The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

[ mood | ecstatic ]

[ music | My Chemical Romance..the jetset of life is gonna kill you ]



Wow I'm really pathetic and really mother fucking happy at the same time! Nicole just called me back. SEE! It's the little things in life that really count. Nicole calling just made my whole day! I'm so fucking happy! BIG SMILE! Right now I'm really motivated and full of energy. This is funny that, that one phone call made me so happy that I'm not depressed/ pissed anymore and infact I'm writting about it. It wasn't that long of a phone call but then I didn't knwo what to say. I was so happy.



Pathetic but HAPPY!



"For the last night I lie. Could I lie next to you?"

[ mood | ackk.. ]

[ music | Pink Floyd...Dogs of war. ]



God I'm fucking sick of all this bullshit! Starting with Amber. My friends have this thing were we have slaves and owners kinda childish I know but I just go along with it because it can be quiet fun. WE actually just use those terms to show who we trust the most. I have no owner and I refuse to be a slave. Anywho Amber is my slave and she always used to hang around me. She is emotionally unstable and we have all been trying to get her to think for herself. We care about her. But since I came back from Florida she acts as if I don't even exsist! Actually no as a matter of fact NO ONE that I hang around or talk too act as if I exsist! The only way that I can talk to anyone is if we go back to are stupid game that I'm not dependent upon anymore. and it was stupid that I ever was! So anyway I tolled her that I was disowning her since I was even making a difference and she never talked to me. I find out that, that exact same night that she locked herself in a room balling yelling at her mother and having a complete nervous breakdown because of it. I was tolled that I guess she thought that she was losing a friend when I had toled her that I still wanted to be friends and the slave thing was stupid and that she was equal to me and everyone else. I also toled her that it's not the end of the world and were still friends, and I'm still here for her. Another thing I found out just recently. I was talking to Brianne (my ex right now) and she was beign all snippy with me. I asked her what was wrong and she toled me that her and Sam Epp aka Yami had an interesting conversation. I asked what was said and she sent the whole conversation to me. I was pissed when I found out that Sam had been trying to break us up at the time. Now that beign said. I know that, that story was from a while back but pertraying to now. Sam acts as if it's no big fuckign deal! and she has been trying to be dominate over me. WHICH WON'T FUCKING HAPPEN! She's been acting all superior and since Amber has been paying no never mind attention to me since I took her back just so she wouldn't freak out and acted like I was such a big deal, does Sam try and rub that in my face. Now I don't really care if I'm the center of Amber's attention, infact I'd rather not be. But the fact that she completely ignores me even when I'm talking to her is what is irritating me. I mean hell she had such a nervouse breakdown and then I take her back and I'm not there. WTF? I havne't been able to talk to anybody. Tiffany is always with Rachel and Andrea. Rachel and I have to be found in the right mood to talk. Andrea is a lying little shit that I can't stand. Josi...well that's another story. I'd rather not talk to her. I try calling Michelle, Ahsley and Liz and never get ahold of them. I think Michelle is actually mad at me right now for god knows what. I can't get a hold of Kittie. Ackk...I don't know. I know that I've said this before but since the spell my emotions are all over the fucking place and I've been getting over depressed and pissed of very easily and when I am mad it's really bad. Since Randy's gone I have no one to talk to about my problems. He used to forced what ever was wrong wtih me out. Which was good and no it had nothing to do with abuse or anything of that nature. He just kind of used to sweet talk to me. I don't know maybe I'm just complaining for nothing.



Track 13/13 What have you to lose?

