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Dear Journal,



I hope this entry finds you well and filled with post holiday glow. Me I'm bitter, crabby and bitchy as always. As far as days go, today was not so bad. Could have been better, could have been worse. Butch, bi-polar, chick is still trying to date me and I'm just not feeling it. Hot femme chick is still a part-time pillow pal and that works just fine for me. Kid is on vacation and gorging himself on all the food in the house, cartoons, movies and video games. Still plotting the untimely demise of the stupid dog that constantly chews everything up. Hmmmm, well that's about it.



Later journal!

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imagesinwords
04:54 Dec 30 2009

Short and sweet... and if the readers don't like it- Whatevah!

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It's almost the New Year. I haven't been big on New Year's resolutions in the past, but I've been pretty unhappy with my life lately, so I think New Year's is as good a time as any to reevaluate and set some goals. Honestly I've never been very good at setting a goal and then accomplishing it. I get distracted easily and move on to something else. Maybe that's the reason, my life isn't what I want it to be though. We'll see.

If somebody saying Merry X-Mas or Happy Holidays takes the Christ out of your Christmas, than it's your lack of faith that's problem, not other people's.

Ah back to reality, back to normalcy, usually I'm so sad when the Christmas magic dissipates, but this year I'm relieved. This was probably my worst Christmas ever. Nobody should ever spend Christmas alone and without their kids. Sharing my son with his Dad on this holiday was painful, but I suppose this is how he felt all these years since it's the first Christmas he's ever had him. It's over now and the sun is out even though it's a bit chilly, it's a lovely day and I intend to take advantage of it.

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PandorasBx
16:37 Dec 26 2009

I can totally relate. Fortunately for me I got to have my son in the morning and then his dad had him the rest of the day. *hugs*

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I hate today! I love Christmas, but I hate today! Bitch, bitch, whine, whine!

I went off my anti-depressant medication a couple of weeks ago. It made me too numb. It killed my creativity and though I enjoyed the assisted personality change… until I realized it wasn’t me. It was a dull, translucent version of me. I couldn’t write anymore. I couldn’t summon the passion I once had to make the world a different place, hopefully a better one. So I made the very scary decision to go off the drugs I’ve been dependent on for the last couple of years. Just so we’re clear, I didn’t make this decision lightly and I don’t recommend anyone following my example.



So far things are ok, it’s odd feeling my emotions come back to the surface, scary too. My insomnia is coming back. My creativity is starting to flow again. I’m not sure if this is better or not yet, I suppose only a bit more time will tell. I just know I want to be me again, and not dependent on anti-depressants for the rest of my life, and that I want to be able to write again.

I wasn't always dark and withdrawn. The brutality of life hasn't dimmed me per say, but has added a darker demention, one that probably wouldn't have been there otherwise. Just think I could have been a shinny happy preppy, with bouncy blond hair and pink lipstick. That though kind of makes me wanna puke.

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deathnitegrl
17:35 Dec 20 2009

shinny happy preppy, with bouncy blond hair and pink lipstick.



ew lol

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birra
18:53 Dec 20 2009

Shinny, happy and preppy isn't for everyone.



Differences make the world more interesting.

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I lost my best friend and my sister. I'm not sure exactly when, I think it must have been a long time ago... or maybe the closeness we shared was all in my head. It's only been in the last couple of month that I realized I was the only one in the relationship who gave a damn about it. We never fought, I don't think either of us did anything wrong, it's just that one day we were friends and one day we were not. Breaks my heart, it really does.

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PandorasBx
16:19 Dec 17 2009

*hugs*

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I remember when I was giving birth to my child... *pauses to allow wussy boys to run for the door* there came a moment of panic. I grabbed the father's shirt and yanked him down to me, so we were nose to nose, "I can't do this! I don't wanna have a baby! I can't have a baby! I changed my mind! I CAN'T do this!"



"umm... it's a little late for that." He replied eyebrows high in an expression of confusion and shock.



Sometimes I have that same feeling at random moments, even though I've been doing it (parenting) for over ten years now. There are just moments when I think, "I don't think I can do this." and I reply to myself, "yea, it's a little late for that." Because even if I feel overworked, underpaid, and overwhelmed the world keeps on turning and I've got a job (parenting) to do that doesn't sit on hold for me to have mini-melt down... or a major melt down, come to think of it.



I just have to push through and keep on going.



This too shall pass.

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birra
15:02 Dec 17 2009

It always does.



Life can overwhelm. Sometimes you have to step back and breathe.

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PandorasBx
16:18 Dec 17 2009

I feel that way about life frequently..

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I forget the power of the written word sometimes. I've been trying to write to my dear friend who is in Iraq once a week and today I received a note from her thanking me for taking the time to write to her on a regular basis. lol, I guess I kind of wondered if I was just writing to comfort my own sense of fear about her being in such a dangerous part of the world. It's nice to know that it's bringing her some comfort as well.

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PandorasBx
16:07 Dec 17 2009

I'm sure it means the world to her

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My stupid back is out, I hate it!

If you would let me I would kiss you. If you would let me I would love you. If you would have me I would take you. But some things just aren't meant to be, relegated to the realm of fantasy, never to brighten the dreariness of reality.

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IcyRayne
13:48 Dec 04 2009

Nice

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I have these unrealistic expectations of people sometimes, see I still believe in the kind of friendships we made when we were young. We were fiercely loyal and utterly devoted to those we called friends. I've never really outgrown that, and it can lead to getting hurt if you're not careful.

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PandorasBx
05:04 Dec 02 2009

I know what you mean, its just not the same. I maybe have 2 close friends and the rest are really just acquaintances, I miss the way it used to be but its hard to trust anyone anymore.

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deathnitegrl
17:34 Dec 20 2009

It happened the opposite to me.



I always valued friendship, yet the one who only valued it was me and not my ex friends.



Only in my young adulthood I believe I've found two great friends.

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