Mom (I called her Bahama Mama sometimes. And me, Behamie Jamie.06:59 Nov 17 2007
Times Read: 954
Yesterday, Thursday the 14th, around 4-6pm, mom was cremated. It is so hard to think of my mom being burned. I watch 6 ft. under, I know how it works. I also am aware of our bodies being mere vessels and all that shit, but the images that form in my mind about it all just are unsettling. From them getting her, to wheeling her there.
Thursday started at 9am, when we had to get up to go to the funeral home to put together the obituary and pick out urns, etc. I wanted one of those necklaces that you put the ashes in to wear. I got a bird, because mom is flying now and flew when she got high and also, she loved Jonathon Livingston Seagull, which if you haven't read it, you should. It's a short book. But has a deep meaning. Neil Diamond did the soundtrack and mom LOVED Neil. I mean, not just liked, not JUST loved, I mean, LOVED. She believed they were soul mates not together in this lifetime. Mom was a sensitive soul. The soundtrack is spiritualistic and pretty.
Harmony picked out the paw, which could be any animal and Nana loved animals. We would watch animal planet and she would weep for the animals. We would bitch together about how people could do that to an animal.
Josh, Justin and Danny picked out the eternity symbol, which looks like the number 8.
Dad and I picked out mini urns and he got a bigger one too for the rest of her. Sounds odd huh? "The rest of her...".
Dad, being a religious man, put in the obit that she was a baptist. I said, "She stopped going to church when they told her she was going to hell. She hasn't been back. Now, she was very spiritual.". Josh agreed. "She wouldn't like that."
We put in there that donations should be sent to St. John's children's center. Mom sent money to them every month. Has for years.
Danny found a book that I gave mom a few years ago, that had blank pages and questions to answer. It was a mother to daughter deal. I had always wanted her to write down memories for me to have, to share, so they would not die. She never got around to it. But this small book had some. One memory she put in there was from when we were in K-Mart a long time ago. I was about 16, maybe 17. She happened to casually mention that I was predictable, somewhat jokingly. We fucked with each other all the time. So I grabbed her and dipped her in my arms and kissed her hard on the mouth. I couldn't hold onto her and she went to the ground laughing. We were in the aisle at K-Mart laughing loudly, her on the floor. She said that she would not be calling me predictable again.
She was a rebel like me. I am a bit more out spoken about it, but not by much. And if she were out in the world more, we sure could have tore up some shit. We rallied for pro-choice in Tulsa and got our pictures on the front page of the newspaper in Bartlesville. I was 5 months pregnant too!
When we took her to see Neil Diamond in OKC a few years ago, we got matching dresses. I wore mine today. I am taking hers home...hell, along with many other outfits! Anyway, we wanted to get her as close as possible to him. So we kept buying tickets from people out front, to get her a bit closer and closer. We ended up with 2 extra tickets and Josh was up in an upper level, Danny and I in the middle and mom ended up about 12 rows from the stage. She was 4'11 and when people in front of her stood, she couldn't see. She also wanted me there with her. Josh had stayed behind for awhile in the bar, to get a buzz on and was dancing up there during the show. I had to take a Xanax because of the stress of getting mom close to Neil and all the people. It was cool though.
Once when we were working at KISS photo (we owned the photo lab), mom got high and couldn't run the machines. She had to always have help. It was funny. I went across the street to get us Mars bars quite often.
Mom didn't have friends. She had us kids. I was her best friend and confidante. Her counselor, her cheerleader. We would gossip about celebs and solve the world problems, if only people would listen to her.
She was so sensitive and extremely shy. So she had a hard time meeting people. And, living way out here in the middle of nowhere, it's hard to meet people anyway. She lived for when we visited and made her laugh and feel special.
Once we were sitting on the back porch, of course they were all getting high again, except me, and it was cold out. She had her jacket on and over her head a bit. We decided she looked like a Jedi. So we named her Nanakanobi. We all laughed about it. The next day we all went to Wal-Mart and lost her in the grocery section. So I had them page her over the loud speaker. And they did it! "Nanakanobi, would you please meet your family up front? Nanakanobi!". HA! We all laughed our asses off, including her. She got a huge kick out of it. We couldn't believe they did it. :P
I asked the funeral director to call me/us when they were going to cremate her. I wanted to...I don't know, just "be there" for her and send her love as it was happening. I almost wished to be there, but I don't think I could do that. I had heard of people pushing the button for their loved ones. Hmm, dunno about that either.
He called to let me know and I went to Justin's room to his pc and played the CD I made before we left, with Neil Diamond songs on it. I cried and cried. I can't believe she's gone. I mean, this is just insane, so surreal. We are here at her house and she isn't here. Her stuff is here, but she isn't. And we had to go through it all and we all felt like we were intruding on her, and her privacy which she valued dearly and we respected. I had to go through her clothes, etc., last night and it took a long time. There were many outfits that I had gotten her that still had tags on them. They were nice outfits that she was saving for special occasions. Her granny did that too, she would say. Saving the good stuff for a special occasion.
Wear it now, use it now, tell you love them now.
