Fighting Back The Beast.... 23:20 Apr 29 2010
Times Read: 491
Fighting Back The Beast....
Current mood: gloomy
Evocation of suffering's eternity
Perilous birth, guilt ridden for it's paternity
Isolating decay that my spirit weaps
Leaving light inside, my binded soul still sleeps
Entity rules in compressing containments
Piercing more for it's pleasured entertainments
Surviving entrapments for the fittest
Yielding what in vain efforts will never get us
An acorn is placed on the altar of the seasons for the once again, newly horned God, this Beltane Eve. (The Green Man, an ancient Celtic deity representing the cycle of the seasons.) I sit in internal stillness of the mind in view of my friends, and their everyday problems, that look to me for advice, or try to leach from me, my help Some can't control their spending. Some can't keep an apartment that they trash for even a month. Some add to a chain, taking their turns, cheating on the same woman that they claim that they will be the one to care for. Some, like me, blow things up. lol Some go to jail for tickets that they can't pay. Some can't stay out of jail. Some cannot and will never get sources of income that involves being productive for. Some cannot give up the chronic lying. We're undependable, unresourceful, and unrelable.....and whatever other "un" comes to mind, you can add that to the fucking list. The woman that I love complains and criticizes too much, and gets envious of other women that I talk to...which I guess is natural, and something that we must over come....and some cannot give up the drama that they need to fule their lives, and simply grow the fuck up! In all of this...as most other regular people my age, my struggles consist of keeping a steady job, staying ion college, semester hopping, and retaining a relationship with the woman that I love and adore more than ANYTHING...Thre is no replacement, or substitute for you, babe....and just because I call other female FRIENDS "babe," like a girl would call a guy casually "sweety," or "honey," does not mean that they have any chance with me, which is something that you MUST know. In all of this, I am working to get an apartment, as is she, for us, when we sign the lease this Friday, marking our six month anniversay. We will be moving in on June 15, which I 'm certain that her and her family are very thankful to know. lol Thank you for not taking me out of my home, and knowing that this is just the beginning, and that our best days are most definitely ahead of us....more importantly, in all of these struggles, I feel like I've been losing touch with friends that I have known for years, like they're being kept away from me, and simply that I haven't had time to see....like everything just continues to fade, the more life flows....as fun as it would be to ramble about sappy experiences for cheap thrills, shits and giggles....my hands don't feel like typing about them at the moment...I've been struggling with headaches, and a severe condition that I can't seem to get through. The overwhelming stress and drama does not help the cause....Sometimes, I just need to break away from everyone and everything to sort out my problems, which no one seems to understand from a very active, social, and spiritual individual. I'm more than certain that Caesar, Socrates, Plato, Nepoleon, Ghangis Khan and Ian Rand understood the need to break away when dealing with the Fallen SIckness. I'm sick of the charms, the metaphysics, the oils, the meditations, the mind over matter, the positive attitude, the exorcisms, and religious bull shit! Nothing works! I could not deal with the idea of not being in control of my own life. I told my girl friend that I could not be with her, if this disfunction became a disability that she would have to take care of me with, and it broke her heart...but it is merely an act of love to not curse her to have me be something that I am not, which is dependant. I'm good at solving things. I haven't had too many set backs that I could not erase or deal with...but I still really do not know how to deal with this diabolical condition that refuses to seize from me. I need a miracle. Blessed Be.
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