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Ever had one of those moments that just made you want to scream as loud as humanly possible until your throat bleeds from it?



I'm there.

*sighs*



I still can't wrap my brain around something.



How does someone, someone you adore, someone who was a friend, and asked you to be theirs, nurtured a relationship until it was past the point of friendship, someone you now love, just suddenly decide to throw it all away. Or at least thats how it seems.



I was asked to be hers. I agreed, because I really like her. She's sweet, and funny, and beautiful, and totally a dork. That doesn't even brush the tip of this iceburg, but to conserve space, I'm going to move on.



I asked questions before, lots of them. Its how I am. I know this isn't a good trait, its probably one of my worst, but I hate being in that limbo where I don't know.



Do you love me? Yes I do...but I love them too.



Well where do I fit into your life? I can't answer that.



Why not? Because of him.



I just don't know what to do anymore.



I hear I'm being "Pushed away for my own good"



I know if I try to discuss this, it will be construed as pushing. Not my intention. But when am I allowed to decide whats good for me and whats not? I'm 25 fucking years old, I've certainly made my share of good and bad decisions, and am not so naive as to not know the difference. So isn't it my choice to love her or not?



I wasn't treated like an indecisive child when I decided to be hers. It was welcomed. My love was too. And now it seems everything has changed. The psychological torment I have endured at the hands of this person proves me to be nothing more than a sick masochist. I just don't know what to do.



I know at the end of the day, I'm the one who loves her. I told her once a long time ago, my heart belongs to you now, please keep it safe.



I will keep it safe, I promise. That was the response. It doesn't feel very safe right now.



So the question remains, do I stand here and endure this pain, thus proving my love and dedication?



Or do I follow the age old tradition "If you love them, let them go. If they come back to you, they're yours, and if they don't, they were never worth the effort to begin with."



I love this girl. I don't want to give up on her. But even more heartbreaking than that is the thought that she's given up on me....



*sigh*



Maybe I'm just broken. Maybe they didn't put something in right when I was made, and something is just wrong with me.



I don't know. I feel so.....desolate

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Beastt17
16:42 Nov 29 2008

How do they do it? I'm not sure. But it seems that some almost enjoy it.



How do you deal with it? You hurt and you hurt and you hurt. You can't think about anything else. You feel like someone took a backhoe and scooped out your chest and torso. You feel like you want to throw up. You think perhaps dying would be better. Then you find someone else and they do the same thing to you.



Just know that you're not alone and some of us have been through this so many times that we're done.

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Ahh. The crisp feeling of sad helplessness. Knowing you really don't have any weight whatsoever in a decision that may break or make you.



:/

Ahh the sobering effect a firm reality check can give you.



I feel like I've been put firmly into my place.



Maybe one day I'll understand exactly what it is that makes him so much better than me.



Though perhaps I need to try to understand what it is thats wrong with me first.



I don't know. Its amazing how very fleeting happiness is sometimes.



Though there always seems to be some reason or another, some thing unforseen lurking about to depress me right before the holidays.



It never fails.



I'm the only one that fails :/

I went to bed last night clutching a sweater of mine she wore all weekend. It still smells like her.



I am such an emo little schoolgirl.



God I miss her...

I thought I did a pretty good job of holding it together. You didn't really make that incredibly easy, but I managed. Walking away was the hardest part. I wish you didn't have to leave.



I got to the garage, lost my ticket, and had to count all my change to get out. While some evil little middle eastern bastard teller eyeballed me.



DC traffic fucking BLOWS HOLY SHIT!

an hour and 45 minutes to travel 10 fucking miles, through a sea of mother fucking IDIOTS. I mean jesus people. Look around you. You're in a sea of cars, crawling through a 65mph section of interstate at 15mph. Where the fuck do you think you're going?



I finally broke out of heavy traffic a little past fredericksburg. I was jamming along, listening to music and trying to see through the rain, and I got to around richmond before I noticed the road looked funny.



I looked off to the side, and apparently there was snow on the ground. My thoughts turned instantly to you, and what you said while we sat quietly in the terminal looking out at the airplanes moving around. I missed you.



I wished we were still wandering around in the cold looking at monuments and going to look at the art to get warm.



Though I still maintain that the Museum of Modern Art to be mostly hilarious.



Vinyl letters on the fucking wall. Rocks on the floor, followed by metal plates on the floor. Followed by an arm nailed to the wall. This is "Modern"

*sighs*



I miss that bratty look you get when things don't go your way, and that goofy smile when you're embarassed about something. And that ruddy look in your face when you watch that guy on the tv xD



I'm home now, and tired. I hope very much that your flight goes safely, and your layover doesn't suck too much. Sleep well doll. Wish you hadn't had to leave so soon.

*sighs*



I'm going fucking insane. I'm so fucking horny I could die. Having her close to me, the way she smells, the way she smirks at me, the way she tilts her head when she looks at me. She knows I want her so bad I can taste it. I can see it in her eyes, her piercing glances. And yet, here I am, totally helpless beneath her gaze, unable to articulate what I want. *sighs*





I fail.

COMMENTS

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ladygoddessaries
18:22 Nov 24 2008

Hang in there dear.. the best things come to those who are patient~

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Inimical
04:25 Nov 25 2008

heh.



