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How do you write down in words without starting with the truth? "My dad is giving up and wants to get off his life support machine Aug 7" He's been on it for nearly 6 years now? Years years down the road, he was on the darth vader mask for sleeping at night. This was when my son was just born, this is nearly 13 years now. But this isn't about 'back then' it's about now.



Why? He's tired, depressed, losing his eyesight, what's quality without quantity? This has been the big question. His quality of life is nearly nothing now, but he suffers from owning his scruples. He has all his marbles, quick witted, smart, and hopelessly sarcastic. Rightfully so. When I was maybe 17 years old, we were told he would have maybe 6 months to live, boy were they wrong...way wrong. I'm 33 years old now and have said goodbye to my dad so many times that I pray I have taken a few goodbyes for other people, does that make sense?



Am I depressed? I cry, yes. Ready for it, yes, but sad of course. I think the tears are of anger. I'm across country, and he's doing this when he KNOWS I'm coming to see him in the middle of Aug. Why is he leaving without me saying goodbye, yet again? Would he change his mind if we had another one of our many breakfasts together? I'll miss that the most. He always liked the mornings best, sick bastard.



What's worse than this? I'm going to be bringing my son here to live, but our send off will be the funeral of my dad. It's going to his Bobby, my son, so terribly hard. Ron, my elder brother, is going to make certain he gets to see dad the night before this happens. Ron says he's going to explain to Bob that umpy died in his sleep last night. I'm not going to be there to hold my son for this blow, this makes me angry as well. Is it that my dad didn't talk to me about this? No, he's a grown man and makes his own decisions, this is what he wants. I can only pray for an easy send off.



Will he be in pain? Will he fight this? The silence alone of the machine will frighten him beyond words. My brother assures me that that won't happen. They'll start the morphine drip well before they do anything at all. He'll be sound asleep, and his body will gradually just become jelly inside. He'll know peace...finally. He's doing this to maintain his dignity. He's tired. He's my dad, my only parent I have left.



Last time I visited him was in December. I explained to him I know where mom is; she's at our old house (on the spiritual plane) sitting at the kitchen table smoking her cigarette and drinking her coffee waiting for you to come home. She says that she blames herself for his condition, yes I told this to dad, because what I saw and heard is true. She explained to me, sitting in her bathrobe, (which I still have in my stuff I saved from home) that it was her choice in the ICU one of those many times we've gone that he could die now or they could put him on a breathing machine. My mom chose the machine because she says that she wasn't ready to let him go just yet. Technically it was not her decision to make, but they are in love, who could fault her? Unfortunately she didn't know that she was going to die first from lung cancer, and he would have another 7 years living in a hospital room. Things don't always go as planned, maybe this will what dad plans.



My beloveds father has strokes, seizures. He reminds me of my dad before he got so terribly sick he was confined to a wheelchair. My friends dad is sick with a blood sickness, honestly I forgot what it is in my current state of mind (sorry), but happily he doesn't have cancer. My dad chooses to die. I would happily go through this to know that their dads would be ok. It's just me.



Maybe I could send an email to Sharon and Ron as a goodbye letter. It would be better than nothing. Sharon could read it to dad at least, I know she would. After what an inspiration my dad had been through my life, it was be the barest minimum I could do, besides pray for an easy transition to moms house, after his death.



Doctors say that after a tramatic death, separation, or divorce one should NOT make heavy financial decisions. What of Nocturne, my masquerade ball? By the time it is thrown my dad may be gone for only less than 8 weeks. Will my marbles be intact enough to focus on this? Every detail, every project, every financial responsibuility? Will I hold together? I don't know.



I give thanks to my Beloved Daniel for being with me, giving love, support, and encouragement. These are the times that reminds us not only how fragile life is, but also that we are truly organic creatures, and that one day one of us will not be here for the other. We can only live each day as our last, as I have been for the last 7 years since my mom died.



My brother will NO doubt be there for my dad, as he had my mom that night. He bore such an incredible strain emotionally. When he walked by you could almost hear steel bending, such an awful noise.



So here I sit, knowing that my father, my dad, has decided this. He can change his mind at any time, up until the morphine kicks in. My prayers will be there, this will not be easy. I pray that all his friends, the nurses, doctors I grew up with, hospital staff which he has come to know as his family, and my brother give him the support he needs during these final weeks.



Peace to the dignified. My dad.