[ mood | satisfied ]

[ music | Pink Floyd...Learning to fly ]



Wow I just realized after looking back at my prevouse entry how pathetic I looked. Another thing that I find rather pathetic is that no one can seem to come up with individual name there all genaric, old, and stupid. Like this one vampiressbitch1 is one of the names I found on vampirerave.com. More are countessmoon, silverfangs, and mistress69; stuff like that is stupid. I don't think my name is all that genaric but I've never seen it used or anything like it used. I'm just happy that the friends that I surround myself with have names that aren't genaric. That and when people do get accounts on anything all they do is go "oh wo is me" and over obsesse about blood and dying and wanting to commite suicide, and shit like that. Now I'll admit that I haven't been the bright sunshine but I think that I seem to keep it a minual. anyway enough of my bitching.. and to an extent hypacritness. (that and I can't stand people that act as if their the fucking Anti-Christ)



I'm getting my room finished and it's making me so DAMN HAPPY! Yesterday I worked with Ashley and that was great! We were really busy but it was fun. I think that working together is making us closer. After work we both must have thought this because we just threw our arms around each other. That made me extremly happy becuase I'll admit it is nice to get a hug every now and then.



*hugs to everyone!*



Oh and I'm SORRY for my bitching, complaing, and shit from before.

[ mood | confused ]

[ music | nothing. ]



well to start today I was wheeled out of school during last block and was sent to the hospital asap. I stopped breathing in class and passed out. On top of being emotionaly drained from trying to be happy and everything I have a sevear synise infection (however the damn words are spelled) and Mono again. Great.



I had a dream last night that I was shot in the side of the head.



Anywho I got Ashley a job so that does make me happy. I'm getting my drawing done and that's awsume it's actually not turning out half bad.



..ack I don't know I guess I don't have anything wrowhile to say. Nto that many people comment anyway. Not that I care, and now that I've said that it does seem like I do. but whatever then. But right now I am actually happy and for the first time in a while I was the happiest I've ever been last night in the longest time. I was smiling so big! :> My moods keep changing when I first started to type I was annoyed now I'm really happy wtf?

[ mood | bla ]

[ music | Jeff Beck...cause we ended as lovers ]



well I'm glad things went well for Nicole and Victor at the prom. Last night for me was a bit over whelming with the fact that it's been a couple months since I lost Randy and just last night one of my co-workers came up to me and told me she was sorry and she just heard out about it, when maybe 3 people knew to my knowledge. I had to tell my manager so there's one person and the other two my boss told them. But anywho she was trying to talk to me with all the sympathy bullshit that I didn't care to hear. I don't need it. I just really pissed me off.



I've found that I have a new addiction that has become just that. Before I did it for fun and now it's become a dependency. I can't go four days without it and right now I don't care.



I took my test for Tae so doo and got my next belt. That's great.



What's the big deal? It can't kill you.

[ mood | annoyed ]

[ music | Rise Against...Black mask and gas ]



so I just got off the phone with Nicole. That was fun. SHe was playing Diablo with Chris online and I was trying to play tomb raider. That and my sister broke her arm.



Anywho.



I don't know what I'm doing. I'm sick of all my entries sounding like some pathetic little girl that is stressing about her problems just like eveyrone else. And then turning it all around and making it seem like I'm saying that I'm the only one with these problems. I want to be myself instead of sounding like soem depressed little bitch. Who's in search "for their inner-self" just like everyone else. It really pisses my off. I want to be myself and not like anyone else just like eveyone else. That and dwelling on the things in my life making it seem like know one else goes through them but me just like eveyone else. It annoys me to death. I think I'd be more confident about things like this if I were a guy like I want to be. Like what I should have been born as. But there I am complaining makign seem like I'm the only one just like everyone else...ackk..I'm going to stop now.



I hate this dwelling over the stupidest things that seem to still bother me and dwelling over the people I still care for! THIS IS STUPID!

[ mood | drained ]

[ music | Pink Floyd...Brain Damage ]



Jesus shit I don't know what's going on. I can't stand myself. I can't stand being around myself. My self-esteen is shit. My feelings are all a mix when I actually have emotion. I haven't been able to feel emotion for much and when I do it's completely biziare and goes all over the place.



Oppropreate for the time being



You raise the blade, you make the change

You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane

You lock the door

And throw away the key

There's someone in my head but it's not me.