mr. Tu….”Michael.”







Michael…”What Mr. Tu?”







Mr. Tu….”Do not call me…SPORT!”







Michael…:YES SIR!”







Mr. Tu….”Now please…follow me…*clears throat*…”







Mr. Tu….”Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas”

Michael…”…….…eeeeeeeeee wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas”

Mr. Tu….”We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!”

Michael…”We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!”

Mr. Tu….”Oh bring us a figgy pudding Oh bring us a figgy pud…...Michael……..”

Michael…”Oh bring me some jiggling boobies Oh bring me some jiggling boobies”

Michael…”Oh bring me some jiggling boobies and bring me a beer! OH BRING...”

Mr. Tu….”….Michael that is enough…………………………..…………………....MICHAEL!”







Michael…”WHAT?!”







Mr. Tu…..”…*sighs*…You are trying my patients Michael…do you think you cannot be a demon for just a few moments so we can conclude this Carol?”







Michael…”Boy…you really know how to take the fun out of singin’ a song Mr. Tu!”







Mr. Tu….”…*stares*….”







Michael…”Oh okay…let’s do it!”







Mr. Tu….”Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas”

Michael…”…….…eeeeeeeeee wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas”

Mr. Tu….”We wish you a Merry Christmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas……..Michael……”

Michael…”We wish you a Merry ChristmaaaaaaaAaaAaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAaaarRRrrrrgggg…*Michael falls on the floor and appears to be unconscious*….”







Mr. Tu….”Michael…get up…*sighs and kicks*…get up Michael…*kicks*…get…up…this is not humorous Michael…GET UP…*sighs*…AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! SEE YOU IN THE FUNNY PAPERS! Is not that right Michael?”







Michael…”…*opens one eye*…F*CKIN’ A RIGHT MR. TU!”







Mr. Tu….”…*kicks*…”

What Do You Want For Christmas
22:00 Dec 20 2010
Times Read: 781








What do you want for Christmas? Personally…I have no idea…if I really had to ask for something (other than Nancy's most awesome apple pie) I have not a clue what it would be. Of course…I am speaking of realistic attainable gifts.





If it were even remotely possible I would receive a 2 door black rag top Mercedes Benz I’d ask for it! An island complete with working Castle…meaning…I could poor boiling oil over the walls onto attacking hordes…I’d ask for it! My own Nuclear Submarine equipped with a few surface to air missiles…you know…so I would be taken seriously… would be pretty cool…but then…again…I’m not going to get that! An Attack Grizzly would have its perks…but…that’s not going to happen either. I know…I know I know I KNOW…you’re just waiting for me to say I want female breast flesh for Christmas…and I DO…but like I stated…ATTAINABLE GIFTS! Female breast flesh falls into the same category as Nuclear Submarines…islands with working Castles…Mercedes Benzes and Attack Grizzlies.





So…I got nothing! Socks? A sweater? Actually I am thankful I’m not going to get a gift (other than Nancy's most awesome apple pie) so I won’t have an anxiety attack…that in and of it’s self is a gift!





For me Christmas Day will consist of a fine…expertly prepared by yours truly…dinner…topped off with Nancy’s most awesome apple pie (Michael’s thrilled)…then a comforting smoke while I watch “A Christmas Story” followed by “National Lampoons Christmas Vacation”…both being a must see over the holiday.





So…don’t be shy…throw humility to the wind…get greedy…what do you want for Christmas?

Christmas Dinner
01:11 Dec 17 2010
Times Read: 800








Well…considering my “Thanksgiving Dinner” triumph and again…UP YOURS CHEF RAMSEY…I have decided to make “Christmas Dinner”! Since I have acquired strong culinary-fu I am not concerned about the meal preparation…BUT…even with the confidence “The Christmas Toilet” has given me with festive decoration…I felt I needed a little guidance with the “Christmas Dinner” table setting and look…so…I Image Googled “Christmas Dinner” to take a peek.





Oh I hear you like bees in my brain…”You got sidetracked didn’t you Mr. Tu.”…yes…yes I did.







The Christmas Family Dinner











The Kid’s thinking…~GREAT IDEA MOM AND DAD! I’m going to put my hand in front of my mouth because I have nothing to say to either of you!~





The Mother’s thinking…~When did you get so fat and bald…I’m going to put my hand in front of my mouth because I have nothing to say to you!~





The Father’s thinking…~I lost a finger in a snow blower accident…I can’t masturbate right anymore…and this is the THANKS I GET! My wife won’t have sex with me.~







Just Kill Me For Christmas











The old man’s thinking…~KILL ME…for the love of God….somebody kill me… my wife’s breasts look like sun dried raisins…please pick up a fork…drive it into my throat…AND KILL ME!~





