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The house knows that a man no longer lives there. She actually heard the house giggle right before the door knob broke. Things are breaking regularly now. Dryer. Dishwasher. And alas, the door knob. It's like a car warranty expiring the day before your engine blows up. The only conclusion can be...cars and houses are sentient, and they have sick senses of humor!
It HAS to be that the house is doing this. Whose door knob breaks? She has lived in old homes with their original door knobs. This one is only a few years old. One day, with no warning, it was as though someone had locked them in. You could turn and turn it, but would the turning yield the obvious result? No! It only has ONE job...to open the damn door. That's it. She does not ask it to help out in any other way. Just be a door knob.
There may have been a few expletives, but then what does your cool-headed and quick-thinking heroine do? She takes some Tylenol and eyes her bed longingly. Then, she hastens off in search of a tool. And because your heroine is a chick, she does not limit herself to tools the man kept in a red metal box in the garage (which he has taken), oh no! Your heroine is resourceful and opens many kitchen drawers. She rejects all of the cutlery sadly, after double-checking each.
Then, buried in the junk drawer beneath old Glade plugins, trash bag twist ties, a bottle cap that reads, "Sorry, try again" (which she believes to be a message of Providence), and one orange shoelace, she finds a multi-tool...thingy. A quick once-over identifies a phillips head tucked into the chamber, and so, she marches back to face the door.
For a moment she misses that guy, but a quick flashback makes the multi-tool thingy shine in her hand beneath the tastefully subdued foyer light. (Damn, she has good taste.) And so, to the accompaniment of humming angels, she lifts that thingy and unscrews the door knob. She reaches the guts of the beast inside and confirms that, indeed, a round...thing within has broken and now, the door knob does not hook to the thingy in the jamb and something clever must be done.
Just then, she discovers that a fingernail placed just right at the top of the lock assembly could engage a sliding mechanism that retracts the thingy in the jamb. Cool. She teaches her young and beautiful blonde daughters the secret of the door knob guts and they all decide that they can live with this.
The next morning, our heroine sleeps in after a long day at the Renaissance Festival, a bit too much mead and codpiece inspection. She awakens to the sound of a power drill. The guy had come by to see his beautiful blonde daughters and did not know the secret of the fingernail. He spies the open wound and exposed guts of the door knob and begins to pull things from his tool chest. He carries off the locking mechanism to the far away and mysterious aisles of Leowe's.
My smiles at your writing were replaced with laughter at stabbs comment:) I love your words. My life would be the poorer if I ever had to go without them.
When you don't care for an administrative action, you always have the option to rate that admin's profile a 1. It will probably make you feel better. It's FAR better than possibly asking a question or opening a dialog with them.
I hope you now feel that you have expressed yourself. I'm surprised that you forgot my portfolio. I invite you to add your 1 there as well. I want you to feel as good as possible. Have a lovely day.
Woohoo! 1's for everyone...wait, I have been down this road if memory serves. And with a final total rate of 2.68 I took that cake and it was bitter, so none of this stealing the show by asking for 1's o.0
You guys are so funny. 1s are a non-issue. I actually don't mind if someone expresses an opinion that way. I was having fun with the person. And to their credit, they came back and changed the rating. Not sure I'll ever know why because they blocked me.
You know, I've lanced someone only to have what appeared to be tiny caviar come out. And no I'm not making it up, person was stung by something at their pool, and they were seeing me 3 weeks later- it was one of the strangest things I've seen in my practise.
My friend explaining a winter day to me because I haven't experienced many. My friends often sound like poets to me, just when they describe the things that inspire them or give them pause:
"There's the sound of the wind, but not the sound of it rustling anything, just that one rasping rush... makes the wet thuds of snow sliding off an edge somewhere so much punctuation, the crack of an exploding tree so much more so. You breathe different... too deep and it hurts, but it's crisp and clean and completely devoid of humidity so you almost want to pant like the whole place is really frozen"
My friend, Liam, has fueled new nightmares with this revelation about the freakouts of nature.
Liam: my roommate just showed me part of a nature documentary covering a fungus that has parasitic spores that infect ants... they start acting illogically, then climb up toward light, clamp on to something sturdy, die, and have mushrooms explode out of their heads
Liam: that's mildly horrifying
Joli: oh my god
Joli: that's horrible
Liam: isn't it? apparently there are a number of subspecies which each victimize a single type of insect. The ants seemed cleverest, though... anyone they found acting crazy they carted off to the middle of nowhere
Liam: it just strikes you as something out of a bad science fiction... stage 1, locate host. stage 2, take over its brain. stage 3, direct host towards a safe place to grow. stage 4, kill host and use its body as fuel for the fruiting body. stage 5, release millions more spores
The intelligence of these little creatures is something that comforts me. I have no idea why. Maybe it makes me feel like humans aren't the only social creatures like this. We're not so alone.
The fact that they "know" is incredible and fascinating.
