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And off he goes.



This morning I had my last lecture with one of the best teachers I ever had the pleasure of meeting. Having tried teaching and fallen on my ass at it (both metaphorically and literally), I really respect teachers who not only have the gift to teach, but who make the students enjoy themselves at the same time. The guy is special, plus he is really funny - and I adore guys with a sense of humour.



Lol, I swear if he hadn`t been old and married there would have been trouble *grins*. But I have never yet met a guy who was my age and was single, and who had this same kind of dry/sarcastic humour. When I do, I`ll probably be hooked.... but people like these are hard to find. And that is what makes them special after all.



I was beginning to forget that interpreting is FUN! My lecturers are such pompous sticks in the mud that I had really forgotten that feeling, but he brought it back and for that I am really grateful.



So, AVE MAESTRO!

We are never satisfied. Never. We always crave something else... always wanting more. Be it money, material objects, career, friends, lovers... It seems we are always striving for more... but is it really worth it? Or is it just another way of retaining a semblance of hope? Of telling ourselves that in future, things may be better?



Dreams sustain us and keep us alive. Without them, we are nothing. Of course, dreams and reality are very different. Yet, why give precedence to reality when living in dreams is so much more fulfilling? My 'real' life is nothing. A mere shadow, compared to my internal world.



Other people flit on the borders of my conciousness, thinking they are making an impression. What they don`t realize is that for me, they are the real fiction... while dreams are my real world.

Every week, I drown in his big black eyes full of pain and misery. His blank, terrified gaze, seeming to echo my own in asking that most awful and encompassing of questions; 'Why?'



Caught in a trap; on one side, the tumultuous road, on the other, a void leading to a fearfully sheer drop leading to pain and death. He stands there for hours, beneath the scorching sun. Without a drop of water. Without a word of comfort. A short rope hampers his movements, constricting him to a couple of feet in which to roam. Nothing more.



In the evening, his master comes for him. In one hand a bridle, in the other a whip. A long long night buried in an airless dark room. And then in the morning, again, hours alone in a tract of abandoned land.



And throughout the week, seeing no one but me. A lonley soul, mirrorring his emptiness. Asking the same question.



Why?

I opened eyes gritty with congealed eye pencil and tears. Black hair all over the place. An empty house, echoing my loneliness.



I blundered to the bathroom and dunked my head in the sink. I was in no mood to go out, but I had to. So, I put on my mask with more make-up, and a bit of confidence with my new jeans.



I don`t know why, everyone seemed to be staring at me this morning. Perhaps once more, I had that 'Don`t-you-piss-me-off' face. They tell me I often do that.



Anyway, I HATE feeling like this! HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT! The worst is that I know why... and it`s bloody PATHETIC. I can`t stand being pathetic. I laugh my ass off at everyone, so when I know I`m being a damn fool I really can`t stand myself. And that only makes it worse. I tell myself I`m gonna stop. That it`s never gonna happen again. But how can one stop feelings? I surely have no idea. STUPID STUPID STUPID.



So another fucken stressed out and psychotic entry. Lol. And no I`m not depressed right now... not really... when I`m depressed I`m MUCH worse!



I remember last time I had this enormous urge to... no I won`t say that; it`s mental. I should be locked. Anyway, I get these awful impulses sometimes, and they are really hard to control. Most of the time I don`t act on them (thank the Goddess), but I`m well aware it is NOT normal. Oh well, I never said I was normal was I? Eccentricity is the rule... hehe



Oh come off it; eccentricity my ass, I`m plain weird... and the worst thing is that most of the time I like it! And here I am talking to myself again! I wonder if I should actually publish this damn entry?!



Hmmm, it`s been a while since I`ve written in my real diary... and it shows! I use it as a form of therapy, so when I don`t write things just seem to want to leak out. I guess I`d better stop.

The wind caresses my face as I walk down the street. Hair, black as midnight, strokes my lips as I trudge along the pavement, bumping into unwary pedestrians. Discordant music blares in my ears, but my mind is elsewhere.



Always, always elsewhere. Inhabiting a land of dreams and shadows.



Something skitters at the corner of my vision. I start and turn sharply. Nothing`s there.



But it could have been....

It could have been....



... echoes in my head

I must say, lately I`ve been feeling pretty disillusioned with some people on VR. I had thought this was a site where everyone was honest and just, but, like the rest of the world, here too there are people who seem not to care about the suffering they bring to others.



First, a person I liked (a lot) and respected was forced to leave the site becuase someone was spreading lies and rumours about him. Then, there was trouble with members of my House, and now I`ve discovered there are rivalries and petty jealousies amongst people I won`t name; but who have high placing on VR.



Perhaps I was too optimistic.