The old man’s wife (left in picture) is thinking…~I’m going to scream…*chuckles*…I can feel it coming…I’m going to scream…*chuckles*…I’m going to pick up a fork and drive it into my husbands throat AND KILL HIM!~





The old man’s spinster sister (right in picture) is thinking…~Paper cups? Are you f*cking kidding me? They expect me to drink from a paper cup? I wear my best hat and the blouse with matching flowers and I get a paper cup? How gouache’.~





The old man’s daughter (far left) is thinking…~Mother looks unhappy.~







Old Christmas High School Sweethearts











She’s thinking…~It was cute back in high school when he got drunk and wore my hats…now it’s just pathetic and sad…God…it’s only 12:20 in the afternoon…do I have to be standing here.~





He’s thinking…~If that one snowflake moved down about 2 inches…*buuuuuurpbelch*…they’d look like nipples.~





~Merry Christmas Everyone!~

The Christmas Toilet
00:19 Dec 16 2010
Times Read: 825






Alright…AlriGHT…ALRIGHT! Look…don’t bust my chops here! It was much too late to put up a Christmas Tree! What?! It would only been up for a little over a week…that’s not enough Christmas bliss enjoyment time! It’s only me here…no little ones to visually whip into a frenzy (other than my inner child Michael)…no piles and stacks of gifts beneath…and let’s face it…space is at a premium here in my little bungalow!



I pondered for hours…after all…I did have a string of lights from Christmas Past…I had bows and a Christmas Tree Skirt (very nice…don’t you think?)…assorted Christmas music boxes and brick brack…it just seemed somehow wrong to let all that be packed away for this Christmas season! I had…I HAD…to do something! Then it hit me like a bolt of lightening!



What room is the most dreary little room in all ones kingdom? The bathroom! The f*cking bathroom is the most dreary little room in all ones kingdom! And again let’s face it…when one gets older…one spends a great deal of time in there…exploring new little bumps and odd shaped moles…finding new wrinkles everywhere…discovering a hair that’s growing out the top of ones nose (no shit…growing out the top of my nose)…staring down at ones feet wondering how in the hell ones toenails got that long so goddamn quick…and forever waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting! So…it’s the perfect room to add some Christmas cheer!



Think about all the time one spends erecting and decorating a Christmas Tree…hours and hours! It never stays straight…one constantly has to worry about it falling over…puppies tearing it to pieces…watering it…and the configurations of the trinkets…Jesus…that could go on forever! Then…when it has served its purpose and is deemed socially unacceptable to still have standing (accept for a few…you know who you are) one has to take it all down. Hours and hours of carefully wrapping the precious trinkets…untangling stand after stand of festive lighting…tearing off the tinsel that someone thought was soooo funny to lick and paste on ones windows so it looked like they were cracked…and then the next six months of stepping on rouge needles in ones bare feet!



I can save you from all that! I give you…The Christmas Toilet! IT’S BRILLIANT! It has just as much room as a Christmas Tree beneath for gifts (yes…that is…~The Greatest Gift In The World~…placed snug and neatly on the seat)…decorating took perhaps five minutes and minimal duct tape…the Christmas Toilet Skirt looks awesome…a closed lid keeps it puppy friendly…and the Christmas Toilet Bowl Tank is a great…A GREAT…place to display ones favorite Christmas Music Box! Add red towels to complete the ambiance and…PRESTO…Christmas Cheer! The most dreary room in ones bungalow is transformed into a Christmas Winter Wonderland and I estimate a one minute take down time!



This is the way to go as long as one doesn’t mind small Christmas burns on the backs of their thighs and on their buttocks.



~Merry Christmas~

The Nutcracker
23:33 Dec 13 2010
Times Read: 842






Boy…I’m not sure…could I have been a ballet dancer? Had a starring role in The Nutcracker?



I’m thinking those powder blue tights are just way too Gay...the poses don’t exactly scream machismo and talk about The Nutcracker…if those tights didn’t do it…I don’t know what would! I have to admit though…that jacket is very cool! Rather Beatles-esque looking don’t you think? I can hear a full horn section as I type!



“We’re Sgt Pepper’s Lonely…Sgt Pepper’s lonely…Sgt Pepper’s lonely hearts club band!”…or…perhaps…”Lucy in the sky with diamonds…Lucy in the sky with diamonds!”



I suppose a perk to being a ballet dancer is one could smoke on stage…”Artist License” and all that…man…I hate going to a “No Smoking” establishment and then watch those on stage smoking…that really irks me. Why are you “Anti Smoking Nazis” not upset about THEIR second hand smoke? I digress.



I suppose all one would have to keep an eye on is their partners hair…make sure one’s cigarette didn’t catch said hair on fire during a quick pirouette or some other gonzo move. They could have strategically placed glass ashtrays for quick “Ash Taps”…oh yeah…that reminds me of another perk to being a ballet dancer…cleavage!