Almost as cool as the lancet liver fluke (Dicrocoelium dendriticum), which spends its adult life in the liver of its host, usually a grazing mammal. Once it mates, the eggs are excreted by the host in its feces. Then a snail comes along, eats the feces and becomes infected by the larval parasites. Once inside the snail the parasites burrow through the wall of the gut and take up residence in the digestive tract where they develop into their juvenile stage. The snail's body reacts by growing cysts around the parasites which are then excreted. Ants become the secondary host when they use the snails slime trail as a source of moisture and ingest some of the cysts filled with lancet flukes.
Inside the ant the parasite makes its way to the gut and then begins to move all through the body. Some of them move to a cluster of nerves below the esophagus called the sub-esophageal ganglion, where they take control of the ant's actions through the manipulation of the nerve bundle. As the air cools at night, the parasites cause the ants to climb to the top of a blade of grass where it clamps on until morning (much like the fungus). As the air warms, the parasite releases control and the ant goes on about it's usual day. The heat of the day would kill both the ant and the parasites. But each night as the air cools, the parasites again take over and the ant climbs to the top of a blade of grass where it spends the night with its mandibles clamped onto the grass. Eventually, a grazing animal comes by, eats the grass and ingests the ant. Then the cycle repeats.
Exposing people...that's my gig. I'm the Vampaparazzi! You know this guy? His name is actually misleading...You see what leaving off a few letters can do? Sneaky clever boy. Don't be fooled, though...to the coppers, this notorious guy's street name is Stoned Crow. Here's a surveillance shot I got of him scoring a rock.
Yeah you have to be careful with that one... you sure that's rock? Word has it he's onto the psychedelic drugs now... if that's sugar- run for da hills!
oh, yeah... I'm a gift alright...the gift that keeps on giving. I give until it hurts.
*steps on Joli's foot with my hoof*
hmph, I say.
Momma Monkey
00:01 Nov 15 2008 Times Read: 1,348
Beastt and I were just chatting away and I mentioned how I want sea monkeys. I really do...oh, hush! Sea monkeys and Magic Rocks were some of the coolest moments of my childhood...setting everything up with my dad and hearing him explain the science behind them. Besides, do you remember the comic book ads?
Ohhhhh, it took soooooooo long for them to get to me. My mom cleaned out a mason jar and in went the packet of sea monkey eggs. Day 1...nada. Day 2...hmmm is THAT a sea monkey? Day 3...Grrr! skunked again! My sea monkeys were a bust. But I long-nurtured in my heart that perhaps I did something wrong.
Fast forward to my mommy days. We shall revisit the sea monkeys! This time, the set came from a she-she la-la toy store and cost a purty penny. I got the kids all pumped up and...no sea monkeys.
But I'm asking myself, now that those daughters are 12 and 15...did I do something wrong? Soooo...I pull up YouTube and lo and behold! People DO have sea monkey successes
Anyway, I tell Beastt that I am going to check Amazon for a cheap sea monkey set and he asks me if I'm considered an executive at work. Well, my official title has executive in it, but... "Why?" I ask.
He pastes the Executive Sea Monkey Tank he has just purchased for me. I am momentarily pissed, but then...sea monkey bliss took over. You know how it is. And check this baby out...it's a far cry from a mason jar. I will finally get the respect I deserve!
I made him order himself a sea monkey kit, too. He said only if I call him now and then to talk sea monkeys. Poor guy. He has no idea what he's asking for!
Sea Monkey Fox Hunt? There is a phrase that comes to mind containing the words "sick" and "bastards". The whole phrase contains only one space and isn't necessarily in alphabetical order. I wonder if we could come up with a nice game for the marketers involving a water slide and a shark. ;-)
I would have preferred that your order arrive first. I'm stunned at the speed with which mine was delivered. But I didn't have them shipped to me because I'm rarely home when deliveries arrive. So I'll likely not actually take delivery for a week or so.
06:05 Nov 10 2008 Times Read: 1,406
I can't help laughing every time he says, "hang on, I have to put my jumper on."
No, no, StoneCrow...a sweater. They call sweaters "jumpers!" It's the most adorable thing to hear a grown man say he's putting on his jumper because I do the same thing you do, thinking of baby jumpers, except that I think of those all-in-one outfits with the snaps down the inside of the legs. We call those jumpers.
Oh yes, Nicnivian...I DID! Look what your careless hands have wrought!
Noshairatu
21:34 Nov 06 2008 Times Read: 1,514
Morri's hair was struck by lightning. It is re-animated undead zombie hair. You have seen photographic evidence. I beg you, do NOT trust the hair for it has its own agenda!
Yesterday, one of Morri's hairs crawled into a piece of birra's sushi and greeted him. He was only able to fend it off with a wasabi bomb while he made good his getaway!
I am glad I was not the first that asked that question, and now that I have seen it in print.. I actualy no longer wish to know.. MENTAL FLOSS WHERE ARE YOU!!!
Moocher the Admin
20:42 Nov 06 2008 Times Read: 1,538
After eating my lunch, he grabbed the mouse, started doing my work, pulled up VR, moderated the forum, and opened a chat window with Morri! I'm going home early!
