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Stopped in at the funeral home this morning. A Guy I graduated high school with died over the weekend in a MVA. I had not seen him since high school. But there were pictures of him from high school there and I remembered.
He was always a fun loving guy who sometimes had a temper. When he was on a rant, he could cuss a blue streak. Back then I was so sheltered that when he did and I was around, my face was red, eyes round and clutching my books as a shield. Ok maybe not that bad but still I was shocked.
Since then he has been married twice and has two children, a girl and a boy. The children are with his parents as the second wife is no where in sight. I do not know his story but I can imagine it.
You see we are from an area that is known for huge drug usage as well as marijuana production. My guess would be that he was a "good ole boy" that still used drugs and mj as a recreation. I know he used to do them in high school. I know that he was there the night another class mate overdosed a couple of years ago. I know that drugs are suspected in the MVA.
When will people learn that as long as drugs are in control, NOTHING good will happen. When will they realize that no matter how much money you make from drugs...EVERYONE suffers in the community.
It makes me wonder what the differences were. We both came from the same county, same high school, some of the same classes, yet our lives are so different. Choices? Does it really come down to choice? Yes I think it does as an adult. However, I think what we teach children is what influences those choices later on.
So, teach our children that drugs are wrong. No one profits......no one.
So many people leaving my life the last 3 months. It is no wonder tears are so close to the surface these days.
I am fully aware that it is part of the grief process. Doesn't mean I have to like nor enjoy it. I just have to get through it.
I got the video of my Uncle Nic who died in November. I have not been brave enough to watch it yet. I wonder if I will be anytime soon. But then, to see, remember, laugh, cry, share the memory, these are ways of healing.
With it on your mind this much you should watch it. Have that cry you been needing. Then you will see life in a new way. As you are alive, and you can make changes to be happy.
*hugs*
18:05 Jan 26 2008 Times Read: 814
Apparently I have new neighbors. I just had to bang on the wall---they were jarring my pictures. They even knocked back....slam slam....slam. but it seems to have quieted some.
I SOOOOOO want a house of my own with out sharing walls with someone else.
Treated myself to a facial today. Fell asleep and woke myself up snoring while she was working on me.
Won some really pretty flowers last night at a banquet. Sneezed my head off all afternoon. Called my Mom and she said it was the flowers. I gave them to the next door neighbor. Aren't they pretty?
Took an allegra.....and have stopped sneezing. So much for me getting fresh flowers...( I think it was the red roses) I get all stuffy with a rose scented candle too.
Found the stuff to upload for my vid cam. Yeah me. I haven't done that in....wow more than a year.
Even chatted with an old male friend. Too bad he is married. Sigh. No I tend not to play that game.
I got dishes in the sink, house that has not been clean in three weeks, laundry falling out of the hamper, and toilets to clean. Come on over and I will keep you busy. :)
PRIVATE ENTRY
03:18 Jan 24 2008 Times Read: 861
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
02:58 Jan 24 2008 Times Read: 865
It's that lovely time of the month again....so...hot chocolate, WITH marshmellows and strawberry fig newtons....are the craving of the night.
To be mixed with some salty almonds....
mmmmmmmm
bah....forget the newtons....salt and chocolate....MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
I saw some ducks at a local pond....they were walking on the frozen water. Then I got out my camera and caught some of them landing .....watch closely and see the skid.
I went to a MLK day event tonight. It was really good. AWESOME singing - even without instrumentation. Then we heard inspiring speakers.....
Carrie Lucille Bennett (Stewart) from right here in the area who now lives in New York and has for many years.
The other was Algernon Tennyson. AWESOME. He was from Georgia. HE had been courted to play in the NBA but became an evangelist instead. He has served 4 years in the US Navy.
Both were awe inspiring.
But in honor of MLK....and excerpt.....
I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed:
"We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all mean are created equal."
I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons fo former slaves and the sons of former slave-owners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood.
