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Late last year, I began work on a rather... peculiar book...



When it's late at night; when I'm very tired; or when I'm intoxicated; I become philosophical. VERY philosophical. (and frisky too, but that doesn't do my book any good...)



And while I can have quite the debate (and having been able to debate a philosophy major under the table over the colour of a bottle cap) while drunk, I also tend to render philosophical statements that are twistedly amusing, yet make perfect sense, even to the sober mind.



What has occurred to me tonight would be one of the more serious questions asked of my not-so-energetic mind.



Read and decide:



If you out live everyone else in your life, does that make you the winner or the loser?



Sure, you're still here, while everyone else is six feet under. Does that make you the winner?



Or, seeing as how you've had to face the loss of everyone in your life, and you're left standing all alone, does that make you the loser?



Consider these questions, before you decide to celebrate OR mourn the passing of those around you...







Having read that, think of scenario one; the person who is so bitter, shallow, and resentful of those around them, that this person is willing to dance on the graves of their dead family and friends.



Now think about scenario two; the last man standing; alone on a hill top, surrounded by the graves of his family and friends; everyone he ever cared about is now below his feet; all he has left in the world are the tears he sheds for the departed.







It's now up to you--he or she who is willing to debate me--to decide; which is the winner, and which is the loser?

We've all had someone tell us that if you talk about your problems, they don't seem so bad. It's like waking from a terrifying dream, describing it to someone, and suddenly the dream seems rather silly.



But what of when you talk about your problems, and suddenly, they completely change?



Now, I know this isn't an absolute change for me; it's just an improvement...



Consider for a moment, yesterday's posting: "That's what family is for, part 2". Reread, if you're curious. My words will re-tell the happenings of this past week.



Consider for a moment, that without naming names, I'd thouroughly described what ails me in the "family sector" of my life.



Consider for a moment, that just today, I received an apology from my cousin/bro, and an (unnecessary) explanation of his problems bordering on an almost admission of guilt. (Guilty of what--other than lashing out at those people who are closest to him, and would have his back anytime--I have no idea.)



Consider for a moment, that just today, I received an apology from his ex-fiance, whom either yesterday or the day before (I cannot recall which), was berating me for accusing her of doing something which I did not. I guess she thought that asking if she might have done *something* is the same as accusing her of doing *something*. Oh well, I'd rather not argue with her about anything--she cheats at Clue/Cluedo, and she knows I'll always hold that against her. LoLz



Consider for a moment, that while I'm not always willing to trust someone who can turn on me once (as they are fully capable of turning on me again), I find this situation much preferable to having enemies "of my own house".



Still need a new crew, though. Need people, completely unrelated, whom I can run away from my family with for a while.



Oh well, no matter how far I ran, "I couldn't get away". One might have better luck running from one's own shadow...

I need a new crew!



For many years (far too long, now that I look back at it all) I have been of the opinion that I didn't really need friends, my family are all the friends I need.



Friends lose touch. Friends get too busy to do anything with you. When you're perpetually single, friends can't go out if you can't make it a "double date". (and who wants to be a third wheel anyways?)



Friends also require "catching up", because you fall out of contact for so long, that a lot of shit happens in the mean time, and you have to take all that time retelling the events.



On the other hand, family is much easier. Family is on your phone every day telling you their most recent events. Family has frequent get togethers, and whether or not you're invited, you better be there anyways. Family doesn't care who you bring to the "party"--or IF you bring to the party, for that matter. And family is usually there when the fun shit happens, so there's no need to re-tell events, unless it's months or years later, and you're laughing at each other's stupidity when it happened.





Now, I've known for many years that you can lose those so-called "friends" by demonstrating the fact that you won't let them control you, you won't take any shit off of them. I learned this the hard way--I have the proverbial holes in my back to prove it.



But, as plainly obvious as it is, it just never occurred to me that the same could apply to family, too.