His mommy called us while my daughter and I were en route to taking him to spend the night at our house. We thought Meatball would have had a great time with him, but alas...his mommy wanted him. We turned around and dropped him with her. She's about 4 feet tall and 3 years pregnant! She's forgiven for being a little preoccupied and now I know where he lives. His name is Scrappy...she should be toe-stomped. He'll always be the Artful Moocher to me.
Thank you. Good that his mommy was looking for him. :) Poor Meatball will have to find another playmate.
Now you know why mom would never let us watch animal shows. I always cried when they was in trouble or hurt.
*such a wimp*
Lost again
20:31 Nov 06 2008 Times Read: 1,543
I expect the panicky lady to rap on the door again any minute. This is the second time this week that her baby has wandered into my office. Today, a client nearly ran over him. I reproached her day before yesterday about no tags and she said she knew and would get them right away. Still none.
I'm hanging onto him in my office so he doesn't get hurt. We shared my sandwich and he's a complete sweetie. I'm worried about this little guy. This is downtown and very traffic-busy.
Check out this face. I call him the Artful Moocher :)
First off, this is a simple request...NOT racism! Every time someone broaches this subject, "racism" gets thrown around. India has one of the richest and oldest cultures in existence. I know this. I have read and appreciate the Bhagavad Gita. So, get off me in advance. Thank you. (This disclaimer brought to you by the letters D and A.)
So, onto my subject of interest. To the average American nose, there is a scent in some curries from India which is unpleasant and repellent. It gets into the fabrics of their homes, restaurants, and clothing. It can even come out of pores and has the misfortune for the unaccustomed nose to associate the curry smell further with body odor.
When I was younger, my parents rented a house when theirs sold earlier than the new one was ready. It smelled of curry throughout. Even after steam cleaning the carpets and scrubbing the kitchen and walls, the odor remained. It's probably why I avoided curries my whole life. I've come to understand that there are lots of different curries. The Thai coconutty ones are not bad and certainly don't have that scent. Just, the word, "curry" makes me instantly suspicious of a dish.
So, onto my long overdue question... What is the exact ingredient in the curry dishes that gives it that odor that is so offensive to the American nose? I have looked into curry ingredients...I can identify many: ginger, cinnamon, garlic, cumin
I know these scents, and even with other ingredients, they are not the culprits. If you are very familiar or maybe make curries, can you tell me what specific ingredient may be responsible?
My husband is italian cajun. He has always said that the smell came from the mixture of the ginger and peppers. Here is a list of some of the other scents that you are smelling. A mixture of turmeric with several spices including cardamom, cinnamon, cloves, coriander, cumin, and fenugreek, made pungent with ginger, chilli, and pepper.
It is a secret ingredient that they do not advertise Jo. Monkey dung left in a sack over a steaming pile of goop from freshly scrapped arm pits...o.0 It is dried and added at the point of service.
Asafoetida is a hard resinous gum, grayish-white when fresh, darkening with age to yellow, red and eventually brown. It is sold in blocks or pieces as a gum and more frequently as a fine yellow powder, sometimes crystalline or granulated.
Bouquet: a pungent smell of rotting onions or sulfur. The smell dissipates with cooking.
Flavour: on it’s own, extremely unpleasant, like concentrated rotten garlic. When cooked, it adds an onion-like flavour.
SPICE DISCRIPTION:
Asafoetida gets its name from the Persian aza, for mastic or resin, and the Latin foetidus, for stinking. It is a gum that is from the sap of the roots and stem of the ferula species, a giant fennel that exudes a vile odour. Early records mention that Alexander the Great carried this “stink finger” west in 4 BC. It was used as a spice in ancient Rome, and although not native to India, it has been used in Indian medicine and cookery for ages. It was believed that asafoetida enhanced singers voices. In the days of the Mughal aristocracy, the court singers if Agra and Delhi would eat a spoonful of asafoetida with butter and practice on the banks of the river Yamuna.
CULINARY USE:
Use in minute quantities, adding directly to cooking liquid, frying in oil, or steeping in water. Asafoetida is used mostly in Indian vegetarian cooking, in which the strong onion-garlic flavour enhances many dishesPREPARATION & STORAGE:It is vital to keep asafoetida in airtight containers as its sulfurous odour will effect other foods and spices. It is most commonly available as a powder or granules that can be added directly to the cooking pot. It is also sold in lumps that need to be crushed before using. This is a very powerful spice and even in its ground state lasts well over a year if stored properly, away from light and air.
I looked into the fine particles of ground currie, perhaps it is not so much the ingrident but the way it absorbs into porous surfaces, I know mustard has stay in power as well. A saturation of curry, is indeed noticable, I woould look to cooking sites to find a counter measure for toning down the curry in a dish. Perhaps lemon?
COMMENTS
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STABB666
20:36 Nov 29 2008
Dammit!
I wanted to be the guy to give you a new knob...
Joli
21:00 Nov 29 2008
OK, that's funnier than anything I wrote!
Irony
23:10 Nov 29 2008
My smiles at your writing were replaced with laughter at stabbs comment:) I love your words. My life would be the poorer if I ever had to go without them.
Beastt17
00:14 Nov 30 2008
A drill?
captainglobehead
13:46 Dec 01 2008
I never doubted the outcome.