I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color or their skin but by the content of their character.
I have sweats on, socks and shoes, in the apartment with a small heater not more than 4 feet from me..in a heated apartment....and my FEET ARE STILL COLD!!
I do Civil War Reenacting as anyone who has seen my portfolio and profile will know. I was at a Sons of Confederate Dinner tonight where my organization was recognized for preserving history. (Yeah us.)
But the speakers were all about getting the word out that it is part of the United States HISTORY. It is part of our HERITAGE, regardless of on which side your ancestors fought.
Part of the introduction was the pledges. How many of you know the pledge to your state flag?
How many know the pledge to the Confederate flag? I bet not many.
So...in an effort to educate and preserve. Here are the pledges we said tonight.
The Kentucky State Flag
I pledge allegiance to the Kentucky flag, and to the Sovereign State for which it stands, One Commonwealth, blessed natural wealth, beauty, and grace from our God.
The Confederate Flag
(said with hand out palm up towards the flag)
I salute the Conferate Flag with affection, Reverence and undying devotion to the Cause for which it stands.
The United Stated of America Flag
I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands: one Nation under God, indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all.
Worked on the psych unit today. 8 new admits and 4 groups to do with two therapists. GAH. Got home just in time to wash the hair, apply more makeup, change clothes and head off to the Sons of Confederate Dinner.
And two SOMEONES (Cat & Rat) kept me out celebrating Cat's birthday last night. Fun times. Will post a pic later of the Cat with her present wrapped by a BIRD..:)
Went to Reiki today. Some owwies. My hip hurt like the dickens on that table. She said it was stemming from my bladder area and moving into my right knee and left hip. Interesting. I am not sure how that works but after I got off the table, it eventually felt better.
The other area she picked up on as a blockage was the throat area, which radiates the pain into my shoulder. Well huh.
She said the blockage was from things not voiced. Let me think. Nah, can't think of anyone I need to tell what I think. (And if you believe that, I have land for sale in Central Park and am really Marliyn Monroe's double.)
Finally remembered I had an emergency kit in the car so went to get some burn ointment for my thumb, the ice was not getting it done. Tea tree oil is awesome!!! I get it from Melaluca products.
I Did use potholders, just didnt get them over my thumb...lol..
And Cat..it was the Rat for whom you bought them:)
Didn't I get you pot holders once? Or was that Rat?
NASA Message to the Moon??
16:13 Jan 16 2008 Times Read: 1,039
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:
"WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."
Mom is not doing well. She thinks she has pneumonia and has had diarehea (sp) and cant keep anything down. The z pack of meds she started Friday doesn't seem to have done much for her.
Dad fixed her oatmeal for breakfast in the hopes she would be able to keep it down. The bad thing is.....he used like a half cup of salt, thinking it was sugar. She said it was HORRIBLE.
If you can, give her some propel. It won't make her "better" but the electrolites will help with the dehydration from the dairrhea (I can never spell it right either) and keep her from getting worse from it.
The trouble with reading journals is that journals are not always clear enough for others to understand. You see journals are supposed to be about what the writer is feeling or thinking. That does not always get communicated to the reader. Emotions and events get left out becuase what is written is understood by the writer and people assume things in place of what was left out.
So....to clarify a few things....
1. We need to get together and talk it out in person apparently.
2. I am not mad at you. I understand that "letting me have it" was done out of love and concern for me. If you remember, we had a pleasant time when we last saw each other at Long John Silver's. We just didn't talk about Bill, which is fine with me.
3. The non-judgemental statement in my last entry was about DSBM - who you KNOW has often been judgemental of me and my choices.It was a surprise to me that she was not that way, thus the entry.
4. I know you have been worried about things, as has the someone else, thus I talk to others about my issues regarding Bill. I thought I was sparing you two hearing about how I was feeling.