Ballet is extremely cleavage friendly…but see…that would f*ck me up! How would I ever concentrate on the dance? Tights look ridiculous on men…but…on a woman they are HOT! I’d never remember what I was supposed to be doing…I’d probably even miss my entrance…”SOMEONE TELL MR. TU TO GET THE F*CK OUT THERE!”. I’d be forever trying to peek up a tutu or peek down a top and the physical contact with a ballerina?! OMG…like I could do that night after night without introducing a few…“New”…ballet moves…”This one’s called…~Le Extended Hop And Push~…just let me guide you sweetheart…yes dear…my hands are supposed to be placed there!”. Bah! I would have just ended up being The Dirty Old Choreographer.



No…a career in ballet was not an option for me…besides…I don’t have the legs for it. Hell…I’ve never even seen The Nutcracker…what’s it about?

A Christmas Story
23:41 Dec 11 2010
Times Read: 858






Oh what a glorious Christmas season it was for the father and his small son. Strings of street lights…even stop lights…blinked of bright red and green as they drove to The Magic Mall where the shoppers would be rushing home with their treasures. The boy was very excited for his father had promised a semi-early Christmas present and the boy knew he would get the most coveted video game of the year! Oh what Christmas joy!



There it was! The Magic Mall sat nestled in deep clean snow…its festive decorations flashing promised video bliss! Elves adorned every entrance and on the roof…there “He” was…SANTA CLAUS himself! The boy imagined Santa whipping and calling to his reindeer…”On Dasher On Dancer On Prancer and Vixen…On Comet On Cupid On Donder and Blitzen!”…the boy screamed…”Park the sleigh Daddy…PARK THE SLEIGH!”.



An hour later and a mile away they had found an empty space to park their sleigh…then out they bounded into the falling snow and began walking towards the inviting sights and sounds of The Magic Mall. They heard the snow crunch…saw the kids bunch…this was Santa’s big scene no doubt! It seemed the sidewalks…busy sidewalks dressed in holiday style would never end…but in the air there was a feeling of Christmas so father and son endured their cold and windy journey.



The interior of The Magic Mall was cozy and warm as they made their way to the Old Vid Shoppe’…children were laughing…people passing…meeting smile after smile…and the father asked his son…”Listen! Can you hear those silver bells son?”…to which the boy replied after taking his fathers hand…”HURRY DADY HURRY!”.



Soon they found themselves basking in a video cavalcade that was the Old Vid Shoppe’. Shelf after shelf…row after row…all decorated with garland and lights sat every video game a boy could ever want! “LOOK DADY LOOK!”…the boy pointed in astonishment!



Quickly they bustled into line and falling in right behind them came a lone kind stranger. “Merry Christmas!”…he said…”Merry Christmas…Merry Christmas!”…returned the father and son. The father checked the location of his wallet while his son fidgeted and peeked around the shoppers in line. The son tugged at his fathers coat…”Daddy we’ll be too late and all the games will be gone!”…his father bent down…keeping one hand on his wallet and said…”Ohhh ho ho hoooo…don’t you worry about that my boy…I’m sure there’s plenty for all!”…then tousled the little boys hair.



Finally their turn came and the boy rushed to the glass counter…he pressed his face tight…eyes darting side to side searching for the coveted video game of the year! “THERE IT IS DADDY…THERE IT IS…THAT’S THE ONE I WANT!”…exclaimed the boy. The Old Vid Shoppe’ Keeper smiled…then retrieved the video game from the glass case and in handing it to the boy said…”My what a lucky little boy you are this Christmas…that’s the very last one we have!”…”GOLLY!”…said the boy…”I AM LUCKY!”.



As the father took out and began thumbing through his wallet…a voice cut through the festive din…it was the kind stranger…”OH NOOOOOO…THAT’S the video game my little boy wants for Christmas and I promised him he’d have it! OH NOOOOOO! If I would have just got here a little sooner!”.



Well time stood still as the father looked at The Old Vid Shoppe’ Keeper who merely shrugged. The father looked down at his son whose face clearly registered that age old dilemma…Greed or Graciousness. Then the father looked at the kind stranger and thought…*Boy…I wish I had a pocketful of Christmas Spirit so I could sprinkle a little on the tip of my boot and drive it straight up your f*cking ass!*.



The father looked to his son again…bent down…put a hand on his son’s shoulder and said…”We have every right to buy that video game…it is yours to have…but…I leave that up to you.”. As his son began weighing the situation the father again looked at the kind stranger with an expression that said…*You’re an asshole!*. After a minute the boy spoke…”He can have it.”…then handed the most coveted video game of the year to the kind stranger.



“Merry Christmas!”…the kind stranger called when the father and son walked away. “Merry Christmas…*motherf*cker*…”…the father called back.



