A LITTLE ABOUT ME
Though I am truly a day walker, a veritable sun worshipper, (one might go as far as to say I'm solar powered) the night still calls to me. It beckons me with the cool comfort of peace and seclusion.
But I cannot heed the call. Though I know what I will find if I follow the whisper issuing forth from the shadows, I also know that I cannot survive without the fiery warmth of the day.
Now I'm not here to pretend to be something I'm not. Nor is my life given any more meaning or purpose based upon the number of complete strangers I put on my "friends" list--I'm definitely not here to seek "validation" from complete strangers.
So what is my reason for being here? It's in the hopes of meeting others with my... abilities.
Specifically, I can engage in what's known as psycho-etheric absorption, but is more commonly known as psi vampirism.
MY HISTORY AS A "VAMPIRE"
As abnormal abilities run in my family (my father is the seventh son of a druid, also a seventh son, and my mother--through her direct relations to the Kashmir kings of Poland--is rumored to also be related to the great Mongol ruler Temujin, thanks to his conquest of Europe in the 13th century) it was no surprise to discover an ability of my own.
But it wasn't until 12 years after my first experience (awakening?) that I'd learned what my ability really is, and that it even has a name.
When I was 16, through direct physical contact (a placating hand on the arm of my older brother--who at the time was going through a very traumatic break-up), I'd had a person's vivid, sad, suicidal emotions abruptly transferred to me. He was suddenly fine, calm, serene. But I was suddenly the one who wanted to die.
At the time, I'd thought it was HIS doing (after all, he did have a habit of breaking household objects without even being in the house). It wasn't until I was 22 that I'd had further experiences. Again, through physical contact (with my girlfriend at the time), I experienced further emotional and energy transference.
I thought it was my imagination. For a time, I'd actually thought I was losing touch with this thing we call reality. After all, this isn't a comic book, where people can do strange, otherworldly things, right?
And yet, it eventually got to the point where I would avoid even a hand shake, as I would never know what I might accidentally absorb.
In 2009, I'd watched a television documentary covering the subject of vampires in history. To my utter amazement and shock, they also covered ME!
Not only did I learn that what I can do has a name, but I also learned that there are others like me. On top of that, I'd also discovered our friend; Michelle Belanger.
MY DILEMMA
So now, I've come to grips with my abilities (dare I say powers?) and am working to find a way to control them, and maybe use them to the betterment of those around me.
But how can I use this power to help someone, without first telling them what I am? I know that I'm perfectly sane and rational, others out here know and understand this, but what of the friend who's suffering family or financial trauma? How can I help them, without "coming out" to them?
Sadly enough, the only way to learn if someone is willing to keep a secret is to tell them the secret, then sit back and watch. One can only be betrayed by someone they trust.
I wonder if the rule of "asking permission of a donor" covers situations whereas I'm attempting to help the "donor". After all, do the Japanese mystics known as "pain eaters" ask permission to help too?
A cold, beautiful place...
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I'd joined this website looking for help and education, NOT to be a friend or counsellor to every whiny, crying kid who hates their life. Alone? Me too. Sad? You'll get over it. Mommy and daddy aggravating you? Mine did until the respective days they died (and don't ever get it in your head you won't miss them either, because goddammit, you WILL). Think you want to die? So do I, and have for many years, but despite several attempts, I'm still here. You'll survive just like I do, so get over it and move along!
Essentially, nothing is going to change until YOU MAKE IT CHANGE. You can't depend on others to make those changes for you. You have to stand on your own two feet, deny the world it's victory, never accepting defeat.
And remember; if you get hurt by someone, it's your own damned fault for letting it happen. If you hadn't let them hurt you, you wouldn't be hurting, now would you?
Oh yeah, and if you're hurting, guess what; they win! They win because you're an easy mark.
MENTOR: the Pagan Moon
https://www.vampirerave.com/mentorships/images/489.jpg (let's see if that link works the way I hoped)
For many years, I've had reason to question my religious upbringing--not a lot of it made sense. As a matter of fact, I'd found many a times where the Bible I learned from contradicted itself, but the only excuse my mother, teacher, or minister could offer was "God works in mysterious ways". (if self contradiction, saying one thing while doing another is an example of "mysterious ways", then I know several people--even family--who are very close to godliness)
I've always been a fan of nature--even while being slightly prissy (the one kid who never made a mud pie) about dirt, I've always enjoyed time spent gardening, wandering the woods, or relaxing by the river. People around me always noted a reverence and respect for the land--usually they would associate it with the bits of American Native in my bloodline. (minuscule bits, unfortunately, but as the Italian families like to say of us "mixed" people: "The rest don't count") And a select few, usually those with a more "natural" leaning, would question whether I was truly Christian, or if I was a fellow Wiccan.