So after being woken up this morning by DSBM, I got up and got dressed and went to meet her at the community center. There was a reception for the 149th Battalion - B Company who returned from Iraq. There were more soldiers than families and very few community supporters. I was rather disappointed in that.
From there, I went to the library and worked on catching up on my notes for the next 2 and half hours. Yeah me!!
Then drove thru the cemetery and looked at all the neat tombstones. Wondering which one I would pick, how much they cost, what would I have put on one, who would actually decorate it..just some weird thoughts. Although they are things that I probably should have ready so family would not have to do so should something happen to me before my parents.
Anyway, I was killing a bit of time as I thought to be going out to dinner with friends. But, it didn't happen. Again.
So, stopped in and visited with the Cat and her Mom for a while. Cat seems to be ok as long as she stays off her knee. Her Mom thought mine were popping a bit too much too!!
Then..instead of coming home and feeling sorry for myself, I called another friend. She fixed me dinner AND cookies. We talked and caught up on just hanging out. She let me talk about the issues in my life and was not the least judgemental. Thank you. I will not let the friendship lapse again.
I hardly ever remember my dreams anymore but i was actually dreaming this morning. I was in a wonderful medieval ball gown with green eyeshadow and bright red lips. The music had started and the first dance was "Play Time". The men and women in their medieval dress clothes were dancing and the positions they made during the dance seemed to imitate sexual positions.
Then, my phone rang. Gah.....no more dream...and I didn't even get to dance. GRRR.
Well I have made it 6 days without calling or emailing you know who. The longer it goes the harder it gets as I miss hearing his voice and knowing that he is ok. Sigh but this is the right thing to do for ME.
I had my hair colored and highlights put in.....looks HAWT!!!
Had the false nails taken off. I type better but dang they are so very thin and tender. I only had the false ones on a month and a half. I even have dents from the false ones.
They looked sexier with the tips but they sure weren't functional for me. Classes start Monday. I need them to be functional.
My Mom is sick.....again. She seems to be getting sick more and more often. This is the second z pack in a little over a month. Her legs are still swelling as well.
My friends (Rat and Cat) are having Mom issues as well. I suppose we should just realize that it is part of the life cycle and thank our lucky stars we have had them in our lives as long as we have. But, the fear of the eventual loss is creeping in and fear always makes things worse.
Had dinner with my cousin S. She is always good for me. She is like a younger sister. I am an only child but she used to stay with us so much and our parents did things together a lot...she just seemed closer. I have two other cousins that I feel that way about as well....it used to be the four of us getting into mischief together.
Stand tough lady- we got yer back- I know it isn't the same, but in the long run, it IS about you, if he doesn't make it aobut you himself-
03:47 Jan 11 2008 Times Read: 1,139
Mixed emotions day.
Started with a referral to social services (never fun) then on to a political event, office work, where apparently I took on another job without meaning to do so, then eventually back to the aprtment.
5 days and no word from you know who and no contact from me....but I must admit...it will be so hard not to call this weekend.
Looking inward and finding a few more answers.
(Thanks to a deer and a puppy)
Watching a movie "Charlie & Me" on Hallmark and tears are near. ""Take those precious moments to your heart becuase you OWN them...and have a heart that is majestically full".
***best start listening then, cause a bitch slap from them is a bit more soul ringing than anything else-
and the other part about being a temple... why would you open that temple to someone who did not cherish it? It's not just you that is injured, but your spirit and that prevents you from reaching your greater good.
***It is because how your spirit is affected, effects your clients. Everyday.
What we work with is our humanity- anything else is less than who we are.
***Ask yourself why? Is it the longest because of the physical distance- and your ability to be independent?
Or is it so that you get something?
There is some reason you found him appealing- that is more than just the bug of love... find that.. and you start to unlock you- and what you really want.
***You know there are people- that we have in our lives that aren't "life timers" sometimes it is the lesson they teach us that is the most important, and then the friendship changes... Perhaps this is one of them?