As they were leaving The Magic Mall the father put his arm around his son’s shoulders and said…”I have never been…nor…will I ever be able to be…more proud of you than I am right now….that was an incredibly generous thing you just did.”…”It’s okay.”…said the boy. Out into the blowing night snow they went.



The End



~Merry Christmas~

Oh Christmas Tree
20:41 Dec 09 2010
Times Read: 887






Michael…”Isn’t that beautiful Mr. Tu?!”



Mr. Tu…..”Yes Michael…I must admit…that Christmas Tree is very charming.”



Michael…”There’s just something magic about it…it makes me feel good!”



Mr. Tu…..”Again I have to admit Michael…it does make one wish to be pleasant.”



Michael…”I really miss having a Christmas Tree Mr. Tu…it’s been a long time.”



Mr. Tu…..”I know Michael…but…Christmas has only seen you and I for a very long time.”



Michael…”So what?! Don’t we count Mr. Tu?!” Don’t I count?!”



Mr. Tu…..”Michael…none except you and I will enjoy it!”



Michael…”So what?! It’ll make us feel good! I want a Christmas Tree this year Mr. Tu!”



Mr. Tu…..”Michael…be reasonable.”



Michael…”I WANT A CHRISTMAS TREE AND I WANT IT RIGHT F*CKING NOW!”



Mr. Tu…..”Look you little retard…a Christmas Tree will cast needles all over our bungalow carpet!”



Michael…”BIG DEAL! PLEASE MR. TU…PULLLLLLEEEEASE! I’LL SWEEP UP THE NEEDLES! I NEED IT MR. TU…I NEEEEEEEEED IT BAD! I WANT TO FEEL HAPPY AT CHRISTMAS AGAIN…*hands clasped*…PLEASE SIR…PLEASE MAY I HAVE A CHRISTMAS TREE?!”



Mr. Tu…..”Now do not try and get around me by addressing me as “Sir”!”



Michael…”I’ll trade my Apple Pie for it and then we’d have a place to put…~The Greatest Gift In The World~…Mr. Tu!”



Mr. Tu…..”…*taps his chin with a finger*…”You are willing to exchange said Apple Pie for a Christmas Tree?”



Michael…”YES MR. TU! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE?! WE ALREADY HAVE THE LIGHTS!”



Mr. Tu…..”…*grumbles in the most jolly way*…Very well Michael…a Christmas Tree you shall have.”



Michael…”…*stomps around the room gyrating his hips while chanting*…We’re gonna have a Christmas Tree we’re gonna have a Christmas Tree we’re gonna have a Christmas Tree we’re gonna have a Christmas Tree we’re gonna have a Christmas Tree we’re gonna have a Christmas Tree!”



Mr. Tu…..”STOP THAT MICHAEL…you appear an imbicile!”



Michael…”YES SIR!”



Mr. Tu…..”In the spirit of the season and in honor of your coming joy…let us…you and I…sing the Christmas Carol…Oh Christmas Tree.”



Michael…”That’s dopey Mr. Tu.”



Mr. Tu…..”…*raises an eyebrow*…”



Michael…”OKAY…you start!”





Mr. Tu…..”Oh Christmas Tree…Oh Christmas Tree…la da da ummm da daa da…

Michael…”…..Christmas Tree…Oh Christmas Tree…la da do errrrrrr da daa do…



Mr. Tu…..”Oh Christmas Tree…Oh Christmas Tree…how hum hum hum hum hum hum…”

Michael…”Oh Christmas Tree…Oh Christmas Tree…la do doo hum hum hum hum hum…”



Mr. Tu…..”Alright Michael…fetch your coat and we will procure you and I a fine Blue Spruce!”



Michael…”…*stomps to get his coat by gyrating his hips and chanting*…We’re gonna get a Christmas Tree we’re gonna get a Christmas Tree we’re gonna get a Christmas Tree we’re gonna get a Christmas Tree we’re gonna get a Christmas Tree we’re gonna get a Christmas Tree!”



Mr. Tu…..”MICHAEL!”



Michael…”…*runs*…”

It's A Wonderful Family Christmas
00:13 Dec 09 2010
Times Read: 907






In this little entry of good cheer…when I refer to “Christmas”…what I really mean is…*shudders*…opening presents! The moment when all those hopes and dreams are fulfilled! Every one huddled around the Christmas Tree…garland bows and mistletoe hung with care…decorative apple spice candles glowing dreamily…a fire burning brightly and warm in the fireplace…a few wearing sweaters that are a little too tight and apparently like showing off their love handles and ass cracks…Grandma asleep and drooling in a rocking chair…the aroma of a baby that’s shat it’s diaper and the parents that won’t go change it because they don’t want to miss anything…brothers and sisters arguing politics…the drunk uncle or aunt saying you look like a “Space Man” (?)…the screaming children kicking and running and whipped into a present ripping frenzy by their sugar buzz…*sighs*.



