The following questions and answers were actually collected from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16-year-old students! (Don't laugh too hard----one of these kids may be the President someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
can i jess say ..
i am lookin RATHER cute today
LMAO !
"There's my smiling girl!"
"You gotta be one tough chick hun, to put up with all these asshole oil field guys."
(hahah
i told him that MOST of the guys that come in my store aren't TOO bad lol)
"I'm so glad you're the one working tonight"
"Yah know... if i come in here and its not you working, i go back out and go across the highway"
Hey Gorgeous!!"
(poor delusional fellow lol)
All in all it was a good night at work .. HECTIC.. but good ....
i went to sleep
and i woke up
(go figure huh? lol)
but the problem is
its 3:27 AM and i woke up .. *shifty eyes*
i'd much rather be sleeping ... dammit
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.
A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2
teeth every 10 yrs.
People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop ...even your heart. This is why people have always said "God bless you" after a sneeze.
Only 7% of the population are lefties.
40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
The average housefly lives for one month.
40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. Don't ask how.
A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.
Among the music catalog's that Michael Jackson owns the rights to, is the South Carolina State anthem.
In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.
The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth.
They are reused in vein transplant surgery.
Humphrey Bogart and Princess Diana were seventh cousins.
If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
COMMENTS
I think the way they hurt themselves on a toilet is not making sure the seat is down first and try to sit down when its up XD
yesterday was a good day :)
and just in case anyone ever needs to know this,
the fish and chips are AWESOME at The Brewery Pub and Restaurant in Breckenridge, Colorado!!
things you night just not know ...
1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of
cotton
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp
(marijuana) paper
3. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a 'tittle'.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will
bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the
glass to the top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of
Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were
misspelled.
8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had
red eyes. He was albino.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong
parents, daily.
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and
sister.
11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous
system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up
into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the
shark to explode.
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland
because he doesn't wear pants.
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.
16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and
'lower' because in the time when all original print
had to be set in individual letters, the upper case'
letters were stored in the case on top of the case
that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and
draw with the other at the same time (hence,
multi-tasking was invented.)
18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out
during World War II were made of wood.
19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan;
there was never a recorded Wendy before!
21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme
with: orange, purple, and silver!
22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took
him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it
instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original
'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.
25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four
pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest
amount of money in coins without being able to make
change for a dollar (good to know.)
26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your
back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought
this list was completely useless.)
27. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old
English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your
wife with anything wider than your thumb.
28. The first product Motorola started to develop was
a record player for automobiles. At that time, the
most known player on the market was the Victrola, so
they called themselves Motorola.
29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more
calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has
in it to begin with. It's the same with apples
30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you
from crying!
31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified
kosher.
32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for
being the book most often stolen from Public
Libraries.
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before
they go into space because passing wind in a space
suit damages it. I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS.
34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart.
'Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars.
O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking
around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE
woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in
the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail.'
COMMENTS
Oranges, poranges, who says?
Oranges poranges, who says?
Oranges poranges, who says
there ain't no rhyme for oranges?
Witchypoo and the Witchypoo Band
H.R. PufnStuff
Witchpoo rulz!
and who says you can't learn somethign new everyday ..
Ohhh I lubbs your cleverness *hugs*
All pretty interesting...but the last one made me laugh. Leave it to George Carlin.
i work from 1 to 9 tonight
its 2:55 now ..
Chris has already been in the store twice :)
COMMENTS
* perks ears ...Chris you say ... hmmmmmmmm interesting :)
lolol yessshhhh :P
is it over yet ?
just wonderin ...
COMMENTS
it aint over until the fat lady sings... and i haven't started yet..lol
LMAO !!!
oh STOP hahhah
buried way back in my journal ...
**********************
sad fact is .. i answered honestly .. lol?
It would seem that you are not very loved or missed.
buzzed :)
went out to visit Sue, and while there had a couple frapps&buttershots, and brought some frapps HOME for the buttershots i have here .. and i am drinking my ... erm .. fifth ?? maybe?? sixth?? i dunno .. but either way .. im buzzed lol
of course i hadda ball with Sue lol .. and some of our Shell regulars came in while i was there ... and some folks i had never met of course...
omfg there was this one dude... *sigh*
i dun even know his name ! ... but omg he was gorgeous ... we were just chit chattin .. and he asked me if i work there and i told him NO but that i work over at the Shell... and he said OH WHEN?? i said i work again tomorrow night and he said he'd come see me :) ... I'll believe it when i see it, but the flirting was fun :)
im kinda hoping Jeff gets to come in tomorrow night .. and as much as i HATE to admit it ... i would love to see Chris too ... maybe he was telling the truth the other day ... maybe things at work just got crazy and then He hadda stay home longer than he had intended too ... MAYBE not ALL men are lieing TWATWAFFLES ...
okay yeah .. i must be DRUNK to be having thoughts like that .. lmfaooooooooooooooo
I
COMMENTS
i
am
ready
to
kill
these
DAMN
maids
so
i needa rant ..