When I first went into her room, I leaned over to the opposite side of the room from where her bed is, where she passed. I may sit on it tonight, alone. Dad hasn't wanted anyone on it yet. Danny layed on it earlier after making the bed, when Dad was gone. Danny has been very upset too, as he and mom were very close. She considered him her first son and she has been his mom for almost 16 years. His own mother is in Idaho. He said my mom was more like his mother than his own. More like him. He was so good to her and was at the hospital all the time. Our friend Neil was too and has been here for us every day. He has been wonderful too. Mom told me that both Danny and Neil were so gentle and kind with her and she was so grateful for that. Neil has been here crying with us too. His very sweet mother has made food for us everyday and sent it with Neil. I love her. Very sweet and high minded Scorpio. His dad is nice too.
One of her Shih-tzu's is just walking around aimlessly, head and tail down, looking for her. And I can see a sad face in the dog. Last night she walked slowly into mom's room and stood in there, wanting to go to bed. I went in there with her and had her lay on a towel for a bed. See the two dogs, Scooter and Skeeter were at mom's side all the time. When she would turn off the TV late at night (around 3:30 or 4am), the dogs knew to start for the bedroom and sometimes she would say, "Let's go to bed!", and they took off like they were being herded.
Skeeter runs out her dog door when the Andy Griffith theme song comes on, which is a lot, being mom's favorite show. She does this because when bad weather is around, the satellite goes out and makes a loud sound, scaring Skeeter and she runs outside or in mom's room. So then she just became conditioned to the sound.
Mom was everyone's touchstone and comfort. And I was a comfort to her. She would look to me and Danny too, to help her with something. Dad could help with the financial or huge problems but being a truck driver and gone a lot, he is rarely home.
Dad will not admit that she committed suicide. So it's up in the air. But she wrote that note to me. I don't know how the hell she could have, but that note wasn't an old one. And the way she was talking and acting, and the look we shared before I left....I just don't see any other explanation. I don't like mysteries. I have to know. He didn't want me to know about the note because he said he didn't want me to get hurt or think badly of mom. He doesn't know me very well. That could never happen. In fact, we are relieved to a certain extent that she did that, or comforted. I don't know if that came out right or not, but maybe you can understand. I am so angry and hurt that she had to go through that and all the agony she endured. Hurt for her that she was overwhelmed by what was to come and what was happening to her. It's just unbearable to think of her suffering. And she had talked about not wanting to be here anymore for years to me. I guess this was the last straw for her.
I called the sheriff to find that note. I wasn't going to get dad to cooperate. He had told everyone that he didn't want me to see the note. Jealous? I don't know. But it said,
"I just can't live this way any longer (or more). I'm sorry Jamie.".
Me, she wrote it directly to me. Out of everyone in her life, I was her soul mate. That means so much to me.
When she was in the hospital, she almost died. Her second dialysis treatment went badly. She bottomed out and her blood pressure and blood sugar bottomed out. She was so scared and upset. She got back to the room and started sobbing about it all. I held her tight and kissed her, hugged her and told her she was safe. She was alright now. She was having a panic attack and all the shit just hit her when that episode happened. I clicked for the nurses for something to calm her and ended up having to run to get them as Danny held her. When I got back, she said, "You understand don't you? You understand.". I did. I understood about all the shit that was happening and all that she would have to endure. It was just too sad. And it wasn't something that could be avoided. The situation was beyond our control. It wasn't like she could skip dialysis or decide not to do it. It had to be done and it hurt working with that tube sticking out of her chest. She was told the next day that they would be told that a fistula would be put in in a few months to use. That would be an operation on her forearm, connecting an artery and vein to use for dialysis. It was just too much.
Anyway, I went round and round with the cops. They said they couldn't give me the note now, and not sure if they ever could! I was so pissed. They were talking slowly and surely and taking pauses in-between to make sure they said the right thing. They said they couldn't give me the note (The one with my name, and might not give the other page with the other part, even though I said it was all part of the same note), until the coroner called them. That he would be gone though, for the next 4 days and so I couldn't get my note til next week maybe, if they talk to the coroner. That just made no sense. I told him that the coroner called the funeral home with the go ahead for cremation, so why would they need to hold onto the note? I said, "I just don't want that note to end up as evidence on some shelf, meaning nothing to anyone, and it means a lot to me. We were very close and this is the last correspondance I will have from her." He said he understood and would take care of it. I am to call him back when we come back for Thanksgiving. I better fucking get it...both sheets.
We were thinking they were keeping it from me because Dad told them not to tell me, or show me. So I wonder if they are holding out on me. I would like to talk to a lawyer. I want both pieces of paper.
So as you know, I am a ghost hunter. I want to know about the other side. I need to know. And mom and I have had talks about letting each other know, whoever goes first. I keep waiting on a sign. I would love to go to Sylvia Browne to talk to her, get word from mom. But it costs about $500 for a session. And while I can do reads for other people, and see things and hear things otherwordly, getting random info sometimes, I can't will it, and I can't do what Sylvia B. can do, or John Edwards.
I have read that time is different on the other side. That, on this side, it can be months before they come to you, but on the other side, it is like a few minutes since they passed over, and it takes awhile to adapt to the way it is.
So I wait...I wait for mom.
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