YAAAAAaaaaaaaaaay…LET’S OPEN PRESENTS!



I have been blessed in my 54 years by being included…other than my childhood family (don’t ask)…in two other family’s “Christmas Festivities”. Yes I was taken into the fold…embraced as a member and subjected to all said family’s perks…”Christmas” being just one of them…*sighs*. I will be referring to them as “The Chris Family” and “The Mas Family”…two lovely little groups that couldn’t be further apart with their “Christmas Traditions”…they were each on opposites ends of “The Christmas Spectrum”.



Ahhhhhh “The Chris Family”…their Christmas I like to call…”The 3 Minute Christmas”. That’s just about how long it took them…perhaps 15 people…to tear through their “Bounty of Christmas”! It…was…chaos! Once the opening bell sounded…once the shot was fired…it was all arms and legs and ripping and throwing and elbowing and stacking and pushing and sliding! None knew whose was what and what was whose and the torn decorative wrappings just kept piling up and piling up and piling up everywhere! “What did you get? What did you get? Oh my God it’s beautiful! Where’d that go? What did you get? Where’d that go?! Thank you! Whose is this? Who got an extra large? Is there any more Bourbon? Mommy where’s the tiny tiny little mirror for my ‘Malibu Barbie’?! Thank you who ever got me this! Oh darn I can’t find it! Where’d that go? What did you get? I know it’s here somewhere!”…if one could harness the energy in that room…why…one could light all of New York City for a year!



As you can guess…I loved “The Chris Family Christmas” with my “Undeserving Light” shining on me…no one even noticed my distress and that was fine with me. After the dust settled on their Christmas Eve…all was well with the world…yes…this was observed on Christmas Eve…after a full day of booze fueled good cheer…I had to love those crazy f*ckers!



Oh boy…now…”The Mas Family Christmas”…which was observed on Christmas morning…6 am Christmas morning…*yawns*…their Christmas I like to call…”The Christmas Straight From The Bowels Of Hell”! Their Christmas was at the other extreme end of…“The Christmas Spectrum” and some had to rise at 4:30 am Christmas morning to make it there on f*cking time!



Picture if you will…25 people…not including greedy inpatient little children and shat filled diapered squawking little babies…all jammed into a room that was only perhaps 15 feet by 40 feet and also home to all the furnishings…couches…chairs…tables…the Christmas Tree plus garnishments…and then jam in said room another 25 people! I always chose my favorite leg numbing back breaking corner to sit in and yes…”That Baby” was sitting on it’s mother’s lap to my right and my “Other” was sitting in a nice comfy chair to my left! She would lean down and whisper…”Why are you sweating?”…I’d whisper back…”Because my nostrils are filled with the aroma of baby shat…I can’t feel my legs and my back’s killing me and everyone’s going to be staring!”…she’d whisper back…”Sit up straight...it’s only 6 hours!”.



“6 hours Mr. Tu? What the f*ck are you talking about?”…fair enough question…you see…



… one…and only ONE…gift was given to a recipient to unwrap while the other 25 family and assorted guests watched…ONE present…”Wait waIT WAIT…Old Uncle Thurston hasn’t finished folding and neatly stacking his gifts discarded wrapping yet…WAIT! Oh Thurston…that’s a beautiful pen!”.



You haven’t lived “Christmas” until you’ve spent 15 minutes watching an old lady thumb at the edge of Scotchtape! I would sit there and think…*For the love of God somebody help her! Open it for her! Jesus OPEN it for her?! Slap her…you’re right there…just slap her! I can’t feel my legs…SLAP HER!*.



Children fidgeting…babies crying (God the smell)…bored drained faces…on and on and on and on it went…gift after excruciating gift…it was brutal… heinous…TORTURE! And all the while I knew my moment was coming…my mind would scream at me…*RUN…RUN YOU STUPID BASTARD…THEY’RE GOING TO GIVE YOU A PRESENT…RUN!*…I would silently scream back…*I CAN’T FEEL MY F*CKING LEGS!*…*THEN DRAG YOURSELF OUT WITH YOUR ARMS…25 PEOPLE ARE GOING TO STARE AT YOU…DRAG GODDAMNIT!*. Of course my back had locked up…so I was caught like a rat in a trap.



She whispers again…”Why do you have to sweat so much?”…I whisper back…”Shut…up.”



Sometime around 12 noon it would all be over…everyone would crawl to different rooms of the home…all I wanted to do was club a baby seal to death.



Merry Christmas

Santa Baby
22:26 Dec 07 2010
Times Read: 929






Oh My Saint Nick! Christmas is coming and I’m so excited I could pee my cape! I love giving gifts! I do…I really do…really! Knowing one has the perfect gift…knowing how happy and excited said gift will make another…the feeling is just the best…THE BEST! God…I wish I was a billionaire…wait check that…a gazillionaire!



