THIS JOURNAL IS ON 193 FAVORITE JOURNAL LISTSHonor: 35 [ Give / Take ]
4 entries this month
The New Trick14:49 Apr 23 2012
Times Read: 643
OMG! I just found a new trick! When one is in a dating site...at least in POF...when one puts their cursor over a picture the arrow turns into a hand with one finger pointing up. Then one can take said finger pointing up and with careful mouse control make said finger stroke any area of said picture they wish...*winks*.
Oh come on...I know you're all going to try it!
I Asshole14:21 Apr 16 2012
Times Read: 660
I recently read a post wherein there was confusion about a man’s intentions…confusion as to his actions. Does it mean this? Does it mean that? This sort of tortured deducing. Now…if one remembers The First Rule of Life…the true answer…the ideal that will make all social interaction crystal clear in one’s mind…is this…they’re an asshole! I know! It’s simple!
See…I used to be, in my younger years, an incredible asshole! Jesus…I can pinpoint my incredible asshole moments all the way back to the age of four or five. I remember them all! Every…last…one! I still feel embarrassed about moments that happened thirty years ago…forty years ago! Again…I remember them all!
Oh ho ho ho…now now now…don’t get me wrong…I’m still an asshole…I’m simply no longer an incredible asshole! I downgraded! I took the time…I did the work, baby…of deep, deep introspection…soul searching…and I found my inner asshole…”THERE YOU ARE!”. When I found and identified my inner asshole…well…I WAS FREE OF CONFUSION! FerrrrrrrrRRRrrEeeeEEEEE!
You doubt me…I can sense this…so I will show you…prove to you…without a shadow of doubt…how…if you embrace the idea that everyone is an asshole, you will never…ever…be confused again! ~Lights a cigarette~…Let’s begin.
I have sent my 10,017th nifty, funny, whimsical message to a woman on a dating site. Hours later I see she has perused my original, funny, quirky profile…yet…has decided to not answer me. Now...most would sit and fret…the old “Was it this?”…”Was it that?”…and they would always wonder why their message went unanswered. Well not yours truly! I know why!
There are only two reasons why this communication failed and both become as plain as the nose…on… your…face…IF…you remember The First Rule of Life!
“Why didn’t that woman answer me?!”
Mr. Tu…”Because you are an asshole…sir.”
“Oh yeah…I forgot…thank you Mr. Tu.”
Mr. Tu…”You are welcome…sir.”
OR
“Why didn’t that woman answer me?!”
Mr. Tu…”Because she is an asshole…sir.”
“Oh yeah…I forgot…thank you Mr. Tu.”
Mr. Tu…”You are welcome…sir.”
Crystal clear…is it not? No sitting around brooding over what was or was not said. Ah…yes…I hear you…”How can you be sure who in the above example was…in fact…being the asshole?”…fair enough question…I’ll tell you how to deduce this complex question.
The fact that I have identified my inner asshole…and embraced it I might add…through deep, deep introspection and soul searching…this has allowed me to make the determination of who is being the asshole in any given situation. Now in the above example…should I have sent a message with graphic sexual content…such as…”Hey sweetheart…NICE BOOBIES!”…I would have known I was being an asshole and her reason to not communicate with me would have been understood and clear. BUT…a message sent that contained only funny, witty, whimsical banter that goes unanswered makes her the asshole!
Everyone is an asshole! Obama…asshole. Bush…asshole. Pelosi…asshole. Bawny Fwank…asshole. Sharpton…incredible asshole. Sheen…asshole. Ga Ga…asshole. Maher…asshole. Dog…asshole. Disney…asshole. Connors…asshole. Continue the list should you like…but…leave me out of it…I already know I’m an asshole!
C…R…Y…S…T…A…L……C…L…E…A…R! I don’t sit around and wonder about anything! Know! Find your inner asshole and you will be set free!
Sip Smile Repeat16:15 Apr 13 2012
Times Read: 686
It stopped me dead in my tracks...~Sip...Smile...Repeat~...~Sip...Smile...Repeat~. I narrowed my eyes and read it again...~Sip...Smile...Repeat~...it couldn't be that simple...~Sip...Smile...Repeat~.
A little girl being led by her mother teetered by...staring at me...I scowled at her with a small hiss and she startled and began to cry..."DON'T START THAT AGAIN!" said the child's mother sternly as she gave the little girls hand a jerk...I could hear the child whimpering as they traversed an adjacent isle.
MR. Tu..."Oh good one Sir!"
*I thought you'd get a kick out of that Mr. Tu*...I whispered to myself. ~Sip...Smile...Repeat~...~Sip...Smile...Repeat~...is this a philosophy I have overlooked my entire life? ~Sip...Smile...Repeat~...is it...The Key? I didn't know...I consulted my resident expert...Michael?
Michael..." Koolaid's okay, but it sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me..let's get Pepsi!"
Well we can purchase both..Michael...what flavor?
Michael..."...*shrugs*...Get grape!"
Grape sound appealing to your pallet Mr. Tu?
Mr. Tu..."...*shrugs*...Let us scare another child...listen...I can still hear the first one...great fun!"
Put it out of our mind Mr. Tu...we cannot dash about scaring children.
Mr. Tu..."...*scowls*..."