These observations amused me, even while I grew more disspirited with the words of my own faith.
But then I realized that what I had wasn't faith at all, it was more like hope: hope that everything I was taught as a child was true, hope that the life I've lived thus far was going to benefit me in the end, hope that there was going to be some sort of pay-off from my beliefs which I'd so sternly defended in my youth.
Hope and Faith may make beautiful women's names, but they are still two completely different things.
Besides, I've always gotten more comfort from the sight of falling leaves, meditation before a soothing candle, than I ever got from reading "inspirational" scripture.
As Hawke, Lipp, and Cunningham have all pointed out in various books: sometimes a person needs something more in order to be satisfied with their religious experience.
So in early 2012, I began my study of the religion of my father's father, what we now call Wicca.
Now, I can't say that I'm a "convert", not by any stretch of the imagination. What I will say is that I've found something which makes a lot more sense/is far more logical, and is more comfortable, than where I was before. Peace and contentment are of great import to me too, and those needs are also fulfilled by my current practices. And as an obsessive learner, when I find something worth studying, I'll soak up every bit of information I can get my hands on. (And as a psi, that statement is more than just metaphorical--lmao)
So now, I feel great peace within. Though I haven't specifically chosen a path, I feel that I am heading in the right direction. I continue on with my herbiary work, help those I can help, read, practice and apply whatever I can, and of course, learn.
Oh, and you would definitely call me a Solitary. Although I know people of the Moon, we don't practice together--aside from my randomly asking for advice or opinions, I'd say they don't even know what I'm doing now...
Regardless of my dependency on the day, I also have a great appreciation of the night.
This is partly responsible for my cofounding in 2005, an independent paranormal research group, the Missouri Office of Paranormal Investigations, and in 2013, cofounding the Blue Orb Research Group.
Both teams are now "defunct"; members now have families, careers, and even a prison sentence to keep members occupied. So while it's still possible to arrange a collaboration between one of my fellow cofounders and myself, I'm technically all that's left.
So here and there, I continue on with paranormal research and investigations, as well as historical research and the occasional urban exploration, via my YouTube channel, Tubby's Explorations. (My most popular videos thus far are my 2021 investigation of the haunting of the Nine Mile Bridge at Auxvasse, Missouri, and my recent historical documentary "Sacrificium: the Rise and Fall of Howell, Hamburg, and Toonerville, Missouri", which tells the story of three small towns razed by the U.S. government in order to make way for an explosives factory in Weldon Spring, Missouri)
I greatly appreciate all the invites I have received in the time I have been here, from the various covens and mentors.
However, I much prefer to connect with people of a Pagan background, rather than a bunch of people who want to spend their time talking about biting each other. (I have a blood fetish myself, but I try not to dwell on it too much)
I'd also like to network with individuals of the local areas of St. Louis city/county and St. Charles city/county, Missouri. Maybe I'm just being co-dependent, but meeting others like me, in person, would be preferable to the distant, disconnected feeling of only knowing them online.
MY MUSIC
"Mother, tell your children not to hold my hand,
tell your children not to understand..."
It amuses me greatly to suddenly realize how that lyric applies to me...
Since 2006, I've come to acquire a great appreciation of this music sound sometimes called a "classic crossover".
I love how the Finnish, Norwegians, and Swedish tend to adopt operettas as the lead singers of their heavy metal bands. Bands like Nightwish and Tristania grace my playlist for these reasons.
I also love how Tristania and French composer Olivier Deriviere both manage to perfectly blend choir and strings with the over driven sounds of electric guitar and heavy drums. (it's a shame that Deriviere only does soundtracks for video games, with the occasional foray into television--if he released an album, I would be all over it)
Such unique sounds as Gregorian, Enigma, Sirenia, Epica, Emilie Autumn, Therion, and (yes) Samael are essentials to my playlist.
Rounding out the soundtrack of my perfect day are sound masters such as Metallica, Darkwell, Dir En Grey, Marilyn Manson, Black Label Society, Kataklysm, In This Moment, Lamb Of God, All That Remains, plus local, obscure, or up-and-coming sounds such as Shattermask, Kajin Detier, Indi-Go.
Make no mistake though, on some days you are just as likely to hear me listening to country, classic funk, big band, and old school hip hop. I'm also a devoted fan of an old friend of mine who does local rap shows under his street moniker "Stogie La Russa", saying and doing all the things that fruitcake white-boy Marshal Mathers can't and won't.