Why…if I was a gazillionaire…*ponders*…YOU ALL would have a black shiny brand spanking new Mercedes Benz sitting on your driveways Christmas morning! Wait check that… a black shiny brand spanking new Mercedes Benz filled to the point of bursting with cash…really…to the point of BURSTING!



I’d write 50 million dollar checks to homeless individuals with a cheerful “Ho Ho HooOOoo Merry Christmas!”…I’d hand out diamonds like they were M&Ms…I’d make sure every Animal Shelter had enough cash to keep every animal alive until they were adopted…I’d make sure every kid had a Christmas Tree crowded by every gift they had ever hoped for! Sugarplums…I NEED SOME F*CKING SUGARPLUMS! IF ANYONE SHOULD BE SANTA CLAUS…IT IS ME! ME ME ME!!



I know you all don’t see me in this light…this Jolly Old Saint Nick light…but…it’s true. Now…there is another light that shines on me…all year long actually…but…especially during the Christmas Season and that light is the Undeserving Light.



Receiving gifts fills me with dread…I have anxiety attacks when I know a gift could be coming…I feel embarrassed when I’m remembered in such a way. It’s always been like this…I can’t think of a time receiving a gift filled me with joy. Do you know what would fill me with joy? Being a part of a Christmas where I could just watch everyone open their presents and myself not have to…just let me sit in a corner and watch the festivities.



It’s not that I’m not grateful…although it may sound that way…I am. I do give a heart felt “Thank you!”…but…I fear the anxiety and embarrassment colors it as false. I don’t know what to do about it…I know from where it comes…but…I seem powerless to stop it…I’m having an anxiety attack just typing about this. Dread…pure dread…I wish it didn’t feel that way.



Do you remember Santa Claus ever receiving a present? Oh sure…perhaps some cookies and milk…but of course…he was all alone…wasn’t he.



Oh…I should add here that there is one gift that does not fill me with dread…ladies? Pictures of you in your brassier make spectacular stocking stuffers!



~Cracks a whip~…On Dasher On Dancer On Prancer and Vixen…On Comet On Cupid On Donder and Blitzen…FLY RUDOLPH YOU GREAT PATRIOT…FEEEEEEELYYYYYYY!!! OH HO HO HOOOO MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer
20:41 Dec 06 2010
Times Read: 946






Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer

Had a very shiny nose

And if you ever saw it (I have)

You would even say it glowed

All of the other Reindeer

Used to laugh and call him names

They never let poor Rudolph

Join in any Reindeer game

Then one foggy Christmas Eve…



Well we all know how that story ended…Rudolph the quintessential underdog…victorious…but what are truly the lessons of this story? Let’s take a closer look…shall we? Of course we shall…it’s my entry…don’t be an idiot.



“Rudolph the red nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose”…



Rudolph was a rugged individualist…he believed in the uniqueness of the one…he didn’t sit around and fret what the other Reindeer did or did not have…did he? Do you remember Rudolph whining and crying he wasn’t as big as the other Reindeer? NO! Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer marched to the beat of his own drum! Rudolph knew the positive value of being different…of being set apart. He didn’t run and post weepy vids on YouTube…little Rudolph was tough!



“And if you ever saw it you would even say it glowed”…



The one outshines the many…uniqueness lights the soul…enough said.



“All of the other Reindeer…used to laugh and call him names…THEY never let poor Rudolph join in any Reindeer games”…



Oh those vile…vile…vile other Reindeer…Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen…Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen! What I recall is they were a bunch of f*cking bullies! Mean spirited demons that tortured poor little Rudolph every day of his life! They were jealous…JEALOUS of Rudolph! They thought it was the right of every Reindeer to have a glowing red nose! They didn’t want to work hard to become successful…they believed it should be given to them! “WE DON’T HAVE A RED NOSE…WE DON’T HAVE A RED NOSE SANTA!”…a bunch of pathetic cry babies! I bet they petitioned Jolly Old Saint Nick to take away Rudolph's red nose…JUST TAKE IT AWAY BECAUSE IT’S NOT FAIR! WE WANT RED NOSES TOO GODDAMNIT! I bet The North Pole Gazette ran front page editorials slandering poor Rudolph…damning the only shining light they had! FOOLS! IMBECILES!…*scowls*…



Yeah sure…on Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen…Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen. “All of the other Reindeer” could do was pull the sleigh around in circles…running it deeper and deeper into the ruts they themselves made…BUT…it took Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer…that rugged individualist…to make it fly!



I’M WITH YA RUDOLPH…*salutes*…! FLY BUDDY! FLY STRONG FLY FREEEEEEEEE YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD!! FUUUUUUUUULYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!