I scooped up four packets of Michael s beloved grape...~Sip...Smile...Repeat~...~Sip...Smile...Repeat~...the phrase echoed though my mind as I gathered the weekends perishables...~Sip...Smile...Repeat~...one frozen Jack's pizza...~Sip...Smile...Repeat~...one package of Sargento Cheddar-Mozzarella sticks...~Sip...Smile...Repeat~...one case of Pepsi...~Sip...Smile...Repeat~...one package of Fudge Stripes...~Sip...Smile...Repeat~...one bag of Honey Buns to finish up last weekends Sloppy Joe...~Sip...Smile...Repeat~...~Sip...Smile...Repeat~...that's it!
We dashed to the check out with our perishables and the promise of happiness...~Sip...Smile...Repeat~...and there...right in front of us...stood the mother and her wee daughter. The child clung to her mother's leg...twisting to and fro...peeking at me from the corner of her eye...don't do it Mr. Tu!
Mr. Tu..."...*quietly hisses and smiles*..."
The wee girl buried her face into her mother's ample thigh and began to whine...the mother sighed...looked at me...and we exchanged...with a shrug...a silent...*Eh...kids...what ya gonna do?*.
We rushed home and stirred up a big pitcher...(yes...I have one of those)...of promised advertised happiness! It sits here...with ice cubes (again yes...I even have ice cube trays now)...waiting to bestow upon me a face full of grape smiles...
...~sips~...~repeats~...~sips~...~repeats~...~sips~repeats~sips~repeats~sips~repeats~...where's the goddamn smiles?!
Mr. Tu..."WE HAVE BEEN HAD SIR!"
Michael..."I told ya it was a bunch of bullshit!"
That's FALSE advertisement! THAT'S FALSE ADVERTISEMENT!!
Michael..."You forgot the toilet paper HP."
DAMNIT!!
Black Men Can't Cluck18:36 Apr 06 2012
Times Read: 708
Let’s keep in mind that I am 55 years old…that’s 55 Christmases…55 Halloweens…55 Easters…55 Labor Days and 55 Fourth of Julys...so…with this length of life experience I feel very secure in making the proclamation…making the supreme judgment…that Will Smith clucked the worst “Chicken Imitation” in all of history and cinema! The…worst. This is indisputable…set in stone…end of story.
This pathetic attempt of pseudo clucking mimicry reared it’s very ugly head in the blockbuster movie “Independence Day”…remember that cinematic triumph? Well…it was a triumph until Will spewed forth that most pathetic…God awful…heinous…chicken imitation…God…I can still hear the horror of it. It’s forever lodged in my brain…oh the cellular waste.
Will is ready to gallantly rush forth and rescue mankind from the greedy alien force that has slated said mankind for extermination. The aliens want Earths resources blah blah blah. So in the parting scene from his lady love…who by the way was incredibly hot in the stripper scenes…*fans face*…makes an endearing off hand loving joke about Wills big ears…he does have big ears…unless it was some kind of Hollywood magic…but…I don’t think it was…I think they are actually big…but…I digress.
So…in response to this little endearing jibe…Will makes a comment about her “Chicken Legs” and this is where it all goes south! THIS…is where it happens! He makes a crack about her chicken legs (I really don’t think they were…*shrugs*) and then he makes “The Worst Chicken Imitation In The History of The World”! I don’t know that I can do this justice by typing…I don’t think I can capture the true strangled ambiance…the uninspired mimicry…but…*wiggles fingers…I’ll try. Imagine if you will a kitten with a stick rammed down its throat and then said kitten goes…”Bawk bawk bawk”…I swear…”Bawk bawk bawk”.
“Bawk bawk bawk…bawk bawk bawk”…WHAT?! If Will wouldn’t have made this sound…”Bawk bawk bawk…bawk bawk bawk”…directly after the chicken leg remark…I wouldn’t have known that it was suppose to be a chicken imitation…I wouldn’t have! “Bawk bawk bawk…bawk bawk bawk”. All I could do was shake my head. It’s pathetic and worse yet…it’s forever set in celluloid stone for all future mankind to hear…”Bawk bawk bawk…bawk bawk bawk”…Jesus. Didn’t you view the dailies Will? Didn’t you go back and view this rancid scene right after you shot it? Did you really think that that imitation did you proud? Good God man!
Come on Hollywood! You bring in linguistic people to teach actors accents and such! Are you telling me that you couldn’t bring in someone to teach Will Smith to cluck like a chicken? Are you telling me you couldn’t have overdubbed it?! “Bawk bawk bawk…bawk bawk bawk”…anyone could have done better! A..N…Y…O…N…E!
Now don’t get me wrong…I love the movie “Independence Day”…BUT…when it comes to the scene where Will Smith clucks like a chicken…I have to put my fingers in my ears and go…”La la la la la la la la”.
RECENT JOURNAL POSTS
Fomenter (8)
Premiere Sire (128)
Fomenter (8)
REAL VAMPIRES LOVE VAMPIRE RAVE
Vampire Rave is a member of
Page generated in 0.1229 seconds.
COMMENTS
-
Bellanova333
20:06 Apr 23 2012
lol perhaps some of us already knew of said trick ; )
MeanMeanMrTu
01:33 Apr 24 2012
*raises an eyebrow*