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I find it really hard to believe that employers in PA can get away with disciplining employees for missing work even if they have a legitimate medical excuse! WTF!!!

The question I seen to be asking myself quite a bit these days is"why bother?" I'm getting sick and tired of attempting to get an emotional support system. Now I'll admit that my problems aren't on the same level of people who have had to deal with violence and sexual abuse but they have extremely effected my life since jr. high. Although it did get to the point where I had a lame attempt at suicide at one point and ended up in the behavior health wing of a local hospital so I suppose that my problems can get pretty serious. And admittedly I had some ideations and fantasies about it a few nights ago but still. Anyway I'm tired of trying, hell I can barely tolerate people to begin with so why the Hell do I think I can handle an antire group of them who are trying to help me. The real kicker is that because of the type of personality disorder and psycholigical defect I have it makes it nearly impossible to approach people or organizations for help. Typing is easy but actually talking to and interacting with people is a supreme bitch and massiver Stress irritant. I finally managed to get involved with the local Pagan community and hinted that I might need help with some things. The problem is that there is no way that I could actually fully open up to any of these people because I know I would end up being an emotional trainwreck by halfway through the discussion. And how,for example, can I tell someone I barely know that just a few days ago I felt like so much shit that I actually fantasized and imagined in my mind that there was a Dark Angel,black wings and everything, who was encouraging me to slit my wrists because she could feel my pain and wanted it to stop and that was the only way she could. In my mind she promised that afterwards she would comfort me. Now I got over that particular bout of crap and that was pretty extreme since the hospital incident so it was a fairly isolated incident. But the point is the shit hits me on a daily basis and sometimes damn hard. I've pretty much admitted to myself that I'm not going to get help, there will never be a group of people that care enough to actally listen to me and help. And most of all, there isn't some mystical woman out there with the same tattoo as the one on my arm who is my Soul mate. I'll never find her, she'll never help me, she doesn't exist. I just need to say fuck it and realize that I have to do everything on my own, and if I want companionship I'll just get a cat or plant!

June 8, 2010 2:12 a.m.

I finally realized something today. I always knew that I felt things differently than most people. The problem is that I don't feel much at all. If something bad happens to someone, male, female, elderly, or child, I just don't care. I am energy sensitive so I feel the negative energy related to the event but it doesn't move me in any emotional way. The really bad thing is that it works the same way for positive things. The only real range of emotions that I have is excitement for certain things but that fades quickly, anxiety, stress, and mild amounts of anger and deprission. I have never truly felt love or passion and I am beginning to realize how much that sucks.

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Sinora
17:44 Jun 09 2010

Life experience normally takes care of that.

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June 7th, 2010 1:44a.m.

My only day off for the week is almost over and it sucks ass. Really hate my job. Talk about mind numbing work. Must do something about this before all Hell breaks loose in my mind. At some point I really should perform one of the energy/summoning expirement been meaning to try. Taking too much time attempting to relieve stress to actually do it. Definately need to try it soon. Hopefully it'll give me the shock to my system that might unlock some things. We'll see.

June 5th, 2010 1:23a.m.

Heard another story about the increasing levels of violence in my city. Guy who drove me home tonight said he got jumped and hit in the back of the head with a baseball bat a few weeks ago. Erie is turning into a shit whole. Beginning go rethink the possibility of using magick on the city. Found a nice spot to open up a Dark Nexus( basically an energy gateway[ kind of like the chakras in the body] that generates dark energy) near my house. If nothing else it should make people less likey to venture outside after sunsedt.

June 4th, 2010 1:21a.m.



Just finished the first day at my new job. What I do all day is check over tiny plastic parts and make sure there aren't any flaws in the plastic. I sense myself falling further into insanity. Just need to keep the job until I save up about a years worth of monthly expenses then I can quite and write my first book.

June 2nd, 2010 11:51 p.m.



This is where I begin my searching, and as I have said in this entry's title, this is going to be the most important question that I will ever ask of people. It mostly pertains to anyone within the spiritual or magickal community. Befor anyone responds to this I would ask that nobody gives me false information about this because it is very important to me.



There is a symbol that is centered around my being and may very well define who my inner self is. Unfortunately I do not have access to a digital camera so I cannot upload a picture. I will do my best to put it in my journal using the keyboard.



)>=:.

The last dot should be centered between the first two and the > should intersect with the ) then the whole thing should be turned upright with the dots on top. At some point I will upload a picture of it. If anyone has ever seen this anywhere else please tell me. Thank you in advance.



Lord Drasnith

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LadyDarkRayne
11:42 Jun 04 2010

Well to me it looks to be an alchemistic symbol.

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June 2nd, 2010 11:22p.m.



Second day on the sight and am very encouraged by how much response I have had so far. Forgive me if my responsed are few and far between for the time being. When I level more I will definately communicate more.



Lord Drasnith

June 1st, 2010 10:37 pm.



First journal entry. I am sending out a call for help. Forgive me for sounding desperate buck I am tired of feeling the pain. Just feeling despondent right now, had a rough day. It'll pass. But seriouly I do need a mentor/guide into using dark energy and unlocking what I can feel is truly inside me.