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Ever wake up in the middle of the night and know that something is just not right? Ever wake up from a really terrific dream, to find yourself overwhelmed by sheer grief. Grief so intense that you just start crying. And no matter how hard you try you cannot stop the tears from falling? And try as you might, you cannot figure out what made you cry to begin with.



Or ever lay in bed all night trying to fall asleep, but not succeeding because something feels "off"? Something in your room or in your mind or heart, is "wrong" and you lay there trying to figure it out. Trying to remember what it was that started that feeling inside. Trying to remember what it was you saw, or heard, or smelled, that made you start to worry.



How about waking up through out the night, and feeling as though you are being watched? Checking the doors and windows, repeatedly, making sure that they are sealed and locked tight. Turning on a nightlight, so you can see the room in which you are sleeping, walking through the house, looking in tight spaces, under beds, behind the couch, and in closets......



But never seeing anything. Never remembering the dream, or things sight, sound, or smell. Never understanding what it was that made you so incredibly sad.



Has that ever happened to you?

You ever wake up in the morning and wish you hadn't? Wish you had just stayed asleep? So you roll over, close your eyes, and try desperately to find the same peace you had before waking.



I try that almost every morning. I hate being awake. Living my life everyday, pretending to be this happy go lucky person. When in all honesty I am dark, evil, hollow. I am not meant to feel. Feeling things leads to pain, hurt, anger........fear.



The doctors put me on meds, said I wasn't normal for feeling that way. Now the meds make me feel. I was okay with it at first. I had "happy" feelings. But now all I want to do is cry. I am not a crier. I hate crying. It makes other people feel bad to watch as you poor your soul out from beneath their (the soul's) windows. I see tears as a sign of weakness. Not in anyone else, just in myself.



Because when I cry, I lose my anger, my pain. This is going to sound completely crazy, but inside I feel as though I need them. That when the time comes to fight for myself against the shadows that fill my mind, the pain and anger I have built up over the years is going to be the edge I need to win. But when I cry, I lose them.



I am not a normal person, I am not a sane person either. In fact I consider myself to be 'psychologically challenged'. All in all I am crazy. I admit this. I accept this. The thoughts that fill my mind are dark and scary, most often evil in nature. I chose to hide in the shadows because that is what fills my mind every single day. And yet here I sit, afraid of the Dark inside.



To my mind, there is a candle that sits in a corner. This candle burns, throwing the shadows into relief. But these shadows do not like the light, and try to smother it every second of every day. And slowly but surely they succeed. As the flame gets dimmer, and the Shadows grow. my fear of the flame going out gets stronger.



I am afraid of what is going to happen when the shadows win. Will I die? Will I be reborn of the Dark? Will another candle take the place of the last? Will I finally get to live?