“Then one foggy Christmas Eve”…



Foggy Christmas Eve indeed…

Holiday Break Ups
22:07 Dec 04 2010
Times Read: 984

Recently I have seen…here online…a number of “Break Ups”…messy…messy…messy affairs…a lot of accusations and name calling and it appeared…the males (of course)…behaved less than…maturely? Guys? What the f*ck are you thinking?! Do I…your eternal friend confidant and Life Guru…have to guide you in every last nuance in the ways of amour? Or perhaps…I should say…in the ways of un-amour? You want to extricate that HoneyBunny from your Christmas Gift List? You don’t have to leave them and then be subjected to lascivious demented and not very nice slander…have your character sit in the most heinous of judgment! It’s easy enough to make them want to leave you! Duh?!



Here are 10 surefire ways to lose that extra Christmas weight…trust me guys…follow these simple suggestions and women will treat you like The Black Death! 1…2 at the most will be sufficient…don’t get discouraged should you encounter a clingy one…just keep moving down the list…and by number 10…your worries will be over.



1. Smoke…even if you may not…tell her you do…~poof gone~

2. Be short…5’8 and under will suffice…~poof gone~

3. Immediately ask her to stay…with you…over the Christmas Holidays…~poof gone~

4. Let it be known you write vampire songs…~poof gone~

5. Let it be known you like to play games…such as…”Sexy Hitch Hiker”…and/or…”Escaped Convict And The Wardens Wife”…~poof gone~

6. Tell her about “The Vampire Rave” and what a cool…cool…community/site it is…~poof gone~

7. Be creative…show off that dark warped sense of humor you think is soooo funny…~poof gone~

8. Let it be known you rent and not own…~poof gone~

9. When she asks for a Sable coat for Christmas…write back in the form of a letter to Santa Clause:



Dear Santa,



I know…I know…I’ve been a baaaad boy all year…BUT…if you bring me a Sable coat (woman’s size and style) before Christmas…I SWEAR I’LL BE GOOD FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS! PLEASE?!



Yours Truly

The Vampire



…and….~poof gone~

10. Tell her laying in the sun on a hot humid sweaty gritty beach all day is…NOT YOUR THING...and that you’d rather be in an air conditioned bar doing tequila shots with beer chasers…~poof gone~



See? Do you see guys?! You men know…you KNOW…I’m here to help you. Why oh why didn’t you just come to me? Huh?! When have I ever…EVER…misguided you? Alright…ALRIGHT…I know I know…sometimes the most sensible course of action isn’t always apparent…Jesus…it’s like falling off a f*cking log!

Michael And Mr. Tu And The Greatest Gift In The World
02:06 Dec 04 2010
Times Read: 1,000

Michael…”That?”



Mr. Tu…”Yes Michael…that.”



Michael…”…~points~…That…~stab points repeatedly~…is ‘The Greatest Gift In The World’?”



Mr. Tu…”…~points~…Yes…that is ‘The Greatest Gift In The World’.”



Michael…”But…~looks confused~…you can’t play with it Mr. Tu.”



Mr. Tu…”Of course you can not play with…that is ‘The Greatest Gift In The World’ for a woman.”



Michael…”It…~looks really confused~…is?! Why?”



Mr. Tu…”Very well…I suppose it is time for you to learn the ways of amour concerning the fairer sex.”



Michael…”SEX?!…~covers face~”



Mr. Tu…”Women you little retard…women!”



Michael…”Oh…”



Mr. Tu…”First you must learn the value of uniqueness…~points~…that is unique in the world…there is only one!”



Michael…”Nobody has a gift like that Mr. Tu?!”



Mr. Tu…”No Michael…not King nor Queen…we are the only beings that possess…‘The Greatest Gift In The World’!”



Michael…”Is it better than a new car Mr. Tu?”



Mr. Tu…”Oh yes Michael…it is better than a new car.”



Michael…”Not even Barrack Obama has it Mr. Tu?”



Mr. Tu…”Oh Michael please…a thousand Barrack Obamas pondering for a thousand years would never create…~points~…that! Do not be an imbecile…Michael put down that JC Penny catalog…~snaps fingers~…Michael look at me!”



Michael…”YES SIR!”



Mr. Tu…”Now…the emotions this gift will wrench from the recipient…is as well…a reason it is ‘The Greatest Gift In The World’!”



Michael…”Is it better than diamonds?”



Mr. Tu…”Yes Michael it is better than diamonds.”



Michael…”Better than that two opened end hearts piece of crap that washed up movie starlet is hawking again but this time put into that ugly key?”



Mr. Tu…”Yes Michael it is better than that two opened end hearts piece of crap that washed up movie starlet is hawking again but this time put into that ugly key. As I was saying…upon opening…the female will at first be confused and disoriented and will have to produce the false…time worn…”This is nice!”…expression. It may take…perhaps…a few moments of use before the full impact of what exactly has been bestowed upon her…then…in a flash of understanding…said expression will change!”