if you're not ready for long and boring lol hit your browsers back button NOW
*waits*
okay .. so .. heres the deal ...
i work from 2 in the afternoon, til 10 at night, and when i come in at night .. i cant just lay down and go to sleep .. no matter HOW HARD i try ....
i get on the laptop, go thru my couple hundred emails a day .. chat some friends.. cruise journals .. this that and the other .. and usually end up watching a movie OR TWO before i can sleep.. so sometimes its 2 or 3 am before i lay down ... its just the way i am ...
so we have had NUMEROUS conversations with these maids about my sleeping schedule.. EVERY MAID.. more than once.. and we were told that it would be FINE that they not come til after 2...
well.. NOW suddenly that has changed, not that they ever DID it any FUCKING WAY .. they have actually taken the DO NOT DISTURB sign out of the key slot, and OPENED THE DOOR and come on in before!!! or (and this one kills me) .. KNOCKED on the door with the do not disturb sign on it .. to ask if i wanted maid service .. WTF ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!??
heres a hint.. LEARN TO READ AND SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH GAWDDAMMIT!!!
SO.. there was a big blow up yesterday.. with the "HEAD MAID" i guess... shes a NON AMERICAN bish that doesnt even clean rooms, she just looms over the rest of them... came in bitching cuz they hadnt nbeen in the room yet ... not bitching at the girls but bitching at ME AND RAMBLIN !... well.. this did NOT set right with me :)
When she said.. "is there a certain time we can come in?" i went off ...
OMFG we have told EVERY ONE OF YOU what time to come in......
of course now she conveniently forgets that even SHE was been told and agreed that 2 is okay, and shes all "Im so sorry you were misinformed.. blah blah yadda yadda .."
So Ramblin has gone to work .. and they are standing beside our motel room door.. hollering back and forth ... slamming doors and just in general being PAINS IN MUH FUCKING ASS!!!
i put the towels out
i put the garbage out
i put TWO Do Not Disturb signs on the door.. and its fucking LOCKED and BARRED .. if they knock on the door.. im either not answering it and just calling the main office.... OR ima open it, and grab a do not disturb sign offa it and SHOVING IT STRAIGHT UP SOMEONES ASS !!!
now
im going back to bed
and if hey dont stop acting like my door is MAID CENTRAL ... .. ima go HOMICIDAL ...
ACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!
ni ni :)
COMMENTS
*Knocks on door*......sleeping pills madam ? *runs*
LMAO !!!! or a good stiff .... drink :P
Do they HAVE to come in every day? You trash the room that bad that they have to clean it daily? LMAO
Seriously, that must be completely and utterly head-bangingly crappy.
actually lmfao no lol i am perfectly content making my own bed but my roomies like to have to whole "tub/sink cleaning thing every day, and vaccuumed every day .. and we DO gotta get towels every day and the garbage taken out .. lol
i jess want them to WAIT TIL I HAVE SLEPT lololol
tonight a customer said to me as he was walking out the door ...
"You must be a very happy person .. every time i come in here, you're just smiling and laffing and talking to everyone... like you're just so happy to be here .." ...
awww....
stuff like that makes ya feel good ...
if he only knew ..
so
i cant sleep
im about ready to back out of going out with Sue tomorro---tonight, rather
even though Ramblin JAZZED up muh blue jeans and i have some great new shoes to wear... im just not feeling it alla sudden
its like that old saying ..
what goes up MUST come down.. .. yanno?
i was so FUCKING DELIRIOUSLY GIDDY just a week ago .. ok a week and a day .. but now ... i realize..
i shoulda fucking known better..
i mean seriously ..
someone like THAT .. actually, honestly, REALLY interested in ME.
HA!!
the note he passed me was so sweet... the things he said and did were so sweet... and he was SO just looking to get layed.. and he didnt get that ..
and i havent heard from him since last Sunday afternoon, when he came in the store to get something to eat.
WHAT THE FUCK was i thinking?
he was just drunk and horny.
he's prolly married.
he's not gonna go get the Harley and come take me for a ride
im not gonna see him again
im FUCKING stupid for letting myself think .. well for just letting myself think.
GOD
i just cant believe i was so fucking stupid
but i can PROMISE YOU THIS
it will
NEVER
HAPPEN
AGAIN.
it's finally set in.
i have whined about it for years and TRIED to deny it and make it not true
but
it just ... IS
if you're reading this .. tell me something...
whats your BIGGEST fear??
and i dont mean like spiders or snakes of heights...
i mean your biggest LIFE AFFECTING fear...
mine?
is being alone ..
no wait .. i AM that ... lemme rephrase..
mine is DIEING ALONE, without ever having known what it feels like to be really LOVED...
and ya know whut?
im watching it happen ..
im even pretty much settled with the idea
i wish id never met him...
he gave me that one night .. he dangled it in front of me, he showed me what i have always wanted, and he jerked it away .. AGAIN .. just like the rest..