For my unwillingness to sit back, shut up, and take the threats of a pathetic, alcoholic relative, who only sprouts a pair of balls after a 12 pack of Budweiser, I have lost--let's see here:



him (no big loss anyways),



his wife (the one person I had wrongfully assumed would be the logical mind of his house),



probably my two younger cousins (because regardless of how they feel about their alcoholic, wino father, dad is dad before cousin is cousin),



my only uncle (because regardless of all the drunken, threatening messages I have now compiled, converted to crystal clear MP3 format, and shared with the family, I'm just a full of shit, fucking little liar),



and my closest cousin--also known as "brother by another mother" (because of my unwillingness to put up with any shit from the drunkard brother HE can't even stand to be around, I have been warned about "phone harrassment" and told to "grow up" by a little bitch who runs to the police so often, he might as be twelve--instead of thirty five--and crying to his mommy because someone looked at him the wrong way)





And because I'd questioned who would have went out of their way to try and sabotage the achievements of my other cousin (who has done quite well since his family stabbed him in the back) I have lost:



my "cuz just because", ex-fiance of a relative, who still makes a perfect addition to the family--now more so than ever before. (because--and I think any police investigator will agree--if you ask if it's possible someone did something, someone will ALWAYS turn it into an accusation)



and let's also include HER son; three year old "boogie man" who I haven't seen since July, who's birthday parties I've never missed (until this year--thank his mom for that),





So now, my crew is down to; Mom (who just recently deduced my not so normal cravings for sweet red stuff, and is rather disturbed by it), Dad (whom I can watch nearly any war movie with, but I can't even pop a beer with my Pop), my brother (only by blood and name--LoLz), my baby cousin (well, next month she hits the big ONE EIGHT, but I'll always remember her as the scared little brat who we always loved to prank and scare), her mother (whom I suspect of playing both sides, though I'm rather uncertain of her motives as of yet), and my last cousin, the one we've all been "punished" for helping get back on his feet after his own family stuck the knife in.



And maybe, just maybe, I still have the kids from Texas: same family, but they were smart enough to move away from the "main branch", and have some peace in their lives.



Me and mine, on the other hand, were just stupid enough to move CLOSER to that branch, not knowing what forms of hell would be raised ten years later.





Oh, how I wish my late Aunt were still living in this house, instead of ME. She's the only thing that kept her "clan" together and sane, not at each others throats, and also not at MY clan's throats.



But, unfortunately, my "only" aunt, aunt Kathy, whom I've known since toddler-hood as "aunt Daffy", and for many reasons including: shrinking the refrigerator drawers in the hot water, putting hash browns on the pizza instead of mozzarella, lighting her nose on fire while trying to relight a cigarette (a la Lucille Ball), and using swimmer's goggles to see through the smoke of a wood furnace gone bad, is no longer with us.



So, I'm going to go have a "Daffy" day. I'm going to trip over the carpet. I'm going to pour hot coffee into a metal cup, then try to pick it up. I'm going to wash my laundry with fabric softener instead of detergent. And at the end of the day, I'm going to laugh at it all--because she always told me "If you can't laugh at it when it's over, it wasn't worth doing".



And then, I'm going to hope that she'll recommend me to the Spirit In The Sky.







And of course, I'm going to start looking for a new crew, one who doesn't bleed the same blood as I...

I KNOW I'm not supposed to do things like this, but I just had to be sure...



Today, some rather amusing drama started at work. The accusations are flying, the police are harassing ex-employees, and some of my coworkers are contemplating homicide.



As an interesting experiment, while one of my bosses was extremely pissed--to the point where I could see her neck and temples pulsing--I walked up and grabbed her arm, and held it for several seconds.



I didn't know exactly what to expect, as I'd never purposely attempted to absorb from someone as angry as she was...



What I got was severe nausea, dizziness, and I was as emotionally fired up as her - PISSED springs to mind.



But for me, and my state of mind for the past week or so, I was able to shake off the anger and dizziness in a matter of minutes. The nausea, however, took much longer to go away.



Half an hour later, she was feeling better too. I asked her how long ago she calmed down, and she explained that it was several minutes after she had told me and another coworker what had her pissed off. (at that time is when I grabbed her arm...)



So I proceeded to explain what I am, and what I had done to her. Being that she was one of the people hit by the psionic vampire who was in our store last week, she was understanding of my explanation. However, she seemed somewhat disbelieving of me having similar ability.



After all, I've worked with her off and on for over two years, and this is the first time I'd told her such a thing. Being that I do talk a lot to my friends, and that I (admittedly) keep them up to date on what's happening in my life whether they want to hear it or not, having a secret such as this would seem rather... unbelievable, for someone as chatty as I am.



