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Kira picked up the razor tenatively, not sure she was ready to do this. She looked into the mirror. The light was bright, too bright, so she turned one bulb off. "There, that's better", she thought. She looked at the dark circles under her eyes. Lack of sleep, stress, and depression had all taken their toll on her young body. She stood there, thinking about her past and all that she had overcome, but it wasnt enough. Her strength had been tapped and she just had no more to fight with.



An hour earlier, her ex had reminded her just how worthless she was. She realized that she could never be half the woman that he deserved, or that any other man deserved for that matter. She was tired and frustrated. She was cold and alone in a sea of humanity. Her body had given up a long time ago, and tonight her soul quit as well. The only thing that was working was her mind and it told her repeatedly to just give up.



Fifteen minutes had passed and she felt no effects of the pills that she had poured into her system. Clearing the medicine cabinet had left her still feeling empty. Empty. That was a feeling that she was used to. She had spent most of her life empty. No one had ever really showed her the affection that she had wanted, needed so badly. She sought it out in drugs and liquor, sex and promiscuity. Never finding it, and always searching. What was she searching for? Anything. Anything to fill that void that was growing by the day, the hour, the minute. She just didnt want to be empty anymore.



The pressure on her wrist began to grow and she realised that she had started to cut in her daze. The blade had slid in so easily, so effortless was her attempt. She maneuvered it upward, drawing closer to her elbow, severing the muscles and the skin. She felt the warmth of the liquid begin to spill out over her flesh, and for the first time in her life, she didnt feel cold and alone. She didnt feel empty. When she reached the crook in her arm she stopped and removed the blade.



She stood there, staring at the redness that dripped to the floor. She smiled. That kind of slow smile that crosses only the faces of those who are perfectly at peace with theirself. She felt her heart beat faster as she began to sweat a bit. The pills were kicking in and she was dizzy. There was a pain in her stomach, though it was dulled by the adrenaline that was coursing through her veins, trying desperately to replace the missing blood that was spilling out.



She leaned forward, bracing herself against the sink before easing herself to the floor. There, she curled into a ball, holding herself. That was all that was left to depend on anyway. Herself. She hugged tightly, assuring her mind that she had made the right call, the right decision. Inside her, somewhere, her soul cried out in anguish. "Help Me, Help Me!" she muttered. It was so quiet that no one heard. It was the middle of the night and everyone was fast asleep, there was no one left to hear.



The morning sun rose in the Eastern sky and that side of the world began to awaken. Everyone was opening their eyes to the most beautiful sunrise they had ever laid eyes on. But there was one small body, one pair of beautiful eyes that didnt open. On this morning, a scream was heard in one house as the sight that met that pair of eyes was more sadening than any they had ever witnessed.



Lying on the floor was a balled up corpse, surrounded in a pool of thick, dark red blood. On the white wall behind her were two simple words. "I'm Sorry" in red. She had used her finger for her pen, and so it was that Kira's life stopped. Or did it begin? Only Kira knows.



Perhaps she ended up in a world where there was no more loneliness, no more pain or cold receptions to the love that she tried so desperately to give, and seek. Perhaps she is in a world where light prevails and the sunrises are always beautiful, where it never rains and never snows. A place where children always have enough to eat and there is always shelter and a caring heart to lend a hand.



They claim that no one knows the last thoughts that went through Kira's head, but they are wrong. There is one person who knows what those thoughts are. That person is me. On that cold, lonely night in December, I thought that no one loved me, and that no one ever would. I thought that I was alone and that I would remain as such for the rest of my days. I thought that I wasnt good enough and that I could never make ammends for the wrongs that I had commited.



Now I see that I was only fooling myself. It is true that I was alone, for no one could understand me, comprehend my thoughts and hopes. No one could convince me that it was worth living or that I was more than I let myself believe. Dont you see, you silly people.... I AM KIRA.



....and I am still here....



You cant see me, or touch me. You cant hear me or carry on a conversation with me. But, you can still feel me. Every time my favorite song comes on, you feel me. Everytime it rains, you feel me. Everytime the wind blows or a bird sings, everytime you hear a child laugh or cry, you feel me. I am everywhere.



And just so you know, the answer is no. I never found a world that was without suffering, for without it there is no compassion. I never found a world that there was no rain or snow, those things are necessary for survival. I never found a world where there was always a helping hand, that is why good friends are hard to find. There will always be at least one hungry child, one human that is enduring some form of torture and pain.



But, if there is one thing I know, it is that you need to cherish every moment that you FEEL alive.. because in the end, it is that feeling that matters most. Goodbye.



Sincerely,

Kira