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Well this may have been very bold of me to do and say but I was on myspace and I found Rob's ex and the mother to his son. It wasn't that hard to find her with his short friends list and the obvious picture of there son as her main picture; but it was kinda amusing. I didn't say anything or leave her a message or anything like that. But when I came to her profile all I could do is smile. She is a very pretty girl and I loved her senoir pictures. Mine were ehh.. that was kinda my transaction of my guy theme to a hippy kinda girl theme. But I read everything that she had wrote and I guess you really got to know a person to see who they really are. From everything I read I don't think that there is a chance in hell that I could hate her. She seems like a very loveing, caring, good mother and bascially a good person overall. But with all the stories I've heard I don't know what to think. I guess I really have no opinon on her. I think that it was shitty with what I heard with what she did with Rob and a few other people but she techinically hasn't done anything to me. eh whatever this was quick and short and that's how it's going to stay.
I feel super lonely right now. Things are going by awfully slow. I want tonight to be over already. It's been a long day so far and I still have to go to work for a few more hours. I can't really describe my mood or my feelings right now besides aware and lonely. I can't wait for this weekend. Today in my class I screwed up when we were cutting our manican heads. I cut mine two short on one of the sides and I had to start all over when I only had three more side layers left. pissed me off. I feel like rocking back and forth and just listen to music that fits my undescribed mood. I do feel really cold right now, like physically not mentally. I hate this cold weather. Everything is dead, dry, and cold. My fingers are definatly feeling it. I would take a bath tonight to maybe feel better but I get done with work too late and I have to get up at 6. I like my sleep and what ever amount of sleep I can get so that's out of the question. I took a look at all the previous messages that I have in my saved box today. Some conversations where a little silly, a lot were meaningful. But one conversation struck a soft spot. It was a conversation from an old friend/lover many years ago. Her name is Brokenchild. she doesn't really come on here that often anymore. I wish she would cause I can't get ahold of her any other way. Now for this weekend. I know better than to get my hopes up for anything. I used to do that and then I'd bet let down awfully hard. I'm excited to see him. I really am. It's kinda funny. I'm all sad and moody when I'm at school or something but when I'm talking to him I'm all happy and cuddly. I've never really been able to express myself too much. At times when I am expressing myself to him I feel like I'm putting myself out on a ledge. It's not that much of a strong feeling but I can't help but to feel set up since this has never happened before. I've never been this honest and open with anyone and frankly it scares the shit out of me. But I'll just take one day at a time. Very slow moving.
I feel like falling right now. I'm trying to stand tall and stable... but that may not be too easy. I went to see my boyfriend last night and he broke up with me. But it wasn't the type of break up that ended in slamming doors and screaching cars or the words fuck you in reply to something they said. I spent the night with him and it didn't really feel any different until today. I spent the night laying next to him in bed. No sex or anything like that we were just laying there. I believe he was sleeping but I talked to him while he was sleeping. I had done this the other night telling him things that would be hard to say when he's coheriant. The way he broke up with me didn't hurt. I was happy that he was able to talk to me and tell me what was on his mind and what brought him to this dicision. Not saying that I liked the fact that he broke up with me but he was so honest. I was at least happy that I didn't do anything wrong. I think he just needs time to think and go through things in his life. I wont make him promise anything and I'll wait for him. I wont give up on him God Damnit! lol. But i'm at school and the very thought of not being with him in a relationship wise makes me want to cry. I almost did. Didn't but almost. Even after he broke up with me we played around and bit one another as if we hadn't broken up. We got along and as far as I know we've never had a single fight. And I dont' care what he says I am definatly not out of his league.
mmmm well this is finished now I'm gonna go have a cigg and continue to try not to cry. :) remember smiles even though you dont want to!
Thats beautiful. You make me want to cry. Do you actually feel like that? Now I feel horrible, more so than before.
Ashiteru?. Ashiten?. Blaaa neither of them yet.
17:15 Jan 08 2008 Times Read: 733
I fell asleep with the light on last night.
I wolk up at 6 and turned it off.
Today feels different.
I got up early.
For some reason I have Robs smell on my sweater.
Probably from when I say him.
It's a really nice smell. It's soothing.
Makes me happy and smile a lot. :>
I'm starting to feel much better than before.
The day before New Years I got some news that makes me feel emotionaly drained.
I had a dream last night that I met Rob's Babie's Momma.
For some reason she was thanking me for breaking up with Rob so they could get back together.
It was a little messed up. eh what can you do.
It was only a dream.. thankfully.
well I know this entry was short and unenventfully but that's just how it goes sometimes.
But I suppose I could go on and on about how much I think about him.
I go hang out with friends and all I can think about is him. It might be stupid. I donno.
He makes me so happy to be with.
Even though I'm still scared though.
I don't think I've ever had my female side come out to it's full potential before.
It's slowly starting to creep out.
I had a friend tell me once that I hide from my female side like a monster. maybe true.
I'm going to have a smoke, take a shower, get something to eat, and possibly start painting again.. ooo how exciting.. to paint again. Get my old spark back I guess. mmm yes that would be nice. :)
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