I have the most awful impulses sometimes. I`m really awfully impulsive, and honestly can`t get those people who accuse me of being cold blooded and unemotional. Moi? I`m the most terrifyingly passionate and temperamental of creatures! Perhaps I just hide it sometimes.



Anyway, yesterday was really a day for these awful impulsive actions of mine... right here on VR. But thank the Goddess I reigned myself in. First, I wrote a totally awful entry in this diary. Gods! I don`t know what came over me. Usually I leave that sort of thing for my diary (the real one) but I guess the dam just burst. I had the good sense to delete it after fifteen minutes and am 100% sure no one saw it. Ten hip hip hurrays for PM!



Second, I was chatting with someone from VR (I love you to bits bitch) and was going to say something really top secret which I SWORE I wouldn`t tell anyone here. My best friends know about it, but that`s about it. So, I was going to just blurt everything out (and I knew that if I did I`d have no peace... *shudders* the least said the better). At the last moment I realized what a big a mistake I was about to do and literally had to take a break from the pc cause I was FLABBERGASTED at myself.



I am a really introvert person, yet sometimes I get these awful... well, the only way I can refer to them is 'bursts of thunder' (doesn`t make any sense I know), when I`m suddenly electrifyed by a million volts and end up doing something amazingly stupid which makes me look like a complete idiot. Each time I do something like that I absolutely die of mortification and end up crying it off somewhere... damn it.



Anyway... I`ve gotta remember the three C`s.

(lol, that`s another one of my secrets which I`m not gonna reveal)

And here I am again in this damn little room full of books and bits of paper typing away to the sound of shitty music. Damn it, it`s Saturday night and I should be out of this hell hole!



Well anyway, even when I`m out 'carousing' on weekends I am generally bored stiff... so might as well stay here and economize on the make-up.



This morning I was really perplexed. Usually I cannot cross a street without getting... not a comment, that`s normal enough I suppose... but I always get stupid guys WAVING at me! Yes, WAVING!!! I mean what the hell? Am I a six year old? And where does this happen? Always on the main road... with cars flowing all around and me hurrying and trying not to be run over...



Now THIS morning I had to go out wearing my glasses because of the damn eye infection, so I thought, 'Ok, at least I`ll get no bullshit today cause I look a mess'. Well, guess what? I had crossed the main road and was allready sighing with relief, when suddenly, over the sound of my full-blast shrieking mp3 player, I heared a lot of shouting and carrying on. I looked up, and there, on a building sky high, where FOUR guys waving, whistling and jumping around! And these were not teens mind you! They were all thirty something and they were working on a construction site... and there they were carrying on like schoolboys! For god`s sake... I was wearing glasses! My hair was blowing all over the place! And I was half asleep too! Wtf were they staring at? Was I such a monster or what?



Gah! I really can`t get men sometimes! 0_0

I must keep true to myself.



Damn it.



I keep on seeing people I know putting on cool pics of themselves and want to put nice pics of me... lately I`ve taken to carrying my camera around and now have some interesting photos... of me that is. But I CAN`T TAKE OFF THE MASK NOW!



Once I`ve decided something, that`s it. I`m a hard-headed bitch and no mistake. Stubborn till the end. So, too late, I must grit my teeth and keep off from posting any pics of me. Shit it`s an effort though.

Discovering something you never wanted to know is very painful. Strangely, it seems much much worse when you discover something about a person you hardly know, than discovering something about someone you know very well. You would think it would be the opposite, but, to my surprise, I have discovered it isn`t.



It is confusing, distressing, and yes, even frightening, to enter into previously unknown dimensions of a person`s heart. I have learnt things I would never have thought possible judging a certain person by short acquaintance. Knowing how much appearances can be deceiving, I was shocked... really and truly shocked, by how naive I still am in some regards.



Perhaps I am not so good at judging people as I had previously thought. Or perhaps this certain person is a master dissembler.



Again, I have learnt never to take something at face value. How often must this lesson be repeated and repeated, again and again, for my damn hard-headed self to completely assimilate it?



What is worse; being a complete actress, or realizing that many others are actors as well?

Solitude and Loneliness. There is a marked difference between the two.



Solitude is when you choose the deep silence of individuality. A place where you can be yourself. Totally and unequivocally. Where freedom is the only rule. Where there are no restrictions and you are your own sweet mistress.



Loneliness is when you are forced to be by yourself because of others. When you want to share your thoughts and feelings, laughter and tears, fears and joys, and have no one who cares enough to be there for you.



I love my solitude. I always have. It is the one moment in my life where I can finally BE myself and enjoy it. Unfortunately, it takes only an instant for solitude to turn into loneliness. A split second where the world turns upside down, and you realize that you are well and truly alone. Abandoned. That no one cares if you live or die.



In the end, my life can be summed up with a single question. Will I always love my solitude too much to part with my loneliness?