Oh well. At least I now know that I can in fact help someone bleed off their negative emotions, detrimental though it might be to my own emotional state.



Or to my lunch, that I almost lost, from feeling her emotions...

Yesterday at work, I'm pretty sure several of us were attacked...



I should have had this posted yesterday, but it turns out the story didn't end until today.



Allow me to explain.



A lady came in to the store yesterday to browse around, and while she was there, she managed to enlist the help of nearly everyone who was working yesterday. Essentially, she caught each one of us by ourselves to ask for input and advice for her dog.



And shortly after she was done, each of us that helped her had fallen into an energy slump. As for myself, I was ready to pass out, or fall asleep on my feet. (which from what I understand, is an extremely rare skill to be found outside of the military)



I barely made it home safely, and by the time I got here, I'd felt like I'd been on a drinking binge; severe dizziness, slow thinking, couldn't even stand up out of my chair without almost toppling face first into the telly.



Needless to say, I slept like a friggin' log last night!







As for today; unparalleled positivity and energy!



I was extremely friendly, to the point of cheesiness.



I was energetic most of the day, and even when I started feeling tired, I was bouncing off the walls between fits of yawning.



Nothing in the world could piss me off. Even when I cracked my shin on a pallet, I still laughed at it.



And I got customer compliments out the wazoo because of it all!





Now, I don't know if that woman from yesterday actually intended to do such a thing, but it seems that she had in fact bled off all of my negativity. Every negative emotion was nullified today, and I hope it stays this way tomorrow too. Maybe the next day, and the day after...



If it was her intention to relieve someone of their anger and hate, then I thank her for her kindness. This feeling of sourceless happiness and inexplicable contentment is unprecedented. (okay, enough of them thar big wordies)



But if she was just there to engage in a little "psionic rape", then I hope she spent today dealing with all the emotions I've been lacking...

It's been a fun couple of weeks.



It seems like I've been touching all the right people lately, because even when I'm in a pissy mood, it doesn't last long when I swipe a bit of positivity from someone.



This last weekend, I got to take an old acquaintance (the sister of an ex) to the county rodeo/cancer research benefit. Talk about some positive energy! It was almost enough to make me feel patriotic. Almost... (American by birth, not by choice, and I don't care how many people that offends--if it was within my means to migrate, I would gladly be a Yankee on English, Scottish, or Russian soil)



Anyhow, that crowd was very energizing, and it was so strong that I didn't even have to touch anyone to get a taste of it--and that's extremely rare for me. Anyhow, I've been wired for days because of it.



Recently, my cousin loaned me an independent film (VERY independent) and it got me re-wired to get off my lazy ass and get back to working on some of my stories.



Hell, two days ago, I got my brother to go out with me to do some filming. In 45 minutes, I had my film footage. In 5 hours, I had all the video converted, compiled and edited. By the end of the night, I had the promotional trailer uploaded to my YouTube channel. (my YouTube link is listed on my profile; if you're curious, head on over there and look for the Sleepwalker Promo)



And now, I have so many people hyped up to help me make a movie, it's ridiculous.



But other than myself, I have no cast.



So here's what I'm looking for:



1) I need a woman to portray the main character's girlfriend, who also works as a nurse. (possibly met when the main character was hospitalized from the accident that crippled him--we don't have to worry about hospital ethics rules, it's a movie after all...)



2) I need a "best bud", maybe a childhood friend, someone who has known the main character for many years, and can recognize when his friend is self-destructing.



3) I need someone to portray the "Haitian Priest/Priestess", someone who can encounter the main character (who would be traveling in astral form) and recognize-at a glance- that the presence they are witnessing is unnatural and dangerous. This person must be able to duplicate the stereotypical "Madam Cleo" type accent. (unfortunately, Hollywood stereotypes have made the image of a voodoo practitioner much more believable than that of a gypsy/mystic, and therefore obsolete for the purposes of my story)







These individuals MUST be local to the St. Charles county area, Missouri. And an open/flexible schedule would be preferable, as my own schedule and availability is rather random.



If interested, hit me up, and let me know "Whoooooo are you?"

COMMENTS

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starfields
01:02 Sep 01 2011

Sounds like an awesome project, wishing you luck! If you ever need an old gypsy and you're filming in the UK give me a shout lol x

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