The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

How long is too long to grieve? How long does it take for a death to stop effecting you? How long does it take for you to figure out how to fix your life so you can be there for the ones you need and want to be there for? My father has been gone for one year fifty one days and seven hours and it still feels like yesterday. I wrecked my whole fucking life because I can't figure out how to make things better. I can't figure out how to fill that hole and the many holes I have now that have happened from a direct result from it. I pulled myself back inside my shell and cut off the one person I shouldn't have and it cost me everything. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I get better? Why does it still hurt?



Even one year later around that time I shut myself away. I pushed everyone I loved away and tried to handle shit myself but it didn't fix anything. It made things worse. I hurt the only person I care about. Badly. I let her down when she needed me because I was selfishly worrying about my own feelings instead of hers. I put my pain above everyone else and I shouldn't have. Not above her.



I keep thinking since the day he died of all the things I could have done different or better. I have nightmares about the night he died and about him being alive still when we buried him. I wake up crying like a fucking child over a year later. What is wrong with me? Fuck I'm a trainwreck. No wonder she's better off without me. No wonder she doesn't want my added baggage. Who could blame her? I'm a piping hot mess spilling out over anyone and everyone in my path. I suck. Like seriously. I'm a terrible person. Who could love me now? I'm untouchable. Maybe it's better that way.



I love her. I love her. I love her! I love her so much but I don't deserve her. She deserves better than me.



You're probably safer baby. Keeping me at arms distance like you are is safer. I always end up hurting the ones I love so you're making the right choice. I'm not worth it. Not anymore. I'm a broken toy. A shell of who I used to be. And I hate myself for what I've become.

It was nice texting you tonight. I missed it. I'm sorry for being so terrible. I guess I never really realized how bad I am. I mean I make comments sarcastically sometimes or when I'm depressed but this time is different. I really do have issues. I'm beginning to think I'm not boyfriend material. I'm impulsive and I have a hard time admitting when I'm wrong. I used to be good at it. I fuck up and I'd say so but it seems like the last couple of years I've been bad at it. I dunno. I feel guilty for how I treated you. I know it doesn't change anything but it's true. I have to live with it now. I deserve this. I'm sorry.

Had to work till 11pm tonight. Gotta go in at 8AM tomorrow. Fml...

Headache again. *sigh* I'm beginning to think that's just how it is now. I wake up, headache. Go to work, headache. Come home, headache. Go to sleep with a headache. Ugh. But I'm off tomorrow and the next day so here's to Netflix and headache or something like that.

I don't know why but I feel really sad today. I haven't done anything eventful at all. I just feel like crawling into a hole and staying there for a year. Hopefully it passes. I don't like feeling this way.

Work sucked the past two days but yolo. I'm off tomorrow and I work Tuesday but after that I'm off Wednesday and Thursday so yay. My headache is still there but it isn't as bad so go me. 16 days till Far Cry Primal. I may or may not have upgraded to the deluxe edition. :O sorry not sorry.

My head has been killing me all day. Like ugh. I'm so sick of headaches it's not funny. Hopefully I'm feeling better tomorrow morning. Got work and I don't want to deal with a busy Saturday with a headache. But it is what it is. Fml.

Ordered some pizza after work. I'm off tomorrow so that's good. I could use the break. After tomorrow I work Saturday and Sunday morning then I'm off again on Monday so there's that to look forward to. I preordered Far Cry Primal too. It looks like it might be interesting. Go me. Off to watch the X-Files.



On a side note. I hope you're okay. I haven't gotten a single text from you since that night. I know you probably want some time away from me and that's okay. Just know that, even though you don't believe me when I say this, I do care about you. I hope you are well.

I think I'm getting sick. I have no energy today and I just feel like crawling into a hole and hibrnating for a while. Like maybe even for a long while. I dunno. #dontwannadoanthing

Massive headache tonight. It sucks but at least I'm off work tomorrow so I can sleep in. That is if these people will let me. Oh well. It is what it is. *sighs* Off to watch The X files until I passout. Go me.