***I think that is the beauty of all of this... we have the answers ourself- but we are not programmed to find them ourselves- so having an outside perspective is how we can see US... and who we want to be.
i dont mean enough to him for him to want to leave his comfort zone ...he has no clue what it means to love someone enough to give up everything to go where they are.
i did it once. it obviously didnt work out but i will not do it again.......not without a ring and an i love you daily.
After being asked a couple of times, I am finally ready
04:03 Jan 07 2008 Times Read: 1,175
To explain the roses---rather simple and yet complex.
The simple version – the BF brought me roses. After saying they were beautiful and thank you, I asked him so…what are these for? He says, Christmas, New Year, I am here.. I give him his presents…really nice slacks, two matching shirts, and lounging pants –total cost $65 from JCPenny. ( I kept the black powder reenactment gun I had purchased for him..wait and see what happens…)
Complex version…Ok…..so…..roses from the local Kroger’s on his way to see me are my Christmas present after dating 2 years and 8 months. Then some time later he tells me the roses were the best he could do. I just said if you say so. I mean….I can’t tell him go get me a better present……that would just make me look like an ass….a materialistic one at that.
During the night he stayed…we did sort of talk about the future. He will not move and I can not easily do so. I would be giving up everything (stable job, private business, family, friends, etc) and he would give up….a job he doesn’t really like. I am not willing to give up so much when he can’t even tell me he loves me. He is content for things to be as they are. I do not like it, but I can not change him to make him want to be with me. Doesn't stop me from wishing things were different though.
I am not yet ready to let go completely, but I am getting there.
So many profiles lack what they are actually about: the real person! (I hate it when I go to a profile and read tons of stuff, and can sense that the person really isn't like that at all! It's irritating...) You're real! =D
The last few days were spent with family which was great. The main activity we did was to go through old family photos. It was quite revealing to see some old photos of me.
You see, I have always been told I was too fat, too big, I had such a pretty face if i would just loose some weight. Some where being mean, some careless, and some thought they were giving advice.
None of them told me that I had a curvy figure that was lush and comfortable. None told me I was attractive as a person, that I was intelligent and fun to be around. The focus was on my size.
You know what I discovered in those pictures? I was a pretty girl with bright eyes, pretty smile, long lovely hair, adventurous and nature loving.
I also discovered they lied to me. And you know what else? I BOUGHT THE LIE!!
I believed them when they said I was too fat to have a boyfriend, to do a lot of things.
Sometimes, the emotions are so mixed and so raw that the only way to deal with them is to ignore them. Pretend they aren't real, that whatever triggered those emotions did not happen.
It works for a little while, until the mind and heart are ready to actually deal with them. But, if you get stuck ignoring them, if it becomes too comfortable, then it becomes unhealthy.
I think that I got stuck as a kid and never got over it. Time to get unstuck and deal with the rawness of the emotions.
Sometimes there are just no words to descibe a feeling or an experience. And no one can relate unless they have walked in my shoes and filtered the experience with my history and perceptions. You can empathize but sometimes, you have no clue. Heck, sometimes I have no clue and I am IN my shoes.
COMMENTS
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Vampirewitch39
03:32 Jan 30 2008
*keeps mouth shut*
ladygoddessaries
04:36 Jan 30 2008
Dont you just love it when that happens~
queenmorbid
19:17 Jan 30 2008
*nods in agreement with Rat and just gives Birdy a hug*
Nightgame
20:52 Jan 30 2008
Okay if the Rat and the Wolf are quiet then I guess it's me that says Damn it to hell, please lets kick his ass!
RedQueen
03:31 Jan 31 2008
I'm NOT keeping my mouth shut- THE MAN IS AN ASS
I have of course been in the same situation, and fallen into the same trap of wanting to talk just to "see whathappens"
I agree that we should DEFINTITLY kick his ass...LOL
KCRC
14:53 Jan 31 2008
*Bull sharpens his horns...ready to gore.*