Michael…”What will she do then Mr. Tu? WHAT WILL SHE DO?!”



Mr. Tu…”Well Michael…she will weep…she will run from the room clutching ‘The Greatest Gift In The World’ to her breast…overcome with emotion…tears of joy will cascade down her cheeks!”



Michael…”What? Is she gonna cry all f*ckin’ night?”



Mr. Tu…”No Michael…after she regains her composure she will run to you and I…she will throw her arms around us…she will nuzzle her nose close by our ear and whisper…*How soon and how long do you want me to suck your cock?*.



Michael…”We don’t have a rooster Mr. Tu?”



Mr. Tu…”Penis Michael…PENIS!”



Michael…”MR. TU!…~covers face and giggles~…LET’S GIVE IT TO SOME WOMAN RIGHT NOW!”



Mr. Tu…”Oh no Michael…‘The Greatest Gift In The World’ is too powerful…we must be very careful as to the female we bestow it.



Michael…”But couldn’t we give this one away…RIGHT NOW…and then make another one?”



Mr. Tu…”Oh Michael…such actions would merely cheapen and it would no longer be ‘The Greatest Gift In The World’! This gift will seal a female to you and I forever!”



Michael…”BUT I FEEL THE CHRISTMAS GIVING SPIRIT RIGHT NOW MR. TU!”



Mr. Tu…”NO MICHAEL…we were touched by the divine…we must show the proper care respect and responsibility such a creation demands. Are there two Sistine Chapels? NO! Are there two of The Great Sphinx of Giza? NO! We must not be led by your testicular whims concerning ‘The Greatest Gift In The World’!”



Michael…”WHATEVER!”



Mr. Tu…”We will just have to bide our time Michael…in any event…I am sure our readers do not believe we have ‘The Greatest Gift In The World’.”



Michael…”YES WE DO…IT’S…~points~…SITTING RIGHT THERE!”



*Michael and Mr. Tu sit and gaze in awe at ‘The Greatest Gift In The World’*



Michael…”You don’t even have a girl to give it to!”



Mr. Tu…”Shut up Michael.”

The Christmas Elephant In My Pants
21:22 Dec 02 2010
Times Read: 1,068

I used the word “Christmas” in the title of this entry because it’s December and the silly season is upon us…it just seems wrong not to have an entry… if even very remotely…refer to Christmas in some way and I suppose considering it is December I do have a Christmas Elephant In My Pants.



The American Heritage Dictionary defines an “Elephant” as follows:



El-e-phant (el’a-fant) n. 1. Either of two large herbivorous mammals, Elephas maximus of south-central Asia or Loxodonta africana of Africa, having thick, almost hairless skin, a long, flexible, prehensile trunk, upper incisors forming long curved tusks of ivory, and, in the African specie, large fan shaped ears. 2. Any of the various extinct or living animals related to either of these two animals. [ Middle English elefaunt, from Old French olifant. From Vulgar Latin *olifantus, from Latin elephantus, from Greek elephas, elephant-.]



Alright…let us really take a look at this and see how correct I am…shall we? Of course we shall…it’s my entry…don’t be an idiot!



Having thick, almost hairless skin…CHECK!



A long, flexible, prehensile trunk…CHECK!



Upper incisors forming long curved tusks of ivory…well…alright…I concede…but…wouldn’t that be f*cking cool?! TUSKS?! OMG can you imagine? CURVED TUSKS OF IVORY?!! Sure…sure…they’d be hard on pants…but…TUSKS!! I wonder if Strap On Tusks are available? If one manufactured holes in one’s pants to accommodate tusks…*ponders*…do you think said tusks poking out of said pants would be deemed inappropriate? Alright I have reconsidered…this is a…POSSIBLE CHECK!



In any event…let’s move on.



Large fan shaped ears…substitute “softball” for “fan” and…CHECK!



Hey…that’s three CHECKS and one POSSIBLE CHECK! I think this is pretty conclusive…if I bought an appropriate sized (I didn’t want to say little) Santa chapeau…bleached my pubic hair white…and procured a pair of Strap On Tusks…I would have A Christmas Elephant In My Pants! This is indisputable! OMG TUSKS!



This would change everything in the bedroom! “Honey your tusks are cold!”…”Stop poking me with your tusks…I have a head ache!”…”Just because you have them doesn’t mean you have to use them baby!”…”Only if you take off those damn tusks!”…”Look at what you’ve done to our 1600 count Egyptian black sheets!”…”I knew I should have never bought you those damn tusks!”.



This is a solid gift idea for your man this Christmas ladies! Ivory…stainless steel…gold…OMG GOLD TUSKS!!



Merry Christmas everyone.