Airport sucked.



DC traffic sucks

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TheSnowQueen
00:41 Nov 27 2008

I would agree with that all good things come to those that wait.

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Inimical
06:42 Nov 27 2008

If only you knew.

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Well, I'm in DC. He just left, much to her chagrin. I keep getting funny looks as if I'm doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I was nice, and civil, and even downright jovial at points. Tried my best to do what she wanted me to. However, she still looks sad. I want to do something to cheer her up, but I don't know what to do. We spent yesterday walking around DC in the blistering cold to museums she really wanted to see, and it was fun I guess, other than her being on his heels the entire time. We're supposed to go find a starbucks soon, I require coffee, and a shower. But first coffee. *sighs* I just want so badly for her to hold me. But I guess we'll see how it goes. Stupid hotel's tv doesn't support wii's.

For lack of better options, and certain people's amusesment.



Rubbers

Cologne

Baby oil

Socks

jewelry

crackers

juice





french tickler

wii

clothes

toothbrush and toothpaste

razor and blades

shampoo, conditioner, body wash

belt

wallet

money

Gift

flowers

directions



*sighs* I'm forgetting shit and I don't know what, and its freaking me out. I'm so nervous I feel positively ill.

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Nista
03:16 Nov 21 2008

Hey..you found my shopping list. I've been looking everywhere.

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Lets see.

I hate my ugly fucking face.

I hate the fact that I'm fat.

I hate my compulsive attitude.

I hate my seemingly unerring ability to find the one woman in the room who is going to hurt me.

I hate that I am everyone's doormat.

I hate what I've become in the past 6 months.

I hate that I care about people.

I hate my eyes, they always betray me.

I hate that I can't keep peoples stupid bullshit from affecting my everyday life.

I hate that I stress out when things rain shit in my world.

I hate that when no one is looking, I break down and cry.

I hate that when I talk to my friends about what is bothering me, I feel like a fool.

I hate my inability to distinguish fact from fiction.

I hate my home.

I hate the town I live in.

I hate my overly large feet, they're shaped funny.

I hate that I can't just not be bothered by people who don't really deserve the effort. I wish I could be more like Beck or Alex.

I think I'm lazy, uncouth, uncivilized, fat, ugly, and just a loser in general.

I hate that I overanalyze things.

I hate that I smoke so much pot. Most people take 14 medications and I refuse. I just smoke far too much pot.

I hate that I procrastinate on everything.

I hate that I'd rather sit around and suffer than take a risk and get hurt. You did that.

I hate that I am mean to people who don't deserve it and nice to people deserve my distaste.

I hate that I still live at home with my mom.

I hate that I tend to try and take the blame from more deserving people.

I hate that I'd rather walk out of someone's life than fight for what I think. Fighting is too painful for both sides involved.

I hate that I try to justify my actions.

I hate being so FUCKING logical when I should follow my heart.

I hate that I follow my heart when I should be logical.

I hate that I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I hate being so tall.

Did I mention I hate my ugly fucking face?

I hate that I have a tendency to be mean and make the people I love cry rather than talk about whats wrong with me.

I hate that I can't seem to take other people's advice, and have to learn everything the hard way.

I hate that I stopped writing poetry except for when someone rains shit on me.

I hate that I stopped keeping a journal of my thoughts.

I hate that I haven't actually read a book in years.

I hate the fact that I'm a poor white guy.

I hate that I strive to fit in when I should be proud to stick out.

I hate that I've become so obsessed on finding someone who loves me for what I am that I make myself miserable more often than not. I should be more independant.

I hate that my father intimidates me. He is a piece of fucking garbage and deserves less than that from me.

I hate that jealousy prevents me from being happy for the people I love.

I hate that I'm so self absorbed.

I hate that I'm so fucking forgiving. See "I hate being a doormat"

I hate being so fucking jealous of my friends. They don't deserve that.

I hate that I try to be overly subtle. I really do, I'd rather someone put the pieces together than to just come out and say something. I'm sure there are several people who read this that can agree on that.

I hate that I tend to get emotional and dramatic even though I hate people like that.

I hate being such a fucking hypocrite.

COMMENTS

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TheSnowQueen
00:45 Nov 27 2008

With so many things in that list you hate, isn't there something that you do like ?

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Gotta love it when the one thing you've been looking forward to for months takes a big healthy shit all over you. Now comes the game part. I've been put in a crappy situation, one I've said from the start I didn't want to be in. And yet now here I am, obligated to go and have holes jabbed in my chest, and for what? A meaningless fling. So it begs the question. Why don't you get the one you're supposed to be coming to see to attend to the issues you're having? Because he won't, and you know this. So I raise my coffee this morning to not only being a third wheel, but being used and second best along with it. A used, second best, third wheel. This is what I am. I guess I have to come to terms with being an object. Doesn't mean I have to go quietly. When I say something about this, I'm made to feel like there's something wrong with me? Does this change anything? Of course not. I said I'd do things, and I'm very good at being my end of this. I intend to hold up my word. However. I'm not sure things discussed previously are going to happen, especially not now. Oh well, this was all discussed months in advance. I'm not the one left to make this choice. Someone else made it, I'm just being a good pet. Go me.