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Eventually, you do so much wrong you begin to hate yourself. The mental anguish from every wrong decision, every wrong word and action pulls you down until you are left in total despair. Eventually, just looking at a picture of someone you hurt smiling breaks you down into a fit of tears and self hatred. But for some reason or other, you find a reason to move on. It can be as complex as the idea of hope. It can be as simple as waking up in the morning just to see if something interesting could happen. Sadly, it doesn't have to be good or bad. Sadly, you end up wishing for both. And Karma's cruel joke to us all is simply this: she gives both in ample doses.



Karma is easy to overdose on. The happiness can make you take things for granted. Make you destroy more than you bargained for. And when the dust clears you realize the very thing you were trying to protect has been blown to bits by your very own suicide bomb. As for the bad; it has it's own cruel methods. You can look around at all the happiness you think you have, all the freedom you think you now are in ownership of and see that it all comes with strings attached. If you don't tug one, you are left feeling an emptiness nothing can ever satisfy. You realize that the love you always wanted was in your grasp; unconditional love. Love that never will die or go from you. But if left alone for to long, it can slip right between your fingers.



This is a war we live in. A terrible war. Who are we and what will we become? Can we survive or are we doomed to fail? What will become of us all? Only we have the clues. The real question is this: who will be there to welcome us when we stray? When we stumble, who will catch us? When we cry, who will hold us? We all can live alone and be content. But really, who wants no companionship? So the question remains; who will stand beside us? More importantly; who will stand by us regardless of who we are or what we do? Many of us are still searching. Some special few have found it. Some thought they had it, but it faded when times were hard. Some think they do have it, but one person may be looking for a cop out. Pathetic. Worthless. A true liar. A real fuck up.



To those who look for a cop out, we have no pity for cowards like you. For weakness like yours.



The anguish you causes tears my body to pieces, peals my flesh back exposing my broken insides. Your tricks have tormented me so long; I now hate myself. I wake up hoping something interesting will happen. I walk, breath, eat and sleep. Patience he said to me...my patience, good sir, wears thin.

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Ruitachatix
08:12 Jul 03 2009

thsi is so insightful, full fo emotion and so easy to relate to...Very inspiring

^^

~ruita~

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God, it burns...her face burns me...



My heart ached, like I had been stabbed. I have been stabbed...



Please, help me...

Sometimes I wonder why somethings in life are so complicated and messed up.



It seems like most doors that I open have a big wall that I can't get around.



And the rest of the doors are filled with smaller walls I have to climb or minefields that I must tip-toe around.



When will I find a door that doesn't lead to a wall I can't climb or a minefield that will destroy me?



Only time will tell.

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AzriellaRipley
14:26 Jun 24 2009

I feel the same way. Though I find I'm less looking for doors and putting up more walls, lols.

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newlyawaken
21:01 Jun 24 2009

ok hun i am gonna tell you what you always told me! its up to you and only you to deside wheather to brake the walls down..or climb over them....if something is worth it then do it with out a thought and if you dont think it is then save your energy...and god put them there for a reason if there was no reason for them they wouldnt be there ya know?



Good luck dear

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Worked 14 hours and 20 minutes yesterday. Got something similar going on today. Got to earn that money.



But, my feet hurt...only two 20 minute brakes...awesome.

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newlyawaken
15:14 Jun 11 2009

it will be ok hun :) you will do well, your boss has to be impressed so thats a good thing have a good day talk to you later

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I worked! Damn, took long enough. Shit, I hate not working. Being at home sucks something awful. I can't wait to get back outside and work some more. :D

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newlyawaken
15:39 Jun 07 2009

I am glad you could finally find work :)

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Not sure what to feel right now. I finally got the rest of my belongings from my ex. A pair of shoes, a sweatshirt, a pair of lounge shorts, a calculator, a belt and a cell phone and charger.



I guess this is it. The final curtain call of everything between us. All these memories thrown away and for what? Was I really such a bad person to deserve all this? Maybe I am the bad guy and always will be. Or maybe I am a good guy who is down on his luck. Maybe I put to much faith in the people I trust. A list of maybe this and maybe that that is longer than the miles I've put down with my actions and decisions.



I look back and realize that the memories will never pass, the photos that I picked up from the store have pictures of us during Christmas, when I bought her a beautiful corset. Photos of us on my 21st birthday, 18 solid and happy months into our relationship. We were a family once. Close to achieving our dreams. Now, we are nothing. And that is okay. My life is filled with photos of those who have left me and who have abandoned me when times got hard. I have yet to find anyone who can stick by me in the hardest of times. Is it my fault that I had to live through my forth divorce in 21 years of life? My fault I lost the home that has a Bible within the foundation, the home my mother and I watched get built from the ground up? Is it my fault that I did the best I could and was willing to do anything to fix things? Is it so bad that I just needed someone to hold on to, someone to hold me and tell me it was going to be okay? Is it my fault that my world got turned upside down when I needed to be something other than that? I guess it is my fault in your eyes.



The scent of you is gone from the sweater and shorts. The shoes and belt have lost their shape. The phone and calculator are dead. Now, my best friend is gone. My lover is gone. And this is proof positive of this fact. There will never be anything between us ever again. I can't go backwards and be anything less than your companion. It is to hard and a path that would surly kill me. I loved you with everything in me, the best of me. I gave you my best and it wasn't good enough for you. And you never loved me for real, never let me inside because if you did, you couldn't just be my friend after all we have been through together. I was just the next best thing, another guy you could try on for size. Nothing more and nothing less.



I have changed. But you are still the same scared girl I meet, unsure on who she is and what she wants. You are still fighting an enemy that doesn't exist and never has existed. One day, I pray you can be open. Pray you can trust a man and realize we aren't perfect. We will hurt you and you will hurt us. But can you forgive us? Can you show that kind of love? I hope one day you can.



You hurt me in the worst possible way and you knew it. You left me and broke my heart three weeks before my finals. You did this even though you knew abandonment was and is my weak spot. You did it knowing that my now ex stepfather had done the same right around Christmas. But you know something? Even though you did all this, I forgive you for hurting me like that. I did the moment it happened. I did it because I loved you and knew from the beginning of our friendship, before we ever dated, you would hurt me. It happens with every relationship. But I loved you enough to forgive you regardless.



And I only pray you can do the same for your sake and your sake alone. I pray to God for you every night, hoping one day you will see that you don't have to be afraid anymore. That you can be real and honest. I pray that you realize you have already won. I pray you find what you want and the man that you want.



I hope he can do what I obviously couldn't do for you. I hope he is worth your forgiveness and true love. I can only hope and pray for you that you find happiness.



God bless you, God keep you and God love you.

Maell