give me a taste then BAN me from the feast
i just ....
fuuuuuuck
why me
why NOT me
id rather it just be over
AND YESH I AM HAVING AN EMO MOMENT
FUCK YOU .. you dont have to read me :P
i never shoulda left Alabama...
i shoulda stayed in my nice safe lil hole where the world couldnt touch me...
i bought stuff to perm my hair today
and add some wild colored highlights like i have been wanting since we were in Wyoming
and i got new shoes
and new clothes
and Ramblin worked so hard to make the jeans into exactly what i wanted, and they look fucking AWESOME cuz shes GREAT like that ....
and what for ? what difference does it make?? WHY FUCKING BOTHER?? Doll up so another horny drunk can say a few sweet words and try to rack up some stray, and leave me feeling useless worthless and STUPID ... AGAIN ?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!!!??
whats the use?
*sigh*
i shoulda stayed home and rotted away peacefully, and kept everyone there from being mad at me, and blah blah blah ...
i shoulda ended it a LONG time ago ....
COMMENTS
I understand... *hug*
I know you hurt... I don't want you to hurt.
I love ya girl... always have and always will.
*Hugs*
Tonight, I am going to go out with Sue, and a GANG of folks lol in fact, we dont even KNOW who all is gonna end up meeting us at the bar...
i am kinda wishy washy about it lmao
its been SO LONG since i have been out, much less out partying lol
I think, considering its gonna be with Sue, theres a pretty DAMN good chance its gonna be a good time lololol
got my nails done today finally,m they look good...
now if i could just think of something wilkd and new to do with my hair for tonight lol
NOT that it would do any good ....
i was SOOOOOO enjoying my day off
as much as i luff John to death ...
i HAVE to wonder what the fuck is up with this whole "gotta take the g/f to the DR" ... thing
maybe i am just pissy cuz this was my only day off
i dunno
ACK
but
here i go
off to work...
after staying up most of the night cuz i thought i was OFF today
fuckity fuck fuck fuck
the funniest shit i have ever seen in my FUCKING LIFE !!
i just.....
i mean ....
call it what you want
it IS what IT IS ...
lmfao
jerk-off fodder
lmfao
and how impressive !!
and how great it must feel to know that countless, fat, sweaty, nasty, socially inept, did i say NASTY ??!?!.. porky, old men, will be rubbing one off... to your pics
*shudders*
SeleneTremere !! yay !!!
Sinora hadda guess... unfortunately incorrect...
any one else ??
(copy of a former post)
Wednesdays Random Question ...
and just like last week.. first correct answer gets an image if you want ....
Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
COMMENTS
Liberty.
sally sue XD
Victory? That's my friend's dad's boat's name.... Not very original....
How about "Obsession"?
Black Pearl
I know, I know....
*DING DING DING*
dong??
oh lol sorry ...
we HAVE A WINNER !!!
SeleneTremere, you got it baybayyyyyyyyyyyyy :)
*goes to message her and let her know*
just a tidbit of helpful info ..
if you get a pen stuck in the copying machine..
always make sure you leave a note for the other office workers so they know what happened :)
gotta love mass mails
lmfao
COMMENTS
and it sure would be nice to use proper spelling and syntax.....
That's bound to come in handy at the office lol
LOL
Wednesdays Random Question ...
and just like last week.. first correct answer gets an image if you want ....
Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
these may be SUPPOSED to be classic Southern Expressions, lol but i gotta tell yah, i have only heard about four of them lol
*********************************
Exclamations:
"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
Threats:
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
Good Things/Compliments:
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."
The Weather:
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
Descriptions:
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a
marble floor."
Insults:
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."
Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
***********************************
now the BLESS HIS/HER HEART thing ... THATS
a classic Southern thing .. erm ,, excuse me .. THANG lol
really...
i dont mind...
i have the screen shot :)
you should have AT LEAST corrected your spelling mistakes when you deleted my comment :-/
(see entry below)
COMMENTS
You're mean, but sexy! ;)
awww *blush*
ty :)
*re-blush*
heres a giggles for joo ....
Join me in outting the tardishness wont joo?? lolol
COMMENTS
BWAH HA HA HA HAAAAAAA....
:)
lololol
OH MAN !!!
he deleted muh comment !!!
hahah
good thing i took the screen shot :P
Let me know when he finds a cure lmao
no shit huh ?? lmmfgdao
so yeah
im drinkin :D
i have a nice giggly buzz :)
im jammin some GREAT TUNES on muh laptop
and tomorrow ... ima be hanging with Wendell and Jarrett !!! i cant wait to see them lol and i cant wait til THEY see ME in Colorado lol they gunna SHIT
Wendell is Travis Tritts guitar player, and Jarrett plays keyboards ...
heres a vid of muh buddy Wendell, (dark shirt) jammin with Charlie Daniels.. the little boy is Wendells son, Wylden :)
Link to YouTube Page
COMMENTS
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